Presented Without Comment

““I didn’t think he’d be that dumb about cutting hamburgers apart. I guess he proved me wrong.””

- Madison Bumgarner on Jeremy Affeldt and “the stabbing”

Vogelsong and Bumgarner Get 13th Wins Against Colorado

Take a breather, Conor.

The Giants have taken the first two of their last series of the year. A 3-1 typical Giants victory behind Ryan Vogelsong, who finishes the season in the top 5 of NL ERA leaders, and if he doesn't win NL Comeback Player of the Year then why even have the award, man? Then Madison Bumgarner held the Rockies scoreless, becoming just the fifth Giants player ever to finish the season with a K/BB ratio of more than 4.00 which is just insane. This was his year 21 season and he is already an ace on most MLB teams. INSANE. This dude is going to be something else for years and years.

Conor Gillaspie hit his first home run last night, an inside-the-parker. Please enjoy a .gif, courtesy of Find the Swagger.

The Giants try to avoid the sweep today by not starting Matt Cain, as scheduled, opting instead to go with Eric Surkamp on three days' "rest." (Quotation marks because he didn't make it out of the first inning in his last start so look for today's game to end up being something like 25-1 Rockies.)

Pat Burrell will start today for the Giants, possibly his last start ever. If Cody Ross doesn't pinch-hit today, which he's unlikely to do, it may be his last time in a Giants uniform. Eli Whiteside can please let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. Andres Torres may be non-tendered a contract in the offseason. Brett Pill will probably be next year's backup 1B. Brandon Belt went 3-for-3 last night with a walk and his first splash hit, which was a legit bomb. He'll probably be next year's everyday left fielder, because Aubrey Huff. Carlos Beltran is probably only signing with the Giants if they sign Jimmy Rollins, Prince Fielder, AND Albert Pujols and trade for Jose Bautista, so look for him to light his jersey on fire in the dugout mere seconds after the last out is made today.

It has been the craziest season, man. I will watch today's game with sadness and hope and love, and await PLAYOFF BASEBALL and of course, wait 'til next year.

Giants Win 9-1? What the H?

Oh, someone left the game with an injury? Whew, still the same team, then.

The Giants offensive juggernaut rolls on in spite of their impending elimination. They've won six straight now, and Brandon Belt has homered in two straight games. Heck, even Chris Stewart managed to hit his second career home run thanks to Coors Field, which is located on a space station orbiting the Earth.

Madison Bumgarner had another frigging incredible start, going 7 innings with no earned runs, and providing the crack-the-game-wide-open moment when he came up with two on and two out and very nearly cranked one out before settling for a two-run double. That was awesome.

Lots of fun little moments in this one, even though Pablo Sandoval was 0-for-4 and Cody Ross leaving the game with a strained hammy after hitting a homer and what would have been a double had he not come up lame. Let's hope this train keeps rolling, playoffs be damned.

Bumgarner and Sandoval Crush Padres 7-2

Madison Bumgarner had a good start a few games ago. 8 IP, 0 ER, 11K. He had a pretty good start yesterday, too. 8.1 IP, 2 ER, 13 K. Two games at the tail end of his year 21 season, a year removed from pitching the most innings of his life and being a postseason hero. This dude just turned 22 and is going to be good for a long, long time. He's having a better season than Tim Lincecum. Do you like pitching? Stick around for the next ten years of Madison Bumgarner. It's really going to be something.

On the other end of things, we have Pablo Sandoval. Dude hits multi-homer games and plays third base better than you ever thought a fat guy could. He's wacky, he's got newfound discipline, and he's just getting better. He had a bad sophomore season in 2010, going through a divorce, depression, and every box of Pop'Ems in the immediate vicinity. Now he's the guy who hits RBI ground-rule doubles in the All-Star game and belts homers in Petco Park like it's no big deal.

2012 keeps looking up, and the Giants have these two guys on lockdown for the next several years. That's really exciting. Not to mention Buster Posey, Brandon Belt, and two guys absolutely tearing it up above expectations at the low levels of the minors, Gary Brown and Joe Panik. The future looks good. Let's get there already.

Madison Bumgarner Leads Rowand- and Tejada-less Giants to Victory

THIS IS YOUR NEW GOD

I've said it before, but Madison Bumgarner is capable of wondrous, glorious things. This is his age-21 season and everything apart from his meaningless W-L record and one historically disastrous inning indicates he's one of the very, very best pitchers in the game and only getting better.

The Giants jettisoned the steaming husks of Aaron Rowand and Michael Tejada on Thursday, and Bumgarner took the hill to end the Giants' losing skid, hold the Cubs to 2 hits and no runs in 8 innings while striking out 11 against an all-right-handed lineup. This was a phenomenal, phenomenal pitching performance. He was assisted by the unstoppable bat of Jeff Keppinger, the furious bunt assault dished out by Giants hitters, and a laughing, joking squad behind him that was playing their asses off and looking like they were having the time of their lives for the first time in a long, long, LONG time.

Perhaps Rowand and Tejada were the grumpiest old gritters that ever gamered up the clubhouse. Maybe after every loss, Tejowand would push Brandon Belt to the ground and wedgie him without remorse while taunting all of the starters. Perhaps atomic situps were involved. We'll never know. But the Giants looked loose and happy on Thursday, and as much fun as Rowand's batting stance was, we'll never have to worry about him coming in to strike out on three pitches in a key pinch-hit situation. That's great. That's so great.

The Diamondbacks arrive tonight, and the Giants have the potential to make up up to three games in the standings in one weekend. Lincecum, Cain, and Vogelsong will be pitching. The rosters have expanded and have brought with them Bret Pill, Pat Burrell, Brandon Crawford, and...miscellaneous. The offense scored four runs in their last game. Brandon Belt met a literal baby giraffe. I expect the Giants to take one of three, but they can do this. They can really, really do this. This is the true trial by fire for the G-men tonight. If they take this series, they can realistically stay in the race. If they get stomped like they did the last time the Diamondbacks were in town, that's pretty much the end.

Here we go.

Giants Manage Not to Mess the Bed, Win 6-0

Chris Stewart has been playing professional baseball for ten years. He's a plus-defense catcher with a great, if not entirely accurate, arm. He seems like the nicest dude in the world, and although he's not the offensive threat that Eli Whiteside is (note: Eli Whiteside can hardly be considered an "offensive threat" by any stretch), he doesn't fill you with cold terror every time Tim Lincecum throws a breaking ball in the dirt. This is important. Tim Lincecum is famously particular about his catchers, and the fact that he usually wants to throw to Stewart above Whiteside should tell you a lot.

The Whiteside/Stewart platoon that has been foisted upon us from that fateful day that Buster Posey's ankle flew to smithereens has been tough to watch on the best of days, but Eli Whiteside's bunny-hopping in front of Shane Victorino last week finally made the city of San Francisco chuckle to themselves and say, "Hey, maybe Whitey's okay after all." (Note: Eli Whiteside's nickname is actually "Whitey" because why not.)

It helps that he also made a sweet tackle.

And it also helps that he made a sweet catch on a foul bunt.

And yes, Eli Whiteside even hit a home run in that horrible losing effort that firmly entrenched the Phillies as loathsome arch-fiends in the mind of every Giants fan from now until forever. That has long been the dividing line between Whiteside and Stewart: Eli Whiteside hits home runs a few times a year. Chris Stewart has never hit a major-league home run.

Until last night. Chris Stewart took a first pitch over the left-field wall for his first career home run, and man alive was it a great moment. The grin on his face when he was greeted on the top step by Guillermo "Two Career Home Runs" Mota was possibly my favorite moment of the year. I'm really happy for the guy. Moreso than I'm happy the Giants were able to give Madison Bumgarner a dominating win when they all needed one most. Stay alive, bats. Please, please stay alive.

Lots of stories here. Huff possibly beginning to bounce back. Sergio Romo continuing his dominance. Madison Bumgarner doing historically fantastic things that no freshly-turned-22-year-old has any right doing. But I'm sticking with the Tale of Two Catchers (But Most Importantly the Catcher I Like Best).

So here's to you, Chris Stewart. Here's to your fist-pumping after big strikeouts. Here's to your amazingly fast unloads that sometimes result in fantastic plays. Here's to you being the best sac bunter the Giants have. But here's to you hitting a home run for a major league baseball team, which is forever at #1 on my "Best Feats You Could Accomplish in Life" list.

Giants Throw Three Bad Pitches, Lose 3-0

Oh yeah, dude. We're all REAL impressed.

On the surface, there are tons of things to be frustrated about: the Giants not being able to muster a single run against a Cliff Lee that really wasn't impressive last night, the fact that they didn't even get him over 100 pitches until the bottom of the ninth, Aaron Rowand and Cody Ross and everyone else in the lineup seeing the umpire calling inside pitches strikes ALL NIGHT, and still letting themselves get rung up on those pitches again and again and again, the Giants activating Mark DeRosa and sending Brandon Belt to Fresno AGAIN, and blah blah blah.

But you know what?

Madison Bumgarner shut down the Phillies' second-best lineup for six dominating innings after leaving two pitches up in the second and giving up two solo home runs. Santiago Casilla gave up his first run in a month. Hunter "Sure, This Lineup Scores 20 Runs a Game...But What if We Scored Twenty-Five?" Pence drove in two of the three runs. The Phillies looked touchable, but the Giants once again let their offense beat them. Three runs? Hey pal, we're not miracle workers.

It also helps that the Diamondbacks had the day off, meaning the Giants are still technically in first place.

Jonathan Sanchez returns today, meaning tonight's game is the true wild card. Will he pitch another no-hitter? Will he walk 12 in 4.2 innings? No one knows! (It's the second one.) With Cain and Lincecum pitching on Saturday and Sunday, a split is possible. A sweep is more likely. Bring on second place. We might overcome.

These Pitchers Are Good: Giants over Brewers, 2-1

Human anime character Ryan Braun's disappointment is palpable.

Do you know how many walks Madison Bumgarner has allowed since June 1? Two. Look at every one of his metrics besides W-L record and prepare to have your mind blown. Then look at his age. Yeah, that says "21." That sound? Your mind, being blown once again.

Do you know how many runs the Giants bullpen has allowed since the All-Star Break? One. You don't even know how amazing that is. Your puny brain can't even comprehend it.

Brian Wilson must have read my post-San Diego blog where I talked about what a lousy closer he is, because on Saturday night he threw a five-pitch save, and Sunday afternoon he struck out Fielder looking, induced a Rickie Weeks fly to right, and struck out Yuniesky Betancourt swinging. The Fielder at-bat was both his most important and best retired batter since a little gem you may remember:

The Giants pitching staff is so unbelievable that the Giants -- who have maybe two active roster members hitting above league average -- have the fifth-best record in baseball. They have taken 18 of 22 three-game series this season. THEY'RE WINNING GAMES WITHOUT RUNS. MLB should rename the Cy Young Award "The 2011 Giants Pitching Staff Award."

So the Giants remain four games in front of the Diamondbacks and helped the Pirates reclaim a share of first place in the NL Central. Unfortunately, the Giants have seven games on the road against the Phillies and the Reds. Who do the Diamondbacks play their next seven games against? The Padres and the Dodgers, that's who. Yeah. The Phillies series should be nice and gut-wrenching. It's really a worst-case scenario because the Giants will not be facing Cliff Lee nor Roy Halladay, who they really beat the piss out of. Please see below for photographic evidence.

It's going to be a crazy week, and the Giants may -- just may -- emerge on the other side of it clutching a shiny new Carlos Beltran.

- Bill

Brandon Motherfucking Belt: Giants Win, 5-3

This is the power I wield: not one hour after bemoaning the fate of Brandon Belt, the Giants call him up, and started him at first base, due to a "tight back" for Aubrey Huff. What does Belt do? Oh, just gets the Giants on the board with a sweet home run onto the arcade in his first at-bat, and rips a sensational two-out, two-run double down the opposite line (off a lefty) to put the Giants on top for good. Brandon Belt, god damn it.

Madison Bumgarner didn't get Sadison Bumgarnered for once, as the Giants score more than three runs for him at home for the first time this year. Even Brandon Crawford had a hit and two walks. Oh also, the Giants placed Miguel Tejada on the DL and traded some minor league C-level arms for the Astros' Jeff Keppinger, a league-average utility guy/middle infielder, which immediately gives the Giants an upgraded position. Nate Schierholtz had his first bad game in two weeks but still had a couple solid at-bats and a hit, so between him, Belt, and Sandoval, that's three more hitters than the Giants had a month ago. Get a for-real league-average catcher in there, and ALL BETS ARE OFF.

This was a good game. Giants try to avoid the sweep tomorrow on a getaway day against Clayton Kershaw. The snakes got mauled by the Brewers in the desert. Let's do this.

Giants Win Game of the Year 6-5 in 14 Innings

Nailed it.

This started off as a terrible game. Really, just abysmal. Stranded leadoff runners by the bucketful. Giants swinging and missing at balls bowled slowly underhand across home plate. Everyone not named "Andres Torres" or "Pablo Sandoval" looking like they were swinging a rolled-up wet carpet. Madison Bumgarner giving up five runs. I noted on Twitter that this was a real stinky butthole of a game and a pretty lousy-looking team (in so many words).

These days, it seems like if you want to have your team look like just the best team around, you should play the Giants. The Padres, for seven or nine innings there, looked like they were the Bronx Bombers crossed with the Big Red Machine and huffing Swingin' A's fumes. Driving balls to the gaps, stealing a million bases, striking out the side on one pitch. Nate Schierholtz launched a mammoth home run off of the right field foul pole in the middle innings to bring the Giants within one run, but then the Padres scored again. Two runs? Insurmountable.

But in the eighth inning, Pablo Sandoval crushed a bomb to Triples Alley that he thought was gone. He only ended up with a game-tying double, but it was enough at the time. The Giants bullpen nodded and said, "We got this." Sandoval made just the best possible play to end the top of the ninth inning with a man on third, and the bullpen was off to the races, retiring the last 17 batters they faced. Giants pitchers ended the night with 19 strikeouts and one walk. Think about that for a second. I'll wait.

The Padres and Giants spent the last five innings trying to out-not-score one another, but only the Giants were getting men on base. The bottom of the fourteenth opened with the Padres inserting a pitcher named Pat Neshek, whose delivery can best be described as "oh my god what am i looking at." He hurked and jerked and threw a ball to Nate Schierholtz, then got a swinging strike, then a foul. Just as I was thinking, "Man, wouldn't it be awesome if..." Neshek spasmed and frothed and threw a ball out over the middle of the plate, and Nate Schierholtz hit just the highest fly ball I've ever seen. The Padres right fielder drifted back slowly and settled under it against the wall and... PANGGGG... it bounced off the tin roof top of the wall and into the cove. Juggernate's first two-homer game, and the Giants had their tenth walk-off win of the season.

A lousy game that was a must-win for the Giants became one of the best games I've seen this season. The Giants had this game in the bag multiple times and couldn't put it away. The offense needs at least one bat. The return of Mike Fontenot will be a cause for celebration. Yeesh. But this was a big, big win. What a game.

what did i miss

Yep, that's sixteen strikeouts.

My vacation did not begin well for the Giants. Although they took two out of three in the desert and left the godless wasteland of Arizona 1.5 games in first place, little did they know that their offense was about to completely crater (I mean moreso), and they would be swept by the A's in Oakland before returning home, where Madison Bumgarner pitched an historically awful third of an inning and left the game in disgrace. They dropped that first game against the Twins, their fifth straight loss, and fell a game and a half behind the Diamondbacks.

But then, thanks to the Twins playing like their gloves were made of radioactive scorpions, the Giants took the next two games and the series. Then the Indians came to town, and played the first game of the series like their gloves were made of a Twins player who had a glove made of radioactive scorpions. The second game of the series was won on two errors and a clutch balk. Brian Wilson racked up four saves in four days.

If you caught the Giants' nationally-televised game last night, you might be fooled into thinking that the G-men have a thoroughly average offense. Do not be fooled. They have a pathetic offense worthy of all the ridicule they receive. But the pitching. Sweet sassy molassy, that beautiful bean pitching.

Tim Lincecum shook of his shaky-start streak and hurled a seven-inning, 12-strikeout classic. Madison Bumgarner went "LOL what Twins game" and struck out a career-high 11 batters through seven innings while giving up one earned run. Ryan Vogelsong keeps being Ryan Vogelsong v2.0, which is fantastic. The bullpen has played out-of-their-minds good since that awful, awful Bumgarner start. Jeremy Affeldt has pulled the craziest 180 of any previously-lousy bullpen guy I've ever seen. He pitched two innings yesterday and struck out five of the seven batters he faced on something like 20 pitches. The Indians had absolutely no idea what was going on. The drone of the ESPN announcers faded away and every time Affeldt threw, there was a massive explosion sound. It was...phenomenal.

So the Giants have a Major League-best five-game winning streak going on, have the second-best record in baseball since May 3, and are (thanks to Neil's Tigers) once again in first place, all while scoring -2 runs over the past ten games. Perhaps best of all, tomorrow brings that most special of gifts: a double-header at Chicago. This is a crazy season of baseball, everyone. I hope it never ends.

- Bill

Giants are Completely Awful, Lose 3-0

The extent of the offense.

This was the first game that I nearly couldn't bear to watch. Madison Bumgarner allowed one run through seven innings. The Giants got leadoff walks and got caught stealing by five feet. The Giants got two leadoff hits and didn't score. The Giants had a man on third with less than two out and couldn't bring him in. The Reds scored all three of their runs after there were two out and no men on.

Madison Bumgarner has the third-least run support in the major leagues. He has one lifetime win at AT&T Park. He is the new Matt Cain.

Just absolutely, murderously pathetic. No offense. No offense anywhere. Not in the lineup, not on the bench, not tucked safely inside Brian Wilson's beard. The Giants deserved to lose tonight, and I hope they feel awful about themselves. Because they are awful.

This game made me catch feelings, ladies and gentlemen. Hateful, unchecked baseball feelings.

Bumgarner Has the Audacity to Allow One Earned Run, One Unearned Run; Giants Lose 2-1

"The guys asked me to tell you they hate you."

What an enormous bag of butts that game was. The Giants got four-hit by lousy pitching, got picked off after a double, got caught stealing, let a run score on a thrown away double-play ball, sat their hottest hitter, made their second-hottest hitter bat behind Aubrey Huff, and plastered another humongous "L" to the undeserving carcass of Sadison Bummedgarner, who pitched a great game.

I guess the only consolation is that both teamed looked equally lousy today. The Rockies got a bunch of bloop hits and did their best "2010 Padres" impression. Giants hitters can't hit. It's problematic, sure, but what are you gonna do, NOT play Michael Tejada?

Wilson Struggles in Vain to Blow Save; Giants Win, 3-1

See, the bat is a metaphor for the Giants bullpen

Well, Madison Bumgarner threw a hell of a game tonight, and Bruce Bochy once again allowed his starter to go out to pitch the eighth inning with a ~100 pitch count. That sound you heard around 9:15 tonight was a million Giants fans holding onto their butts.

Luckily, he had a short shutdown eighth inning. The criminally underutilized Sergio Romo began warming up in the bullpen during the eighth. You know, because Brian Wilson possibly injured himself last night. And then, Bumgarner came out to pitch the ninth inning, with the Giants ahead 3-0 and Bumgarner going not only for his first win this season, but for his first complete-game shutout.

Bumgarner got the first two hitters in the bottom of the ninth, but then Rod Barrajas hit a Texas-leaguer into right field, and Jerry Sands drove him in with a deep double. So with two out and one on, Bochy brought in Brian Wilson for the one-out save. Easy stuff, right?

Wilson walked Jay Gibbons (who?) on five pitches. He then walked James Loney on five pitches. The bases are now loaded and Wilson has only thrown two strikes. Luckily, on the fifth pitch of Jamey Carroll's at-bat, he hit a liner that Nate Schierholtz had to transcend space and time and merge with the Speed Force in order to catch and end the game. No big D.

It was nerve-wracking and insane and it never needed to be. The Giants had seven hits, four walks, and 2 HBP and only scored three runs. They were 3-for-13 with RISP and left 10 on base. Aubrey Huff had another 0-fer and continues to look completely lost and bat third. I think it's time to revisit Operation: Bat Mike Fontenot Third.

Still, the Giants complete the two-game sweep of the Dodgers, remain in first place, and finish the road trip 3-3. Could/should have been much, MUCH worse. Hopefully they don't get completely annihilated by the A's this weekend (spoiler: they will). The two most frustrating wins of the year.

Well, That Sucked Part 2

FFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Madison Bumgarner moves to 0-6, Giants snap their winning streak, strike out 11 times against Ryan god damn Dempster, get BABIP'd on both offense and defense, bring in their only terrible bullpen guy to cough up a bunch of insurance runs for the Cubs, and generally look like a bunch of buffoons.

By the way, Madison Bumgarner drew a walk, immediately after Michael Tejada hit a first-pitch ground out. At least Andres Torres looked great.

(Full disclosure: I wrote and posted this in the bottom of the seventh inning.)

Just the Absolute Worst

Bumgarner finally has not just a good outing, but a spectacular one. But the only two runs of the game come after Tejada lets a routine grounder -- which would have been the third out of the inning -- get through his legs. This comes one day after Tejada ends a rally with a weak grounder...AFTER BEING GIVEN THE TAKE SIGN on a 3-0 count.

Not that the Giants offense was there to lend a hand, though. Rowand leads off today's game with a double, gets bunted over to third, and Posey and Burrell pull two grounders to third. That's as close as the Giants came to scoring a run all evening.

It's not panic time -- the Giants have two of their best players on the DL, everyone is slumping like mad, the starting pitching is unsustainably uneven, the Nationals played out-of-their-minds good defense all series, and the Giants have been getting BABIP'd to death. But it is time to be furious at how poorly things are going. Tejada is actively hurting the Giants by being on the field.

A series against the Mets begins tomorrow. The Giants are 3-4 so far on this road trip. Things...could be worse. Somehow.