Merciless 15-2 Victory Eliminates Giants From Wild Card

herp derp

Well, it's pretty apt that the single most horrid game of the year was the one that knocked the Giants out of everything. Baggs has a full rundown on all the facts you need to know about this putrid abomination of a baseball game. It started with an umpire standing in the way of an easy grounder and nearly concussing Mike Fontenot, and ended with a power outage and every pitcher in the Giants bullpen successively shitting a parade of beds.

Although 2012 could potentially be a better season and could potentially be a worse season, at least the bright side is that it's improbable that many, if any games in 2012 will be as bad or worse than this one. Let's all root for Matt Kemp to win the triple crown and for the Brewers to win the pennant, shall we?

These Pitchers Are Good: Giants over Brewers, 2-1

Human anime character Ryan Braun's disappointment is palpable.

Do you know how many walks Madison Bumgarner has allowed since June 1? Two. Look at every one of his metrics besides W-L record and prepare to have your mind blown. Then look at his age. Yeah, that says "21." That sound? Your mind, being blown once again.

Do you know how many runs the Giants bullpen has allowed since the All-Star Break? One. You don't even know how amazing that is. Your puny brain can't even comprehend it.

Brian Wilson must have read my post-San Diego blog where I talked about what a lousy closer he is, because on Saturday night he threw a five-pitch save, and Sunday afternoon he struck out Fielder looking, induced a Rickie Weeks fly to right, and struck out Yuniesky Betancourt swinging. The Fielder at-bat was both his most important and best retired batter since a little gem you may remember:

The Giants pitching staff is so unbelievable that the Giants -- who have maybe two active roster members hitting above league average -- have the fifth-best record in baseball. They have taken 18 of 22 three-game series this season. THEY'RE WINNING GAMES WITHOUT RUNS. MLB should rename the Cy Young Award "The 2011 Giants Pitching Staff Award."

So the Giants remain four games in front of the Diamondbacks and helped the Pirates reclaim a share of first place in the NL Central. Unfortunately, the Giants have seven games on the road against the Phillies and the Reds. Who do the Diamondbacks play their next seven games against? The Padres and the Dodgers, that's who. Yeah. The Phillies series should be nice and gut-wrenching. It's really a worst-case scenario because the Giants will not be facing Cliff Lee nor Roy Halladay, who they really beat the piss out of. Please see below for photographic evidence.

It's going to be a crazy week, and the Giants may -- just may -- emerge on the other side of it clutching a shiny new Carlos Beltran.

- Bill

WHAT IN THE: Giants Defeat Nationals 5-4 in 13 Innings

"Shpedoinkle!"

Unsustainable. Unbelievable. I don't know what the hell that game was. Time Lincecum struck out five batters through two innings, giving him exactly 1,000 career strikeouts (the fastest pitcher ever to 1K Ks), and then forgot what is a baseball game and coughed up four runs in the next two innings. I knew there was no way -- just no way -- that the Giants would score any runs in this game. Not with Tejada and Rowand taking up spots in the lineup. Not with Aubrey Huff being 0-for-13 since his three-homer game.

But the Giants scratched out four runs in the seventh and eighth innings. Even more importantly, the Giants bullpen was immaculate, combining for eight scoreless innings. Even Jeremy Affeldt -- who is basically just a left-handed can of kerosene -- had the best 1.2 innings I've ever seen him pitch.

It was an amazing, improbable game of the type that only the Giants have been able to crank out for the past two seasons. AT&T Park is filled with some insanely potent pixie dust (eight walk-off wins so far this season), but the Giants are in desperate need of offense, and soon.

Here's a rundown of the ways the Giants did NOT win last night's game.

- First Inning: Andres Torres gets a leadoff single. Freddy Sanchez walks with one out. The Giants do not score.

- Fourth Inning: Cody Ross gets a leadoff walk. The Giants do not score.

- Sixth Inning: Michael Tejada gets a leadoff bunt single. The Giants do not score.

(Now it gets silly)

- Ninth Inning: Andres Torres gets a leadoff walk. The Nationals pitcher couldn't locate the strike zone if he was Geordi LaForge bitten by a radioactive spider. Tejada delivers the hardest bunt I've ever seen on a 2-0 pitch, which should have been a double play, but first baseman Michael Morse goes for the force at first. Runner on second, one out. Pitcher is still effectively wild, and walks Freddy Sanchez as Torres steals third. Runners at the corners, one out. Cody Ross hits an easy double-play grounder, but the shortstop throws home and cuts down Torres. The Giants have runners on first and second. The Giants do not score.

- Tenth Inning: The Giants get a one-out single by Brandon Crawford, who takes second on a wild pitch. The pitcher is all over the zone this inning, but gets the .000-batting Chris Stewart to chase and strike out. Runner on second, two outs. Jeremy Affeldt comes to the plate and takes basically the ugliest swing in history at a ball a foot over his head. He looks at the next five pitches and takes his first walk since 2003. HIS FIRST WALK IN EIGHT YEARS. Runners on first and second, two outs, and Pudge Rodriguez is looking like the Canucks goalie behind home plate as every pitch is bouncing around like crazy. Still, Andres Torres swings at balls four, five, and six, and strikes out to end the inning. The Giants do not score.

So yeah, in terms of sheer ineptitude and feebleness with the bats, it's no wonder the Giants are constantly flirting with a negative run differential. It's no wonder that the vast majority of their games are one-run affairs. They invent whole new ways of not scoring on a daily basis. Luckily, Stewart was able to not swing at pitches in the 13th and get a leadoff walk, Tejada was able to run just fast enough to turn a double play into a fielder's choice, and Freddy Sanchez was able to flip a single into right field for the win.

Or maybe it's not lucky at all. Both teams were out of bench players and nearly out of pitchers. Bochy said after the game he was going to ask Tejada to pitch an inning when his bullpen ran out. That would have almost made TJ's contract worth it. Almost.