Thursday, August 30, 2012

Orioles 6, Blue Jays 4; Orioles 8, Blue Jays 2; Sweet Cleansing Rain; Blue Jays 8, Yankees 7 (F/11); Yankees 2, Blue Jays 1; Blue Jays 8, Yankees 5: Aaaaaand Jose Bautista is Gone for the Year Now

this Ichiro thing is still nuts imo
Things in Baltimore went hideously: the Blue Jays dropped both of the games they actually got in, and Jose Bautista left in like the third inning of his second game back, and now he's done for the year with all kinds of wrist awfulness, which is a pretty big concern long term if you are inclined to worry about such things and I am very much so inclined yes. Then, mercifully, came the rains, postponing the third game and allowing them to just play a bunch of awesome old Tom Cheek calls on the radio, which was a welcome diversion from this current season which, it gives me no pleasure to say, has sucked. And so to New York, where Colby Rasmus ended his 0-for-eternity with a home run to win one in extras, Ricky Romero put in his best start in ages in a loss, and Yunel Escobar returned from paternity leave a monster, and there you go, two out of three from the Yankees, who actually haven't been great for the last six weeks or so actually. The AL East has been so weird this year: the Yankees are totally good but aren't playing that way; Baltimore is still way over .500 with a seriously negative run differential, which really isn't a thing that happens that often; Tampa is doing it with all pitching and no bats; and Boston just pulled off a Baseball Mogulesque salary dump of epic proportions, so ruined is their year. 

This totally would have been the year for the Blue Jays to do something if the roster had not, like, ulcerated. 


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tigers 5, Blue Jays 3; Tigers 3, Blue Jays 2; Tigers 3, Blue Jays 2 (F/11): Muck/Shit/Despair

brooms of woe
In the opening game of this fine series against the Tigers, poor, poor Ricky Romero issued bases-loaded walks in consecutive innings en route to losing his tenth-straight decision (you will recall that he was nearly as bad when he was winning). Game two ended yeah that's right ended with Omar Vizquel thrown out attempting to steal second in a tactical decision so egregiously dumb that it was singled out on the Baseball Today podcast, a fine institution but not one that goes out of its way to let you know what happened for all of the last-place teams the previous day, you know? What I am suggesting to you here is that the Blue Jays forced their hand at ESPN by ending a game so foolishly. Then, finally, today, after beautiful, sweet E5 put the Blue Jays out in front 2-0, it all melted away into nothing more than a 3-2 walkoff loss and a sweep. 

I like the Tigers; they are respected AL East foes of yore. I occurred to me the other day, with another disastrous game on the radio, that if the Toronto Blue Jays for some reason ceased to exist tomorrow in some kind of Twilight Zone-style occurrence, I would defy the century-old tradition of my homeland and turn to the Tigers, not the Red Sox, as the team I would watch and then get sad about. When the Detroit Tigers make the playoffs, they are the team I want to see come out of the AL, and thus the team I want to see win the World Series (because National League baseball is smug and I will not stand for it). I wish them every success. But holy cow I wanted the Blue Jays to win one of these, man, just one. Why should that matter at this stage of a pretty spectacularly lost season? I have no idea.


I guess I should offer my valuable insight into the Stephen Strasburg shutdown debate as well

So it seems to me the biggest argument against the Nats shutting down Strasburg is that, hey, this just might be their year. Forget the fact they very purposely built towards having a long run of their years, which was supposed to begin next season. So really, they’ve done their job better than expected, and are reaping the rewards. Now in most professional cases, the response would be, “Oh cool, you’re really good at what you’re doing. I think I shall trust your judgment on matters pertaining to these continuing endeavors. Great job, brocephus.”
Except this is the baseball, a game worshipped by armchair theoretical physicists with two external hard drives full of sortable spreadsheets chock stuffed with obscure yet important data. However, these amateur statisticians, for whatever reason, very commonly are seduced by the lustful ramblings of strange fairies from the deep dark woods where Babe Ruth’s home run bats were hand-hewned by magical elves who understand the ways of baseball far more than us normal men ever could. And these strange fairies whisper unto the ears of every baseball player, pundit, blogger, and traditional newspaper columnist, “How dare these Nationals of the Washington shut down Stephen K. Strasburg, for this could be their magical year,” and then they laugh a laughter that sounds like feral children raised by coyotes playing “squirrel hunt” together. And yeah, I guess it makes sense if you believe in magical nonsense and all that shit. And sure, even Tommy John, who one would illogically assume is the ultimate authority on Tommy John Surgery, said Strasburg should keep pitching. Except, of course, Tommy John is not actually a surgeon; he is Tommy John, the guy who first had his elbow re-manufactured from Estonian parts.
But here is the one thing that keeps coming up in my mind (other than the aforementioned “If the Nats have proven ahead of schedule they know what the fuck they’re doing, then why would you question what they’re doing?”), over and over, that I’d ask you to riddle me if you will…
If this truly is the Nats one and only chance and the great magical year for their entire franchise’s existence and city’s existence to be remembered by baseball forever, then why the fuck would it matter if Strasburg plays again or not? If this is their chosen year, by magic and the universe, what slight is put upon magic and the universe that would cause them to be like, “Oh wait, fuck these Nats,” if Strasburg sat out the rest of the magical, destiny-soaked ride they are enjoying? What the fuck?
The whole thing is so stupid because it assumes the team is just along for the ride, that there’s not a ton more swirling around this franchise than Strasburg alone. Sure, he is a major part of the story, and along with Bryce Harper, the youthful double-face of this franchise’s future, but still, come on.
Basically what I think I’m saying is shut the fuck up everybody. I do not need to know everybody on earth’s opinion of how much Stephen Strasburg should pitch or not pitch. And while I believe in magic far more than the 500-page file on Tommy John surgery statistics the Nats allegedly have somewhere as guidance on this matter, I also believe enough in magic, and can recognize how magical this season has been, that one dude is not going to fuck it up by being gone. Baseball is so stupid with it’s “don’t jinx the no-hitter” and eating spaghetti before away afternoon games and all that hooha. And celebrity conjecture posing as serious analysis on Stephen Strasburg’s bionic elbow has just really gotten on my fucking nerves.
Also, fuck Chipper Jones. There, I said it. He looks like an asshole, and just because an asshole gets old doing the same thing over and over does not mean he is no longer an asshole, or at least looks like one.
Also here are some other baseball-related things I want to say fuck you too as we enter this postseason 2012, the year of our Magical Fairy Elves blessing the Nationals into the playoffs first time ever I MEAN EVER:
- that bowtie chump on Fox baseball
- all five Sam Malone from Cheers wannabes that host the pre-game/post-game thing, whose names I never remember other than they all sound like a pack of date-raping Theta Chi members I’d fistfight with drunkenly on my drunken way home from hanging out at a real bar, not some chump ass frat party
- the Yankees always and forever, especially A-Rod but really all of them
- people who think Bartolo Colon is somehow not as awesome as he was last week
- Presidential Election commercials on TV during baseball which is already hard enough to follow for a whole game without giant “PLEASE TURN OFF THIS MACHINE AND MOVE TO NORWAY BEFORE AMERICA IS EVEN STUPIDER THAN IT ALREADY IS” ads in between every half-inning
- and a bunch of other things most likely

Monday, August 20, 2012

Blue Jays 3, Rangers 2; Rangers 2, Blue Jays 1; Rangers 11, Blue Jays 2: At Least We Still Don't Have Any of Our Guys

return to me my sweet
I think my favourite part of this series was when the Blue Jays totally wasted a great start by Carlos Villanueva on Saturday afternoon, totally failing to do anything despite loading the bases a couple of times late at which point dudes elected to just pop up on 3-1 pitches. That was tremendous. To me.


Friday, August 17, 2012

Toronto 3, White Sox 2 (F/11); White Sox 3, Blue Jays 2; White Sox 9, Blue Jays 5; White Sox 7, Blue Jays 2: Somebody Make It Stop

some poor dude had a heart attack at this shitty ballgame 
Yeah aside from David Cooper's walk-off hit and a dude I didn't even know was on the roster striking out four in an inning, the rest of this series was nothing but nonsense.


Sunday, August 12, 2012

Yankees 10, Blue Jays 4; Yankees 5, Blue Jays 2; Blue Jays 10, Yankees 7: If You Give J. A. Happ Ten Runs, You've Got A Chance

Carrie Underwood fuckin gunnin it
Yeah, so, if you stake J. A. Happ to a monstrous lead, he will only give up a dinger to Robinson Cano before getting the hook and the bullpen will try to blow it but fail and you will win. This is the only way for the Toronto Blue Jays to defeat the New York Yankees at this point, and it can only happen once a series, but I intend to enjoy it all the same, perhaps all the more. I am still pretty dang weirded about this whole Ichiro situation, which is getting no more normal seeming, but maybe by the end of the playoffs it will seem reasonable? I don't know. 

I don't know.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Rays 3, Blue Jays 2; Rays 7, Blue Jays 1: Seriously I Don't Even Know Who These Guys Are

E5 takin' it back
Just some crazy fucking line ups these days, man. It's just a situation. At least Jose Bautista is ready to start hitting off a tee! But also Brett Lawrie is on the DL. And now the Yankees are in town. 

Revised 2012 prediction: the Toronto Blue Jays will lose one thousand games.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Rays 4, Blue Jays 1: A Disappointing Return To A Reasonable Time Zone

 you don't see a lot of photos of a dude just routinely sliding back safely but I like this one
You know what, it occurs to me that it is possible that J. A. Happ is not the answer. Had that occurred to you? Oh OK, it totally had; I see. I am as pleased as anyone (and arguably also punch) to see Colby Rasmus ding a solo dinger but it was far too little on this night and so here we are. 


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Blue Jays 3, Athletics 1 (F/11); Blue Jays 6, Oakland 5: It Is Going to Be Like This The Rest of the Way Isn't It

don't act like you've never seen Moises Sierra before, jaws all on the floor , etc.
So yeah hot on the heels of all of the muck and shit and despair of basically the whole west-coast trip until Saturday, the Blue Jays picked up two against the A's to put them, well, five games out of the wild card, which is to say, just close enough that you keep checking the scoreboard but far enough back that they are still totally doomed. What we have before us now is a team of unrecognizable dudes, several of whom I am sure will be totally serviceable, but seriously man this is too much. Today, for instance, both Drew Hutchison and Dustin McGowan are going under the knife. Two dudes. Same day. Why not. 


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Mariners 4, Blue Jays 1; Marines 7, Blue Jays 2; Mariners 5, Blue Jays 3; Athletics 4, Blue Jays 1; Athletics 5, Blue Jays 4 (F/15): OK Cool What Did I Miss

in there, regrettably
Due to my almost fanatical devotion to the Olympics in general and Olympic judo in particular, I have barely had baseball on at all over this last week, and one day I didn't even check the previous night's score until like three in the afternoon, a thing that is, I assure you, a thing that is rare. So let's see here what did I miss oh OK they have lost all of the games and traded away Eric Thames and Travis Snider alright see you in a bit.