Blue Jays 6, Yankees 3: BRETT CECIL REDEEMED ALREADY

good game bro; bro good game; good game bro; bro good game

Brett Cecil's tenure as closer apparently came to an abrupt and shitty end after Wednesday night's soggy buttfest (in that it was raining, and was a buttfest, but I think it works either way); new in that role is this mere babe in arms, Miguel Castro, who appears to be a babe in arms who throws wispiest smoke, so don't be stuck up; this is going to be great. The starting pitching was once again totally good enough, E5 homered again, and then Brett Cecil pitched a nice little eighth inning, too, so all is well on that front also! I will note that I didn't catch any of this game as it happened and am not going to misrepresent that aspect of this to you. 

At the time of this writing the Blue Jays are up 10-1 on the Orioles in the fifth and just hitting a tonne of doubles, which is a sweet way to do it, because of the inherent excellence of doubles, in my view. 

Maybe this is gonna be great? 

KS

Blue Jays 6, Yankees 1: I Don't Know Who Like Any of These Bros Are

Sweet bunt bro

A few weeks ago at work, one of my work pals with all earnestness was like, "Hey, spring training is only a few days away!" and my response was literally "What's the point." It was a dark moment. I have attended to neither the Blue Jays in particular nor baseball more broadly in some time; I totally opted out of 2013 after the Blue Jays hellstart, and for whatever reason had nothing to do with 2014 either (more than this than you might even think has to do with the absence of Alan Ashby on the radio; I really can't overstate the significance of this). It is entirely possible that I only took notice of today's games because of how seemingly everybody on twitter is either totally into opening day or totally into denouncing everybody who is into opening day (I respect both positions tremendously), and no less possible that like a week into the season I will have no interest in any of this at all again, but for today let me say that I took a look at the box score and found that I really don't know a bunch of these bros, which feels super weird, but I am ready to learn, especially if the Yankees are going to be soundly beaten in their contemptible home. 

Go Team.

KS

The Toronto Blue Jays: Still Awful, But Dumber

that's actually one more game than he got

During their recent shitty home stand, the definitely shitty Toronto Blue Jays managed to eliminate the even shittier Boston Red Sox from playoff contention, which is, I guess, something, right? A few days later, the Blue Jays were themselves mathematically eliminated by the New York Yankees, who are loathsome, but for whom, on that day, Ichiro went seven for eight and had like four stolen bases and gave me feelings, a little, about the passage of time in the limited but non-trivial baseball sense. Anyway, all of that has been duly noted or mathematical elimination expert Raven Mack and I see no need to revisit that well-trod ground that sucks. 

Of course the most notable thing about the Blue Jays these days is not that they are out, because of course they are, but that they are apparently pretty soft on homophobic slurs written on eye-black by increasingly worthless shortstops. There is an argument that runs roughly that Spanish-speaking dudes use homophobic language on the reg so we shouldn't get too worked up about this, but I instead am of the opinion that Yunel Escobar is an idiot and should be driven into the sea.

KS 

Orioles 6, Blue Jays 4; Orioles 8, Blue Jays 2; Sweet Cleansing Rain; Blue Jays 8, Yankees 7 (F/11); Yankees 2, Blue Jays 1; Blue Jays 8, Yankees 5: Aaaaaand Jose Bautista is Gone for the Year Now

this Ichiro thing is still nuts imo

Things in Baltimore went hideously: the Blue Jays dropped both of the games they actually got in, and Jose Bautista left in like the third inning of his second game back, and now he's done for the year with all kinds of wrist awfulness, which is a pretty big concern long term if you are inclined to worry about such things and I am very much so inclined yes. Then, mercifully, came the rains, postponing the third game and allowing them to just play a bunch of awesome old Tom Cheek calls on the radio, which was a welcome diversion from this current season which, it gives me no pleasure to say, has sucked. And so to New York, where Colby Rasmus ended his 0-for-eternity with a home run to win one in extras, Ricky Romero put in his best start in ages in a loss, and Yunel Escobar returned from paternity leave a monster, and there you go, two out of three from the Yankees, who actually haven't been great for the last six weeks or so actually. The AL East has been so weird this year: the Yankees are totally good but aren't playing that way; Baltimore is still way over .500 with a seriously negative run differential, which really isn't a thing that happens that often; Tampa is doing it with all pitching and no bats; and Boston just pulled off a Baseball Mogulesque salary dump of epic proportions, so ruined is their year. 

This totally would have been the year for the Blue Jays to do something if the roster had not, like, ulcerated. 

KS

Yankees 10, Blue Jays 4; Yankees 5, Blue Jays 2; Blue Jays 10, Yankees 7: If You Give J. A. Happ Ten Runs, You've Got A Chance

Carrie Underwood fuckin gunnin it

Yeah, so, if you stake J. A. Happ to a monstrous lead, he will only give up a dinger to Robinson Cano before getting the hook and the bullpen will try to blow it but fail and you will win. This is the only way for the Toronto Blue Jays to defeat the New York Yankees at this point, and it can only happen once a series, but I intend to enjoy it all the same, perhaps all the more. I am still pretty dang weirded about this whole Ichiro situation, which is getting no more normal seeming, but maybe by the end of the playoffs it will seem reasonable? I don't know. 

I don't know.

KS

Yankees 6, Blue Jays 1; Yankees 6; Blue Jays 0: Is This Real Life?

think of me as a more exasperated version of all of the women in this picture except that I am a dude

Getting swept in New York whilst our rotation is a humiliating shambles is one thing, but to lose both Jose Bautista and now Brett Lawrie to injury over the course of that shambles is quite another. If this was a season of Baseball Mogul, and one hopes that that is indeed all this is, we would have just now reached the point where you decide that the highest difficulty level is just absurdly cheap, injuring all of your key dudes in completely arbitrary, Spinal Tap-drummer ways, and you either start again or go outside. But if this is really what is going on outside, where do I go outside to? And so you see that this totally untenable rash of injuries creates not just on-field problems but metaphysical ones, and that makes me uncomfortable, like, existentially. I mean, here's the fucking .gif of the thing:

totally don't bro

If Brett Lawrie pulls this kind of pseudo-heroic nonsense again I will forsake him. It is as simple as that. I have forsaken for less. It left him looking like this . . .

. . . which is arguably punishment enough, but imagine if on top of that, he was also forsook? 

KS

Yankees 6, Blue Jays 3: With Jose Bautista Hurt, Baseball is Meaningless

:(

I am not saddened by Raul Ibanez's grand slam any more than I am gladdened by Alan Ashby's description of E5 "dead nutting" a line drive: Jose Bautista is hurt, and there are no other cares.


KS

Blue Jays 4, Yankees 1: Brooms.

not this time jeter

Young Drew Hutchinson with six solid innings! Two-run dingers from both J. Bautista and J. P. Arencibia! Two hits from debuting utility dude Yan Gomes, first Brazilian-born major leaguer! A (two game, but still) sweep of the Yankees! And yet all of this pales in comparison to the big news of the day: after two years of being miserably awful after having been genuinely excellent for a like a second, Adam Lind has been demoted to Triple A Las Vegas. Can you believe he even had an option left? If he didn't, it would have been pretty interesting to see if anyone would have claimed Lind and the ten million dollars owed him, but I guess that will have to wait for next time, or whatever; the important thing here is that dude is gone. Maybe it will be like when E5 got demoted and came back a little farther along his strange path to awesomeness, but more likely he will hit like hell down there, come back up and do nothing, and then be gone for good. So it goes. 


KS  

Blue Jays 8, Yankees 1: An Intoxicating Admixture of Dingerz and Smoke

yussssssss

Dingerz dung by: J. P. Arencibia, E5, Joseph Batstista, Kelly Johnson


Smoke thrown by: Kyle Drabek


Intoxicating admixture of the above imbibed by: your faithful correspondent


KS

Tigers 3, Yankees 2: Our Long (Inter)National Nightmare is Over

shucks

When Derek Jeter hit a fly ball to deep right field with the tying run on and two outs in the bottom of the eighth, and the Yankee Stadium crowd reacted like you would expect the Yankee Stadium crowd to react in that moment, I was sure it was gone -- just for a second, but sure, absolutely sure. That it settled easily into Don Kelly's glove a few feet in front of the wall was, to me, more surprising than the Yankees leaving the bases loaded twice, more surprising, even, than the back-to-back home runs from Kelly and Delmon Young in the first inning. It just seemed like here was Derek Jeter, in the playoffs, in Yankee Stadium, and that was it, the Tigers luck had run out, and the natural order of the universe was about to reassert itself. When Jose Valverde came out in the bottom of the ninth, as is his custom, to face Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano, and Alex Rodriguez, that weighty-as-all-hell task seemed lighter to me (no doubt not to him) because Jeter's ball had stayed in the park, suggesting that the usual yet intolerable rules that govern all things Yankee might not hold. If there is a sweeter way to dispense of the Yankees than by getting Alex Rodriguez swinging to end the ninth, I don't know what it could be. 


Bless you, 2011 Detroit Tigers. You have done us a gracious service, for which we thank you with all sincerity. 


KS

Yankees 10, Tigers 1: Good A. J. + Granderson's Treachery + The Existential Fact of Rick Porcello = Bad Times Man Bad Times

Shades of Eric Davis in the 1990 World Series (except Granderson totally caught it)

I am not about to praise Granderson for that first catch, the one in the first inning where he totally misread the ball and started in before realizing that was totally not the thing to do. Yes, his recovery from that error of judgment was impressive, and it saved a bunch of runs, but that was a bad read, and if you think I am about to sit here on my couch with a bag of Hickory Sticks and a Dr. Pepper and laud a man for a bad read, you are sorely mistaken (and you can't have any Hickory Sticks), but man, oh man, that second catch was pretty tasty. Sticking with our snacking motif, I will suggest to you in closing that Granderson's two big catches last night combined with his RBI double to produce a Hertz Doughnut that might spend but a moment on the lips of Detroit baseball fans, but, could potentially last a lifetime on the hips. 


Also, phooey. 


KS

Tigers 5, Yankees 4: Verlander Not At His Best, Strikes Out Only Eleven

Swing and a miss.

Justin Verlander wasn't sharp early, and allowed two runs in the first. He wasn't sharp late, and gave up another pair in the seventh before stranding a runner in the eighth to wrap up his evening. But in between, he kind of lit it up, hitting 101 MPH on the radar gun and throwing a curveball that was simply unfair and probably wrong. C. C. Sabathia pretty much walked everybody and relied on the double play to get out of it, which is one approach, granted, but he didn't make it out of the sixth. With the game knotted at four in the home half of the seventh, it was Rafael Soriano on the mound for the Yankees in relief, which is almost certainly the right move, but the right move didn't work: Delmon Young yeah Delmon Young lofted one over the right field wall to put the Tigers in front for good. It was . . . so awesome. Equally awesome: Jose Valverde -- who is at once worse than his fifty saves in fifty opportunities might imply, and better than those internet baseball nerds (no dis; they are my people) who fall all over themselves to tell you that he is much, much worse than that statistic suggest would have you believe -- striking Derek Jeter out swinging (a pitch after striking out Derek Jeter looking, if you know what I am implying when I say that to you) to end the game with two runners aboard. 


In closing, let's all look at this picture of Jim Leyland looking like the most lovable Muppet.

KS

Tigers 5, Yankees 3: I Kind of Love Balks

Boone LOLgan, imo

Look. Sunday's game was amazing. Max Scherzer, of all people, was utterly magnificent; Miguel Cabrera continues to build his legacy as one of baseball's all-time great drunks; Victor Martinez is unstoppable with runners on. I am not going to expand on any of those topics here, though, because whatever baseball feelings I could muster on those subjects could only ever be but the merest droplets of rain compared to the raging ocean of baseball feeling that is washing over our dear Neil with every pitch. I wouldn't even presume to presume. Those things are his. They are his.


But I would like, for a moment, to talk to you about Boone Logan's balk, because it was an amazing balk, one of the best, in my view. At first, everything was cool, which is of course always the case before a balk, but is notable all the same, I feel. Then, Derek Jeter begins to yell at him, as though there were some kind of play on that he just hadn't picked up on, which is entirely possible. Also, it would just be upsetting for Derek Jeter to yell at you at all, ever, for any reason, probably. And so Boone Logan just kind of stopped what he was doing, Boone Logan did, and then totally balked. 


I mean, just look at it. It is a tremendous balk.


KS

Yankees 9, Tigers 3: How About Everyone Ease Off Jim Leyland A Little

somewhat gone

"Did MLB issue an edict forbidding use of LH relievers in obvious spots today?" Keith Law asked on Twitter last night, and certainly wasn't the only one questioning Jim Leyland's decision to bring in Al Alburquerque to face Robinson Cano with the bases loaded. As you can see from the above photograph, it is not a move that paid off for the Tigers. Had Leyland gone with a lefty, few would second-guessed the move, regardless of the result, because of the widespread, slavish adherence to lefty/righty that is, in fact, quite dumb. You've got to actually look at the splits; you really shouldn't bat Simpson for Strawberry because there's a lefty on the hill. Possibly a bad example, that, because there's a move totally worked out, but what I am getting at here is merely that Alburquerque, in addition to having the best name ever, is murder on lefties, and Cano hits lefties better than righties, so how exactly is bringing in Alburquerque the wrong move? Yes, it is too bad Cano homered, this is true, but everyone needs to ease of Jim Leyland a little, if for no other reason than that Jim Leyland is super old. Tom Gage of The Detroit News, in particular, should shut it. Here's Gage:


Why did he bring Al Alburquerque, a right-hander, into Game 1 of the Division Series on Saturday night instead of a left-hander to face Robinson Cano with the bases loaded in the sixth inning?


Cano made it a hot topic because he hit a grand slam off Alburquerque in the Tigers’ 9-3 loss to the Yankees, the first home run Alburquerque has allowed as a Tiger.


“To me,” Leyland said, “that’s one for everyone else to second guess. Obviously, that’s one people could talk about. But to me, that was really a no-brainer.


“Alburquerque also has had a tremendous ratio of swings and misses. He had faced Cano one time and had struck him out. He’s been one of the best in all of baseball in swings and misses.


“Left-handers (of which Cano is one) are hitting .177 off Alburquerque. Cano is hitting .320 against lefties and .295 off righties.

“That’s the reason.” 

Correct, those were the reasons. 


A lot of them, in fact. But numbers are just that, numbers -- and they can't overcome the risk of a hanging slider, which Alburquerque threw to Cano. 

That last sentence is truly a miracle. 

I leave it to Neil to bemoan the rest of this rain-suspended first game that suggested -- to me, at least -- that God probably hates Detroit.

KS

Man Alive, What an Evening

Wow.

Bruce Bochy fielded his best white-flag team yesterday and the Giants got trounced 6-3 by the Rockies, exactly as expected. But who cares? Yesterday was possibly the most thrilling single day of regular-season baseball in history. Certainly in my lifetime. Four games with final postseason slot implications. The possibility of two separate 163rd games.

The Red Sox and Rays entered the day tied for the AL Wild Card Lead, and the Braves and Cardinals entered the day tied for the NL Wild Card. The Red Sox were in Baltimore, the Rays were hosting the Yankees, the Braves were hosting the Phillies, and the Cardinals were in Houston.

The Red Sox went into a 7th-inning rain delay leading the Orioles 3-2. The Rays fell behind to the Yankees 7-0 going into the 8th inning. The Braves were leading the Phillies 3-2 into the 8th. The lone uneventful game was the Cardinals, as expected, simultaneously mauling and shutting out the Astros (the worst team in baseball).

The Braves coughed up a Phillies tying run around the same time as the Rays put together a 6-run bottom of the eighth. The Cardinals game wrapped, ensuring them at worst a playoff game against the Braves the next day. The Red Sox game resumed and the Sox failed to score an insurance run that was gunned down at home plate. The Braves game headed into extra innings as a Rays .108 pinch-hitter -- who hadn't hit a home run since April -- bounced a line drive off the net of the foul pole with two out and two strikes in the bottom of the ninth inning to knot the score at 7 and send that game into extra innings as well.

The Braves got runners in scoring position for Martin Prado, who offered the worst swing I have ever seen in a pressure situation and ended the inning. The Phillies got a go-ahead run off a Hunter Pence BABIP Special, and the Braves bounced into a double play to give the Cardinals the NL Wild Card.

Back in Baltimore, Carl Crawford was unable to grab what would have been out number three as the Orioles got three consecutive two-out hits off of Jonathan "huck it down the middle" Papelbon, and stunned the Red Sox by winning the game, 4-3.

Three minutes after the Orioles dogpiled one another on their rain-soaked home field, Evan Longoria hit his second home run of the game, a laser beam that just cleared the fence inside the foul pole along the left-field line and clinched the Wild Card for Tampa Bay.

There are moment in baseball -- key moments, indelible moments -- that you know, as you are watching them, that they will be part of baseball lore forever. That you'll be seeing them on replay for the rest of your life. Aaron Boone's 2003 ALCS homer. Kevin Mitchell's barehanded grab. Dave Roberts' stolen base. Kirk Gibson. Bill Buckner. Carlton Fisk. Now we can add Longoria's home run to that elite group. He raced down the first base line, knowing that the ball might not clear the wall, but that he was going to have to try for extra bases if it didn't. Just before he got to the bag at first, both arms shot straight up in the air. The look of elation on his face matched that of the stunned and exultant crowd. His teammates flew out of the dugout as if shot from a cannon, and everyone watching could scarcely manage to come up with a sentiment any more profound than that of, "BASEBALL. OH MAN, BASEBALL."

This is why we watch. Baseball simply does not get any better than this, and no other sport on its best day can ever hope to match moments such as these.

So now we move beyond 2011 and into the postseason. Let us root for the Brewers. Let us root for the Rays. Let us root for the Diamondbacks and the Tigers and the Rangers. Let us root for baseball at its most glorious, at its most profound and affecting. Let us enjoy these next few weeks, for the winter is long and devoid of this glorious game. We will continue to be here talking about the feelings that the postseason and the hot stove and all that malarkey will bring, but baseball is now entering its yearly twilight.

This is going to be one hell of a postseason, my dear friends. Let's all be baseball fans together, for there is surely no greater thing.

Blue Jays 3, Yankees 0: Brandon Morrow and Adam Lind Are Kind of Awful . . . But Not Today

J.P.: hey Swish, that's three, bro
Swish: lol I know right

This was an excellent baseball game.


Brandon Morrow, who has been wretched for ages now, struck out eight and allowed only four hits in eight innings against a Yankees B-squad today (no Jeter, Cano, Granderson, or Teixeira), and three of those four hits were the merest of infield singles. The fourth hit was a Nunez ground ball through the right side that Jose Bautista scooped up all casual, and, without looking like anything was up in the least, fired a strike to E5 at first to force Nunez, who had made a big, lazy turn around the bag. Nunez proceeded to curse his lot, surely, and then attempted to advance a base, which he did not, as E5 put for an uncharacteristically accurate throw to McCoy, who applied the tag. It owned. It owned.  


Add to Morrow's fine start Adam Lind's two home runs -- or dingers -- and you've got yourself an extremely content guy over here enjoying an afternoon of Blue Jays baseball. Also Eric Thames fouled a ball off his own head. Seriously, look:

 That rarely happens! 


KS

Yankees 7, Blue Jays 6: Oh Come On

Mariano Rivera: Has Some Saves

Of the many ways to lose 7-6, none of them good, this one seemed particularly bad. After jumping out to a 6-1 lead through four innings, the Blue Jays batters figured everything was cool and so stopped hitting entirely, while Alex Rodriguez and Curtis Granderson took another approach, namely the approach of dingers. Henderson Alvarez just kind of hit a wall out there, and Carlos Villanueva, with whom I have absolutely no problem, was not at his best, and technically blew a save, even though it didn't really feel like it because it was the seventh. That Mariano Rivera came on to not blow, but in fact record a save, the record-tying 601st of his career, was unsurprising, but genuinely unwelcome. After four innings I was feeling pretty good about how the Blue Jays were totally going to win this weekend series, but now with Brandon Morrow on the mound in the rubber match I have absolutely no expectation that that is even a possibility in the least; like, not in the least.


I will say, however, that it was rad to have Colby Rasmus back and doing awesome things, like going 2-4 with a double and running down a ball drilled to deep right-centre to make a catch improbable enough that Robinson Cano, who had been speeding around the bases with abandon, actually passed Mark Teixeira (who was rightly holding up and tagging), which meant an inning-ending double play of a pretty weird kind. 


KS

So Your Team's Not Going to the Playoffs

It's down to the home stretch of the season, and it's pretty clear at this point who's going on to the postseason, and who isn't. Odds are good that your team didn't make the cut. Perhaps you have no idea with whom to cast your rooting lot, and why. We here at Baseball Feelings are pleased to present you with a rooting guide for the postseason that goes beyond the standard "Just root against the Yankees and Phillies." (But not too far beyond that.)

If your eliminated team plays in the NL West: Root for the Brewers. The Brewers have a fun, old-school team of unapologetic mashers, and they've never won a World Series. Ever. They've only been to one, in fact. The year that they won the AMERICAN LEAGUE pennant. The Brewers have the best uniform in baseball, even if it's just their Friday home alternate throwback jersey. They have a bunch of guys that are totally worth rooting for (Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Casey McGehee, Corey Hart, John Axford), and probably the most polarizing dude in MLB, Nyjer "Tony Plush" Morgan. I love the guy, but I love most people in sports who are open, unapologetic pricks. Dude's hilarious. Seeing him freak out like in the above picture when he hits a seeing-eye single is a true joy. This is the Brewers best shot at grabbing a championship for the foreseeable future, and it's always fun to see a storied franchise win it all for the first time ever. If you need a further reason to root for them, there's this: when they went to Houston to play the Astros recently, the whole team dressed up like cowboys just to be dicks.

If your eliminated team plays in the NL East or NL Central: Root for the Diamondbacks. They're an exciting, fun young team that broke out at least a year ahead of schedule and is woefully unappreciated by a tepid fanbase that would rather boo Prince Fielder and kick all of the brown people out of their state than show up and root for their team. This is a team worth rooting for, but they're in the thick of a playoff-berth-clinching run of playing insanely good baseball, and they're playing it in front of half-empty crowds. Justin Upton is one of those rare dudes who keeps coming up in key situations, and you just KNOW he's launching a moonshot, or smashing a double off the wall to clear the bases. Paul Goldschmidt just showed up out of nowhere, fully formed as a dude who hits no-stride taters with terrifying frequency. It's really amazing what Kirk Gibson has been able to do with this team this year. Oh yeah, Kirk Gibson is the manager of the Diamondbacks. It's worth watching their games for no other reason than to see him hobble out to the mound on his peg legs for every pitching change.

If you can't get enough of the status quo: Root for the Phillies or the Braves. There's technically nothing wrong with either team, and they both have one or two players you can get behind (Roy Halladay and Freddie Freeman, for example). But there's nothing really exciting or inspiring about either team.

Dan Uggla hit like a maniac for thirty games and almost made people forget that he's not really a consistent hitter, is a nightmare at second base, and is definitely the type of dude who kisses his own biceps while flexing at the mirror nightly. The most exciting players on the Braves are their bullpen guys. They for some unknown reason stuck with Freeman all year while mishandling Jason Heyward worse than anyone not named "Brandon Belt." They've been in the playoffs every year you've been alive. Oh yeah, and their big rally starter is everyone in the stadium being as racist as they can in unison.

Over on the Phillies side, they're a Philadelphia team, with all that entails. They have a ridiculously good, highly-hyped pitching staff. They have Raul Ibanez and Shane Victorino, two of the most thoroughly unlikeable baseball players of our generation. And they've got Hunter Pence, the creepiest creep that ever crabwalked onto a baseball diamond.

If your eliminated team plays in the AL East: Root for the Texas Rangers. They made it to their first World Series last year, and have a stronger team this season that could take them all the way. Their single biggest weakness is their manager, Ron Washington, who seems to believe that shooting oneself in one's foot is a surefire way to keep the opposing team offguard. (It rarely works.)

If your eliminated team plays in the AL West: Root for the Detroit Tigers, if for no other reason than to show support for our own beloved Neil. They've got Justin Verlander, and he's the most exciting pitcher in the American League. Their best hitter likes to get loaded and make friends with cops. What's not to like?

If you have no particular rooting interest: Root for the Red Sox. They're a really fun team that just goes out and scores run after run after run until the other team is in tears. They've got three legitimate MVP candidates in their starting lineup every day. They signed a guy to a contract for a hundred years and a million billion dollars so they could bat him seventh in the lineup. That's some depth, bro. It's always fun to see the Red Sox win a World Series. Well, for now. Maybe if they win one or two more it will start getting old. But it's still fun for now!

If you're a Yankees fan: Root for the Yankees. That's the only reason to.

Yankees 6, Blue Jays 4: The Real Star Here is Home Plate Umpire Phil Cuzzi

Ricky Romero, a man squeezed.

I am not, generally speaking, critical of umpires. It's a ridiculous job, really, especially at home plate: make a couple of hundred split-second calls over a three-hour period, each of which can later be scrutinized in high definition slow motion, except not by you, ever. And get them all right, or else people will be irate. That's tough. I've read Bruce Weber's As They See 'Em: A Fan's Travels in the Land of the Umpires (read a sizable excerpt at the NY Times site), and even though I think Weber's work would have been better suited to a New Yorker-length essay rather than a full-length book, I realize how awful the life of a minor league umpire is, so awful, in fact, that anyone with any other options at all in life would do probably choose to do something other than become a minor league umpire, which means the people who make it to the top are actually . . . how best to say this . . . not always awesome? 


Anyway. I am sympathetic. I am not quick to condemn umpires. But Saturday afternoon in Yankee Stadium, home plate umpire Phil Cuzzi was, in my view (but not mine alone), baffling and awful and wrong.


Ricky Romero, who lost for the first time in nine starts (last loss: July 16 vs. the Yankees), was getting squeezed mercilessly in the early going, whereas the awesomely horrible-bodied Bartolo Colon could do no wrong. It was perverse. I am not going to do the thing that happens on the internet where we all get worked up about how the Yankees get all the calls, because I don't at all know that that is true, but yesterday Phil Cuzzi was doing his best to lend credence to that probably incorrect argument. It got so bad, in fact, that absolutely beloved third base coach and miracle-working infield instructor Brian "Butters" Butterfield lost his cool and got run. How many times a year do you usually see the third base coach get run? Any? At all? If it's too much for Butters, it's too much for me. And yet, despite all this tomfoolery, had the Blue Jays' best reliever gotten Robinson Cano out after getting ahead 0-2, everything would have been fine. A strange game, this baseball.


Amid all this bitterness and frustration, though, we must salute Dewayne Wise, who came in as a sub for Eric Thames ("dizzy symptoms"), and ripped a triple and a home run. Also homering: Adam Lind, which, I mean, is nice, but did you know it has gotten so bad that Adam Lind is currently rocking a .745 OPS? And that he didn't draw a walk for a month? It saddens me that he has become something of a disaster out there. Finally, Brett Lawrie started a particularly nifty 6-4-3 double play, further establishing that he owns.


KS

All Hell Breaks Loose, Giants Lose 9-2

Yeah yeah, Shane. Grind bones, make bread...whatever.

When the season started, I genuinely liked the Phillies, with the exception of twin goblins Shane Victorino and Raul Ibanez. I despised the vast majority of Philadelphia's insufferable fanbase, but I liked the Phillies just fine. I rankled a bit at their building The Most Infallible and Perfect Baseball Rotation in the History of Everything Ever, with nary a Barry Zito in their midst. But still I didn't really wish them any ill.

After the Giants went to Philadelphia, after the Phillies added Hunter Pence, and after the first two games of this series, I hate the Phillies' guts. I hate every last one of them. Their elevated sense of entitlement and self-importance is seldom seen outside of a Yankees uniform. They are bullies, crybabies, and smuglords all at once. They're going to steamroll their way to a pennant and they're going to smug themselves all the way to the bank.

And why not? Why shouldn't they? If the Phillies were the Giants, I'd be smugging it up right along with them. But I can still hate them, and hate them royally. I still hope they walk all over the Diamondbacks next week, but I also hope they burn in hell. In the absence of a good and non-bankrupt Dodgers team to throw ire behind, the Unbeatable Phillies will do just nicely for the heaping of scorn.

By the way, the Giants won't make the playoffs unless they can score more than two runs per game. Spoilers: they won't begin doing that any time soon. I am already beginning to entertain thoughts of "next year."