So Your Team's Not Going to the Playoffs

It's down to the home stretch of the season, and it's pretty clear at this point who's going on to the postseason, and who isn't. Odds are good that your team didn't make the cut. Perhaps you have no idea with whom to cast your rooting lot, and why. We here at Baseball Feelings are pleased to present you with a rooting guide for the postseason that goes beyond the standard "Just root against the Yankees and Phillies." (But not too far beyond that.)

If your eliminated team plays in the NL West: Root for the Brewers. The Brewers have a fun, old-school team of unapologetic mashers, and they've never won a World Series. Ever. They've only been to one, in fact. The year that they won the AMERICAN LEAGUE pennant. The Brewers have the best uniform in baseball, even if it's just their Friday home alternate throwback jersey. They have a bunch of guys that are totally worth rooting for (Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Casey McGehee, Corey Hart, John Axford), and probably the most polarizing dude in MLB, Nyjer "Tony Plush" Morgan. I love the guy, but I love most people in sports who are open, unapologetic pricks. Dude's hilarious. Seeing him freak out like in the above picture when he hits a seeing-eye single is a true joy. This is the Brewers best shot at grabbing a championship for the foreseeable future, and it's always fun to see a storied franchise win it all for the first time ever. If you need a further reason to root for them, there's this: when they went to Houston to play the Astros recently, the whole team dressed up like cowboys just to be dicks.

If your eliminated team plays in the NL East or NL Central: Root for the Diamondbacks. They're an exciting, fun young team that broke out at least a year ahead of schedule and is woefully unappreciated by a tepid fanbase that would rather boo Prince Fielder and kick all of the brown people out of their state than show up and root for their team. This is a team worth rooting for, but they're in the thick of a playoff-berth-clinching run of playing insanely good baseball, and they're playing it in front of half-empty crowds. Justin Upton is one of those rare dudes who keeps coming up in key situations, and you just KNOW he's launching a moonshot, or smashing a double off the wall to clear the bases. Paul Goldschmidt just showed up out of nowhere, fully formed as a dude who hits no-stride taters with terrifying frequency. It's really amazing what Kirk Gibson has been able to do with this team this year. Oh yeah, Kirk Gibson is the manager of the Diamondbacks. It's worth watching their games for no other reason than to see him hobble out to the mound on his peg legs for every pitching change.

If you can't get enough of the status quo: Root for the Phillies or the Braves. There's technically nothing wrong with either team, and they both have one or two players you can get behind (Roy Halladay and Freddie Freeman, for example). But there's nothing really exciting or inspiring about either team.

Dan Uggla hit like a maniac for thirty games and almost made people forget that he's not really a consistent hitter, is a nightmare at second base, and is definitely the type of dude who kisses his own biceps while flexing at the mirror nightly. The most exciting players on the Braves are their bullpen guys. They for some unknown reason stuck with Freeman all year while mishandling Jason Heyward worse than anyone not named "Brandon Belt." They've been in the playoffs every year you've been alive. Oh yeah, and their big rally starter is everyone in the stadium being as racist as they can in unison.

Over on the Phillies side, they're a Philadelphia team, with all that entails. They have a ridiculously good, highly-hyped pitching staff. They have Raul Ibanez and Shane Victorino, two of the most thoroughly unlikeable baseball players of our generation. And they've got Hunter Pence, the creepiest creep that ever crabwalked onto a baseball diamond.

If your eliminated team plays in the AL East: Root for the Texas Rangers. They made it to their first World Series last year, and have a stronger team this season that could take them all the way. Their single biggest weakness is their manager, Ron Washington, who seems to believe that shooting oneself in one's foot is a surefire way to keep the opposing team offguard. (It rarely works.)

If your eliminated team plays in the AL West: Root for the Detroit Tigers, if for no other reason than to show support for our own beloved Neil. They've got Justin Verlander, and he's the most exciting pitcher in the American League. Their best hitter likes to get loaded and make friends with cops. What's not to like?

If you have no particular rooting interest: Root for the Red Sox. They're a really fun team that just goes out and scores run after run after run until the other team is in tears. They've got three legitimate MVP candidates in their starting lineup every day. They signed a guy to a contract for a hundred years and a million billion dollars so they could bat him seventh in the lineup. That's some depth, bro. It's always fun to see the Red Sox win a World Series. Well, for now. Maybe if they win one or two more it will start getting old. But it's still fun for now!

If you're a Yankees fan: Root for the Yankees. That's the only reason to.

Giants Go Ahead and Pack it in for the Season

Shed a tear for this beautiful man.

About 30 minutes before game time last night, I suddenly realized, "Oh yeah, I need to do a write-up about Monday's game." Then it dawned on me that I'd have to write about Tim Lincecum having perhaps the worst start of his career while the Giants were two-hit by a less-than-replacement pitcher with an ERA of over 6.00. So I went back to whatever I was doing instead (nothing).

Last night, the Giants unloaded the big guns for two entire runs. Sadly, the Cubs scored five. The Giants actually had ten hits, but on three (THREE!) separate occasions, Carlos Beltran stranded them to end the inning. Carlos Beltran doesn't want to be on this team, and that kind of hurts, but you can't really blame him. He thought he was going to the playoffs. Shame about that.

The Diamondbacks are six games in first place, and have a three game series with the Giants this weekend. It's not quite the end of the road for the Giants just yet, but it likely will be come Monday. Sometime between Saturday night and the beginning of the game yesterday, I resigned myself to acknowledging that the Giants aren't going to make the playoffs, and that it's been one hell of a season, and that I still love these guys and stranger things have happened, and that 2012 can only get better by default. It helped last night's game go down a lot smoother. I'll still be watching, cheering, recapping, tweeting, and grumbling about things, but the sense of "WE CAN DO THIS" is winding down. They can't do this, actually. Not these guys. The Diamondbacks are unstoppable, or at least they're unstoppable until the first round of playoffs, when they get unscrupulously manhandled by the Braves, Brewers, or Phillies.

Next year, fellas. Next year.

Corpse of Giants Roster Shows Signs of Unnatural Life

Bruce Bochy will never be able to feel another emotion.

The Giants lost 2-1 in 11 innings. Great, who cares, whatever. Jonathan Sanchez was starting a game the day after a soul-crushing loss and Beltran and Romo were headed to the DL. A loss was academic tonight.

The real meat of today's story is that the lineup was released and everyone was like LOLWUT because Sandoval was at 1B and Huff was in LF and Belt was in RF and an adorable kitten was Pitcher's Helper. (FanGraphs indicates the adorable kitten is leading the majors in mewling, but Shane Victorino is close behind.) The stories started tumbling hard and fast out of Atlanta: Keppinger out, getting an MRI on his wrist; Schierholtz out, possible broken foot; Rowand out, strained intercostal. The Giants must have gotten off a plane that later crashed during last year's playoffs, because 2011 has been a string of calamities bordering on the Lovecraftian.

In the third inning, Jonathan Sanchez sprained his ankle fielding a bunt, because OF COURSE HE DID. Everyone in the ballpark started watching for bolts of lightning or dangling safes or frayed electrical cords left perilously close to puddles of water. The Giants were no-hit through six innings by a guy major his second MLB start. No one expected anything different.

But something strange happened. The Giants showed immense gumption, much more than anyone could have expected. After Sanchez gave up a run, the Giants pitching staff and defense shut the Braves down inning after inning after inning. Cody Ross blasted a huge home run to prevent the no-hitter and the shutout. The Giants made the Braves' bullpen work. They got as many hits as the Braves, but couldn't quite manage the big one. Both Brandon Belt and Aubrey Huff made game-saving plays in the outfield. It was fun. It was more competitive and exciting than it had any right to be, and Brooks Conrad got to be the hero with a ground-rule double and the winning run in a bit of poetic justice.

If I'm the Giants, I have to believe they're pleased with themselves even in a loss. They won't just roll over and die, even when their roster is reduced to Aubrey Huff and a whimsical tea cozy. However, having said that, the Phillies let Lyle "DFA'd From the Pirates" Overbay drive in all three Diamondbacks runs against Roy Halladay and lost at home, putting the Giants 3.5 games out. But fiddle-dee-dee, tomorrow is another day. I'm certain that tomorrow will bring more injuries, and I'm equally as certain that Aubrey Huff will be the only member of the Giants roster to not sniff the DL this season. Sabean will have deals in place for Posada, Damon, and Alfonso Soriano by the weekend.

It's really amazing that the Giants have done as much as they have after all that has happened to them this season. If they somehow, somehow manage to make it to the playoffs...that's nothing short of miraculous. It's important to remember that the G-Men should probably have a W-L record more closely resembling the Mariners or Astros than being within spitting distance of first place. This was the best possible loss today. That's something, at least.

Braves Beat Brian Wilson, 5-4

/metaphor

The Giants played a good game, but Brian Wilson blew a two-run lead in the bottom of the ninth. For once, the blame rests solely on two people: Brian Wilson, for being an awful pitcher who relies almost entirely on luck and generous calls in pressure situations, and Bruce Bochy, for sending Wilson out to begin with, and not putting in Jeremy Affeldt to face the left-handed Freddie Freeman with two outs and the bases loaded, still up by one run. Affeldt was warmed up and ready. Wilson was not well enough to pitch yesterday. I called the blown save the second the ninth inning began. A Brian Wilson at 100% I have little to no confidence in. A less-than-100% Brian Wilson is just willfully driving your team's bus off a cliff. I get needing to stick with your players so they don't lose confidence, but you're in a pennant race.

Well, you were in a pennant race. This is the night the Giants lost a playoff berth. Mark it down. The players were visibly losing confidence by the day and they needed this win in the worst way. I say it again: in the worst way. I don't see them bouncing back from this, even though the Diamondbacks will almost certainly be humbled by the Phillies in the coming days.

This is terrible. This has ruined everything.

Giants Don't Get Swept, Win 3-1

A roving band of Philadelphia thugs assaults a hapless pedestrian.

The good news is the Giants are getting plenty of hits. More than enough hits. The bad news is that none of these hits are coming with men in scoring position, or, in yesterday's case, the hits with runners in scoring position aren't actually scoring runs. The Giants should think about not calling second base "scoring position." From now on, "scoring position" should just be "when a Giants runner touches home plate directly, without first being tagged out." That's a little weighty, but far more accurate.

So the Giants, despite losing like twelve of their last ten, never left first place. The Pirates are coming to town toting a massive, massive losing streak and their pitchers have given up about twelve billion runs in the past ten games. Nothing's better for snapping a losing streak than playing the Giants, and nothing's better for pitchers with ERAs over 5.00 than facing some Giants bats. The Giants are the equal-opportunity defending World Champs. "Say, we feel just awful about your luck, fellas. We'll swing at first pitches the whole night, what say?"

Prediction: Giants take one of three, get two-hit in one of the games and shut out in another.

All Hell Breaks Loose, Giants Lose 9-2

Yeah yeah, Shane. Grind bones, make bread...whatever.

When the season started, I genuinely liked the Phillies, with the exception of twin goblins Shane Victorino and Raul Ibanez. I despised the vast majority of Philadelphia's insufferable fanbase, but I liked the Phillies just fine. I rankled a bit at their building The Most Infallible and Perfect Baseball Rotation in the History of Everything Ever, with nary a Barry Zito in their midst. But still I didn't really wish them any ill.

After the Giants went to Philadelphia, after the Phillies added Hunter Pence, and after the first two games of this series, I hate the Phillies' guts. I hate every last one of them. Their elevated sense of entitlement and self-importance is seldom seen outside of a Yankees uniform. They are bullies, crybabies, and smuglords all at once. They're going to steamroll their way to a pennant and they're going to smug themselves all the way to the bank.

And why not? Why shouldn't they? If the Phillies were the Giants, I'd be smugging it up right along with them. But I can still hate them, and hate them royally. I still hope they walk all over the Diamondbacks next week, but I also hope they burn in hell. In the absence of a good and non-bankrupt Dodgers team to throw ire behind, the Unbeatable Phillies will do just nicely for the heaping of scorn.

By the way, the Giants won't make the playoffs unless they can score more than two runs per game. Spoilers: they won't begin doing that any time soon. I am already beginning to entertain thoughts of "next year."

Giants Throw Three Bad Pitches, Lose 3-0

Oh yeah, dude. We're all REAL impressed.

On the surface, there are tons of things to be frustrated about: the Giants not being able to muster a single run against a Cliff Lee that really wasn't impressive last night, the fact that they didn't even get him over 100 pitches until the bottom of the ninth, Aaron Rowand and Cody Ross and everyone else in the lineup seeing the umpire calling inside pitches strikes ALL NIGHT, and still letting themselves get rung up on those pitches again and again and again, the Giants activating Mark DeRosa and sending Brandon Belt to Fresno AGAIN, and blah blah blah.

But you know what?

Madison Bumgarner shut down the Phillies' second-best lineup for six dominating innings after leaving two pitches up in the second and giving up two solo home runs. Santiago Casilla gave up his first run in a month. Hunter "Sure, This Lineup Scores 20 Runs a Game...But What if We Scored Twenty-Five?" Pence drove in two of the three runs. The Phillies looked touchable, but the Giants once again let their offense beat them. Three runs? Hey pal, we're not miracle workers.

It also helps that the Diamondbacks had the day off, meaning the Giants are still technically in first place.

Jonathan Sanchez returns today, meaning tonight's game is the true wild card. Will he pitch another no-hitter? Will he walk 12 in 4.2 innings? No one knows! (It's the second one.) With Cain and Lincecum pitching on Saturday and Sunday, a split is possible. A sweep is more likely. Bring on second place. We might overcome.

Tony LaRussa is a Terrible Person

Tony LaRussa signals for the rarely-used "double beanball."

In addition to my beloved Giants, I have been paying close attention to the NL Central race this season. The Reds, favorites to repeat as division champs, have fallen by the wayside, leaving a three-horse race between the lovable Milwaukee Brewers, the scandalous St. Louis "Yankees of the West" Cardinals, and the surprising feel-good story that is the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Although it does not seem as though the Pirates will truly be able to hang in this race, it has become vitally important that Tony "I Have Shingles" LaRussa's Redbirds do not advance to the playoffs. If it can't be the Pirates, I would love for it to be the Brewers that knocks them off their "perch" as it were. (birds) The Brewers and Cardinals went head to head over the past three days in a series that looks to have huge playoff ramifications.

Craig Calcaterra over at Hardball Talk has been breaking down the LaRussa news from the series extremely well, but I'd like to add my two cents on the matter.

To recap: last night's game went to extra innings. At one point, Pujols was up with two on and one out, and he leads the league in hitting into double plays. The Brewers pitcher accidentally plunked him, and LaRussa thought it was intentional. To "retaliate" he had his pitcher plunk Ryan Bruan to lead off the next inning. At a different point, Cards catcher Yadier Molina was called out on a close pitch and charged at the umpire, bumping him and covering him in spittle as he screamed at him in a display that would make any number of Alomars blush. At yet another point, Brewers fans were heckling LaRussa and one of them repeatedly yelled "I hope you get shingles again," which is hilarious but Tony felt it was over the line. As a show of gamesmanship, after the Cardinals won the extra-innings affair, LaRussa took the time to yell at and insult the fans behind the Cardinals dugout. What a leader!

Tony LaRussa has been labeled a "genius" by most baseball journalists. He's a "genius" in the sense that Phil Jackson is a "genius," which is to say that he's been fortunate enough to be the manager of teams with deep pockets, an embarrassment of talent, and well-stocked medicine cabinets. He piloted the juiced-to-the-gills Canseco/McGwire A's to three World Series in a row (and one title), then jumped to St. Louis, where the even-more-juiced McGwire revitalized baseball by having enormous forearms. He hung around until the Cardinals brought in a gigantic crop of mashers, and let the do-you-seriously-believe-he-isn't-on-the-gas Albert Pujols lead them to another couple World Series and another title.*

I'm not saying just anyone can have a pitcher bat in the eight-hole and let their chemical freaks pound on small-market teams, but LaRussa has a particular knack for it. He also has a knack for looking like a sore loser and taking himself too seriously at all times, even during victories.

Compounding the LaRussa problem is the fact that St. Louis fans have a reputati0n as being "the best fans in baseball" and have really let it go to their heads. Since about 2005, the Cardinals have slowly become the least likable team in baseball this side of the Yankess (and/or, depending on which side your bread is buttered, the Red Sox or Phillies). Even the contemptible Braves have a handful of people that are fun or worthy of rooting for. The Cardinals win with such a false veneer of "heh, had it all the way" that should only ever be present in the Bronx, and whine and cry whenever anything should dare not go their way. They even ran Colby Rasmus out of town on a rail when he (and his dad, to be fair) took umbrage with LaRussa or Cards brass, depending on which story your listening to.

But enough of me and my sour grapes. If the Diamondbacks sent a message in their "statement series" against the Giants, the Brewers unfurled a banner reading "HOW MY ASS TASTE" in twenty-foot-high letters and hoisted it above Miller Field this weekend. They lost a close game two, but came out swinging today, with Casey McGehee knocking three dingers and sent the Cards home in a huff. It was really, really awesome.

Lest I fail to mention it: not only did St. Louis send Rasmus packing before the trade deadline, but their big pickup was the .191-batting Rafael Furcal. That'll put butts in seats. You don't win titles with Furcals, QED.

* For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with PEDs, and I don't think they should be illegal, and I certainly don't think any athlete should be vilified for using them. If you think there's any professional athlete out there who isn't using SOMETHING, you're nuts. The only thing that rankles me is that Pujols has this squeaky-clean rep and is supposedly universally beloved, but the dude strikes me as twice the asshole Bonds ever was. Anyway, juice away, dudes. Chicks love the longball.

Diamondbacks Can't Handle First Place, Giants Win 8-1

So...dreamy....

The Giants did their best impression of a passable major-league offense today, snapping a five-game losing streak, wrenching sole possession of first place from the Diamondbacks, and placing Ryan Vogelsong once again atop the ERA leader board.

The Giants trotted out what seemed like a fairly laughable offense today, including Orlando Cabrera batting fifth behind Carlos Beltran. But hey! It all worked out just fine, as the Giants exploded against notable "Giant-killers" and new Diamondbacks acquisitions Jason Marquis and Brad "Dolph" Ziegler. Cabrera had three RsBI today! Three!

So yeah: feels good, man. I'm not convinced the Giants didn't use up two weeks' worth of runs, and I certainly don't think the Giants turned any sort of corner. And with the Phillies coming in for four games, so it's definitely still panic time. Especially since the Diamondbacks have an off day, then host the Dodgers, Astros, and Mets.

PLAYOFF FEVER HAS BEEN CAUGHT

World Series Champions Defeat Phillies 4-1

The Giants make the Phillies so queasy they get Andy Capp-style nausea bubbles

Today was pretty great. First, the Belt/Burrell rumors weren't true. Then the Padres came back -- twice -- to beat the Diamondbacks, taking some of the pressure off of the Giants. Then Carlos Beltran arrived and said all the right things and didn't look weird in the Giants uniform.

Heck, it almost didn't need a weakened Tim Lincecum to shut down the Phillies for six innings. Almost. Chase Utley can't hit Lincecum. Can't even see him. Jeremy Affeldt? No problem, bro. Utley can crank a double off him no probskis. Lincecum? Utley's standing up there like he's batting against a...g-g-g-ghost!

Beltran went 0-for-4 with a pair of strikeouts. No worries, pal, don't rush things, we'll take it from here. The Phillies lost their first back-to-back games at home since MAY. The Giants took the series. Feels good, man.

In less-than-awesome news, Brian Sabean today pretty much came out and said that Brandon Belt has no chance of winning the starting first baseman job. That stinks out loud, but now that it's out in the open, it's a little easier. Belt will be coming into games late and getting maybe one at-bat per. It's better than nothing. Huff is bound to have SOME positive regression. He certainly can't get much worse. There's also a tiny, tiny, minuscule chance that Sabes is working on a Zito trade. That would be...well, that would just be spiffy.

But for today, a series win. A four-game lead. A shiny new Beltran. I'll take it.

Giants Win, 2-1, but Somehow Lose

Today started awesome, then got better. The Mariners ended their losing streak. The Giants obtained Carlos Beltran without giving up Gary Brown. Then the Giants took a game against Cole Hamels while having both Aaron Rowand and Aubrey Huff in their starting lineup.

But then, the other shoe dropped. The Giants needed to free up a roster slot for Beltran, and CSN Bay Area is reporting that the planned moves are to DFA Pat Burrell and to send Brandon Belt back to the minors. Splashing Pumpkins has the full breakdown as to why these are the worst ideas of all time, but if this is true, this is probably the least faith I have had in the Giants organization since...I don't even know when. I'm just sad.

Bill Hall is staying with the team. Miguel Tejada and Aaron Rowand and Manny Burriss are staying with the team. Mark DeRosa is staying with the team. But Pat the Bat, bench player extraordinaire, a better hitter than Rowand, Ross, and Schierholtz, is leaving. The guy who should have been starting at first base, and should STILL be starting at first base over the historically abysmal Aubrey Huff, is yet again sent to the minors, yet again for no good reason.

I'm hoping this rumor is false. I'm hoping Sabean is working on a package deal to ship Rowand and Huff the hell out of town like he did with Molina when Bochy refused to start Posey. But we'll see what tomorrow brings. We'll see what Beltran contributes. We'll see the repeated failings of Rowand, and Huff, and Ross, and see Belt in the minors and Schierholtz riding the bench.

Sad. Just sad.

UPDATE: The Belt/Burrell stuff is probably bunk, because CSN Bay Area are a bunch of unprofessional hacks. The Burrell thing is impossible since he's on the DL and Mychael Urban has been assured Belt isn't being sent down. If it were me, I'd release Hall and send down Burriss but what do I know? So the news isn't necessarily accurate, but still. I am on pins as well as needles.

- Bill

Phillies Win 7-2, Giants Still World Champions

wheeeee

Look, everyone and their mother knew that the Giants were losing the Barry Zito start. It just wasn't supposed to be game one. Tim Lincecum was scratched on account of the flu, and the Phillies ended up hitting five home runs last night, one of them an inside-the-park job by Chase "have you heard of this band Social Distortion? they're like my favorite punk band" Utley.

As I watched tater upon tater leave the yard last night, and as I watched the Giants get three-hit by Vance "Clarence" Worley, I became numb, and greatly thankful that we were just getting the Zito game over with. He even had the good grace to go seven innings, saving the bullpen for the remainder of the road trip.

So maybe the Giants can still win a game this series. Maybe they'll stop sucking. Because the Padres shat the bed last night against the Diamondbacks, and the NL West could find itself in a tie for first in short order the way things are going.

Guessing that both Aaron Rowand and Aubrey Huff start today. Rowand had a pinch-hit homer and Huff drew a walk. Gotta play the hot hand, Bochy.

P.S.: Hey Giants. START HITTING.

- Bill

These Pitchers Are Good: Giants over Brewers, 2-1

Human anime character Ryan Braun's disappointment is palpable.

Do you know how many walks Madison Bumgarner has allowed since June 1? Two. Look at every one of his metrics besides W-L record and prepare to have your mind blown. Then look at his age. Yeah, that says "21." That sound? Your mind, being blown once again.

Do you know how many runs the Giants bullpen has allowed since the All-Star Break? One. You don't even know how amazing that is. Your puny brain can't even comprehend it.

Brian Wilson must have read my post-San Diego blog where I talked about what a lousy closer he is, because on Saturday night he threw a five-pitch save, and Sunday afternoon he struck out Fielder looking, induced a Rickie Weeks fly to right, and struck out Yuniesky Betancourt swinging. The Fielder at-bat was both his most important and best retired batter since a little gem you may remember:

The Giants pitching staff is so unbelievable that the Giants -- who have maybe two active roster members hitting above league average -- have the fifth-best record in baseball. They have taken 18 of 22 three-game series this season. THEY'RE WINNING GAMES WITHOUT RUNS. MLB should rename the Cy Young Award "The 2011 Giants Pitching Staff Award."

So the Giants remain four games in front of the Diamondbacks and helped the Pirates reclaim a share of first place in the NL Central. Unfortunately, the Giants have seven games on the road against the Phillies and the Reds. Who do the Diamondbacks play their next seven games against? The Padres and the Dodgers, that's who. Yeah. The Phillies series should be nice and gut-wrenching. It's really a worst-case scenario because the Giants will not be facing Cliff Lee nor Roy Halladay, who they really beat the piss out of. Please see below for photographic evidence.

It's going to be a crazy week, and the Giants may -- just may -- emerge on the other side of it clutching a shiny new Carlos Beltran.

- Bill

Tommy Johns in the House

Last year Jordan Zimmermann was recovering from his Tommy Johnson surgical implants and was having control issues with a lackluster fastball, in the process of re-learning his shit, so to speak, like a stroke victim but about the pitcher's arm instead of the half of brain. Last week, he had a strong showing in punking out the Mets on their opening night, to piss on their field and declare that, "No, we Nats are not the bottom feeder in this NL East motherfucker no more."
Last night against the Phillies though, Zimmermann took it to the next level. Holmes pitched five perfect innings, not allowing a single punk ass Phillie bitch on base, and gave up a homer in the sixth but made it through 7 solid innings with only that one earned run. On top of that, after the game, Cliff Lee remarked that Zimmermann's fastball was one of the nastiest ones he'd seen. Coming from Cliff Lee, that's high praise. Of course being stoked that a star pitcher lavishes praise upon one of your starting Ps kinda goes against that whole "not the bottom feeder in this NL East" mindset. But hey, we take what we can as Nats fans.
Some important excitements and calmnesses to take from this are, it looks Tommy Johnson Surgery can be recovered from, as we all hold our collective stupid breaths looking at the $300 million dollar Kid Strasburg. But the recovery process is longer than just getting back on the mount. Even if Kid Strasburg is back this year by the fall, he's gonna be going through what Zimmermann did last year - relearning how to do what it is he does. Zimmermann got his speed back but took a while longer to get control of that again. Hopefully Kid Strasburg can do the same.
Man, looking at the stupid Phillies pitching line-up a few days in a row is ridiculous. Even if Zimmermann ends up a solid as fuck starter for more than a few months of a few seasons, and Kid Strasburg returns as great as his potential promised, that still pales in comparison to the Phillies. What the fuck man? What the fuck?

Castillo to the Phillies, reportedly walking without limp

The Greatest Trick the Devil ever played...

 Before he could even let the door hit him where the good lord split him, Castillo has signed up to be the new Wilson Valdez. A quote from earlier in the week now seems to make perfect sense, "Jerry Manuel always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Luis Hernandez." 

Castillo reportedly left the Mets spring training facility displaying the blazing speed from his Marlins days. Chazz Palminteri could not be reached for comment.

-Aero aka Greece Lightning aka Pablo Rizzy aka Crazy Swami

YOUR 1990'S PHILADELPHIA PHILLIE OF THE WEEK

TOBY BORLAND.

As much as I'm loving this era of Phillies baseball where every game is sold out and everyone talks about how making the playoffs is an absolute lock, I kinda miss the days when all I had was hope. 1993 is the first season I remember really paying attention to what the team was doing. I was 6 years old, rocking my Tazmanian Devil Phils shirt once a week and humming "Wild Thing" to myself whenever Mitch Williams would come out of the bullpen.

After that season, I couldn't wait for the team to go back to the series. So I waited for 15 long fucking years. Years of guys like Lenny Webster and Desi Relaford and shitty Greg Jefferies. And I'd watch them in the 700 level of the piss and beer smelling, hot, uncomfortable Vet. And throughout those 15 years, I hated the Yankees and the Braves for their success and impressive rosters.

But now we're the douchebags with the giant payroll and the superstar players, and while I love that I'll probably be seeing October baseball this year... I feel dirty.

So here's to Toby Borland, with his awesome mustache and surprisingly good stats in his first stint with the Phils. I think his 'stache is what makes him stick out to me the most. The Philadelphia inquirer would have the Phillies team preview with a headshot of all the guys who made the opening day roster, so I'd cut out each pic and paste them onto cardboard and make my own baseball cards. I was pumped the one time after a game where my dad took me down to the players' entrance and I got he and Sid Fernandez to sign my cap and didn't know what to say because I was a star struck 9 year old... Feelings~

Eamonn