Good Night, Sweet, Tiny Prince

There's that big-boy smile!

The San Francisco Giants made another befuddling move on Friday, as they released Mike "Number Three Hitter" Fontenot. The ginger Wolverine. The guy who saved their bacon for a week in 2011 when everyone caught the bubonic plague at once. The guy who opted not to catch a pop fly in the postseason. The guy who was the rootinest, tootinest, tiniest Giant in the past few years who came team and outperformed his salary.

The Giants decided to waive Fontenot as a "cost saving measure," opting instead to retain Fontenot's IRL BFF, Ryan Theriot. Theriot and Fontenot are the same person, except Theriot is two feet taller (six feet tall) and bats right-handed. Oh, and he had a lousy Spring Training. You know who didn't have a lousy Spring Training? Brandon Belt. But Belt will be starting the season in Fresno, barring some last-minute bout of senses-having by Bochy, Sabean, et al.

Fontenot leaving breaks my heart in a tiny way, because I really do love the guy and I think he's way better than most people want to give him credit for. I hope a team picks him up and gives him opportunities to succeed, and I will root my hardest for every one of his at-bats.

The Giants are in danger of entering a series of seasons that will be horrifying. There is a chance that Cain and Lincecum will soon be gone and San Francisco will fall to the middle of the pack pitching-wise, to go with their league-worst offense. Longing for the days of Zito, Huff, and Rowand coming off the books has turned into a cold-sweat-inducing fear that we'll wake up in one to two years and find a team fundamentally incapable of competing. But hey! They saved nearly a million dollars by releasing Mighty Mike Fontenot, so we're coming out way ahead here.

The San Francisco Giants And Their Underwhelming Offseason

The above picture shows Brandon Crawford, the man who is likely (I don't want to use the word "destined" as that implies a level of expectation or import that would be woefully inappropriate to bestow on the poor lad) to become the starting and/or everyday shortstop for the 2012 San Francisco Giants. Although I like Brandon Crawford quite a bit in general and adore his glove in particular, this seemingly-inevitable roster solidification pretty much encapsulates what has been an underwhelming offseason for the Giants.

I don't know how much time I'll be able to devote to writing about the Giants for Baseball Feelings in the coming season, for all six of you who read this blog (seven for the non-staffer who stumbled upon this post while googling "rubber glove fetish." Sorry to trick you), so while I had a few spare minutes, I thought I would put up my baseball feelings regarding the Giants moves that I should have posted a few weeks ago, probably.

The Giants started the offseason by giving a million billion dollars to Jeremy Affeldt and Javier Lopez, who I like just fine (particularly Lopez), but not that just fine. Still, a bullpen is important and this ensures that nearly the entire pitching staff will be returning for this year. I say "nearly" because the Giants then traded Jonathan Sanchez (he of the, shall we say, "frustrating inconsistencies") in order to acquire Melky Cabrera, who had a career year last year with the Royals, but let us be frank, is still Melky Cabrera. The next move was to trade away Andres Torres (one of my favorite players) to the Mets in order to acquire Angel Pagan, who I actually like just fine and shows a lot of promise, but is basically Andres Torres minus the ADD, but plus some pooping issues.

The Giants did not sign Jose Reyes, Jimmy Rollins, or Carlos Beltran, as we feared they would not. In their defense, they also did not sign Orlando Cabrera, instead opting for Brandon Crawford, who is a human with functioning legs and the ability to manipulate his hand in such a way as to close a glove around a baseball. This is a big upgrade. Also welcome is the decision to release Jeff "I'm Running As Fast As I Can, You Guys!" Keppinger and instead retain Mike "No. 3 Hitter" Fontenot -- who is about as endearing a tiny baseball player this side of Jose Altuve -- as a backup infielder. The Giants also picked up Ryan Theriot as a utility infielder, who seems destined to be one of those patented acquisitions in the mold of the Steve Finley-esque "guy who always seems to have clutch hits against the Giants but then becomes a Giant and does largely nothing."

That's the extent of what the Giants picked up. As far as what else they lost, they opted to not extend offers to Beltran or Cody Ross, who will likely someday have a statue at AT&T park where he's high-kneeing while Roy Halladay stares at the left-field fence. (I truly would weep with joy were such a statue ever to be commissioned.)

So the starting rotation will be Lincecum, Cain, Bumgarner, Vogelsong and, for better or worse, Barry Zito. That is fine. That will be fine. The issue is not the pitching. The issue has never been the pitching. The issue is whether this team will score any runs. If statistics mean anything (and all my nerdy friends say that they do), it would be nearly impossible for the Giants to not score more runs than they did last season. So that is something.

Here are the storylines for 2012:

- Injuries. Posey is coming back from -- you know -- the incident and who knows how much he will be affected by all that business. You would think the Giants would split the difference between 2010's All-Healthy squad and 2011's "All-New, All-Injured" horror show, but in the first week of pitchers and catchers reporting, Vogelsong and Lincecum have already experienced back problems and Brian Wilson's elbow is still in question. That's not even mentioning the returning Freddy Sanchez. If Sanchez can't bounce back from both of his arms falling off, the backup options are Theriot, Fontenot and Emmannuel Burriss. We are all holding our breath over here, let me just tell you.

- Positional scuffles. Chris Stewart, Hector Sanchez and Eli Whiteside will be duking it out all spring (and likely, beyond) for rights to spell Posey every five days at catcher. I'm hoping either Stewart wins outright or Sanchez slugs a bazillion dingers and we laugh all the way to the bank (the bank in this case being "not one-run losses to Clayton Kershaw"). But the biggest positional kerfuffle of all involves, of course,

- Brandon Belt. This poor kid can't catch a single break. After his treatment last year, you'd think he'd be ready to be an everyday player this year, but no. The outfield looks like it's pretty set with Cabrera, Pagan and Schierholtz, and Bochy and Sabean are pretty adamant that the starting first baseman job is Aubrey Huff's to lose. Considering that Huff wasn't able to lose said job after batting .013 last year with 1,342 double-plays, that doesn't seem likely. You should also be aware that Bochy seemed to further sour on Belt when Bret Pill came up and hit an RBI. Those things win ball games, you know. So Belt is fighting four guys for one of two positions. Doesn't look good, but maybe the team will score so many runs that I won't notice Belt got optioned to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks in May.

- Pablo Sandoval. Fat, thin, or Yokozuna-level super-fat, just please keep hitting, Panda. Please please please.

Vogelsong and Bumgarner Get 13th Wins Against Colorado

Take a breather, Conor.

The Giants have taken the first two of their last series of the year. A 3-1 typical Giants victory behind Ryan Vogelsong, who finishes the season in the top 5 of NL ERA leaders, and if he doesn't win NL Comeback Player of the Year then why even have the award, man? Then Madison Bumgarner held the Rockies scoreless, becoming just the fifth Giants player ever to finish the season with a K/BB ratio of more than 4.00 which is just insane. This was his year 21 season and he is already an ace on most MLB teams. INSANE. This dude is going to be something else for years and years.

Conor Gillaspie hit his first home run last night, an inside-the-parker. Please enjoy a .gif, courtesy of Find the Swagger.

The Giants try to avoid the sweep today by not starting Matt Cain, as scheduled, opting instead to go with Eric Surkamp on three days' "rest." (Quotation marks because he didn't make it out of the first inning in his last start so look for today's game to end up being something like 25-1 Rockies.)

Pat Burrell will start today for the Giants, possibly his last start ever. If Cody Ross doesn't pinch-hit today, which he's unlikely to do, it may be his last time in a Giants uniform. Eli Whiteside can please let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. Andres Torres may be non-tendered a contract in the offseason. Brett Pill will probably be next year's backup 1B. Brandon Belt went 3-for-3 last night with a walk and his first splash hit, which was a legit bomb. He'll probably be next year's everyday left fielder, because Aubrey Huff. Carlos Beltran is probably only signing with the Giants if they sign Jimmy Rollins, Prince Fielder, AND Albert Pujols and trade for Jose Bautista, so look for him to light his jersey on fire in the dugout mere seconds after the last out is made today.

It has been the craziest season, man. I will watch today's game with sadness and hope and love, and await PLAYOFF BASEBALL and of course, wait 'til next year.

Giants Sweep Rockies, Make the Playoff Race Way Too Interesting

Triples hitter.

Eight wins in a row. Four games back in the Wild Card race. Three games against Arizona next weekend. This is the big one.

The Giants went for their first four-game sweep in history at Coors Field. Matt Cain took the mound and was decidedly un-Cain-like, between getting screwed behind the plate by Joe West (who else?) and giving up five runs while barely going the full five innings. Luckily, the Giants hitters went absolutely bananas. The Giants hit four home runs in an inning, including a bomb from Cain himself.

Brandon Belt started three of the four games, and homered in the three games he started. Still, Bruce Bochy couldn't help but take jabs at Belt when talking about how amazing Brett Pill looked while hitting two triples last night. I don't know why Bochy hates young position players so much, but he really, really hates them.

Today's game was nuts. Pablo Sandoval had two home runs in one inning and a stand-up triple. Brandon Crawford and Mike Fontenot jacked jimmies. Justin Christian made the craziest catch of the year, leaping into the third row to catch a foul fly ball. That's not an exaggeration. He jumped halfway over the wall and caught the ball in the third row.

Brian Wilson made his first appearance since going on the DL and struck out two before Christian's nutso catch. It was decidedly un-Wilson-like.

This team is playing like their elimination number isn't "5" and it's amazing to see. The clock's going to strike midnight soon, but not for a few more games at least. I can only imagine how much this run of games is boosting the confidence of everyone on the team not named "Carlos Beltran," who couldn't look any more devoid of emotion if he was lecturing James Kirk about cheating on the Kobayashi Maru scenario.

Day off tomorrow, then I hope to be at Dodger Stadium as Tim Lincecum tries to lead the Giants to their first-ever win against Clayton Kershaw. Let's do this.

Giants Win 9-1? What the H?

Oh, someone left the game with an injury? Whew, still the same team, then.

The Giants offensive juggernaut rolls on in spite of their impending elimination. They've won six straight now, and Brandon Belt has homered in two straight games. Heck, even Chris Stewart managed to hit his second career home run thanks to Coors Field, which is located on a space station orbiting the Earth.

Madison Bumgarner had another frigging incredible start, going 7 innings with no earned runs, and providing the crack-the-game-wide-open moment when he came up with two on and two out and very nearly cranked one out before settling for a two-run double. That was awesome.

Lots of fun little moments in this one, even though Pablo Sandoval was 0-for-4 and Cody Ross leaving the game with a strained hammy after hitting a homer and what would have been a double had he not come up lame. Let's hope this train keeps rolling, playoffs be damned.

Pablo Sandoval Hits for the Cycle in 8-5 Giants Win

Not pictured: Pablo Sandoval hitting a triple.

Baseball is the best. I think that's pretty much indisputable. Also indisputable: if you call yourself a baseball fan and you don't like Pablo Sandoval, you should probably hang it up. Hockey season will be starting soon. Try that for a while and get it together.

Seriously, Pablo Sandoval. A perpetually-smiling, fat third baseman who hits like if Ichiro were Vladimir Guerrero. He's a switch-hitter with an afro whose nickname is "Kung Fu Panda." He's naturally left-handed and taught himself to throw right-handed so he could be an infielder. There is nothing to not love. Last night, he hit the second cycle of 2011, and the 10th in San Francisco history. It was awesome. He went 4-for-4 with an intentional walk in his fifth plate appearance, and his homer was the 20th of the season for him. This dude missed FORTY games this season with a broken hamate bone in his hand, and still put together an All-Star year as well as being the best defensive third baseman in the National League by UZR. The Gold Glove will probably go to Scott Rolen, because the managers in MLB just go with the first name they can think of for position players.

Brandon Belt got a hit last night, an opposite-field homer. The Giants had their third 8-run game in their last 5 games. They had three 8-run games in eighty-nine games prior to that.

This Giants five-game winning streak is nice, and if they had broken their offensive slump just two weeks earlier, they might be in contention for a playoff berth rather than playing out the string and staying technically-not-eliminated for as long as they can. It's kind of sad, but performances last Pablo's last night are reminders that 2011 -- for all its disasters and tragedies and improbabilities along the way -- was one of the most exciting and thrilling and emotional as any season in my lifetime of following the team. That includes last year's World Series championship run. It has been one hell of a year, and I'm still looking forward to 2012. After a run of games like this, it's hard to hate life quite so much.

Giants Lose 3-0 in Giants-Like Fashion

Latin Heritage Night, which always precedes the Jingoistic Patriotism Cotillion.

Last month, when the Giants were struggling game after game at the plate, there was this sense of, "Man alive, this is some kind of lousy slump. Statistically, there's no way these hitters are this bad. Just no way. Positive regression to the mean is inevitable. Just gonna have to wait this one out." Sadly, it's now gotten to the point where you watch the games and you can't help but think, "Geez, even with a healthy Posey and Sanchez next year, the Giants are really going to have to break the bank on some free agents or this team isn't scoring any more runs again, ever." Of course, it always seems much worse than hopeless when your team isn't scoring runs or getting hits for game after game after game, but looking at these poor guys, they all just seem broken. It's going to be a long wait for 2012.

Another masterful Giants pitching performance went to waste tonight. Ryan Vogelsong kept up his spectacular comeback season, going 8 innings with 6 strikeouts, 1 walk and 3ER. Of course, if you're a Giants pitcher, there are two options: shutout or loss. Dodgers pitcher Dana "Who?" Eveland held the Giants scoreless for 7+ innings, because the Giants.

In good news, Aubrey Huff didn't start for the fourth game in a row, and there was a Brandon Belt sighting! Belt got a hit off of a LHP, dispelling a popular Bochy myth, and is rumored to be getting another start tomorrow. Fingers crossed on that one. Huff did get a key pinch hit AB with runners at the corners and nobody out in the bottom of the eighth inning. Luckily, he struck out on three pitches, because Aubrey Huff.

The Dodgers are threatening to overtake the Giants and finish the season in second place, and the Giants seem the very picture of indifference in the face of that prospect. It must be a real lousy time to be a player in that clubhouse, and that's a shame because it's a real great group of guys that have been absolutely sucked dry by this travesty of a season.

Giants Take Series Against Padres, Brandon Belt Given Funeral at Sea

The Giants gained a game on the Diamondbacks, then lost it again. Whatever. Brett Pill came up and hit two home runs in his first two games, so Brandon Belt will never play another game again, ever. Bochy continues to start Orlando Cabrera every day, even against right-handers, even when he drops routine pop-ups that lead to back-breaking runs.

I watched the Giants lose to the Padres yesterday live from sunny Petco Park in San Diego, which is a fine stadium with plenty of Giants fans around. I have been to two Giants/Padres games at Petco this year, and both games featured a Giants loss, but a coupon for two free Jack in the Box tacos, so I'm torn as to which side of the ledger these games fall on.

The Sabean/Bochy strategy of which players are valuable and worth starting and worth giving lots of leeway when struggling and why is absolutely baffling and defies all logic. If 2012 is anywhere as big a disaster as 2011 was, I think Giants ownership HAS to try to start fresh by ousting one or both of these guys, World Series goodwill or no. But I'm fearful that the ownership is just as pleased as punch with the status quo, and will continue to be so, indefinitely. The Giants offense has finished dead last or near to it in five of the last six seasons. They had a league-average offense in the other year. They can develop and craft pitching like nobody's business. They have pitching scouts out the wazoo who are out of this world. Dave Righetti must be like some kind of crazy Pitcher Whisperer, the George W-looking freak. But by this point, far removed from the heyday of Bonds, Kent, and Burks, it's plain as day that Brian Sabean has absolutely no idea how to evaluate a hitter's worth, and Bochy understands even less what stats to look at.

Here's the perfect Bruce-Bochy-in-a-nutshell insight into how Bruce Bochy thinks: With both Mike Fontenot and Brandon Crawford (both left-handed batters, both far better defensively than Orlando Cabrera) available to start at SS against RHP Aaron Harang, Bochy went with righty Cabrera, citing Cabrera's lifetime 3-for-5 against Harang. There's small samples sizes, and there is THIS. Five at-bats. Five at-bats that happened in 2003. It's just...I can't...

Bumgarner and Sandoval Crush Padres 7-2

Madison Bumgarner had a good start a few games ago. 8 IP, 0 ER, 11K. He had a pretty good start yesterday, too. 8.1 IP, 2 ER, 13 K. Two games at the tail end of his year 21 season, a year removed from pitching the most innings of his life and being a postseason hero. This dude just turned 22 and is going to be good for a long, long time. He's having a better season than Tim Lincecum. Do you like pitching? Stick around for the next ten years of Madison Bumgarner. It's really going to be something.

On the other end of things, we have Pablo Sandoval. Dude hits multi-homer games and plays third base better than you ever thought a fat guy could. He's wacky, he's got newfound discipline, and he's just getting better. He had a bad sophomore season in 2010, going through a divorce, depression, and every box of Pop'Ems in the immediate vicinity. Now he's the guy who hits RBI ground-rule doubles in the All-Star game and belts homers in Petco Park like it's no big deal.

2012 keeps looking up, and the Giants have these two guys on lockdown for the next several years. That's really exciting. Not to mention Buster Posey, Brandon Belt, and two guys absolutely tearing it up above expectations at the low levels of the minors, Gary Brown and Joe Panik. The future looks good. Let's get there already.

Lack of Offense Drops Giants to 7 Games Back

At the beginning of the season, I wouldn't have believed I'd feel this bad for Bruce Bochy. I feel bad for all of these guys, because I love them all to death (well, maybe not Orlando Cabrera). They're lovable guys, every one of them. The Franchise has showed me that Bochy is a restrained goofball hayseed, and that's important to know. But they can't make it happen, try as they might.

I really, really hope the rebuilding process goes well in the offseason, because just having Posey and Sanchez back and healthy isn't going to fix this awful, awful offense. I'm hoping the Giants make plays for Jose Reyes or Jimmy Rollins, and are able to convince Carlos Beltran to come back. I hope Brandon Belt is able to start every day for a full season and that Huff is able to bounce back. I'm fearful that, instead, the Giants let Beltran go, re-sign Cabrera and Ross, sign Raul Ibanez, and convince themselves that Bret Pill is the answer rather than Belt. He's not, but this is an organization that still believes in RBI as a reliable barometer of offensive worth. That's terrifying.

Will they find their way? It's going to be extremely interesting.

Madison Bumgarner Leads Rowand- and Tejada-less Giants to Victory

THIS IS YOUR NEW GOD

I've said it before, but Madison Bumgarner is capable of wondrous, glorious things. This is his age-21 season and everything apart from his meaningless W-L record and one historically disastrous inning indicates he's one of the very, very best pitchers in the game and only getting better.

The Giants jettisoned the steaming husks of Aaron Rowand and Michael Tejada on Thursday, and Bumgarner took the hill to end the Giants' losing skid, hold the Cubs to 2 hits and no runs in 8 innings while striking out 11 against an all-right-handed lineup. This was a phenomenal, phenomenal pitching performance. He was assisted by the unstoppable bat of Jeff Keppinger, the furious bunt assault dished out by Giants hitters, and a laughing, joking squad behind him that was playing their asses off and looking like they were having the time of their lives for the first time in a long, long, LONG time.

Perhaps Rowand and Tejada were the grumpiest old gritters that ever gamered up the clubhouse. Maybe after every loss, Tejowand would push Brandon Belt to the ground and wedgie him without remorse while taunting all of the starters. Perhaps atomic situps were involved. We'll never know. But the Giants looked loose and happy on Thursday, and as much fun as Rowand's batting stance was, we'll never have to worry about him coming in to strike out on three pitches in a key pinch-hit situation. That's great. That's so great.

The Diamondbacks arrive tonight, and the Giants have the potential to make up up to three games in the standings in one weekend. Lincecum, Cain, and Vogelsong will be pitching. The rosters have expanded and have brought with them Bret Pill, Pat Burrell, Brandon Crawford, and...miscellaneous. The offense scored four runs in their last game. Brandon Belt met a literal baby giraffe. I expect the Giants to take one of three, but they can do this. They can really, really do this. This is the true trial by fire for the G-men tonight. If they take this series, they can realistically stay in the race. If they get stomped like they did the last time the Diamondbacks were in town, that's pretty much the end.

Here we go.

TIM LINCECUM, Giants Win 2-1

Good eye, ump. (h/t @8thInnWeirdness)

Tim Lincecum is an unstoppable beast. If he was on the Phillies or the Yankees or the Brewers or the Astros, or any other team with an unstoppable offense, he'd be 32-1. He does everything amazingly, even with a...let's say..."questionable" strike zone, as seen above. He'll give you 8 innings and less than two earned runs, all you have to do is give him two to three runs. Sometimes, he'll even bust out his own RBI single that ends up making the difference in the game. Tonight was pretty special.

Carlos Beltran had two hits, including his first home run as a Giant. That was pretty cool. And even though Brandon Belt made a huge baserunning error that culminated in an inning-ending double play, he had three hits, including a triple, and a stolen base. Good thing he was batting seventh! Note to Bruce Bochy: don't bat your hottest, best, and most patient hitter seventh. It's sort of an "unwritten rule."

A series split with the Padres to stay two games back. I'll take it. The Astros come to town tomorrow for a four-game series, and hopefully they won't walk all over the Giants QUITE so much this time around.

Brandon Belt Can't Do It By Himself: Giants Win 6-4 in 11

Bochy showed remarkable restraint not striking Runzler dead right there.

For once, the Giants almost lost a game due more to terrible starting pitching and worse luck than a completely anemic offense. After taking a 3-0 lead in the second inning behind a Brandon Belt home run, pinch-starter Dan "Herp de Derp What's a Strike Zone" Runzler gave up four runs in the third inning, then got yanked. It was real bad. The only thing worse was the Giants' luck. Baserunning gaffes, screaming line drives belted directly into Astros gloves, errant pickoff throws that bounce directly back to the second baseman, a wandering strike zone, Giants leadoff hitter reaching base in seven straight innings with no runs scored, and on and on.

It was only a monstrous home run by a Pablo Sandoval (who, until that point, had been 0-for-5 on that day) that allowed the Giants and their poor shellshocked bullpen a way-too-hard-fought win and, for the first time in seemingly forever, brought them within a game and a half of the Diamondbacks. It shouldn't have been like this. They shouldn't have been avoiding an Astros sweep today. An eleventh-inning win over the Houston Astros should not feel like a victory over the 1927 Mecha-Yankees. But such is the state of the team at this point. The Giants take the day off tomorrow to watch the D-Backs rough up the Marlins, then return home for six games against the Padres and Astros. If they take two of those six games, I'll weep fat tears of unimaginable joy.

Belt had four hits today, so it's a good thing he was sent down to Fresno all those times. Really took him to another level.

Giants Are a Bag of Butts, Lose 7-5

"What the dicks is this thing for?"

The first Astros batter of the game, the amazingly awesome Jose Altuve, hit his first career home run, a stand-up inside-the-park job, and it was game over from there on out. To the Giants' credit, they did not get shut out...a rare feat these days. In fact, they scored nearly three runs above what their second-half total has been thus far. The downside is that they have now used up all their runs for the coming homestand, which features another FOUR GAMES against these titans of offense, these unstoppable mashers, the Houston Astros. Also, Brandon Belt went 0-for-4, so we're never going to see him again.

Jonathan Sanchez is unable to start tomorrow's game, so the Giants will be getting swept behind the fearsome arm of whoever-the-hell, and we can put 2011 to bed. The Giants manage to keep pace with the Arizona Diamondbacks by no fault of their own, and it's clear that the NL West is full of despair and ruination and not a whole lot of good baseball. Just kidding, the Diamondbacks are a pretty solid team this year and only getting better in the future, and that is just the worst thing to realize late at night.

Giants Get Dominated by Worst Team in Major League Baseball, Lose 6-0

Yep. (tippin' mad hats to Bay City Ball)

Three more Giants turned up injured today. That's not a joke.

The Giants keep finding new ways to lose. Aubrey Huff tried to score in a scoreless game, ending an inning and killing a rally. The Giants give up three runs after having two outs on a couple of spectacular errors by Mark "Hey I'm Starting at Third Base I Guess" De Rosa and Aubrey "Herp Derp Whoops M'Glove" Huff.

I knew the Giants were losing today when I saw their HILARIOUS lineup. The Diamondbacks were likely to lose today in Atlanta, and this was a huge punt of a lineup. Hey man, it's really rough when you have to write nine guys into a lineup and only have ten healthy players. I mean, what kind of idiot would put Brandon Belt in a lineup, am I right?

I have been saying it for days, but the Giants are going to lose this series. They may take one of three, but I highly doubt it. I've never seen a team look so thoroughly defeated as the Giants do right now, and there's no way in hell I blame them. Imagine you have a box of 25 adorable puppies, and your job is to make sure that nothing bad happens to the puppies. But every day, when you get to work, between 2 and 10 of the puppies have set themselves on fire. You'd go crazy by like day three.

Watching a Giants game is exactly like staring at a smoldering pile of puppy corpses. That wounds the soul after a while.

Giants Win Nailbiting Blowout, 7-5

"Mmmmm...gritty...grizzled gamer...oh yeah, that's the stuff."

Amazingly, the Giants scored a bunch of runs. Mostly on sacrifice flies, but hey, horribly cursed offenses can't be choosers. Matt Cain pitched 8 brilliant innings with one unearned run, 9 strikeouts, and one walk. Then Bruce Bochy stuck in Dan Runzler, the one and only young guy that he's ever had faith in, and the Braves promptly scored four runs and brought the tying run to the plate.

Bruce Bochy is a quandary that's been dredged through a batter of a head-scratchers, dipped in "what is this i don't even" sauce, and then wrapped in bacon. Brandon Belt went 0-for-3 with a walk today, and he's almost definitely sitting out tomorrow's game. Bochy has been confirmed as hating an at-bat he feels is "too passive." Belt looked at six pitches in his third plate appearance, and the last two could have/should have been called balls. They weren't. That doesn't matter to Bruce Bochy. He probably turned to Ron Wotus and said, "Why isn't this asshole hacking at everything? That's what the bat's for. Swinging at everything." In Bochy's mind, the game they play isn't "base"ball, it's "swingball."

And Bochy probably gave Belt the stink-eye pretty good, because in Belt's next plate appearance, where he could have picked up a sacrifice fly for a run, he swung at the first pitch and popped it up just past the infield. You could almost hear Bochy yelling, "Too aggressive, you idiot!" And so it goes for anyone under 35 in a Bruce Bochy lineup. He doesn't believe in career minor league numbers. He doesn't understand how small sample sizes work. He doesn't understand the benefits of OBP over batting average and RBI. The only things he believes in are "the hot hand" and "swinging the bat well" and "knows how to win ballgames" and "been there before" and "he wears his hat like a pro" and a million other intangibles that mean nothing to anyone but him and, presumably, Brian Sabean.

So I've never understood why, given how Bochy has historically treated young players, he's brought Runzler in so many times in a non-mop-up capacity. Maybe Runzler forged a birth certificate and convinced Bochy he was born in 1968.

But anyway, a win paired with a Diamondbacks loss. I'll take it. Matt Cain is amazing. Tim Lincecum pitches tomorrow. I hear he's pretty good, too. Hammerin' Mike Fontenot was 3-for-4 with a pair of doubles today, so with all the injuries we can keep our fingers crossed for the glorious return of Number Three Hitter Mike Fontenot.

I'm ready for Houston, how about you?

Corpse of Giants Roster Shows Signs of Unnatural Life

Bruce Bochy will never be able to feel another emotion.

The Giants lost 2-1 in 11 innings. Great, who cares, whatever. Jonathan Sanchez was starting a game the day after a soul-crushing loss and Beltran and Romo were headed to the DL. A loss was academic tonight.

The real meat of today's story is that the lineup was released and everyone was like LOLWUT because Sandoval was at 1B and Huff was in LF and Belt was in RF and an adorable kitten was Pitcher's Helper. (FanGraphs indicates the adorable kitten is leading the majors in mewling, but Shane Victorino is close behind.) The stories started tumbling hard and fast out of Atlanta: Keppinger out, getting an MRI on his wrist; Schierholtz out, possible broken foot; Rowand out, strained intercostal. The Giants must have gotten off a plane that later crashed during last year's playoffs, because 2011 has been a string of calamities bordering on the Lovecraftian.

In the third inning, Jonathan Sanchez sprained his ankle fielding a bunt, because OF COURSE HE DID. Everyone in the ballpark started watching for bolts of lightning or dangling safes or frayed electrical cords left perilously close to puddles of water. The Giants were no-hit through six innings by a guy major his second MLB start. No one expected anything different.

But something strange happened. The Giants showed immense gumption, much more than anyone could have expected. After Sanchez gave up a run, the Giants pitching staff and defense shut the Braves down inning after inning after inning. Cody Ross blasted a huge home run to prevent the no-hitter and the shutout. The Giants made the Braves' bullpen work. They got as many hits as the Braves, but couldn't quite manage the big one. Both Brandon Belt and Aubrey Huff made game-saving plays in the outfield. It was fun. It was more competitive and exciting than it had any right to be, and Brooks Conrad got to be the hero with a ground-rule double and the winning run in a bit of poetic justice.

If I'm the Giants, I have to believe they're pleased with themselves even in a loss. They won't just roll over and die, even when their roster is reduced to Aubrey Huff and a whimsical tea cozy. However, having said that, the Phillies let Lyle "DFA'd From the Pirates" Overbay drive in all three Diamondbacks runs against Roy Halladay and lost at home, putting the Giants 3.5 games out. But fiddle-dee-dee, tomorrow is another day. I'm certain that tomorrow will bring more injuries, and I'm equally as certain that Aubrey Huff will be the only member of the Giants roster to not sniff the DL this season. Sabean will have deals in place for Posada, Damon, and Alfonso Soriano by the weekend.

It's really amazing that the Giants have done as much as they have after all that has happened to them this season. If they somehow, somehow manage to make it to the playoffs...that's nothing short of miraculous. It's important to remember that the G-Men should probably have a W-L record more closely resembling the Mariners or Astros than being within spitting distance of first place. This was the best possible loss today. That's something, at least.

Brandon Belt Activates Beast Mode, Giants Win 5-2

"Ayo is this aggressive enough for you?"

At one point this season, after Brandon Belt was sent to Fresno for the umpteenth time, Bruce Bochy remarked something along the lines of, "He's too passive at the plate. I'd like to see him be more aggressive." Just for the record, the average player on the Giants sees barely over 3 pitches per at-bat. Opposing pitchers regularly make it to the eighth inning against the Giants with well under 100 pitches thrown. Pablo Sandoval, a dude who has a reputation for swinging at anything thrown toward the plate and several things thrown to first base, sees by far the most pitches of any everyday Giants player. All of these things are unacceptable from a major league lineup. Brandon Belt methodically works counts with a discerning eye. It is what he does. But Bruce Bochy has basically gone on record as saying, "Man I wish that kid would hack more. Veterans hack at things. You ever watch an Aaron Rowand at-bat? He swings three times and sits down. He swings so hard, you guys. That's a veteran professional ballplayer right there." And then he laces his fingers together behind his gargantuan head and dreams of grit, and sand, and toughness, and above all, those sexy intangibles.

So Brandon Belt got a start today, and he struck out and grounded out, and you could feel Bruce Bochy already drafting a text message to Brian Sabean reading "gotta snd belt back 2 frzno" but then Belt stepped up and was like SHAZAM and cranked a deep first-pitch home run to dead center that was blasted so hard you could hear Marlins pitcher Chris Volstad scream "FUCK" immediately after the crack of the bat, louder than I have ever heard a baseball player scream the word "FUCK." It rang majestically throughout the nearly-empty Joe Robbie Or Whatever Stadium and CSN Bay Area had no qualms showing the replay three times in rapid succession with unadulterated audio, because that's how awesome it was.

WHACK. "FUCK."

CRACK. "FUCK."

KABLAMMO. "FUCK."

So that was pretty awesome. Also awesome? Belt's next time up, he worked the count full and then hit the first home run that lefty Michael Dunn has ever given up to a left-handed batter. Ever. Earlier I suggested that Belt would have to hit four dingers to get Bochy to give him regular starts. He's halfway there now. He has as many home runs this season as either Miguel Tejada or Aaron Rowand, in fewer than a third as many plate appearances.

That sound you just heard is the Baby Giraffe being unleashed. Stay hot, Brandon. Your career may depend on it.

Tim Lincecum. Giants Win, 3-0

"You have wounded me, sir. You have cut me to the quick."

Tim Lincecum. Maybe the Giants will only win every fifth day from now on, but that's cool because Tim Motherfu*king Lincecum. Note to Giants pitching staff: if you really want to win ballgames, throw a three-hit shutout. Idiots. Tim Lincecum has given up one ER in his last three starts. Tim Lincecum.

The most tantalizing news stories of the day all happened outside of Joe Robbie Or Whatever It Is Stadium. Andres Torres, not Carlos "I Ain't Played in a Week" Beltran was placed on the DL, thus allowing the Giants to turn on the Bench Signal and shove Brandon Belt onto a 6AM cross-country flight. Bochy was quoted as basically saying "I'll give him five or six at-bats, and so help me, if he doesn't hit at least four home runs he's never playing again." Belt starts today against a decimated Marlins team, so pray for vengeance.

Did I say "decimated Marlins team"? I did! Immediately after the loss yesterday, the Marlins released Wes "Sugar Shane" Helms and optioned Logan "I Haz Twitter" Morrison to AAA. Morrison is one of the few baseball players who says exactly what he's thinking to reporters, so everyone hates him. He's second on the team in HR and third in RBI so why not ship him off to Louisiana? That'll teach him! /loses 40 of next 50 games

So the Marlins have a far weaker team for the series finale today, but Mike Stanton remains. That dude wins ballgames all by himself. My prediction: Stanton hits five walk-off homers in this one, Giants lose the series. Diamondbacks sweep a triple-header, Giants finish today 4.5 games out of first place.

The final tidbit of news is Barry Zito. Last week, Zito was asked to fake that he had re-injured his foot so they could hide him on the DL while they tried to figure out which disastrous fifth starter they were going to stick with for the rest of the year. In Zito's second "rehab start" last night in Fresno, he wrenched his leg or his knee or his likely-fake-but-now-really-injured foot and had to be helped off the field. If you believe in karma, this is what it looks like. I feel bad for Barry Zito, who with any other contract would be the lovable-goofball underperforming fifth starter, but instead is history's second-greatest monster, behind only the reprehensible Jimmy Carter.

Zito's injury reportedly came when he stumbled attempting to cover first base on a grounder, so the only thing that would make this justice more poetic would be if he slipped in a puddle of Brandon Belt's tears.

So You've Decided to Be in Second Place: Giants Lose, 9-2

"Nope, I don't see any hits over here, either."

I'm pretty sure the final score was 9-2. I stopped watching. Why would I do that to myself? This is some Absolute Zero of a team right now, and it's not getting better. The bad news is that the Giants head to Miami and Atlanta to get their clocks cleaned on the road for a while before wrapping things up by losing a series to the Houston Spoilers.

It is important that this is a team that has been ravaged -- and that is the appropriate word, ravaged -- by injuries to key players, and other key players having absolutely catastrophic seasons. Bochy and Sabean are not to blame for what is going on. Well, not entirely, anyway. This is what the universe decided was a fitting repayment for last year's improbable World Series victory. And that's cool. I more or less resigned myself to the Giants missing the playoffs a couple of weeks ago. It's a shame, but it's really pretty admirable they have been able to do so much with so little thus far. This is a team that is dangerously close to fielding a tee as their fifth starter. They can get 15 hits in a game and score less than two runs. They can get three hits in a row with RISP and score none.

The fact that the Astros are giving the Diamondbacks fits indicates that, perhaps, the Diamondbacks are not the unstoppable juggernaut I imagined they were. They hit lots of home runs, and have a Justin Upton, but they're only marginally better than the Giants at this point. They can be caught, and overtaken. There are nearly two months left. But if the Giants miss it, it won't be the end of the world. Posey and Freddy will be back next season. Zito and Rowand will be closer to the end of their deals, if they're still around. Beltran and Ross will likely be gone, which opens up a potential spot for Belt. There's a chance the Giants will acquire an actual shortstop. Given their track record, I'd bet on Jimmy Rollins. Things look a lot better in 2012.

My hope is that things start looking better in 2011. It's hard to imagine things looking worse.