Tim Lincecum. Giants Win, 3-0

"You have wounded me, sir. You have cut me to the quick."

Tim Lincecum. Maybe the Giants will only win every fifth day from now on, but that's cool because Tim Motherfu*king Lincecum. Note to Giants pitching staff: if you really want to win ballgames, throw a three-hit shutout. Idiots. Tim Lincecum has given up one ER in his last three starts. Tim Lincecum.

The most tantalizing news stories of the day all happened outside of Joe Robbie Or Whatever It Is Stadium. Andres Torres, not Carlos "I Ain't Played in a Week" Beltran was placed on the DL, thus allowing the Giants to turn on the Bench Signal and shove Brandon Belt onto a 6AM cross-country flight. Bochy was quoted as basically saying "I'll give him five or six at-bats, and so help me, if he doesn't hit at least four home runs he's never playing again." Belt starts today against a decimated Marlins team, so pray for vengeance.

Did I say "decimated Marlins team"? I did! Immediately after the loss yesterday, the Marlins released Wes "Sugar Shane" Helms and optioned Logan "I Haz Twitter" Morrison to AAA. Morrison is one of the few baseball players who says exactly what he's thinking to reporters, so everyone hates him. He's second on the team in HR and third in RBI so why not ship him off to Louisiana? That'll teach him! /loses 40 of next 50 games

So the Marlins have a far weaker team for the series finale today, but Mike Stanton remains. That dude wins ballgames all by himself. My prediction: Stanton hits five walk-off homers in this one, Giants lose the series. Diamondbacks sweep a triple-header, Giants finish today 4.5 games out of first place.

The final tidbit of news is Barry Zito. Last week, Zito was asked to fake that he had re-injured his foot so they could hide him on the DL while they tried to figure out which disastrous fifth starter they were going to stick with for the rest of the year. In Zito's second "rehab start" last night in Fresno, he wrenched his leg or his knee or his likely-fake-but-now-really-injured foot and had to be helped off the field. If you believe in karma, this is what it looks like. I feel bad for Barry Zito, who with any other contract would be the lovable-goofball underperforming fifth starter, but instead is history's second-greatest monster, behind only the reprehensible Jimmy Carter.

Zito's injury reportedly came when he stumbled attempting to cover first base on a grounder, so the only thing that would make this justice more poetic would be if he slipped in a puddle of Brandon Belt's tears.