57-51

Look, I feel like I should say some words about yesterday's by all accounts awesome game. I say "by all accounts" because I, uh, I actually didn't see the game. Yes, it's shamefully true, but I spent those hours lounging on the beach, degenerate that I am, and basking in the glow of all those wonderful things that the beach has to offer. This means that I was reduced to watching highlights, but my God, what wonderful highlights they were. Aside from Justin Verlander being, well, Justin Verlander, there was Carlos Guillen being a Kingsized Dick in all the best ways and there was Jared Weaver getting tossed from the game because he was successfully trolled by Carlos and there was joy and happiness and baseball, man. Baseball. I guess the overwhelming lesson to learn from all this is that although 162 games seems like a lot and there is a tendency to think "Fuck it, this game won't really matter that much," the reality is such that something like this can happen at any time and when you miss it, you feel like a dunce. Granted, some people would say that I should have known the odds of something awesome happening were higher on account of the Verlander v. Weaver factor, and while these people are no doubt correct, they are missing one crucial factor: I forgot they were pitching. Which brings up a whole new set of shameful issues for which I must answer, but if I do that, then I'll no doubt be forced into another embarrassing admission, and then another and another and where does it all end, friendos? Tell me that? Where does it all end? And so for both my sake and yours, and for the good of society as a whole, I'll just stop now and say that I had a good time at the beach but I am sad that I missed this game. I do this for all of us. You're welcome, world. You're welcome.