Thursday, April 25, 2013

This Season Is Really Stupid So Far

not a representative image
Such is the extent of the calamity thus far that yesterday I didn't even really want to wear my Blue Jays hat to the grocery store but it was raining and the hat itself is inherently stylish as hell so I relented and wore it but as I put it on I was thinking thoughts along the lines of well fine. It's nice that they grabbed a game in Baltimore -- walked-in runs in extra innings make for the most heroic and daring of victories, seen from a certain, incorrect perspective -- but man oh man this has been brutal so far. I think the only thing keeping me from all-time-high levels of minding is that I am paying not the slightest attention to the world of sports media punditry. Because I am guessing they are being intolerable constantly on this subject.


Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Blue Jays Week That Was: Arguably It Is Too Early For Despair But Hear Me Out

I see your problem right here: your ankle is all fucked up
When Dustin Parkes -- formerly, I guess of Drunk Jays Fans and now, I guess, mostly or perhaps indeed entirely of the Getting Blanked blog, but who can say -- tweeted a few days ago that no team had won the World Series after a 2-5 start since the 2012 San Francisco Giants, it was a moment of levity I welcomed, even if it doesn't actually mean anything. Like, it was itself a statement suggesting a 2-5 start doesn't mean anything, which of course it doesn't, but neither does it mean anything that the Giants won the World Series after starting that way, which I know he wasn't implying so why am I even mentioning it? But I do wonder what percentage of World Series-winning teams started their seasons 2-5. Probably not many but there is no way I am going to look that up. 

But now 2-5 has become 4-6, and nobody in the AL East is really playing all that well to start the year, so it is a 4-6 that puts the Blue Jays a mere game-and-a-half out of first place. Under normal circumstances I would declare this situation to be no biggity, in fact the least of all biggities. And I guess that situation, the 4-6 of it all, truly is no biggity, even if the only starter who has really looked that great is J. A. Happ for some reason. But it can only be seen as an enormous butt of the lowliest order that Jose Reyes, who is delightful as hell to watch play baseball and who is hitting like .400 so far, slid hideously into second base last night and probably exploded his ankle.

The earliest indications are that it might only be a wicked sprain, which would cost Reyes (and my enjoyment) no more than a month, probably. If there's something broken, it could be three months or more. Hey hey! 

Actually, OK, I was about to descend into despair for a moment, but things will probably actually be pretty alright, maybe: good pitchers usually end up being good pitchers, so I have faith the rotation will be way better than it has been; Jose Bautista isn't hitting yet and missed three games with some minor hassling injuries but he'll soon begin launching stuff on the reg; and there's no reason to think the rest of the lineup (minus Cabrera) can continue to hit this poorly. I bet the Blue Jays will spend almost all of the next few months at or slightly above .500 and then we'll see what's up in August. 

I would note in closing, though, that I have found myself not even really minding the Blue Jays shaky start this season, and not just because I am enlightened enough to realize that ten games at the start of the season mean no more than ten games in June, and you'd barely even noticed if your team went 4-6 over a ten-game stretch in June. Instead, the reason for my not minding seems to be that I am not all that emotionally invested in any of this yet, surprisingly uninvested, in fact. Maybe it's because I've been kind of super busy (for me, which is admittedly a pretty low bar), or maybe it is just that this is going to be one of those baseball seasons that, for whatever reason, I pay less attention to than others, and wind up outside more and also reading more books. The ways of the heart are a mystery, basically, so what can you even say.


Friday, April 5, 2013

Nationals destroy Marlins with awesomeness

Can't promise I'll post a lot this season, as I flailed out during last year's quest for .500 ball which ended up with the fucking playoffs. Can you believe that? This year hopes are even higher, with motherfuckers being like "World Series, yo." Whatever man it's a long season.
Nonetheless the first three game series went well, with Strasburg and Gio shutting shit down, Davey Johnson going to the bullpen early, and even Jordan Zimmermann looking good as fuck yesterday. I mean it is the Marlins so let's not get carried away, but there is a dangerous thing I want to talk about that could perhaps be our downfall. That thing is The Ultimate Harper.
On twitter a dude asked how the Nats could have gotten rid of Beast Mode, who is already being rather beastly in Seattle. I offered the theory that perhaps it was for the best of everybody that Beast Mode psychology not be allowed to ferment too heavily into the brain of the young and still impressionable Bryce Harper. Because Bryce Harper is kinda crazy. Like he's crazy athletic, and after two blasts in his first two at-bats, including this one to Jayson Werth hiding in the crowd...
he's on pace for like 148 HRs this season. But will he play the entire season? Here he is yesterday, Charlie Hustle 3000ing his way into scoring from first on a double...
Note the stiff blow to the jawbones, and yet the little crazy fucker with the rockabilly hair jumps up. He is Natitude basically, and it was probably best not to infuse that with too much Beast Mode, because let's face it, DC is a doomed town for sports. Our stars end up becoming broken (what up RG3?) or ran out of town like miscreants (what up Agent Zero?) or just never quite live up to the hopes and hype of a desperate public (what up Ovi?). And now the Nats have what looks to be maybe the player of his generation in Bryce Harper.
Actually let me address this Mike Trout/Bryce Harper debate that seems to be ongoing. Mike Trout is a baseball player, and although a good one, he's just some white guy who plays baseball, no different than Joe Mauer or Will Clark or really 19 thousand other white guys who were pretty good at a white guy sport (not counting the Hispanics, because lolol how can you count them all?) Bryce Harper is something different - a thing that happens very rarely. I seriously think he has Pete Rose qualities in that he plays on a different level than everyone else, and ultimately he will have some sort of horrible downfall out of boredom of fucking around with all these very regular white guys and Hispanics all his life. My fear is that The Ultimate Harper will be too Beastly and reckless in situations like above and destroy himself.
And yet at the same time that's my hope too. Fuck self-preservation. Self-preservation and pitch counts and retard chess like that is the worst part of baseball. Bryce Harper is going to destroy shit this year, and other teams are going to try to destroy him. I would put the over-under on bench-clearing brawls at Nats game this year at about 4, and up it to 5 or 6 if the possibility of facing the Cardinals in the playoffs looks very real late in the season. And I'm fine with that. I trust no man more than Davey Johnson to get this haphazard team of youthful wildlings into good fighting spirit. Let's not forget Johnson's greatest claim to managerial fame was the '86 Mets (who these Nats are often compared to in preseason previews), led by Darryl Strawberry (who had an underwhelming overall career considering his initial promise, but cocaine does that to you) and Dwight Gooden (who I don't know, was pretty great but coming out the same time with same fanfare as Roger Clemens, we certainly don't see him as like a Roger Clemens equivalent do we, and I'm not speaking with regards to what a douchebag Clemens is). I guess what I'm saying is that although sure The Ultimate Harper if allowed to be too much like he'd want to be will probably destroy himself and be Dickie Thonned by the Diamondbacks or some shit, I don't care. If you got 'em, smoke 'em. I would like that to be what Natitude is all about, if a PR term can ever actually be about anything real at all.
So yeah, that's what I have to say after our first series of the season. I'll try to check back in after the Reds series this weekend in Cincinnati but it's also getting spring and I've got some garden planting to do, so no promises, okay?

Blue Jays 10, Indians 8: There Were Like A Zillion Dingerz, Which Is The Ideal Number of Dingerz

middle-infield camaraderie might not mean a damn thing to you McNulty but it means a hell of a lot to me
Woah, dingers! Like so many! Let's see OK there was Jose Bautista's, then J.P. Arencibia hit one into the second deck I believe, then E5 with the mighty three-run wallop, and then finally Colby Rasmus who comes to the plate to what sounds like a parody of contemporary country-radio country music but which is I fear probably just contemporary country-radio country music. There were Indians home runs as well, it is perhaps worth noting, if only in passing. I will not detail them here because I do not want to pretend like I cared about them because intellectual and emotional honesty is important. Mark Buehrle wasn't really any good, which is bad, but he takes a Halladay-esque approach to not fucking around between pitches out there, so I will never ever be mad at him, I promise. There was nifty glove work from Emilio Bonifacio as he smoothly turned two with Jose Reyes, I was told by means of radio communication from Jerry Howarth and (*long inhale*) Jack Morris (*long exhale*) who, I guess I should say, really isn't terrible or anything, but he isn't all that good either, and he sure as heck isn't Alan Ashby, who is, I would argue, the most underrated broadcaster in baseball, and probably like the third or fourth best there even is. The Blue Jays could win ninety games this year (as they of course will) and I would still be like "I miss Alan Ashby" instead of talking about how Jose Bautista has eighty home runs. 


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Indians 3, Blue Jays 2 (F/11): I Have A Policy

I had almost all of this one on the radio (the computer radio) while I was engaged in other, extremely important activities and exercises befitting a human of my status and attainment, and it was actually kind of a honey. Brandon Morrow threw like a million pitches en route to being pretty awesome at times (this is his way), and Maicer Izturis improbably hit the first dinger (let us hope the first of many dingers) of this Blue Jays season. He also totally rushed a throw from third and winged it past E5 at first, allowing the go-ahead Cleveland run to score late, but, I mean, who among us. The number of throws from third I myself have hucked into the woods is totally disproportionate to the number of innings I logged at the hot corner in my youth, so I was not upset, particularly. And anyway after that Jose Bautista totally homered! I took my headphones off and raised my arms in jubilation! Things were thus tied after nine, and I called it a night. 

I did this because I have a policy and that is that it is not worth watching extra inning baseball games except in certain rare instances, and this is why: if I watch like thirteen innings and the Blue Jays lose, I will feel like I have wasted my life and all is blasted. If I watch like thirteen innings and the Blue Jays win, I will feel pretty good about it, but not that much better than if I skip out after nine and just find out later that they've won. There will be perhaps the slightest pang, the faintest sensation that it might have been neat to see that, but I will mostly be happy they won and move on with my affairs. But, again, to sit through an extra-innings loss is the worst, and I will not do it. 

If this strikes you as foolishness, which it almost certainly is, I will say in my defense that I have stayed patiently in my seat throughout the duration of hundreds of baseball games at the SkyDome, many of them utter shit-shows, without leaving early. I think I have left maybe three baseball games early ever, and in every case, if memory serves, it was because of concerts and shows and stuff. So do not think I am one of those people; the particular brand of foolishness I am advancing here is in some respects, I think, without precedent.


Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Eff The Haters, R.A. Dickey is the Goddang Best Y'All or You Keep Rockin' Toronto

Indians 4, Blue Jays 1: Yes But Also Baseball

Jose Bautista, seen here looking like I feel whenever I think about Jose Bautista
Tonight was a judo night, which is a night even more sacred than a baseball night -- even, indeed(s), a baseball opening night -- so I didn't really catch any of the game except that except except except when I got in the car to go to judo there was totally baseball on the radio and when I got back in after judo there was totally also baseball on the radio and sure the Blue Jays were losing and it didn't sound at all awesome in that respect however the out-of-town update revealed that Yu Darvish had been striking out all of the Astros and was perfect through a substantial number of innings and on the whole my thoughts and indeed my feelings were like baseball yusssssss.


Monday, April 1, 2013

A Baseball 2013 Preview by the Most Regular Guy on Earth in America

So the baseball has started and the internet is alive with people pretending it’s some glorious thing like daffodils blooming or the phlox turning purple and pink and showing how they’ve creeped another four inches since last spring. But look, baseball is lot like poetry and swing dancing and shit like that in normal people don’t really give that much of a fuck. I mean the white professional class in baseball cities cares because it’s an obvious way to fuck off an afternoon of work but pretend you are still working by taking some dude who might buy something at some unforeseen and barely imaginable point in the future.
Unfortunately a lot of baseball waxing and waning poetically is done by creepy baseball fetishists who think every kid dreams of being a baseball player still. These dudes also are from the 1980s school of Sports Illustrated sports writing who dream of being collected by the Oxford American at some point, and become angry at Grantland analytics charts (although to be fair, Grantland analytics charts and mathematical baseball theorists are just as fucking fruity as poet baseball fans… basically anything you can get a Ph.D. in should not be involved in baseball talk being most baseball players barely go to college if at all and most are either drafted out of high school or they are from a black Hispanic country and pretend to be 16 when they are 14 so that they can pretend to be 18 when they are 20 and play baseball in America).
Sidetracked into my brain bitching about shit, sorry. What I came here to do was give you a preview of the upcoming baseball season with full predictions by the Most Regular Guy on Earth in America, who is me. Let’s start in the American League, because it comes first alphabetically.

(As you can see I’m starting out west to reverse standard patterns of your brain that start on the east. Fuck your brain. These are in predicted order of finish.)
#1: Anaheim Angels of California near Los Angeles – I don’t know man, they seem to sign everybody on earth so they have to be allowed to win something one year. They added Josh Hamilton to Albert Pujols as last year’s big free agent signing, potentially creating the largest most expensive underperformance in baseball history outside of most 21st century seasons of the Yankees. But they’ll win the division. Why? I don’t know man, bunch of famous fuckers on their team.
#2: Oakland Athletics – Essentially the anti-Angels, the A’s are infamous for doing wacky mathematical nonsense to find great players in piles of discarded hard drives ever since Seth Rogen’s little brother did that for them in the ‘90s or some shit. A commonly uncited reason for Athletic awesomeness though is the green and yellow color scheme. No professional sports teams really rock that, other than the As, and the now-defunct Seattle Supersonics. That, combined with Rollie Fingers mustache, and me seeing a picture of the weird Elephants shirt Ty Cobb wore when he played for the Philadelphia Athletics, gives them more psychic power than you can really fuck with. And they will wild card it up, because all of this shit is wild.
#3: Texas Rangers – Josh Hamilton’s straight edginess was the only thing that kept Ron Washington from being full-blown Ron Washington, which in his true wild habitat is sort of like one of Fred Sanford’s friends who would go to clubs with him and try to get him to play that fucking crazy washtub bass contraption. That type of full-blown wackiness is a little too much for an actual baseball team because about 45% of all baseball players are uptight assholes who want perfectly repeated routines during games, not some crazy duck-walking dude wired on life and powdered cocoa extract talking nonsense gibberish at them.
#4: Seattle Mariners – Sadly, perhaps the east coast bias is true because this is the most anonymous of teams out there, meaning they will find it hard to compete and win games when they are busy seeing how many AT&T passwords are just password123 and calling it “hacking”. Hackers make for horrible hitters too. On the plus side, baseball Beast Mode Michael Morse is now in Seattle along with football and original flavor Beast Mode of Marshawn Lynch, which hopefully will create some sort of chaotic power vacuum that allows for fun animated gifs galore. Ultimately that’s all I ask from baseball.
#5: Houston Astros – The Astros were so shitty they were going to get relegated but then somebody was like, “Baseball doesn’t have relegation. This is America you fuck,” so whoever was in charge was like, “lolol that’s right, well let’s move them to the AL, just for the fuck of it.” So essentially, in his devious ways, Bud Selig traded his Milwaukee Brewers to the National League for the Houston Astros, and all the AL got was this shitty striped throwback J.R. Richard jersey.

(The Midwest is literally rusting back into the earth, and if it wasn’t for Mexican cartel leaders wagering large sums of money on games based around their main American hub of Chicago, two of these teams would just have one-third of their games simulated by EA Sports to save us all time and money.)
#1: Detroit Tigers – You may not know this but Justin Verlander is basically Monsanto corn in human form, which is a pretty good argument for genetically modified baseball players in my opinion. I know Verlander is a good dude because I bumped into him one time in Goochland County and we shared some stories outside of George’s Tavern store, and scratched off a shit load of lottery tickets. Eventually I hit a $20 scratcher and was like, “Oh shit! I’m gonna get me four chicken thighs and a forty! Well, not the forty because I quit drinking, so a big spicy V8 instead.” Verlander laughed and said, “Man, Miggy said that EXACT SAME FUCKING THING to me just last month.”
#2: Cleveland Indians – The MSM aka Lame-stream Media is not reporting these things, to keep panic down but there are already marauding gangs of post-Apocalyptic half-feral humans roaming the streets of Cleveland. They could care less about baseball, and most of what they consider true rock-n-roll will never even consider a thing like a “Hall of Fame” something you’d do, as halls of fame are a sign of over-civilization, and marauding gangs usually are against too much civilizational behavior, generally speaking. That being said, the Indians are still real, meaning they exist.
#3: Kansas City Royals – The Royals so desperately want everybody to believe they are the new Rays, building a strong team from within, being smart and practical, all that shit. Royals PR people are constantly trying to convince news sites and baseball experts to tout this talking point, but then they just end up being the Royals again.
#4: Minnesota Twins – The Twins are literally a machine that will never work correctly without a short, stocky black dude as their spark plug. It’s very literal, and until they replace Kirby Puckett, they’ll never be shit, no matter how many non-descript white guys do shampoo commercials. Also who the fuck buys enough shampoo to justify there being commercial endorsements for it? Do you buy special shampoo? Haha, fuck that. What’s wrong with you?
#5: Chicago White Sox – The White Sox are essentially back to being the shitty White Sox nobody cared about, though somebody made a good LaMarr Hoyt joke on twitter earlier, so they always have that to fall back on. Really, in my mind, the White Sox will eternally be nothing more than LaMarr Hoyt’s facial hair and Greg Luzinski’s gut muscles.

(Basically the UEFA of MLB. At least one of these assholes always gets a wild card. Also I just made a veiled soccer reference inside an internet posting about baseball, which means I just plus-oned at internetting, which equals a half-minus at real life.)
#1: Toronto Blue Jays – They have oddly accumulated one of the strangest teams ever. Like if someone was to tell you, “Hey, a baseball team is going to amass a ridiculous amount of potentially still in-prime talent, out of nowhere, for the fuck of it,” you’d never have guessed the Blue Jays. I would’ve said Marlins, then Red Sox, then maybe the Phillies. But there it is. How long will it last? I don’t know. I don’t give a fuck. I just want to have sex up against the window of the outfield hotel room again, but they won’t let me rent the room any more after last time. For as liberalized as their health care is, Canadians are actually fairly conservative, especially with regards to exhibitionist goat sex.
#2: Tampa Bay Rays – Always a disruptive force in the AL East, which is funny considering most everybody in the Tampa/St. Petersburg area is a Yankees fan. It’s kind of like the shitty neglected son is always trying to outdo his asshole dad that everybody thinks is the greatest, so he just ends up being awesome out of spite. That’s the Rays, who literally only will ever sell out Yankees games at home, for eternity. Also wild card, trust me bro.
#3: New York Yankees – Watching the Yankees fail is always great. If you are a Yankees fan, I hope you live a long and suffering life, because you are probably a horrible person, as an individual as well as collectively when amongst others who think like you do. That being said, I’m always thankful for the Yankees signing and acquiring players because it helps me know who to hate. And the next few years, watching A-Rod go from perhaps the greatest player ever to baseball’s Lance Armstrong, oh man that’s going to be so fun to watch. Some people just look like they are born assholes, and A-Rod is one of those some peoples.
#4: Baltimore Orioles – The Orioles are fun and all I guess, but it’s kinda sad to watch Adam Jones career, as he’s the last American-born black kid to have played baseball. Truly the slow-ending of a great era. Imagine life without Jackie Robinson’s civil rights or Willie Mays’s greatness or Dave Parker’s menace. It’s sad. It’s a shame we have to import all our black people who play baseball nowadays, but it’s also a sign that baseball is not as relevant to Americans as the poet-philosopher-theoretical physicist-bloggers would have you believe. RIP Black American Baseball Player – God needed dudes who love sports cars, cocaine, and Loni Anderson, all three circa 1975.
#5: Boston Red Sox – It’s weird because the people who are Red Sox fans are more wretched than the people who are Yankees fans, but somehow it is way easier to hate the Yankees. Not sure why this is culturally. At least we can all be thankful the Red Sox are back to sucking. They should totally wear more green jerseys with shamrocks and shit like that appeal to their completely open-minded and non-racist fanbase. Also if you could somehow cross-breed Red Sox baseball fans with Israeli soccer fans, you would have most open-minded and non-racist fanbase that ever existed. Actually maybe that’s what Bill Simmons actually is?

(I am switching the geographical order this time to keep you confused. The NL East is an amazing place, full of amazing stories of baseball franchises with varied histories and futures that cross like Megabuses in the interstate night.)
#1: Atlanta Braves – Yes, I am saying the Braves will win the division, even though everyone on Earth is like, “WOW MAN THE NATIONALS!” Why? Because the Braves always win, even when they don’t. And then they go to the playoffs, and don’t win, even when they do. That is the dichotic nature of the Atlanta Braves, and it has to be enforced constantly by ill-humored baseball Gods, who actually live in Venezuela and are going to be even more ill-humored this year since Chavez is dead and Castro is dying.
#2: Washington Nationals – I am a Nats fan as much as the Most Regular Guy on Earth in America can actually be the fan of a baseball team. And it sure looks like wonderful things will potentially happen, doesn’t it? Two problems though. First, there is the psychically crushing end to last season’s miraculous playoff appearance. That shit kills souls, who never play good post-season baseball ever again. Secondly, Washington sports teams are cursed, perhaps in a karmic sense due to their close proximity to the American government, which is as ill as it comes, because it’s not dictator ill where you know shit is fucked; it’s marketing campaign ill, where you trick young girls into signing up for prostitution by making it seem cool and freedomly. So because of having watched this play out for many many years, I know that Strasburg is going to have his elbow splinter into three pieces or Bryce Harper is going to get arrested with transgender prostitutes in Baltimore or horrible horrible things are going to happen. Still though, they’ll get a wild card, because that’ll make it even more horrible when it ends again in traumatic fashion.
#3: Philadelphia Phillies – Man, fuck the Phillies.
#4: New York Mets – The Mets are never something I can hate because A) not the Yankees, and B) listening to AM radio from New York at night when the only station you pick up is 660 and hearing weird old dudes who are Mets fans talk about Mets shit. Plus lately I’ve been having recurring dreams where I’m a crazy old Dominican dude who builds secret drug compartments in SUVs for drug dealers at my shop along Jerome Avenue in the Bronx, and when I’m in that guy’s head in my dreams, he fucking loves listening to the Spanish broadcast of Mets games while working in his shop. It’s almost tricked me into ordering a Johan Santana jersey to be honest.
#5: Miami Marlins – As America falls, and the post-Apocalyptic marauders seen in Cleveland start to be nationwide, things like the Marlins new ball park will slowly dilapidate into these garish photos on some South American/African/Asian sub-continent Reddit sub-folder, kind of like the Chernobyl ferris wheel. The thing is, we shouldn’t feel bad; it’s just as hilarious this impending failure of America as the fall of communist Soviet Russia was. Immense failures of human civilization are always hilarious; that’s part of the natural beauty of baseball. (Note: That last sentence is designed to be the one you quote and tweet out when you are building your Personal Brand online by sharing stupid fucking links to stupid fucking shit like this article.)

(I’m not even panning across the country in order because seriously, fuck your brain and how it thinks things are supposed to go. I even contemplated not even doing this in order of finish, but I promised I would at the beginning, and I never break a promise, ever.)
#1: Los Angeles Dodgers – You know how annoying George Steinbrenner was, and football owners like Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder are? You may not realize this but you will come to regard Magic Johnson like that as well. He is cut from that same cloth, and his goofy, want-to-win-ness will eventually turn to overbearing, power-mad, assholeness. In a way, it’s refreshing that we have gotten to a point in American racial history where a black man can end up being an overbearing over-wealthy asshole like Magic will become, especially in baseball, where there will never be any more black American-born baseball players ever again. Also of note is how racial divides are not scientific at all but purely a political creation, which ultimately means when you hate a particular race, you are kind of hating a certain form of politics, although it actually is not hating politics because it plays into the hands of political goals. Shit is tricky nowadays. I go through a lot of yarrow tincture because of this.
#2: San Francisco Giants – The Giants are consistently consistent, and though I’m sad that the kid from Dazed and Confused finally cut his hair off, I’m hoping he balances this with some weird mustache. Wait, no I don’t, because the Giants are the ones with the stupid giant black beard thing going in their bullpen. Brian Wilson is the worst, a sports example of that hipster asshole type who doesn’t actually like anything, just accumulates weird tidbits of weirdness to be like, “I am so weird, aren’t I? But no, I’m normal. Just weird.” It’s all so forced and not organic at all, although organic is a government label not an actual thing so I would imagine Brian Wilson’s goofy bullshit may be certified organic, which just goes to show you shouldn’t trust labels, ever, because you have to ask yourself, who is deciding how the labels are applied? Also, wild card for the Giants, because why not.
#3: San Diego Padres – The Padres I don’t really care about. They do weird camo uniforms sometimes and it’s hard to believe a team could make camouflage uniforms look stupid but they somehow did it. If your organization can do something like that, how can I believe them to ever build a baseball team worth writing a half-witty blurb about?
#4: Arizona Diamondbacks – Always rank them at the bottom because it doesn’t feel like they really exist. “Arizona Diamondbacks” always sounds to me like a made-up team from a movie or TV show, like who Kenny Powers gets signed by when he goes back to the Major Leagues, pitching against the Orlando Breakers or Colorado Rockies or some other made-up shit like that.
#5: Colorado Rockies – See above, but also add in the fact Colorado is the whitest state on the American Earth, and full of people you should not ever like. They are the Yankees fans of the American socio-economic ladder, and instead of calling in to sports talk radio, they hire lobbyists.

(The most poetic of all divisions, and I mean that in the bad way, but also the good way, partially. Does that make sense? Let me put it to you this way: this is the division that gives us things like memories of Dock Ellis or Dave Parker or Pete Rose as Charlie Hustle or goats going to baseball games but not getting to go so witchcraft taking place, more than any other division in baseball, which is a wonderful thing no doubt. But it also gives us Bob Costas’ soliloquies, and all the myriad of ridiculous self-important internetting that has been derived from such a thing, and that is a horrible thing.)
#1: St. Louis Cardinals – Did you know that Cardinals fans have written more books than any other professional sports fanbase, ever? They average 2 books written per every 5.3 fans. The Cardinals baseball team lives by that standard as well, essentially “tl;dr”ing their way to success year after year. They will do it again this year, and probably next year, and forever, and it will always seem painful to watch happen and nobody will ever remember a single piece of it, even as Bob Costas machines start to spread once artificial intelligence learns how to procreate, and there will be all these little flying drones performing indignant soliloquies constantly, everywhere, about how much better everything used to be when it was better and how everything is horrible now because of this horrible thing that is happening. Those days are coming.
#2: Cincinnati Reds – The Reds have become successful again by signing more guys that sound like fictional characters from a Young Adult novel about baseball than any other team. Dudes like Joey Votto and Homer Bailey and Bronson Arroyo are creating this weird magical element where what seems like it fictionally should happen actually happened last year in that they won a pennant. It’s a risky way to build a successful team because once the larger public realizes these guys actually exist and aren’t just a fictional creation from some book, the magic loses its power and the team starts to lose that psychic traction, which is more necessary in baseball than any other sport. Thus the Reds won’t repeat in the playoffs this year, because reality will catch up to them.
#3: Milwaukee Brewers – It says a lot for how shitty the Brewers actually are when their owner is the commissioner of baseball and he still can’t successfully fix them winning a World Series. This is part of why baseball is less relevant to your average American – they are not as good at engineering things as the NFL or even the NBA is. All major sports are fixed, to a certain extent, and to not realize that is na├»ve and consumer of you. I bet you buy shit because of advertisements too. Hahaha, you fucking fool; they are using your own brain chemistry against you, making our human species weaker and more vulnerable to extinction. And you don’t even fucking care, sitting there acting like a baseball game is a real competition between people who actually care one way or another whether they have more runs than the other team. Fucking pitiful.
#4: Pittsburgh Pirates – I always hope this year is the year for the Pirates but it never is. We should just be happy with half-year’s where Pittsburgh throws a victory parade when the Pirates would’ve gotten a wild card berth if the season ended during the All-Star break, and be stoked about that, then let the rest of the season go as it usually does.
#5: Chicago Cubs – What can be said about the Cubs that hasn’t already been said, to death, already? I actually feel sad for Cubs fans because a lot of them can’t help what they were born into. I mean I don’t laugh at Pakistani children who can’t sleep because of drone warfare, do I? Essentially, it’s the same thing, except instead of not being able to sleep at night because of the constant fear that your home may be accidentally destroyed by a missile that kills your family and yourself, you are kinda bummed your baseball team never ends up winning enough games to play a few more games.

Wild card round: Giants humble the Nats again Iron Sheik style; A’s over Rays in road greys during late September days (well one).
Divisional series round: Giants over Braves (again, because it’s the playoffs and Atlanta); Cardinals over Dodgers (stupid fucking Cardinals); Tigers over A’s; Angels over Blue Jays (because realizing it’s the playoffs is gonna freak out Toronto, trust me).
Championship series: Cardinals over Giants (stupid fucking Cardinals); Tigers over Angels.
World Series: Tigers over Cardinals, because I have faith that humanity can be wild and intelligently reckless and rebuild itself from this post-Apocalyptic nightmare we are already halfway inside the middle of, rather than sit around and write a bunch of goddamned books about how it should be and not do a fucking thing and humanity dies while it is busy over-analyzing itself in a self-important manner. Because ultimately that’s what this World Series will be about. Ultimately, that’s what everything is about.