Cardinals 12, Brewers 6: Uecklear Holocaust

Everything in this picture other than Jason Motte's beard: contemptible.

Another brutal drubbing ends another League Championship Series with extreme prejudice. This is a shame. We all knew Shawn Marcum has been kind of awful for a while now, but I don't think anyone could have expected that he'd end his season with a four-run first and be replaced in the second. Nobody else really fared all that much better, so even though the Brewers managed to momentarily club their way back in it with two homers in a three-run second, this one started a laugher and finished a laugher. Unless you were Bob Uecker, in which case you sounded so sad.

I am with these guys.

Also this guy.

KS

Rangers 15, Tigers 5: Neil I Am So Sorry

Yoink.

Clearly there's no good way to lose game six of the American League Championship Series and end your season, but taking an early two-run lead only to go behind for good after a fourteen-batter, nine-run raging, vengeful butt of a third inning has got to be among the worst possible ways. Let it be said that I have absolutely nothing against the Texas Rangers: Jon Daniels has put together an impressive roster of largely non-contemptible guys who can hit, pitch, and catch the ball. The Rangers have gone long enough in their history as winners of absolutely nothing that it is entirely acceptable that they are now a team with back-to-back pennants and a great shot against whoever emerges from the NLCS (almost certainly the loathsome Cardinals, regrettably). Nelson Cruz hit six home runs in this series, which is bananas, and is rightly rewarded with victory. 


But it is really hard not to like the Tigers, even in the abstract, when all you're thinking about is that beautiful park, or those truly classic uniforms, or your childhood memories of Detroit being the great natural rival to your beloved Blue Jays (clearly I am writing in the mode in which "you" equates to "me" and either you are in or you are out, baby). That's a lot of affection before you even get to the particulars of, say, Miguel Cabrera, greatest baseball drunk of his generation, or Justin Verlander, game fireballer struggling to recover his unstoppable midseason form, or Jim Leyland, oldest and smokiest man to ever live. 


I will miss these 2011 Tigers of Detroit. With regard to their thrilling dispatching of the New York Yankees, I thank them for their service. With regard to Neil, let us pray for him in this time of loss and sorrow.


KS

Cardinals 7, Brewers 1: A Butt

You and me both Zack Greinke; you and me both.

Let's be real here: this game was a butt. Greinke didn't have it, and neither did anybody behind him, really -- I am thinking here of the four fielding errors on the night -- and the end result was a slow, methodical drubbing. The St. Louis starters continue to be ungreat, but the bullpen has been lights-out, so the Brewers have derived little benefit of late from this ungreatness. I don't know, man, this one feels over. Yes, we're headed back to Milwaukee, where the Brewers have been utterly ridiculous all year, but they've got Shawn Marcum on the hill tomorrow night, and he's been brutal for more than a month now. I heard him on the radio a few minutes ago being asked about getting knocked around pretty good of late, and whether or not that was something that was particularly on his mind as he gets ready to pitch tomorrow night. He answered that getting knocked around is nothing new to him, since he pitched in the AL East (I can verify that what Shawn Marcum described totally happened).


Just . . . I don't know.


KS

Brewers 4, Cardinals 2: He Truly Was a Randy Wolf Out There

In there, imo.

Hands up, everybody who expected Randy Wolf to pitch seven innings of six-hit, two-run ball last night? The observant reader will note that my hand is not currently up. But good job, Randy Wolf! You were totally the most important of guys last night. The most exciting of guys, however, was Jerry Hairston, who was the lucky recipient of many of my wife's All-Star votes over the years based solely on what she rightly deemed his funny name, and who last night proved himself capable of pretty tremendous slides.  

Also, I don't think we've made enough of John Axford's tremendous look around here. I mean: 

Simcoe, Ontario's own!

And finally, the whole "Beast Mode" thing is probably a little less than awesome, to be perfectly honest, but what if it were a message expressed to you by a brassy lady in classic Brewers pinstripes with a homemade sign amid a sea of sad Cardinals fans?

This lady is like "Eat it, Cards," and I respect that

It would be at least a little better, right?

KS

Tigers 7, Rangers 5: Baseball Is The Weirdest

Home Run King Delmon Young

If Adrian Beltre had gotten around on Justin Verlander's 102 MPH fastball the merest fraction of a second earlier with two on and two out in the fifth inning, and curled it just inside the foul pole down the right field line rather than just outside it, the Tigers are probably finished for the season. If, in the bottom of the sixth, Miguel Cabrera's tailor-made (like, we are talking bespoke) double play grounder hadn't bounced off of third base itself and hopped over the head of the sure-handed Beltre, the Tigers would not have hit for the first natural cycle in postseason history, capped by Delmon Young (of all people)'s second home run of the day. But all of these things happened, because baseball is the weirdest. And also the best! 

Jim Leyland came into the game saying there would be no Benoit and no Valverde, so it was going to be almost entirely up to Justin Verlander, who had not yet been sharp in this postseason. But Verlander lasted a borderline heroic 133 pitches, packing it in midway through the eighth inning, after Nelson Cruz hit a two-run shot, his record fifth home run of the ALCS. Phil Coke made things somewhat ticklish in relief, but nevertheless sealed the deal, which is all that can be asked of Phil Coke in my view.

And so now it's back to Texas, and while I've kind of got a bad feeling about this, I also kind of can't wait.

KS 

Rangers 7, Tigers 3 (F/11): Rangers Cruz to Another Eleven-Inning Win Amirite?

Bless you and your two-RBI double Miguel Cabrera but it was not enough :(

To begin, let us all acknowledge that Rick Porcello did a great job, as did Alburquerque and Benoit in relief. And let's hear it for Brandon Inge, whose solo shot tied the game in the seventh. But man, Nelson Cruz; what can you say. Between throwing out Cabrera by a mile to end the eighth, and hitting the three-run home run that put the game out of reach in the eleventh -- his second eleventh-inning home run in as many nights -- that's just a hell of a game. Sure, nobody wants to get picked off first to end the top of the ninth in a tie game, but I am reasonably confident that nobody will remember that or care at all. 


And now a couple of pictures from the rain delay.

KS

Cardinals 4, Brewers 3: I Do Not Want These St. Louis Cardinals To Win However I Fear They Will

Time to get paid / Blow up like the World Trade

A four-run first -- everybody loves doubles! -- was all the Cardinals needed last night, even though Chris Carpenter was not quite in three-hit-the-Phillies form. The St. Louis bullpen pitched four no-hit innings and didn't even so much as allow at dang walk the rest of the way, and the whole game kind of had this aspect about it:

Why does this series feel like it's over even though the Cards are only up 2-1? I hate that it feels that way.

KS

Cardinals 12, Brewers 3: Albert Pujols, Ladies and Gentlemen

Albert Pujols seen here looking insufficiently pleased with himself

Albert Pujols probably thinks it's cute that Ryan Braun is hitting .500 in the playoffs, but Pujols is hitting .556 now after last night's 4-5 with a home run and three fucking doubles. Poor Shaun Marcum, who just looks worn out, totally out of gas. I don't even know, man, this game was brutal. Let's just spend the off-day thinking about sausage races and reconvene tomorrow.

GO SAUSAGES

KS 

Rangers 7, Tigers 3 (F/11): I Don't Know, Nelson Cruz

Exciting, but somewhat gauche.

Really, Nelson Cruz? A walk-off grand slam? Not a seeing-eyed ground ball, or a little flare the other way? A crisp single to left, a lined shot into the corner, or even a ball to the gap would have been perfectly acceptable, but a walk-off grand slam, the first officially recorded in the history of postseason baseball, there is a certain muchness to it that is almost indecorous, unseemly. It is more than the moment demanded; I guess that is the nature of my grievance. Also I kind of want the Tigers to win this thing, so that is another aspect of my grievance.


Good for Cruz and everything, with his second home run of the night to win it (his first drew the Rangers even in the seventh after Ryan Raburn's three-run shot had put Detroit ahead in the early going). But what really stands out about last night's game for me was the pretty incredible ninth, in which both teams loaded the bases, but neither scored. There's a great video recap of the inning here (I apologize for linking you to so much Joe Buck, but my hands are tied on this one). Do you think Tigers third-base coach Gene Lamont wishes he'd sent Ramon Santiago home on Don Kelly's double with two away? With two outs, the general rule would be to send the runner from first on that ball, but Nelson Cruz got to it quick and got it in even quicker, so what can you do? After a cowardly (not really) intentional walk to Cabrera, Victor Martinez, who has been money all year, popped up to very shallow centre. It nearly dropped in, and then really nearly dropped in as Elvis Andrus bobbled the ball. He jogged off the field grinning, fully aware that he'd just gotten away with one. 


Then Valverde came out and kind Valverde'd around a little: a lead-off double to Beltre that was smoked high off the wall; an intentional walk to Napoli; and an extremely hit batsman in the person of Nelson Cruz to load the bases with nobody out. After David Murphy's shallow fly ball to left for the first out, Cabrera and Alex Avila turned Mitch Moreland's broken bat grounder to first into a beautiful 3-2-3 double play to end the inning, the kind of unlikely play that everybody would be talking about today if the Tigers had gone on to win it, but they totally didn't, so . . .


KS

Brewers 9, Cardinals 6: That Six-Run Fifth Was Bananas

As hard as baseballs get hit, ever.

Much is rightly made of the Milwaukee crowd. They're crazy loud, for starters, and there are a lot of them, and both of those things are excellent, but what gets me is, who tailgates baseball at all, let alone with the single-minded intensity of Brewers fans? "The grills were smokin'," Bob Uecker reported about yesterday's pregame festivities. I bet! Sausages are the best.


I'll tell you who was not the best, at least not yesterday, was Zack Greinke, who recently denounced Chris Carpenter as "phony," which is pretty cold: six runs on eight hits and couple of walks in six innings is rarely going to get it done. Fortunately for him, though, Ryan Braun hit one out in the first -- Jaime Garcia responded by putting Prince Fielder on his considerable ass, although I can totally buy that it wasn't intentional, given that he was wild that entire inning -- and then the fifth inning was, as I may have already mentioned, bananas. If you haven't seen it, or if you have seen it, but without the accompaniment of Bob Uecker, you really should click here. Our highlight joins the inning already well under way, after a Cory Hart single and a double from Jerry Hairston; you'll see and hear the TBS call of Ryan Braun's ground rule double (what a crazy bounce!). Then you will hear Bob Uecker call Prince Fielder's two-run, Delgado-esque lined shot that leaves the ballpark as quickly as a baseball can do anything at all, really, and what I really love about the clip is not just how worked up Uecker gets, nor how worked up Fielder is as he crosses the plate and plays to the crowd and his teammates; the best part is just after that, when he's walking towards the end of the dugout, nobody else around him, and he's still completely riled up, as though all that other stuff he's done was for show, and now that he's alone he can really let go. Also stay tuned for Ueck's call of Yuniesky Betancourt's two run dinger: "HERE COMES YUNI BEEEEEEEEEE!" You will note that the mighty wallop was struck off of the hangingest breaking ball anyone has ever seen not just from Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, but, like, ever, as in ever ever.    


Despite the bananity of all of that, it could very well have been for naught, as Albert Pujols came up with two on and nobody out in the seventh. That he grounded into a classic, around-the-horn 5-4-3 double play to plate a run but end the threat of the big inning, was legitimately surprising to me, as I figured he would have launched one, you know? Since he is arguably the greatest right-handed hitter since Hank Greenberg? But double play ground balls happen, man, they just happen. What can be done? Here's a photograph of Albert Pujols from yesterday that I like -- it's not the double play ball; it's his single in the first, but here it is all the same:

I am all about pictures at the plate where you see the batter, catcher, and umpire all looking in exactly the same direction for a second. I can't say why. Also I am all about yesterday's game, and in this case I can say why: it is because it was so awesome and exciting.


KS

Rangers 3, Tigers 2: Maybe Justin Verlander's Arm is An Affront to God

if you do not enjoy a brick backdrop behind home plate then we are very different people

What if Justin Verlander is like a quilt without a flawed stitch, and comes too close to perfection, which offends Him, and so He, in His infinite wisdom, makes it rain as though He were Jim Jones featuring Lil' Wayne, and compels Tim Welke to squeeze him (as opposed to Him) on the corners? Am I wrong? Almost certainly, yes. I admit that I went to bed at the beginning of the second rain delay, and so was not witness to the remaining several innings in which no runs were scored, and so I am just a guy with a box score and a video highlight package from MLB Advanced Media, so rather than attempting any kind of analysis here I would instead like to show you pictures of both managers from last night's game that kind of capture the essence of the respective dudes, in my view:

Not pictured: cigarettes between every finger on either hand.

. . . high five high five high five high five high five high five high five high five high . . .

And here's a picture of Leyland and Washington hanging out at the cage:

Ron Washington: Oh yeah, you saw it?
Jim Leyland: Yeah man I really liked that one scene where you were at Hatteberg's house and Brad Pitt was like "it's not that hard; tell 'em, Wash" and you were like "it's incredibly hard" and I was like lol

This one is maybe even better:

Above: baseball managers

I also really like these two of Cabrera and Josh Hamilton -- imagine, if you dare, the shenanigan/monkey shine potential of this pairing--about to head in at the start of the second rain delay:

rainin' hard or hardly rainin' lol

seriously though let's get together

Something I am always on the lookout for is photographs of pitcher's follow-throughs -- I can't explain why -- and this game did not disappoint:

Anyway, I could spend all morning showing you photos from a baseball game I didn't watch all the way through, but eventually you just have to start your day, you know? Even Sundays.


KS

Cardinals 1, Phillies 0: But Mostly I Still Hate J. P. Ricciardi

A tough one to leg out, especially if your leg explodes en route

After giving up a lone run in the first off a leadoff Rafael Furcal triple and a Skip Schumaker double (lol wut?), Roy Halladay totally pitched like Roy Halladay the rest of the way, even working his way out of a bases-loaded, one-out jam in the eighth without allowing a run. He was terrific, but not as good as Chris Carpenter, who opted instead for the three-hit, complete-game shutout (an excellent selection, sir, if I may say so). In the buildup to this one, there was a lot of talk in the national sports media about how Halladay and Carpenter are quite close friends dating back to their time together in the Blue Jays' minor league system. Closer to home -- like, literally in my house -- there was also a lot of talk about how galling it was/remains that J. P. Ricciardi wouldn't offer the then-injured Carpenter a league-minimum contract, and instead let a future Cy Young Award winner just walk for nothing when he totally wanted to stay. That is the lens through which I watched last night's game, from earliest goings-on to Ryan Howard blowing out his leg while making the last Phillies' out for the second year in a row. Thanks again J. P. 


Hey, isn't it odd that there are no teams from either the AL or NL East left now? We would have all agreed that those were the two best divisions in baseball this year, right? But the playoffs, man: just a crapshoot, a rad, rad crapshoot.


Finally, look at how sad this Phillies fan with the profane flask is:

The flask is asking to much of this man right now

KS

Brewers 3, Diamondbacks 2 (F/10): The Best Game

Not pictured: Bob Uecker, pleased

In the end, it was totally worth seeing the Diamondbacks tie it up in the top of the ninth on a safety squeeze, and add insult to injury with another ridiculous snake gesticulation (how I loathe "The Snake" -- say what you will about the Brewers' "Beast Mode," which is itself far from ideal, but I will take it over what basically amounts to this any day). Because holy cow, what a finish: ex-Regina Pat Nyjer Morgan, who you almost certainly know better as the ineffable Tony Plush, dribbled a single up the middle to bring Carlos Gomez, who had singled and stolen second, racing home ahead of the throw to the plate. It was awesome, an awesomeness rendered truly sublime by the even-more-ecstatic-than-usual Bob Uecker. Then Nyjer Morgan said "fuck" a lot on mic, and revealed in the post-game press conference that his greatest motivation is his desire to show the haters he can play this game. It was more than any of us could have ever asked for.


Have I mentioned Chris Young's catch? It is shabby of me if I have not, because it was pretty incredible, even though nobody will end up caring because the Diamondbacks lost.


Anyway: loved this one, absolutely loved it. As tight and tense a playoff game as you could ever hope to see.


KS

Tigers 3, Yankees 2: Our Long (Inter)National Nightmare is Over

shucks

When Derek Jeter hit a fly ball to deep right field with the tying run on and two outs in the bottom of the eighth, and the Yankee Stadium crowd reacted like you would expect the Yankee Stadium crowd to react in that moment, I was sure it was gone -- just for a second, but sure, absolutely sure. That it settled easily into Don Kelly's glove a few feet in front of the wall was, to me, more surprising than the Yankees leaving the bases loaded twice, more surprising, even, than the back-to-back home runs from Kelly and Delmon Young in the first inning. It just seemed like here was Derek Jeter, in the playoffs, in Yankee Stadium, and that was it, the Tigers luck had run out, and the natural order of the universe was about to reassert itself. When Jose Valverde came out in the bottom of the ninth, as is his custom, to face Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano, and Alex Rodriguez, that weighty-as-all-hell task seemed lighter to me (no doubt not to him) because Jeter's ball had stayed in the park, suggesting that the usual yet intolerable rules that govern all things Yankee might not hold. If there is a sweeter way to dispense of the Yankees than by getting Alex Rodriguez swinging to end the ninth, I don't know what it could be. 


Bless you, 2011 Detroit Tigers. You have done us a gracious service, for which we thank you with all sincerity. 


KS

Diamondbacks 10, Brewers 6: This is Unacceptable

Unacceptable.

This has to stop. I totally get that the Diamondbacks had a worst-to-first turnaround, and they're an exciting underdog team, and they're hitting tons of home runs this series (including grand slams two nights in a row, which is something), and they've even got a couple of recently departed Blue Jays on the roster (Aaron Hill can still hit sometimes, looks like), so there is really no reason for me to feel this way. But, again, this has to stop. Because I hate it. Happily, the Brewers were a ridiculous 57-24 at home this year, and game five is indeed in Milwaukee, so things are looking up, a little, maybe?


KS

Cardinals 5, Phillies 3: Go Squirrel!

go squirrel go squirrel go squirrel

For the second day in a row, a squirrel -- the same squirrel? --- stole the show in St. Louis, and I am all for it, let me tell you. Tuesday night, s/he bombed around the infield and booked it down the left field line; last night, the marvelous creature you see in the above photograph made an appearance whilst Skip Schumaker took his cuts. Other cool things that happened: Shane Victoriano fell all over himself trying to get the ball back in from centre, and ended up throwing it behind him, which is not something you see every day; Albert Pujols pulled off the bag at first on a throw from short because he saw the runner at second breaking for third, gunned it, and got the out, which was amazing, frankly; Scrabble struck Ryan Howard out swinging in a key at bat late; and David Freese went berserk with a three-run home run and an RBI double. From that catalogue of notable occurrences, you might conclude that I have hopes for the Cardinals, but that is not in fact the case: it is entirely my hope and desire that Roy Halladay best Chris Carpenter Friday night in a winner-take-all showdown of former Blue Jays starting pitchers whom I will never forgive J. P. Ricciardi for losing. Play ball!


KS


UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE 


Here's Victorino:

also there is SQUIRREL GIF:

HERE HERE HERE is a link to some squirrel video, and below you will find an outstanding single frame from that video, which I have captured on my own using advanced computer technologies.

Why AM Radio is the Superior Form of Baseball Following

So work is crazy - like three 14 hour days to start the week, then wind down to the regular 8, and wait until you die, because "that's the nature of the job" as it is explained. So I don't do shit other than work, and when I am in that mode, I tend to slip into sports radio during the commute, because it gives me the false impression of other human beings being in my life. During the regular year, your local team is all that you find on AM radio in the day time (Orioles and Nationals where I live), and at night, AM goes into that chaos zone where you don't get local radio but all of a sudden some powermonger signal from Denver comes in better than anything else. During the playoffs, this is fun because then there is pretty much important baseball on, instead of randomly getting like a meaningless Reds/Pirates game like a month ago.
Well, yesterday night, the wife was wore out as I called her on the way home, so I ordered pizza from the little joint in our little town called Slice of Heaven, who sometimes makes awesome pizza and sometimes makes not-so-awesome pizza, but when the dude who works there answered the phone, I knew it was good because he is the awesome pizza maker at that 4-person establishment. Ordered up a pepperoni (out of pepperoni, so had to go sausage) and a white pizza with tomatoes and basil (out of basil, so we went with just tomatoes). "20 minutes" which was my ride to my hometown from stupid work, so I scan through the AM and get a feed of the Phillies/Cardinals game which I assume was the Phillies team because the color dude was referred to as "Sarge" which I have to guess was Gary Matthews (who I also guess now must be referred to as Gary Matthews Sr.).
Game sounded cool, AM radio baseball is such a soothing meditative background effect to life, and really, I can imagine nothing better than some sort of super cybertronic AM radio magic machine that is more radio than smart phone and I can sit in my back yard in my old age in the summer time, drinking vegetable juice out of a mason jar, listening to baseball games from around the universe. (I assume we will have space baseball by then, with epic long balls due to gravitational factors. Also epic curveballs though.)
I get back in the truck with the pizzas after picking them up, and the radio is calling the game, and basically it's like this: Oswalt throws a strike, but a squirrel ran across home plate, but Angel Hernandez didn't call it a strike and it's 2-1, how is that a ball, Oswalt is wondering what is up with that call, the squirrel is running up the stairs, Charlie Manuel is coming out...
So basically, that instance, which happened live on the radio broadcast is discussed by a baritone voiced play-by-play guy and Sarge for the next ten minutes (it seemed like) before Roy Oswalt finally got around to throwing his next pitch. I'm sure being this is the interwebs there is some sort of audio clip of the whole affair, but I also am sure being this is the interwebs you've already seen an animated gif of the squirrel. I just want you to know that seeing that thing pales in comparison to hearing it through the snap and crackle of AM radio, where your mind fleshes out the words with your own internal visions based on your personal frame of reference. Thank you AM radio, for still existing, and being transpermutated into my raggedy Nissan truck last night.

Yankees 10, Tigers 1: Good A. J. + Granderson's Treachery + The Existential Fact of Rick Porcello = Bad Times Man Bad Times

Shades of Eric Davis in the 1990 World Series (except Granderson totally caught it)

I am not about to praise Granderson for that first catch, the one in the first inning where he totally misread the ball and started in before realizing that was totally not the thing to do. Yes, his recovery from that error of judgment was impressive, and it saved a bunch of runs, but that was a bad read, and if you think I am about to sit here on my couch with a bag of Hickory Sticks and a Dr. Pepper and laud a man for a bad read, you are sorely mistaken (and you can't have any Hickory Sticks), but man, oh man, that second catch was pretty tasty. Sticking with our snacking motif, I will suggest to you in closing that Granderson's two big catches last night combined with his RBI double to produce a Hertz Doughnut that might spend but a moment on the lips of Detroit baseball fans, but, could potentially last a lifetime on the hips. 


Also, phooey. 


KS

Diamondbacks 8, Brewers 1: shaunmarcum.gif

Not the homer, but still

In the fifth inning last night, Paul Goldschmidt hit grand slam off of former-Blue-Jay-of-whom-I-am-still-fond Shuan Marcum, as you can see from the following animated gif:

I tuned out in the eighth, with Ueck standing upon the perilous edge of going full Harry Doyle.


KS

Phillies 3, Cardinals 2: Pitchers' Duel, Motherfucker

I left my heart in Ben Francisco and you know what, it was incredibly erotic.

If you wanted to be a jerk about it, you could point out that there were an awful lot of baserunners for a game that I am calling a pitchers' duel, but when you are scoreless headed into the seventh in the playoffs, then mister, you've got yourself a pitchers' duel as far as I'm concerned. Yesterday, the contemptible Tony La Russa, who is also a genius according to sportswriters who are fools, decided that there is just no way you can let a monster like Carlos Ruiz beat you, so you put him on, basically, never mind that, although the pitcher's spot is up next, Cole Hammels has thrown like 117 pitches so they would obviously go to the bench for a bat, right? You ignore that, because it isn't important. So then Ben Francisco comes up, and guides a three-run shot just over the wall in the left-centre, and that's pretty much the ballgame. Good game Tony! Really managed the shit out of that one! In his defense, it is entirely possible he was blinded by sublimity at the time. I mean, look:

Above: Baseball, a game played in the interest of awesomeness.

KS