mathematically eliminated #15 the Milwaukee Brewers

With they loss today the Brewers are out of this shit. Prince Fielder is gone so they become a useless collection of useless fuckers to appease a white crowd. Ryan Braun is being hinted at a possible repeat as NL MVP. Let me just make this clear - fuck Ryan Braun, and fuck the Brewers. If there is any team whose history, uniforms, and star players reek of Aryanism, it is this team. I am glad they do not clutter up any postseason baseball with their innate ugliness.
Speaking of Fielder, I sometimes look forward to post-financial Apocalyptic America, because imagine the Tigers and Brewers teams fighting. And then imagine the city of Detroit fighting the city of Milwaukee, although I guess I shouldn't because I'm at first like, "Oh man, Detroit would kill them," but also Detroit is a dilapidated city and their wolve-human residents would have to ride in piecemeal old Ford cars like that Johnny Cash song where he stole one part a year, whereas Milwaukee would send tanks and shit into Michigan and probably broker some fucked up shady deal with Flint where the people of Flint stormed Detroit and there was massive rioting, and then Milwaukee tanks rolled in and just killed everybody and took over the city.
Of course Detroit, your stupid Robocop statue would do you no good then. But hey, you are still alive in this baseball season, have Prince Fielder's chunky monkey ass showing love, and Milwaukee is just riding out their last few games like a bunch of assholes. Makes me sad for Tony Plush though. I am always sad for Tony Plush though.

Brewers 7, Blue Jays 6; Blue Jays 10, Brewers 9; Brewers 8, Blue Jays 3: Look, We Don't Have Any Pitchers

we do however have the above guy

Seriously, that's it. There are no more pitchers. So it is was pretty rad last night that the Blue Jays went dingers bananas, back-to-back twice in the same game. Colby Rasmus has been pretty rad since an adjustment to his swing; E5 is not at the torrid pace he was to begin the season, which, I mean, that's fair; and yeah man Jose Bautista is shaking off a weird start and just straight-up killing it of late. Make no mistake: the Blue Jays are largely boned, as would any team be that had just seen sixty percent of their starting rotation hit the disabled list. But I am ready to just sit back and watch an at-or-near .500 club hit some dang dingers.


KS

Cardinals 12, Brewers 6: Uecklear Holocaust

Everything in this picture other than Jason Motte's beard: contemptible.

Another brutal drubbing ends another League Championship Series with extreme prejudice. This is a shame. We all knew Shawn Marcum has been kind of awful for a while now, but I don't think anyone could have expected that he'd end his season with a four-run first and be replaced in the second. Nobody else really fared all that much better, so even though the Brewers managed to momentarily club their way back in it with two homers in a three-run second, this one started a laugher and finished a laugher. Unless you were Bob Uecker, in which case you sounded so sad.

I am with these guys.

Also this guy.

KS

Cardinals 7, Brewers 1: A Butt

You and me both Zack Greinke; you and me both.

Let's be real here: this game was a butt. Greinke didn't have it, and neither did anybody behind him, really -- I am thinking here of the four fielding errors on the night -- and the end result was a slow, methodical drubbing. The St. Louis starters continue to be ungreat, but the bullpen has been lights-out, so the Brewers have derived little benefit of late from this ungreatness. I don't know, man, this one feels over. Yes, we're headed back to Milwaukee, where the Brewers have been utterly ridiculous all year, but they've got Shawn Marcum on the hill tomorrow night, and he's been brutal for more than a month now. I heard him on the radio a few minutes ago being asked about getting knocked around pretty good of late, and whether or not that was something that was particularly on his mind as he gets ready to pitch tomorrow night. He answered that getting knocked around is nothing new to him, since he pitched in the AL East (I can verify that what Shawn Marcum described totally happened).


Just . . . I don't know.


KS

Brewers 4, Cardinals 2: He Truly Was a Randy Wolf Out There

In there, imo.

Hands up, everybody who expected Randy Wolf to pitch seven innings of six-hit, two-run ball last night? The observant reader will note that my hand is not currently up. But good job, Randy Wolf! You were totally the most important of guys last night. The most exciting of guys, however, was Jerry Hairston, who was the lucky recipient of many of my wife's All-Star votes over the years based solely on what she rightly deemed his funny name, and who last night proved himself capable of pretty tremendous slides.  

Also, I don't think we've made enough of John Axford's tremendous look around here. I mean: 

Simcoe, Ontario's own!

And finally, the whole "Beast Mode" thing is probably a little less than awesome, to be perfectly honest, but what if it were a message expressed to you by a brassy lady in classic Brewers pinstripes with a homemade sign amid a sea of sad Cardinals fans?

This lady is like "Eat it, Cards," and I respect that

It would be at least a little better, right?

KS

Cardinals 4, Brewers 3: I Do Not Want These St. Louis Cardinals To Win However I Fear They Will

Time to get paid / Blow up like the World Trade

A four-run first -- everybody loves doubles! -- was all the Cardinals needed last night, even though Chris Carpenter was not quite in three-hit-the-Phillies form. The St. Louis bullpen pitched four no-hit innings and didn't even so much as allow at dang walk the rest of the way, and the whole game kind of had this aspect about it:

Why does this series feel like it's over even though the Cards are only up 2-1? I hate that it feels that way.

KS

Cardinals 12, Brewers 3: Albert Pujols, Ladies and Gentlemen

Albert Pujols seen here looking insufficiently pleased with himself

Albert Pujols probably thinks it's cute that Ryan Braun is hitting .500 in the playoffs, but Pujols is hitting .556 now after last night's 4-5 with a home run and three fucking doubles. Poor Shaun Marcum, who just looks worn out, totally out of gas. I don't even know, man, this game was brutal. Let's just spend the off-day thinking about sausage races and reconvene tomorrow.

GO SAUSAGES

KS 

Brewers 9, Cardinals 6: That Six-Run Fifth Was Bananas

As hard as baseballs get hit, ever.

Much is rightly made of the Milwaukee crowd. They're crazy loud, for starters, and there are a lot of them, and both of those things are excellent, but what gets me is, who tailgates baseball at all, let alone with the single-minded intensity of Brewers fans? "The grills were smokin'," Bob Uecker reported about yesterday's pregame festivities. I bet! Sausages are the best.


I'll tell you who was not the best, at least not yesterday, was Zack Greinke, who recently denounced Chris Carpenter as "phony," which is pretty cold: six runs on eight hits and couple of walks in six innings is rarely going to get it done. Fortunately for him, though, Ryan Braun hit one out in the first -- Jaime Garcia responded by putting Prince Fielder on his considerable ass, although I can totally buy that it wasn't intentional, given that he was wild that entire inning -- and then the fifth inning was, as I may have already mentioned, bananas. If you haven't seen it, or if you have seen it, but without the accompaniment of Bob Uecker, you really should click here. Our highlight joins the inning already well under way, after a Cory Hart single and a double from Jerry Hairston; you'll see and hear the TBS call of Ryan Braun's ground rule double (what a crazy bounce!). Then you will hear Bob Uecker call Prince Fielder's two-run, Delgado-esque lined shot that leaves the ballpark as quickly as a baseball can do anything at all, really, and what I really love about the clip is not just how worked up Uecker gets, nor how worked up Fielder is as he crosses the plate and plays to the crowd and his teammates; the best part is just after that, when he's walking towards the end of the dugout, nobody else around him, and he's still completely riled up, as though all that other stuff he's done was for show, and now that he's alone he can really let go. Also stay tuned for Ueck's call of Yuniesky Betancourt's two run dinger: "HERE COMES YUNI BEEEEEEEEEE!" You will note that the mighty wallop was struck off of the hangingest breaking ball anyone has ever seen not just from Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, but, like, ever, as in ever ever.    


Despite the bananity of all of that, it could very well have been for naught, as Albert Pujols came up with two on and nobody out in the seventh. That he grounded into a classic, around-the-horn 5-4-3 double play to plate a run but end the threat of the big inning, was legitimately surprising to me, as I figured he would have launched one, you know? Since he is arguably the greatest right-handed hitter since Hank Greenberg? But double play ground balls happen, man, they just happen. What can be done? Here's a photograph of Albert Pujols from yesterday that I like -- it's not the double play ball; it's his single in the first, but here it is all the same:

I am all about pictures at the plate where you see the batter, catcher, and umpire all looking in exactly the same direction for a second. I can't say why. Also I am all about yesterday's game, and in this case I can say why: it is because it was so awesome and exciting.


KS

Brewers 3, Diamondbacks 2 (F/10): The Best Game

Not pictured: Bob Uecker, pleased

In the end, it was totally worth seeing the Diamondbacks tie it up in the top of the ninth on a safety squeeze, and add insult to injury with another ridiculous snake gesticulation (how I loathe "The Snake" -- say what you will about the Brewers' "Beast Mode," which is itself far from ideal, but I will take it over what basically amounts to this any day). Because holy cow, what a finish: ex-Regina Pat Nyjer Morgan, who you almost certainly know better as the ineffable Tony Plush, dribbled a single up the middle to bring Carlos Gomez, who had singled and stolen second, racing home ahead of the throw to the plate. It was awesome, an awesomeness rendered truly sublime by the even-more-ecstatic-than-usual Bob Uecker. Then Nyjer Morgan said "fuck" a lot on mic, and revealed in the post-game press conference that his greatest motivation is his desire to show the haters he can play this game. It was more than any of us could have ever asked for.


Have I mentioned Chris Young's catch? It is shabby of me if I have not, because it was pretty incredible, even though nobody will end up caring because the Diamondbacks lost.


Anyway: loved this one, absolutely loved it. As tight and tense a playoff game as you could ever hope to see.


KS

Diamondbacks 10, Brewers 6: This is Unacceptable

Unacceptable.

This has to stop. I totally get that the Diamondbacks had a worst-to-first turnaround, and they're an exciting underdog team, and they're hitting tons of home runs this series (including grand slams two nights in a row, which is something), and they've even got a couple of recently departed Blue Jays on the roster (Aaron Hill can still hit sometimes, looks like), so there is really no reason for me to feel this way. But, again, this has to stop. Because I hate it. Happily, the Brewers were a ridiculous 57-24 at home this year, and game five is indeed in Milwaukee, so things are looking up, a little, maybe?


KS

Diamondbacks 8, Brewers 1: shaunmarcum.gif

Not the homer, but still

In the fifth inning last night, Paul Goldschmidt hit grand slam off of former-Blue-Jay-of-whom-I-am-still-fond Shuan Marcum, as you can see from the following animated gif:

I tuned out in the eighth, with Ueck standing upon the perilous edge of going full Harry Doyle.


KS

Brewers 9, Diamondbacks 4: I Totally Didn't Catch Any of This One But Here Are Some Sausages

GO SAUSAGES!

KS

Brewers 4, Diamondbacks 1: Arguably, You Don't Pitch to Prince There

First pitch: Bob Uecker

Not that it mattered, much: the real mistake was probably pitching to Lucroy with two outs, Betancourt on third (from a triple! a triple that nearly killed Bob Uecker through excitement!), and the pitcher's spot due up next. Amazing, isn't it, that I can pay almost no attention at all to the National League all season, and yet front like I have a firm grasp on the strategies most appropriate to it as soon as the playoffs begin?


Anyway. Go Brewers. Also, please station paramedics immediately outside the radio booth. I worry that we almost lost Bob Uecker this afternoon, and this was only game one.

That's right: Bob Uecker.

KS