Usually, being a Rangers fan is not unlike constantly being kicked in the dick by fate. Fuck, prior to this year they were the only team in the league who had never even won a playoff series. The entire heights of my baseball fan life, prior to 2010, were Nolan Ryan punching the fuck out of Robin Ventura, and Game 1 vs. the Yankees, 1996.
Heading into 2010, the team was financially... fucked, after Tom "Blow Me Fuck Face Sr." Hicks, leveraged the Rangers and the Dallas Stars into buying another toy, Liverpool of the Premier League. When the economy keeled over and died, he defaulted on all of these leveraged loans, leaving the team in the hands of Bud fucking Selig and a bunch of creditors. The league found a group to buy the team, fronted by Chuck Greenberg and Nolan Ryan, who sounded like they knew what the hell they were doing... but this shit drug OUT... and OUT... and OUT, until the team was finally put up for auction between this group, and Mark Cuban's group, which seemingly only wanted the TV rights.
Nolan and Chuck won, and I can only assume it's because Chuck has a colossal dong... well, at least colossal enough to impress Mrs. Ryan. By this time, the majority of the 2010 season had passed, and it wouldn't be unwise to think the team was suffering. Amazingly, however, this was not the case. In 2010, the Rangers basically made the AL West their prison bitch from day one, and proceeded to fuck the other teams in the ass when they wanted, and where they wanted. The team tore the league a new asshole through a particularly great stretch in June, and played well enough the rest of the time, that the playoffs weren't really in doubt. In preparation, the team went out and acquired several new core and not so core players. Guys like Bengie Molina, Jorge Cantu, Cristian Guzman, Jeff Francouer, and Cliff Lee.
Bengie MolinaWith the team playing out of it's fucking mind, they march through the Rays and then through the motherfucking Yankees, striking out Alex Rodriguez to head to their first World Series. Legit, one of the best sports moments of my life. I fucking loved this team. Then, as luck tends to do, it ran out, and the team looked like shit in 5 games I never really want to relive against the San Francisco Giants.
Which leads to the offseason: A lot of faces head out, not so many head back in. The Rangers made it priority number one to resign Cliff Lee. Originally, it seemed as if the Yankees were just going to moneyfuck him and his bitch ass wife to New York. Then, after a big meeting at Lee's house in Arkansas, the Rangers appeared to be the front runners, and I'm fully prepared to be just fucking ecstatic about it, even if the contract ended up being really stupid. However, in the 23rd fucking hour, he runs off to play second, or third, or fuck, maybe even fourth fiddle with the fucking Phillies. It's like finding out this chick you're trying to fuck called up her ex boyfriend, who'd moved on a year ago, offered to blow him in the back of a car, and now lives in a communal groupfuck with him and the new bitch. Just not right if you ask me.
So the Rangers counter the loss of a Cy Young winner with the gain of another, when they sign one-armed Brandon Webb to an incentive-laden deal, fresh off of reports that his heat was in the low 80s. I'm excited. Of course, he ended up not being the big fish. Adrian Beltre and his super sensitive head did.
The biggest plus for the Rangers, beyond how much fun Andres Blanco, David Murphy, and the other jokers on the team are going to have fucking with Beltre's head, is that Michael motherfucking Young, the Roger Dorn of modern day MLB, will be moved off of third base, where he would regularly dive at routine plays that just happened to fall out of his reach, making "past a diving Michael Young..." a meme on Rangers fan sites, and to the motherfucking bench where he will DH. What was merely a local joke became an international one in the ALCS, when upon a hard hit ball by Alex Rodriguez, Young moved OUT OF THE WAY OF THE BALL and then attempted to "Ole!" it. Sit your ass on the pine, face of the franchise.
Well, there were some Rangers feelings, I guess. Whenever the hell I decide to write again, it will probably be a season preview or something.
Which leads to the offseason: A lot of faces head out, not so many head back in. The Rangers made it priority number one to resign Cliff Lee. Originally, it seemed as if the Yankees were just going to moneyfuck him and his bitch ass wife to New York. Then, after a big meeting at Lee's house in Arkansas, the Rangers appeared to be the front runners, and I'm fully prepared to be just fucking ecstatic about it, even if the contract ended up being really stupid. However, in the 23rd fucking hour, he runs off to play second, or third, or fuck, maybe even fourth fiddle with the fucking Phillies. It's like finding out this chick you're trying to fuck called up her ex boyfriend, who'd moved on a year ago, offered to blow him in the back of a car, and now lives in a communal groupfuck with him and the new bitch. Just not right if you ask me.
So the Rangers counter the loss of a Cy Young winner with the gain of another, when they sign one-armed Brandon Webb to an incentive-laden deal, fresh off of reports that his heat was in the low 80s. I'm excited. Of course, he ended up not being the big fish. Adrian Beltre and his super sensitive head did.
The biggest plus for the Rangers, beyond how much fun Andres Blanco, David Murphy, and the other jokers on the team are going to have fucking with Beltre's head, is that Michael motherfucking Young, the Roger Dorn of modern day MLB, will be moved off of third base, where he would regularly dive at routine plays that just happened to fall out of his reach, making "past a diving Michael Young..." a meme on Rangers fan sites, and to the motherfucking bench where he will DH. What was merely a local joke became an international one in the ALCS, when upon a hard hit ball by Alex Rodriguez, Young moved OUT OF THE WAY OF THE BALL and then attempted to "Ole!" it. Sit your ass on the pine, face of the franchise.
Well, there were some Rangers feelings, I guess. Whenever the hell I decide to write again, it will probably be a season preview or something.
COME ON DORN GET IN FRONT OF THE DAMN BALL
ReplyDeletealso lol bengie molina