Live-Blogging the Home Run Derby or Chris Berman is a Fat Idiot

How do I shot dingerz

Home runs start at 8:00EST/5:00PDT.

4:51 - Really? The national anthem for this? Well all right.

5:00 - We're about to get underway. Strap in for two hours of lousy bands, terrible jokes, lots of Chris Berman, and occasionally a "home run." Spoilers: They're not actually home runs.

5:01 - They couldn't even get a name terrible new-country act for this thing, which should tell you a lot. When you can't even get Trace Adkins to appear on national television, you don't matter.

5:02 - The Diamondbacks' bobcat mascot -- yes, you read that correctly -- is TERRIFYING. Imagine if a furry's fursona was a baseball-playing Chewbacca. Now make it a nightmare.

5:03 - Scott Rolen's kids cover their ears, thus speaking for America.

5:04 - Chris Berman is pandering to the live crowd for some reason. Everyone hates him. "Are you guys ready for some long ball?" Yes, Chris. We didn't come for the lousy country-rock concert. Post-NutriSystem Chris Berman is so weird looking. Like, he lost a lot of weight but stayed roughly the same proportions. If he took his clothes off he'd look like his skin was made out of insulation and Oreo filling.

5:09 - As Matt Holliday is introduced and completely ignores everyone, Prince Fielder explains to his kids why everyone is booing him. Arizona demonstrates why they are the butthole of the nation by booing all the National League home run contestants, just because Fielder didn't pick a Diamondback for the Derby. I get it, I guess. I mean, Fielder made some weird picks, but what are you going to do?

5:11 - Nomar Garciaparra is amazed at how many players are sweating. I for one am looking forward to steady mansweat updates all evening.

5:13 - John Kruk predicts that Robinson Cano will hit a baseball into the pool in right field. I predict John Kruk will eat at least six gorditas during this telecast.

5:15 - In 2011, Billy Ripken looks more like Cal Ripken than Cal Ripken does. Berman says "Everyone is on their feet, as they should be." Yo Berman, it ain't the queen, it's Cal Ripken.

5:16 - WHY IS THERE A CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH

5:17 - Why is any of this stuff happening? No one cares. why aren't they swinging bats right this second

5:19 - In case you tuned in for the Home Run Derby, ESPN is now showing highlight packages of players who are not actually participating in the Home Run Derby.

5:20 - I've watched the Home Run Derby pretty much every year, and I think it's time to start renaming it "Let's look at baseball players' kids Derby"

5:20 - OH HEY WE'RE STARTING

5:21 - Adrian Gonzalez is up first and grounds out weakly, then pops one up. WOOOOOOOO

5:21 - Our first home run, just fair down the right field line. Not a single "backbackback" from Berman. We haven't heard "back" one.

5:22 - Kruk was right, the second home run of the night goes in the pool, but off the bat of Gonzalez.

5:23 - I think Berman isn't doing his "backbackbackback" schtick because of the three-man booth, not because it is the worst feat of announcing in history. Four-man booth, counting Jose Bautista. Everyone talking all over each other. Just a mess.

5:25 - First "backbackback" despite hardly anyone paying attention to what is actually happening. This is reminding me of a late-1990s Monday Night Raw, where there's an awesome Intercontinental Title match but the commentators just won't shut up about what the Undertaker's going to do during his confrontation with Kane later.

5:28 - Berman reveals that the "gold balls" -- balls that, if hit for a home run, result in a donation to charity -- contain actual gold leaf. Reminds me of the David Cross bit about eating gold leaf while the gold miner loses his limbs on the other side of the world.

5:30 - My inaugural complimentary statement about the Home Run Derby: I like the spray chart being shown after the batter is done with their round.

5:31 - Matt Holliday takes "I don't give a shit about the Home Run Derby" to the next level by having his pitcher be catcher Yadier Molina.

5:34 - What I'd really like to see is how Matt Holliday does in a "Touch Home Plate Derby"

5:35 -Sometimes I really want to like Lance Berkman, but he has two huge strikes against him. One: he plays for the Cardinals. Two: He looks like a Harvey comics character featuring some sort of strongman baby. Baby Muscles, they'd call it.

5:36 - First commercial break. Rickie Weeks is up next. Hope he bunts.

5:43 - Robinson Cano is crushing everything. Actually pretty awesome. The punchable-faced Shane Victorino is joining the booth, which reminds me of this:

5:46 - David Ortiz's accent is absolutely the best. Highlight: pronouncing Mark Teixiera's name as "tech-sarah"

5:47 - There is a gangly teen in the outfield who is at least a foot taller than all the other kids. He keeps making awkward catches and then dancing around like he's an honorary Crazy Frog Brother.

5:49 - Just had a terrifying thought about how the Home Run Derby could be worse: if John Sterling were the "play-by-play" man instead of Berman. Ugh. "Cano! ...Canoodles this one into the right field bleachers! Oh, Robinson! Rockin' Robinson! Cano believe it? nnnnIt is high...nnnnIt is far...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnRobinson!"

5:52 - Cano's done, now here's Weeks. Two meek popups and a fly ball and the crowd is really giving it to him.

5:53 - I love Rickie Weeks, but was Tsuyoshi Shinjo busy or something

5:54 - They're talking to Fielder about being booed as Weeks goes to 7 outs and 1 home run. I hope Fielder hits a hundred bombs in every round and asks Arizona how his ass tastes in his victory speech.

5:55 - My friend texts me with the pun of the night, suggesting that "Rickie Weeks" is what Julian Assange's website is called in Japan.

5:57 - Weeks finishes up with three home runs and a bunch of boos. Wild guess: the people who are booing have wildly unhappy lives.

5:59 - Here's an MLB commercial featuring a half-assed, poorly-autotuned collection of Jose Bautista home run calls. This is followed by a commercial for the final season of "Rescue Me." Not sure which is more up its own ass.

6:01 - More sweat talk! Chris Berman: "This is the definition of a 'four-shirt broadcast.'" Other Chris Berman activities that require four shirts:

- A trip to Buffalo Wild Wings

- A pool party

- Eating Doritos while watching NCIS

6:03 - Jose Bautista makes a couple of outs while ESPN shows us a wide shot of the field and some yellow lines.

6:04 - Bautista pauses to drink Gatorade and get advice from Ortiz and Cano. Advise, in a Home Run Derby.

6:05 - I hope Bautista finishes behind Weeks.

6:06 - OH MAN he just might!

6:06 - Well, he passes Weeks but just barely. He finishes with four, second-least so far. Top four hitters advance to the next round.

6:08 - Kemp vs. Ortiz next round. These two guys plus Fielder should be the best part, but the Home Run Derby is nothing if not endlessly disappointing.

6:13 - The current leader is Adrian Gonzalez, with 9 home runs. Who else misses steroids? Hint: not Albert Pujols! He's still on 'em!

6:16 - Matt Kemp is putting on a Home Run Derby appearance reminiscent of Brandon Inge's in 2009. Even his small child is mocking him.

6:17 - People of Arizona: "BOOOOO! BOOOOO! How dare you select the man who is second in the league in home runs for this home run contest?! Don't you know that Wily Mo Pena has upwards of THREE home runs! BOOOOOO"

6:18 - With 9 outs, Kemp cranks out two in a row, then pops up and goes, "Gdyawwwwww." Well said, Matthew.

6:20 - With just Ortiz and Fielder left to go, the bottom three are Bautista, Weeks, and Kemp, with 4, 3, and 2 home runs, respectively. I can't imagine Ortiz and Fielder will hit less than any of those.

6:21 - Ortiz up now, Fielder to follow. Finally, the answer to the classic battle, "Meat-eating juicehead vs. vegan juicehead"

6:22 - Andrew McCutchen joins the booth. If you're not rooting for the Pirates this season, man I just don't know. Also, if you don't think, "No deal, McCutchen. That moon money's mine!" every time he's mentioned...I similarly just don't know.

6:23 - Chris Berman leaps to assumptions that McCutchen must have admired David Ortiz from afar for a long time.

6:24 - Shots of Prince Fielder in the batting cage while Ortiz is hitting. It is a mystery to me why these guys say the Derby wears you out.

6:26 - Ortiz is at 4 home runs with 1 out remaining. He's not safe just yet.

6:27 - If Bud Selig really wanted to be radical, the Home Run Derby would determine home field advantage in the World Series.

6:28 - Ortiz finishes with 5 home runs. If Fielder hits more than 5, Ortiz and Holliday would have a "bat-off"

6:30 - wait a minute: this doctor in the Certain Dri commercial appears to be prescribing this product to attractive but smelly women that he has designs on! That seems unethical at best.

6:32 - More rousing boos for Fielder. "Arizona" is Spanish for "sour grapes" I guess.

6:33 - Prince Fielder might go down as the greatest fat muscle-bound vegan cheater showboating slugger of all time. (I love the guy.)

6:34 - It would be pretty awesome if the Giants could find $140 million in their payroll for Fielder next year.

6:35 - Home runs are down 40% from last year, but shockingly, "BACKBACKBACK"s are down nearly 70%!

6:36 - When even Chris Berman sounds bored, it's time to pack it in, fellas.

6:37 - Commentators saying Fielder is "Not tall, big." Does he also have a great personality? #fatshaming #nothowhashtagswork

6:38 - Fielder finishes at five home runs as well. A three-way Ortiz/Fielder/Holliday bat-off? Time to cross an item off my slashfic bucket list!

6:39 - They're describing Fielder's swing as "controlled aggression." Waiting for them to drop "testicular fortitude," "rabid wolverine," or "cerebral assassin"

6:43 - David Ortiz hits four home runs on five swings. Holliday had two, so Fielder needs at least three. Come on you cocky cheater, let's get this one done.

6:45 - LOL at the shot of Matt Holliday trying so hard to look like he doesn't care. Fielder eliminates him to be the last remaining National League guy, which was probably his plan all along. Which makes him the smartest man in baseball.

6:46 - Fielder goes 5 for 5 in the swing-off, and it was AWESOME.

6:47 - The semifinals will be Fielder, Ortiz, Gonzalez, and Cano.

6:48 - Chris Berman compares Fielder to "the boys in the Alamo, tryin' to fight 'em off!" I guess he's not to familiar with the fact that the state of Arizona is trying their damnedest to "fight 'em off" as we speak! (They hate Mexicans, is my general point.)

6:53 - Yo if the camera is on you and you're wearing a team shirt or jersey, pinching it near the letters with both hands and flouncing it up and down is like the bro-est thing you can do. Nothing makes you look like more of an assheaded schmuck, especially if it is a Sox or Yankees shirt.

6:55 - As Ortiz hits a home run, Berman squeals, "you can tell time by THIS!" apropos of nothing. what

6:56 - Ortiz asks them to turn on some home run hitting music. He then asks Adrian Gonzalez to fix him "my special shake I told you about" which he then follows with forty-five seconds of exaggerated winking.

7:01 - Heath Bell is walking around with a humorously oversized bat, cracking everyone up. This is the funniest thing to happen in baseball since Roger McDowell's hate-fueled homophobic rant in San Francisco. That guy's such a jokester!

7:02 - I believe "Fettuccini Alfredo Griffin" is Berman's first unnecessary pun nickname. Over two hours into the telecast! Chris Berman v2.0: now with a modicum of restraint.

7:04 - Robinson Cano really is hitting baseballs a real long way.

7:05 - One of Fielder's kids is hitting baseballs off a tee in the batting cage. Got a better swing than half the Astros lineup. Obvious jokes!

7:10 - Cano just won't stop hitting these g-d home runs.

7:12 - Looks like we're sticking with the three-man booth for the rest of the way. Cano's round brought out a plethora of "BACKBACKBACK" so here we go. For those of you watching along: guess the next Berman nickname. I'm guessing the obvious "Yo Adrian" and perhaps "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Fielder."

7:25 - Berman suggests an Adrian Gonzalez blast is "on its way to Yuma." Spoken like someone who didn't read Jon Bois's writeup at SBNation today.

7:28 - Gonzalez and Cano are tied at 20 home runs, so Fielder has to hit at least 15 to advance. Not looking good.

7:33 - Matt Kemp refers to his "homies" and Buck Gomez fights the urge to "slap him five"

7:34 - Yep, Fielder choked. Finals will be Cano and Gonzalez. Even the Home Run Derby manages to end up with ESPN talking about Yankees vs. Red Sox.

7:39 - In case there wasn't enough filler, here's a recap of the round you just watched.

7:40 - So they use a cumulative total for the first two rounds, but start a new home run total for the finals? Sure, whatever. Still shuddering thinking about John Sterling calling this.

7:42 - Nomar audibly gives not even the tiniest shit about any of this at this point.

7:43 - Lots of people in the pool at this point. Kudos to ESPN cameramen/director for not leering at the ladies.

7:44 - At least Berman doesn't try to shoehorn in current events. "He crushed that one like a car at the Tour de France!" "That ball was belted so hard it split Sudan into two countries!" etc.

7:48 - John Kruk announces he could go for some pork rinds, to the shock of literally no one.

7:49 - Gonzalez wraps up his final round with 11 dingers. Here's hoping Cano wraps this one up quickly so we can move along to looking forward to tomorrow night's slightly-less-meaningless festivities.

7:51 - Berman keeps referring to Gonzalez as a "Red Sock," singular, which either means he doesn't understand sports or doesn't understand English. There's a pick'em for you.

7:54 - It is revealed that there are cacti on either side of the ESPN announce desk. The production team was unable to locate napping Mexicans with serapes and oversize mustaches. Well, they located some, but Sheriff Joe shot them on sight.

7:57 - Pepsi has placed the "vacation Santa" from their "Take that, Coke!" ad campaign in the pool area next to a giant PEPSI logo. At least ESPN has held back on "Zookeeper" tie-ins thus far.

7:58 - They're playing Katy Perry's "Firework" which is unironically one of the best pop songs of the last few years. That's the most exciting thing that has happened in the past 20 minutes.

8:00 - "This is on its way to Flagstaff!" I guess he did read that article, after all! Everyone here owes Jon Bois a Coke! I mean Pepsi!

8:01 - Cano is going to win this. Which I guess Yankees fans will boast about when they miss the playoffs this year and/or get eliminated in the ALDS.

8:03 - ESPN is really pushing that we're supposed to be touched by Robinson Cano's terrifying-looking father pitching to him.

8:04 - Cano wins it with 12 in the Finals. Just a reminder: people presumably paid for tickets to this.

8:05 - Thanks for tuning in, BF readers. This was a good reminder than home runs, when removed from context or import, are usually super boring. Sleep tight, kids. And regarding the All-Star Game tomorrow: Go, National League! (Brian Wilson will blow the save.)