62-55

AL Central Update: Everybody Is Still Bad

I honestly think the Tigers are going to run away with this thing, such as it is, and that's great. But I am rooting so hard for this division-wide negative run differential to hold, you have no idea. I can't even really explain it. 


KS

Athletics 10, Blue Jays 3: I think the bat-around third was our undoing; also SPYDOME

A lazy, dog-dangling afternoon.

I totally dig Brad Mills as the guy with literally no stuff (he does not throw appreciably harder than the batting cages at Atlantic Playland, for instance) who nevertheless gets people out at Triple A and so you've got to give him a chance with the big club. But dude got pounded yesterday. Here's what happened before Mills recorded an out in the third: BB, 2B, 2B, 1B, HBP, 3B, WP (oh, a run came in on the WP, yes indeed it did). He got the next three batters he faced, mercifully ending the bat-around third, but that was it for the day, and here's his line: 3 IP, 6ER, 2BB, 5K. How on earth did he strike out five? Weird, weird pitcher, man. 


Also, in case you have not been keeping up with SPYDOME -- in which case, shame on you, because this is the best story (arguably ever?) -- Jonah Keri (author of a recent sub-literate account of Tampa's almost rise to almost glory that we here have previously discussed) has put a lot of things together in one place here, including the heavy lifting done over at Steal of Home (great, great job, baseball internet), and Tom Tango's statistical breakdown that undermines or at least mitigates the impact of the statistical stuff in Amy Nelson's original piece (also, those of you who are taking this article and its fallout as an opportunity to show how little you think of women, guess what you guys are idiots and that is why girls don't like you much bro). Keri also points out, quite rightly, that "Cheating is awesome," which is a point that I think a lot of people are overlooking here. Keri showed up on the Jeff Blair show yesterday, too, and they had a pretty good conversation about all of this. Lots of good stuff coming out of J. P. Arencibia's Twitter the last few days, too, including "Just read the dumbest article on ESPN about us getting signs? I'm hitting 200 and we get signs at home, that makes sense? #clowns" and "Signs in the outfield were #pro today! Still didnt see them! Had to punch out with bases loaded for @blawrie13 to go Grandslam!" 


Finally, Spydome t-shirts are now on sale.

KS

61-55

So You've Decided to Be in Second Place: Giants Lose, 9-2

"Nope, I don't see any hits over here, either."

I'm pretty sure the final score was 9-2. I stopped watching. Why would I do that to myself? This is some Absolute Zero of a team right now, and it's not getting better. The bad news is that the Giants head to Miami and Atlanta to get their clocks cleaned on the road for a while before wrapping things up by losing a series to the Houston Spoilers.

It is important that this is a team that has been ravaged -- and that is the appropriate word, ravaged -- by injuries to key players, and other key players having absolutely catastrophic seasons. Bochy and Sabean are not to blame for what is going on. Well, not entirely, anyway. This is what the universe decided was a fitting repayment for last year's improbable World Series victory. And that's cool. I more or less resigned myself to the Giants missing the playoffs a couple of weeks ago. It's a shame, but it's really pretty admirable they have been able to do so much with so little thus far. This is a team that is dangerously close to fielding a tee as their fifth starter. They can get 15 hits in a game and score less than two runs. They can get three hits in a row with RISP and score none.

The fact that the Astros are giving the Diamondbacks fits indicates that, perhaps, the Diamondbacks are not the unstoppable juggernaut I imagined they were. They hit lots of home runs, and have a Justin Upton, but they're only marginally better than the Giants at this point. They can be caught, and overtaken. There are nearly two months left. But if the Giants miss it, it won't be the end of the world. Posey and Freddy will be back next season. Zito and Rowand will be closer to the end of their deals, if they're still around. Beltran and Ross will likely be gone, which opens up a potential spot for Belt. There's a chance the Giants will acquire an actual shortstop. Given their track record, I'd bet on Jimmy Rollins. Things look a lot better in 2012.

My hope is that things start looking better in 2011. It's hard to imagine things looking worse.

Blue Jays 8, Athletics 4: Brett Lawrie's Grand Slam Was Arguably the Coolest Part of This

lol

Through five-and-a-half innings, it looked like the Blue Jays were going waste a perfectly fine debut by twenty-one-year-old Henderson Alvarez. Fortunately for all concerned, Brett Lawrie (also 21) launched a grand slam over the left field wall in the home half of the sixth. There was, as you might expect, much rejoicing, and Lawrie was all fired up in the mookiest of mook ways in the dugout, but you can't really be like "act like you've done this before" when he has literally never done this before, right? Curtain call and everything, man, it was a scene. Later, the benches cleared when Jordan Norberto threw at Yunel Escobar, and while nothing else came of it, it was just like, baseball is awesome.

KS

61-54

Giants Manage Not to Mess the Bed, Win 6-0

Chris Stewart has been playing professional baseball for ten years. He's a plus-defense catcher with a great, if not entirely accurate, arm. He seems like the nicest dude in the world, and although he's not the offensive threat that Eli Whiteside is (note: Eli Whiteside can hardly be considered an "offensive threat" by any stretch), he doesn't fill you with cold terror every time Tim Lincecum throws a breaking ball in the dirt. This is important. Tim Lincecum is famously particular about his catchers, and the fact that he usually wants to throw to Stewart above Whiteside should tell you a lot.

The Whiteside/Stewart platoon that has been foisted upon us from that fateful day that Buster Posey's ankle flew to smithereens has been tough to watch on the best of days, but Eli Whiteside's bunny-hopping in front of Shane Victorino last week finally made the city of San Francisco chuckle to themselves and say, "Hey, maybe Whitey's okay after all." (Note: Eli Whiteside's nickname is actually "Whitey" because why not.)

It helps that he also made a sweet tackle.

And it also helps that he made a sweet catch on a foul bunt.

And yes, Eli Whiteside even hit a home run in that horrible losing effort that firmly entrenched the Phillies as loathsome arch-fiends in the mind of every Giants fan from now until forever. That has long been the dividing line between Whiteside and Stewart: Eli Whiteside hits home runs a few times a year. Chris Stewart has never hit a major-league home run.

Until last night. Chris Stewart took a first pitch over the left-field wall for his first career home run, and man alive was it a great moment. The grin on his face when he was greeted on the top step by Guillermo "Two Career Home Runs" Mota was possibly my favorite moment of the year. I'm really happy for the guy. Moreso than I'm happy the Giants were able to give Madison Bumgarner a dominating win when they all needed one most. Stay alive, bats. Please, please stay alive.

Lots of stories here. Huff possibly beginning to bounce back. Sergio Romo continuing his dominance. Madison Bumgarner doing historically fantastic things that no freshly-turned-22-year-old has any right doing. But I'm sticking with the Tale of Two Catchers (But Most Importantly the Catcher I Like Best).

So here's to you, Chris Stewart. Here's to your fist-pumping after big strikeouts. Here's to your amazingly fast unloads that sometimes result in fantastic plays. Here's to you being the best sac bunter the Giants have. But here's to you hitting a home run for a major league baseball team, which is forever at #1 on my "Best Feats You Could Accomplish in Life" list.

ESPN: THE MAGAZINE is pretty sure the Blue Jays are stealing signs

Can you spot "a man dressed in white"?

Here's the story:


The enraged player and his teammates could hardly believe what they had seen in the previous inning. As they sat on the perch above the right-field bullpen at Rogers, they caught sight of a man dressed in white about 25 yards to their right, out among the blue center-field seats. And while the players watched, the man in white seemingly signaled the pitches the visiting pitcher was throwing against the Jays, according to four sources in the bullpen that day.


If so, good. 


KS


UPDATE: Keith Law and Eric Karabell talked about this on the Baseball Today podcast, and they both totally buy it, by the sounds of things. They mention that Cito was known for stealing signs, which we all knew, I think, and Law tells a story about a time my favourite baseball player Carlos Delgado figured out that Pedro Martinez was tipping his pitches, and he just sat on the bench calling out "change up" and whatnot, and they lit him up. Law doesn't mention this, but I like to think the story ends like this:

Athletics 4, Blue Jays 1: So Rich Harden Finally Has A Win Over the Blue Jays

Hideki Matsui, stretching for the amusement of his giant photographer master

We might someday get to the point where we as Canadians aren't like OMG HE IS CANADIAN re: literally every Canadian ballplayer ever, but we're not quite there yet. That Rich Harden is from BC is apparently still a thing that needs to be made much of whenever he pitches in Toronto, apparently, because, you know, Victoria and Toronto, man, they have everything in common so it makes sense. The excitement over Harden's citizenship was lessened somewhat this time around because of the hysteria surrounding Brett Lawrie's, which is not really a step in the right direction. I am not at all looking to do a whole thing about this, but there is a certain kind of Blue Jays fan -- the kind that calls in to Jays Talk, for instance, which I have made the mistake of listening to twice in the last couple of weeks, and really, that's a shame-on-me kind of situation, but you seriously would not believe this stuff (". . . so I was watchin' the game on the toooooob or whatever, right, and I nooooooticed thaaaat . . .") -- to whom Which Guys Are Canadian is seriously a big deal and I can't help but think populist hero/xenophobe Don Cherry is at least partially responsible for this nonsense. You would think it was innocent, but it isn't.


Anyway, last night's game: there was a tidiness to it, I will say that for it. Pretty well pitched on both sides, with pretty much all the runs coming off of home runs: E5's solo shot in the second, Willingham's two run homer in the sixth ("Willingham" is currently my favourite name that contains  "-ham"), and Kurt Suzuki's in the seventh. With only six hits on either side, this one really  hummed along, although I must admit that I did not stick to it through the end. After the Blue Jays put runners on the corners with nobody out in the seventh and couldn't get the ball out of the infield, I decided to pursue other interests for the remainder of the evening, because there is enough suffering in the world already.


KS

Wartorn Mets Come Back Against Hapless Pads for Second Night in a Row, Win 5-4

Way to go, Mets!  Keep beating bad teams!  Entertaining games ahoyyyyy

My Inevitable The Ultimate Harper Jersey

I am perusing Chinese bootleg jersey sites at work today, fantasizing of not having more financial responsibilities than financial income, and pretending what I would pimp the fuck out of on hot Friday nights in back yards throughout south central Virginia, playing dice on picnic tables with people who are better known by assumed names than given names. (Note I did not say "real names" because the name you are known as is as real as it gets.)
I just had to get a fucking minivan for my family as our stupid fucking Subaru finally died and we've had like 19 more children since we bought that, so I can tell you with complete factual proof that my credit rating is in the very top of the bottom third of all people. It is enough to get by with until our entire western economy collapses in on itself as the smoke and mirror false wealth system that it actually is. Which is fine.
I was actually contemplating that yesterday while leisurely tossing scratch to my chicken flock in the back yard (seriously... I was), and it made me sad that MLB owners clique is such an uptight group of assholes that they won't allow crazyboy Mark Cuban own the Cubs, because he'll outspend everybody but the Red Sox and Yankees. What with the impending collapse of normal economic systems we've come to enjoy in our lives, I think now more than ever it would behoove baseball to allow Mark Cuban into their stupid fucking fraternity, and in fact encourage more like him, as the world shifts. Because in ten years, when America is full of fat, helpless slaves who are being victimized by the more animalistic who have been caged in inner-city breeding grounds of violence for generations, where will baseball go? Mexican drug lords are a good idea. Mafia influences, from traditional Italian as well as more modern Russian mafias are probably good bets to keep teams based in the northeast. These are all important things to consider, and imagine what a wonderful game it would be if it was owned by outright admitted criminals who are only too glad to have achieved a level of success in life that they can leisurely watch sports teams they have accumulated like trophies compete on the field of brown diamonds? It's far better than fuckheads like that McCourt dude and whatever newspaper owned the Cubs and just the general uptight asses who own things as it stands now, at least as far as I can tell.
That being said, I did not come here to talk about the collapse of America, and how America's past time will actually become more awesome upon that collapse. I came to talk about the most awesome jersey that does not exist that I may have my wife sew for me, because she knows how to do such things, just so I can look like the most etsy'd out sports jackass there ever was, and some douchebag with an inflated sense of the sanctity of dumb shit will cry "JERSEY FOUL! JERSEY FOUL!" at me indignantly.
You see, the bootleg Chinaman site I was looking at while wasting another work day of my life had none of the new blue Washington Nationals in The Ultimate Harper's number, which I find ridiculous. The blue uniforms themselves are not quite regulation I guess, and the initial style with the D.C. logo that has stars and shit on it has gradually been replaced by that ugly and stupid curly W that I guess hearkens back to yore old days of the Washington Senators boring the fuck out of a previous generation, probably at RFK Stadium I would imagine, but maybe something even older and more forgotten that is only seen on those weird postcards that look kinda like day-glo colors from the 1950s. You know what I mean; they are in every antique store ever, like two for a dollar.
The Nats uniforms have always been a boring comedown from the swank powder blue Expos joints with the bulbous M, but you know what? If you flesh that stupid curly W out into bubble letters, it looks sort of like that bulbous M, just upside down. So what I'm saying is take that old powder blue Expos style, flip the M over into a W, same red, white, and blue colors, throw it on with the #34 HARPER on the back, and what I have then my friend is straight motherfuckin' style. And I don't tell you this because I'm a huge Nationals fan... I sort of took them on by default because I had always rooted for the Giants since that was the name of my first little league team and I naively thought as an 8-year-old centerfielder that if I said my prayers and ate my vitamins and hulked up just right, one day I could be playing right alongside Johnnie LeMaster and Atlee Hammaker and Duane Kuiper and the like. But the Barry Bonds years really sapped me of giving a shit about the Giants, so when the Expos moved to D.C., I said to myself, "Self, this is a baseball team near where you live, so you can indulge in reading the daily newspaper prints about these guys and involve yourself like any literate nerd ass motherfucker, and emotionally tie yourself to a goddamned sports team you have no say over and no control over and no real reason to attach to yourself, other than to chew up that emotional space inside that otherwise is going to be empty and make you start looking for double penetrations of hirsute punjab chicks on youporn or something." So that's what I did.
It is more a matter of convenience that The Ultimate Harper is so ultimate. Strasburg seems kinda like a tool, very introverted and self-obsessed, pretty much the makings of another Roger Clemens if he can somehow not destroy his arm in four years, and I say that more on the douche-y psychological level not like he's the next 200 game winner MLB will ever see. Bryce Harper is just a stupid fucking kid who is really good. Any team's fringe fans who enjoy painkillers for leisure and having sex with ugly women so long as their breasts are big but real would feel the same as me. Which is why I don't understand how there cannot be a blue alternative Bryce Harper jersey available. But at the same time, it may drive me to create my own fake Expos/Nats alternate universe jersey.

David Wright Against the Padres - A Study

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Good Heavens - Mets 9, Padres 8

Nobody's pinching his legs!

Mark it down.  Any day that the Mets put Jose Reyes on the disabled list, Lucas Duda will get a big hit.  It is known.  He did it against Mariano Rivera to set up the Mets comeback against the Yanks back in July, and he hit the two-run winner last night against one of the better closers in the league in Heath Bell.  

The Mets are clearly not going to be playing October baseball, but they've displayed an  admirable resilience this season by playing some of their most inspiring baseball in the aftermath of awful news. Their best win of the year came the day after Reyes' MVP bid was derailed by his first hamstring injury of the year, they put together a five-game win streak in the midst of the Beltran trade, and on Monday, the day they put Reyes on the DL for the second time in about a month, and genuine nice guy Daniel Murphy (and his .320 batting average) was lost for the year, they came out red hot, hitting three homers in the first three innings, (Jason Bay doin' things) before giving up the lead and more, going from a 4-1 advantage to trailing 8-4. 

We've been waiting all year for the final gasps, the point when we can clearly say  "Yeah, THIS injury was too much," or "Man, that loss REALLY hurt," and that might have happened tonight if they didn't rally.  In the short term, it means nothing, the Mets still blew their shot to get back into the Wild Card race this past weekend, but the next two months are going to be fascinating as we see who carves out a spot for themselves next year, hopefully with some more thrillers like this one.  

Finally, getting back to Murphy, I feel just horrible for him as all he wants to do is hit.  Blocked at his two most comfortable positions (first and third), the organization experimented by putting him in left, which was just a mess, before sending him down last season to learn second base.  Murphy never balked, just doing whatever he could to get back in the starting lineup, and had his 2010 season cut short while he covered a dirty slide and tore his ACL.  Fast forward a year later, and he's healthy, showing what he can do in the lineup, and it happens again.  

Called It: Pirates Embarrass Giants, 5-0

Dominating victory by whoever these guys here are.

Really embarrassing to be a Giants fan these days. Couldn't even watch the whole thing. The beginning of the end, certainly.

61-53

Giants Don't Get Swept, Win 3-1

A roving band of Philadelphia thugs assaults a hapless pedestrian.

The good news is the Giants are getting plenty of hits. More than enough hits. The bad news is that none of these hits are coming with men in scoring position, or, in yesterday's case, the hits with runners in scoring position aren't actually scoring runs. The Giants should think about not calling second base "scoring position." From now on, "scoring position" should just be "when a Giants runner touches home plate directly, without first being tagged out." That's a little weighty, but far more accurate.

So the Giants, despite losing like twelve of their last ten, never left first place. The Pirates are coming to town toting a massive, massive losing streak and their pitchers have given up about twelve billion runs in the past ten games. Nothing's better for snapping a losing streak than playing the Giants, and nothing's better for pitchers with ERAs over 5.00 than facing some Giants bats. The Giants are the equal-opportunity defending World Champs. "Say, we feel just awful about your luck, fellas. We'll swing at first pitches the whole night, what say?"

Prediction: Giants take one of three, get two-hit in one of the games and shut out in another.

Orioles 6, Blue Jays 2 and Blue Jays 7, Orioles 2: Not Quite What I Had In Mind But Fine

:

Camden Yards: still somewhat OK

I have no problem with Yunel Escobar -- shortstops with .820 OPS are fine by me -- but he managed to pretty much single-handedly undue an excellent start by Brandon Morrow when he booted a potential double-play ball in the sixth inning Saturday night. But that's baseball. And yesterday was also baseball, you will be pleased to know! Ricky Romero allowed only two runs in his eight efficient innings of work, picking up his tenth win and lowering his ERA to 2.94, if I may cite two stats we don't pay nearly as much attention to as we used to but to which we still cling when they make dudes we like sound awesome. The Blue Jays hit a whack of doubles, E5 is streaking, and Brett Lawrie hit the first home run of his major league career. That is all really agreeable stuff to me. After an off day Monday, Oakland comes to town for three, and then it's the Angels, which, with the Blue Jays only 4.5 games behind Los Angeles for the playoff spot that will probably exist next year but which totally doesn't this year, doesn't actually matter more or less anything else. Except that I will enjoy those games extra because it is the Angels and Vernon will be back! Kind of a rough year for him, what with the .629 OPS and the negative WAR. Did you know he is owed $86 million over the next four years, and the Blue Jays are only on the hook for $5 million? Is that something you have heard about previously? Good for Vernon; good for the Blue Jays; Angels you guys are crazy man I love it.


KS

The Goofiest NL Champions

Prototypical Baseball Player

My Grandma Weiland (my Dad's mother) died last week. She was my last remaining grandparent, (even though I was lucky enough to have bonus grandparents from my Dad's second marriage) and up until 2000, she probably didn't know what a baseball was.  

When it came to America's pastime, my mother's mom, Grandma Kummler, was the authority.  She is one of the major culprits for my being a Mets fan, and I watched many games on her plastic-covered couch, sipping on Canada Dry ginger ale and devouring Keebler Magic Middles while Tim McCarver and Fran Healy's play-by-play boomed through the speakers, probably audible three houses down the block.  (She was extremely hard of hearing.)  However, Grandma K. passed away shortly before the 2000 season, and I lost my baseball fan mentor.

Despite losing one of their most fervent fans (or as I liked to think, because of her Angels in the Outfield-like intervention) the Mets won the Wild Card for the second straight season, and thus began one of the goofiest and glorious postseasons I've ever seen. The start of the playoffs coincided with my parents' choir trip to Europe, and so my Grandma Weiland came to stay with me.  I'm not sure if she expected to be watching baseball for two weeks, but damned if she didn't  watch some of the most entertaining games the Mets have ever played.  


Timo Perez took his first steps toward conquering the world.  Quadruple-A All-Stars Benny Agbayani and Jay Payton each played huge roles. John Franco was able to strike out Barry Bonds twice in heart-stopping fashion during the NLDS (one strikeout nailed down the Game 2 win).  Agbayani cemented his cult-hero status in New York.  Bobby Jones pitched a one-hitter to clinch the NLDS winner, for some reason.  In the NLCS, the Mets broke Rick Ankiel's brain.  The Mets blew a lead, and were able to bounce back.  Mike Piazza let the Monster out of the cage.  Mike Hampton, a few months away from bolting for the fine public school system in Colorado, pitched the game of his life, a three-hitting in Game 5, to clinch the World Series appearance.  


Grandma Weiland and I watched every game on the road to the World Series together.  At first, she seemed to be placating me, but as the postseason went on, she began to actually look forward to the games, and would get surly when I informed her that it was an off day.  She loved Agbayani most, and who wouldn't.  It's hard not to root for chubby guys who play pivotal roles in crucial games. Timo Perez had just been called up for the first time on September 1, and he perfectly timed his 15 minutes of fame, fueling the Mets so much that FOX made a useless infographic for him during the NLCS, detailing his every step to the Major Leagues.  (He took a PLANE from JAPAN, can you believe this WIZARDRY)


Shortly after the Mets took Game 5 of the NLCS, my parents returned from Europe, and Grandma returned to her home in the Poconos, and, I assumed, her baseball-free routine.  As I watched Todd Zeile's home run double bounce off the top of the fence, and Timo Perez lollygag around the bases to get tagged out at home and Armando Benitez blow the lead in the ninth in Game 1, and Roger Clemens be a colossal prick in Game 2, I stewed.  During this improbable postseason run, Grandma had become an ally, sensing when it was appropriate to yell at an umpire, or cheer for a clutch hit.  Now I had nobody to vent to.  


Shortly after the Game 2 loss, she gave me a call.  "What was Clemens doing?  I'd like to punch him right in the face!" she said.  


I smiled.  My work was done.  


_________________________________________________________________________


I assumed the season was over a few weeks ago, so I don't think I need to comment on the Final Destination-like scenario that led to Jose Reyes' (probably) second stint on the DL this season, and Daniel Murphy's season-ending MCL tear trying to play second base (second in two years). This weekend was doom and gloom from the start, with the confirmation that Ike Davis is out until 2012 and Johan Santana will be shelved again.  Oh, if you feel like doing a little bit of legwork, Lucas Duda made about the worst diving attempt on a fly ball to right that I've ever seen on Saturday.  Video has to be out there somewhere, and it would make a great addition to Jon Bois' amazing compilation of July's baseball blunders (with the minor inconvenience of it occurring in August).  It happened in the top of the fifth, on Alex Gonzalez's double into the gap.  Godspeed.  


Baseballlllllllllll.

the Ultimate Harper being the Ultimate Harper

inside the park home run (aka double with shitty outfielders on the other team) from sketchy camera phone viewpoints, where Harper blazes around the bases and ends up sliding head first without a helmet into home and breaking his belt on the play...

The Ultimate Harper is the new Charlie Hustle

Also, Strasburg rehabbed the fuck out of dudes yesterday, striking out half the chump ass A batters he faced, and hitting mid-90s on his fastball. COME ON 2013!

61-52

Artist's rendering of the birth of Justin Verlander

this is an awesome thing

Donruss Diamond Kings, the complete collection

Matt Cain Has the Gall to Allow One Earned Run, Giants Lose 2-1

Doesn't know how to win.

The Giants get more hits than the Phillies and can only score one single measly, lousy, piddling run. They're just the absolute worst and they're never going to snap this slump. I can't imagine this team beginning to play anything even remotely resembling "good baseball," even heading out to take on the Double-A Houston Astros soon. They don't deserve to make the playoffs unless they turn this ship around post haste.

Getting pretty sick of this team, and so are the fans at AT&T. So much sparkling pitching going to waste on a daily basis. So much ineptitude on the field and in the front office. The defending World Champions are looking much more like the defending Butt Champions by the day.

All Hell Breaks Loose, Giants Lose 9-2

Yeah yeah, Shane. Grind bones, make bread...whatever.

When the season started, I genuinely liked the Phillies, with the exception of twin goblins Shane Victorino and Raul Ibanez. I despised the vast majority of Philadelphia's insufferable fanbase, but I liked the Phillies just fine. I rankled a bit at their building The Most Infallible and Perfect Baseball Rotation in the History of Everything Ever, with nary a Barry Zito in their midst. But still I didn't really wish them any ill.

After the Giants went to Philadelphia, after the Phillies added Hunter Pence, and after the first two games of this series, I hate the Phillies' guts. I hate every last one of them. Their elevated sense of entitlement and self-importance is seldom seen outside of a Yankees uniform. They are bullies, crybabies, and smuglords all at once. They're going to steamroll their way to a pennant and they're going to smug themselves all the way to the bank.

And why not? Why shouldn't they? If the Phillies were the Giants, I'd be smugging it up right along with them. But I can still hate them, and hate them royally. I still hope they walk all over the Diamondbacks next week, but I also hope they burn in hell. In the absence of a good and non-bankrupt Dodgers team to throw ire behind, the Unbeatable Phillies will do just nicely for the heaping of scorn.

By the way, the Giants won't make the playoffs unless they can score more than two runs per game. Spoilers: they won't begin doing that any time soon. I am already beginning to entertain thoughts of "next year."

60-52

Blue Jays 5, Orioles 4: Let's hear it for the new guys

No pressure.

The long-awaited debut of Brett Lawrie went about like you'd have expected/hoped/expectahoped: he looks perfectly comfortable at the plate (2-4, RBI), and not so hot at the ol' hot corner. But hey: if he hits like it is expectahoped he will hit, it's totally fine for him to be a little awkward in the field. The Toronto standards for glovework at third base are not, like, unworkably high. Anyway, good show, Brett Lawrie! Colby Rasmus went an eerily similar 2-4 with an RBI, which was also totally helpful, and starter Brad Mills, who seriously has some of the worst stuff you will ever, ever see in the major leagues (fastball at 85 MPH, and he leaves it up), somehow continues to get people out (note that it has only been two starts, but still, I amazed at this). Jon Rauch was awful again, and did his best to blow another one, but managed to rein it in after only one run on two hits in what I'm sure was a really, really difficult single inning of work because it was the ninth inning and only proven closers with ice water flowing through their veins and a hard-nosed closer mentality can get through a ninth inning at all.


Also, I am pleased to see that Tommy Hunter has found work with the O's, as he shares his name with Canada's Country Gentleman. 


Finally, here is Yunel Escobar jumping over pop music critic Simon Reynolds, who is sliding in hard to break up the double play:

Escobar disagrees with the premise of "Retromania: Pop Culture's Addiction to it's Own Past," but he liked "Energy Flash" so much that he's willing to entertain Reynolds' argument, wherever it may lead.

KS

59-52

Rays 7, Blue Jays 6 (F/12): Jon Rauch Blows

Curse you, Robinson Chirinos.

So, OK, Brett Cecil couldn't quite hold onto the early 2-0 to which he was staked yesterday, and that is hard to get upset about, because who among us has not, will not, or would not allow a three-run home run to Evan Longoria? Few, I would argue. Jose Bautista tied it up in the eighth with his MLB-leading 33rd home run of the year, and had me thinking good thoughts as we headed into extras, but the tenth was kind of appalling: J. P. Arencibia walked, bless him, and Rajai Davis was brought on as a pinch runner, only to be picked off after he had safely made his way back to the bag on a pick-off attempt. How is that possible? He went back too far.  This wasn't Kent Hrbek wrestling a dude off the bag; this was a guy who just kind of stumbled off the base. Play-by-play man Alan Ashby's earthly body was transmuted into a living sigh as he recounted this incredible, saddening feat. That the Blue Jays still managed to push the go-ahead run across on an Escobar walk and a Rasmus double gave me hope, but, as is so often the case, hope proved to be both wrong and dumb.


Jon Rauch wasted absolutely no time blowing it in the bottom half of the inning. His second pitch to Desmond Jennings landed in the seats in left, and I should have just turned the game off. But instead I was there for Jose Molina's stand-up triple in the eleventh that plated both E5 and Travis Snider (if you're wondering how Travis Snider could have possibly reached base, it was on a fielder's choice). How improbable is that? A two-RBI triple -- a stand-up two-RBI triple -- from not just a catcher, not just a fat catcher, but a notoriously fat catcher. But that still wasn't enough, because there's Jon Rauch running back out there in the twelfth, getting ready to blow the whole damn thing again. Ashby, still audibly shaken from what had happened an inning before, was like, "Jon Rauch . . . Jon Rauch might blow this thing twice." And then he totally did. I know Shawn Camp got tagged with the second blown save of the day, and also the loss, but morally, if not statistically, Jon Rauch blew that game twice. That is absolutely what happened. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, least of all Jon Rauch. 


NEWS AND NOTES OTHER THAN THAT I DON'T WANT JON RAUCH TO EVER PITCH AGAIN FOR THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION TO THIS MOST PRESSING MATTERS YOURS KS:


Brett Lawrie has finally been called up, which means Jose Bautista is back to right field, which means there too many outfielders up, except no it doesn't, because Travis Snider got himself demoted. Alex Anthopolous was on the radio after the game yesterday, and he explained that this isn't the kind of demotion where they're like, Travis Snider needs to go down and get his head straight, or Travis Snider needs to go down and work on the following things in regards to his swing or his approach; this is instead the kind of demotion where he's just not playing well enough to stick, and in fact has been outplayed by Eric Thames, who is quite rightly staying up. Snider is still young enough that it would be misguided to abandon all hope, or to decide, as the loathsome Gregg Zaun already has, that Snider is a AAAA player, but is sure not a guy I want to see playing in Toronto right now, and that is saying something, because my standards are honestly not that high in that regard.


ALSO: Alex Rios is totally at it again. Read all about it at Fangraphs/Notgraphs: "Awful Alex Rios is Awful in So Many Ways" . On yesterday's Baseball Today Podcast, Eric Karabell said he was stunned that Alex Rios didn't hustle after a ball he misplayed in the most egregious possible way, and Keith Law, without elaborating at all and with no venom in his voice, said, "I'm not." And it was devastating. Fun fact: J. P. Ricciardi signed this guy to an incredibly lucrative long-term deal and the White Sox were literally the only team dumb enough to take it on. After this season, the White Sox are on the hook for another $38 million to a player who this year has been worth -1.8 Wins Above Replacement. That is wild stuff. 


KS

Giants Throw Three Bad Pitches, Lose 3-0

Oh yeah, dude. We're all REAL impressed.

On the surface, there are tons of things to be frustrated about: the Giants not being able to muster a single run against a Cliff Lee that really wasn't impressive last night, the fact that they didn't even get him over 100 pitches until the bottom of the ninth, Aaron Rowand and Cody Ross and everyone else in the lineup seeing the umpire calling inside pitches strikes ALL NIGHT, and still letting themselves get rung up on those pitches again and again and again, the Giants activating Mark DeRosa and sending Brandon Belt to Fresno AGAIN, and blah blah blah.

But you know what?

Madison Bumgarner shut down the Phillies' second-best lineup for six dominating innings after leaving two pitches up in the second and giving up two solo home runs. Santiago Casilla gave up his first run in a month. Hunter "Sure, This Lineup Scores 20 Runs a Game...But What if We Scored Twenty-Five?" Pence drove in two of the three runs. The Phillies looked touchable, but the Giants once again let their offense beat them. Three runs? Hey pal, we're not miracle workers.

It also helps that the Diamondbacks had the day off, meaning the Giants are still technically in first place.

Jonathan Sanchez returns today, meaning tonight's game is the true wild card. Will he pitch another no-hitter? Will he walk 12 in 4.2 innings? No one knows! (It's the second one.) With Cain and Lincecum pitching on Saturday and Sunday, a split is possible. A sweep is more likely. Bring on second place. We might overcome.

Rays 9, Blue Jays 1: A Proper Shellacking

"Be cool, but these guys are going to rip the shit out of everything you throw."

Yeah, this was ungreat. The one thing I am feeling good about here, though, is yet another home run from catcher J. P. Arencibia, who is streaking.


KS

59-51

Tony LaRussa is a Terrible Person

Tony LaRussa signals for the rarely-used "double beanball."

In addition to my beloved Giants, I have been paying close attention to the NL Central race this season. The Reds, favorites to repeat as division champs, have fallen by the wayside, leaving a three-horse race between the lovable Milwaukee Brewers, the scandalous St. Louis "Yankees of the West" Cardinals, and the surprising feel-good story that is the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Although it does not seem as though the Pirates will truly be able to hang in this race, it has become vitally important that Tony "I Have Shingles" LaRussa's Redbirds do not advance to the playoffs. If it can't be the Pirates, I would love for it to be the Brewers that knocks them off their "perch" as it were. (birds) The Brewers and Cardinals went head to head over the past three days in a series that looks to have huge playoff ramifications.

Craig Calcaterra over at Hardball Talk has been breaking down the LaRussa news from the series extremely well, but I'd like to add my two cents on the matter.

To recap: last night's game went to extra innings. At one point, Pujols was up with two on and one out, and he leads the league in hitting into double plays. The Brewers pitcher accidentally plunked him, and LaRussa thought it was intentional. To "retaliate" he had his pitcher plunk Ryan Bruan to lead off the next inning. At a different point, Cards catcher Yadier Molina was called out on a close pitch and charged at the umpire, bumping him and covering him in spittle as he screamed at him in a display that would make any number of Alomars blush. At yet another point, Brewers fans were heckling LaRussa and one of them repeatedly yelled "I hope you get shingles again," which is hilarious but Tony felt it was over the line. As a show of gamesmanship, after the Cardinals won the extra-innings affair, LaRussa took the time to yell at and insult the fans behind the Cardinals dugout. What a leader!

Tony LaRussa has been labeled a "genius" by most baseball journalists. He's a "genius" in the sense that Phil Jackson is a "genius," which is to say that he's been fortunate enough to be the manager of teams with deep pockets, an embarrassment of talent, and well-stocked medicine cabinets. He piloted the juiced-to-the-gills Canseco/McGwire A's to three World Series in a row (and one title), then jumped to St. Louis, where the even-more-juiced McGwire revitalized baseball by having enormous forearms. He hung around until the Cardinals brought in a gigantic crop of mashers, and let the do-you-seriously-believe-he-isn't-on-the-gas Albert Pujols lead them to another couple World Series and another title.*

I'm not saying just anyone can have a pitcher bat in the eight-hole and let their chemical freaks pound on small-market teams, but LaRussa has a particular knack for it. He also has a knack for looking like a sore loser and taking himself too seriously at all times, even during victories.

Compounding the LaRussa problem is the fact that St. Louis fans have a reputati0n as being "the best fans in baseball" and have really let it go to their heads. Since about 2005, the Cardinals have slowly become the least likable team in baseball this side of the Yankess (and/or, depending on which side your bread is buttered, the Red Sox or Phillies). Even the contemptible Braves have a handful of people that are fun or worthy of rooting for. The Cardinals win with such a false veneer of "heh, had it all the way" that should only ever be present in the Bronx, and whine and cry whenever anything should dare not go their way. They even ran Colby Rasmus out of town on a rail when he (and his dad, to be fair) took umbrage with LaRussa or Cards brass, depending on which story your listening to.

But enough of me and my sour grapes. If the Diamondbacks sent a message in their "statement series" against the Giants, the Brewers unfurled a banner reading "HOW MY ASS TASTE" in twenty-foot-high letters and hoisted it above Miller Field this weekend. They lost a close game two, but came out swinging today, with Casey McGehee knocking three dingers and sent the Cards home in a huff. It was really, really awesome.

Lest I fail to mention it: not only did St. Louis send Rasmus packing before the trade deadline, but their big pickup was the .191-batting Rafael Furcal. That'll put butts in seats. You don't win titles with Furcals, QED.

* For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with PEDs, and I don't think they should be illegal, and I certainly don't think any athlete should be vilified for using them. If you think there's any professional athlete out there who isn't using SOMETHING, you're nuts. The only thing that rankles me is that Pujols has this squeaky-clean rep and is supposedly universally beloved, but the dude strikes me as twice the asshole Bonds ever was. Anyway, juice away, dudes. Chicks love the longball.

Diamondbacks Can't Handle First Place, Giants Win 8-1

So...dreamy....

The Giants did their best impression of a passable major-league offense today, snapping a five-game losing streak, wrenching sole possession of first place from the Diamondbacks, and placing Ryan Vogelsong once again atop the ERA leader board.

The Giants trotted out what seemed like a fairly laughable offense today, including Orlando Cabrera batting fifth behind Carlos Beltran. But hey! It all worked out just fine, as the Giants exploded against notable "Giant-killers" and new Diamondbacks acquisitions Jason Marquis and Brad "Dolph" Ziegler. Cabrera had three RsBI today! Three!

So yeah: feels good, man. I'm not convinced the Giants didn't use up two weeks' worth of runs, and I certainly don't think the Giants turned any sort of corner. And with the Phillies coming in for four games, so it's definitely still panic time. Especially since the Diamondbacks have an off day, then host the Dodgers, Astros, and Mets.

PLAYOFF FEVER HAS BEEN CAUGHT

Blue Jays 3, Rays 1: Oh Hell Yes

Note the blue stitching on the glove that reads "Romero" and which is entirely correct

Verlander vs. Weaver is a hard act to follow, but Ricky Romero against David Price had the potential to be such a battle of such lefties, of such lefties, that I must admit that I went into this one especially excited. Also exciting: the Blue Jays entered the series only a game-and-a-half behind the Rays for third in the AL East, and while both teams are so far back of the Yankees and Red Sox that that shouldn't matter at all, and in fact does not matter at all, it is still totally matterful to me, in that: the greatest indignity of the J. P. Ricciaridi era was when, after years of being told the Blue Jays just couldn't compete with the Red Sox and Yankees because Toronto was a small market (despite being the seventh largest city in North America, with broad support across a nation of more than thirty million people, arguably the richest owners in all of baseball, and a league-leading payroll less than a decade before Ricciardi took the reigns), Tampa Bay came out of nowhere and totally blew the doors off of everybody in the AL East, and that sucked. A lot. Good for the Rays, by all means: they are crafty and clever and neat, and despite how awful Jonah Keri's book about them was, they are a pretty interesting organization, one that should probably move because they play in a pit and nobody likes them, but whatever(s). My problem is not with the Rays; my problem is with being worse than the Rays, because that is inexcusable and unacceptable in every way. The Toronto Blue Jays should be better than the Tampa Bay Rays every single year. And maybe this year they are? They've still got a ton of games head-to-head, and that's probably what will decide where these two also-ran teams fall out relative to one another, but right now, anyway, we're closing in! 


Anyway, last night's game was a total honey. Ricky Romero got into and out of trouble early, loading the bases with nobody out in the second on a hit batter and two walks, but struck out a pair and got Sean Rodriguez to ground out to Bautista. There were no hits that inning, and in fact only one off of Romero all night, a Desmond Jennings solo shot in the sixth. That Jon Rauch came on and allowed more hits in his lone inning of work than Romero allowed in the previous eight should surprise literally no one, and whoever wrote the "Romero and Rauch Combine for Three-Hitter" headline I saw somewhere should give his head a shake. Also if you enjoy home runs by Jose Bautista and Yunel Escobar as much as I do, then you, like me, were in luck last night.


So yeah: Ricky Romero's ERA is down to 2.98; the Blue Jays have finally beaten David Price, who came into the game 8-0 against them; and Toronto now trails Tampa Bay by a mere half-game, which is utterly meaningless unless you are still working out your personal issues with J. P. Ricciardi after all these years. Good stuff!


KS

Giants Lose Game to Luck Made Flesh, 6-1

The last time I was ever happy.

Yet again, the Giants had absolutely nothing go their way and absolutely everything go the Diamondbacks' way. Tim Lincecum gave up a massive home run to a rookie and there's your ballgame. Aubrey Huff, in a situation where a ground ball to second base would score a run, grounds out to the pitcher instead, and there's your ballgame. Carlos Beltran absolutely demolishes a line drive to the wall that would score a run, but Justin Upton catches it, and there's your ballgame. The Giants get ball four called on what was strike three, and Justin Upton follows the walk with a home run, and there's your ballgame. Javier Lopez -- lefty killer, lefty murderer, lefty annihilator -- is inexplicably brought in to face six right-handed batters in a row, and there's your ballgame.

The Giants only need to win one of these three games to leave this series in first place, and they're not going to do it. They get swept tomorrow and my despair reaches a new low.

Honestly, the only thing I have to go on right now is that the Giants have had SUCH rotten luck, that it HAS to turn around sometime. But there's no offense here, there's no help on the horizon, there's no help forthcoming, Bochy has lost faith in Andres Torres, he won't start Belt over the abysmal Huff, he won't play Burrell when Burrell returns, and the pitching staff is falling apart.

I don't believe the Giants can turn this around enough to take the division. The Diamondbacks aren't slowing down. They're only getting better. Maybe once the Giants snap this losing streak, my outlook will be slightly better, but the Phillies are coming to town next and it's just going to be an absolute mauling.

58-51

Strasburg singing some Amy Winehouse "they bout to send my ass to rehab..."

while yall bitches is contemplating actual playoff pictures and trade deadline tomfoolery, for me it's all about this next week...


plus they had an SI fluff piece on how awesome The Ultimate Harper is going to be, and I went to a minor league base of the ball game the other weekend and was gonna write poetry about it, but then I thought I was gonna get fired at my for-real job and forgotted to do so. I will pull out my notebook later this week and update you on my In Real Life minor league Ultimate Harper watching findings, okay bros?

Basically Everything Possible Goes Wrong, Giants Lose 5-2

Your 2011 NL West Champs.

Matt Cain gets squeezed. The Giants hit everything hard, but they all find gloves. The Diamondbacks hit nothing hard, and they all find holes. Beltran grounds into an inning-ending double play when he represents the tying run. Now he is truly a Giant.

No offense, no offense, no offense. I look at the Diamondbacks and I see a team that refuses to quit and mashes the ball and presses, presses, presses. I look at the Giants and I see a discarded husk of a team that can't muster the strength to win.

It is the second-worst thing in the world for your team to suffer one bad inning and think, "They need five runs? There's literally no way in hell they can score five runs to win this." It is the actual worst thing in the world to be right.

The Giants will get swept and relinquish the NL West lead. They will not make the playoffs. This is the beginning of the end. I hope I am wrong, but I see no indication that is the case. Prove me wrong, Giants. I am begging you.

Blue Jays 7, Rangers 3: Blue Jays Spit In the Faces of All Who Would Oppose Them on Roberto Alomar Hall of Fame Day

A Good Day

Say what you will about the historically low esteem in which the public holds the once venerated Royal Canadian Mounted Police after recent years of scandal ranging from the petty to the rather severe, but being led through the crowd by a couple of Mounties is an absolute motherfucker of a way to make your way onto the field to have your number retired in front of 45,629 people packed into the building I can only call the SkyDome. I mean:

That just straight up works, you know? I have already more than said my piece on Roberto Alomar in recent days, so that is not ground that I will revisit with you here today. Instead, let it be said that Brandon Morrow pitched a heck of a game, striking out eleven over seven innings of two-run, six-hit ball. Early on, Alan Ashby noticed that Morrow had "the good slider" going, and predicted a long day for Texas bats, and he was totally right. There was no shortage of offense on the Toronto side, the highlight coming early, as the streaky E5 -- notably the last player to wear Alomar's number twelve, now the first number retired in Toronto Blue Jays history -- launched a shot into the second deck with Bautista aboard (on a walk, naturally). 


A really, really nice day of Blue Jays baseball, is all I really have to say about this one. It gave me a real good feeling, the kind of feeling you get when you look at a picture of Otto Velez talking to Roberto Alomar and Sandy Alomar Jr. in Anaheim in 1977, you know?

KS

57-51

Look, I feel like I should say some words about yesterday's by all accounts awesome game. I say "by all accounts" because I, uh, I actually didn't see the game. Yes, it's shamefully true, but I spent those hours lounging on the beach, degenerate that I am, and basking in the glow of all those wonderful things that the beach has to offer. This means that I was reduced to watching highlights, but my God, what wonderful highlights they were. Aside from Justin Verlander being, well, Justin Verlander, there was Carlos Guillen being a Kingsized Dick in all the best ways and there was Jared Weaver getting tossed from the game because he was successfully trolled by Carlos and there was joy and happiness and baseball, man. Baseball. I guess the overwhelming lesson to learn from all this is that although 162 games seems like a lot and there is a tendency to think "Fuck it, this game won't really matter that much," the reality is such that something like this can happen at any time and when you miss it, you feel like a dunce. Granted, some people would say that I should have known the odds of something awesome happening were higher on account of the Verlander v. Weaver factor, and while these people are no doubt correct, they are missing one crucial factor: I forgot they were pitching. Which brings up a whole new set of shameful issues for which I must answer, but if I do that, then I'll no doubt be forced into another embarrassing admission, and then another and another and where does it all end, friendos? Tell me that? Where does it all end? And so for both my sake and yours, and for the good of society as a whole, I'll just stop now and say that I had a good time at the beach but I am sad that I missed this game. I do this for all of us. You're welcome, world. You're welcome.

Giants Reportedly Visited Cincinnati

File game one under toughluck.xls, add game two to missedopportunities.ppt, and consider game three part of no_offense.exe (with a side of barryzito.doc). Three horrific first innings and we're moving on.

The Giants made great moves well before the trade deadline in acquiring Carlos Beltran and Jeff Keppinger, then panicked and made the most lateral of lateral moves in acquiring Orlando Cabrera, so is Miguel Tejada without the name value. Seriously, their slash lines are almost precisely identical.

Huge, huge, enormous, gigantic series against the Diamondbacks starting today. The Giants are totally capable of losing the NL West to them. It's very, very scary. Here we go.