Giants Manage Not to Mess the Bed, Win 6-0

Chris Stewart has been playing professional baseball for ten years. He's a plus-defense catcher with a great, if not entirely accurate, arm. He seems like the nicest dude in the world, and although he's not the offensive threat that Eli Whiteside is (note: Eli Whiteside can hardly be considered an "offensive threat" by any stretch), he doesn't fill you with cold terror every time Tim Lincecum throws a breaking ball in the dirt. This is important. Tim Lincecum is famously particular about his catchers, and the fact that he usually wants to throw to Stewart above Whiteside should tell you a lot.

The Whiteside/Stewart platoon that has been foisted upon us from that fateful day that Buster Posey's ankle flew to smithereens has been tough to watch on the best of days, but Eli Whiteside's bunny-hopping in front of Shane Victorino last week finally made the city of San Francisco chuckle to themselves and say, "Hey, maybe Whitey's okay after all." (Note: Eli Whiteside's nickname is actually "Whitey" because why not.)

It helps that he also made a sweet tackle.

And it also helps that he made a sweet catch on a foul bunt.

And yes, Eli Whiteside even hit a home run in that horrible losing effort that firmly entrenched the Phillies as loathsome arch-fiends in the mind of every Giants fan from now until forever. That has long been the dividing line between Whiteside and Stewart: Eli Whiteside hits home runs a few times a year. Chris Stewart has never hit a major-league home run.

Until last night. Chris Stewart took a first pitch over the left-field wall for his first career home run, and man alive was it a great moment. The grin on his face when he was greeted on the top step by Guillermo "Two Career Home Runs" Mota was possibly my favorite moment of the year. I'm really happy for the guy. Moreso than I'm happy the Giants were able to give Madison Bumgarner a dominating win when they all needed one most. Stay alive, bats. Please, please stay alive.

Lots of stories here. Huff possibly beginning to bounce back. Sergio Romo continuing his dominance. Madison Bumgarner doing historically fantastic things that no freshly-turned-22-year-old has any right doing. But I'm sticking with the Tale of Two Catchers (But Most Importantly the Catcher I Like Best).

So here's to you, Chris Stewart. Here's to your fist-pumping after big strikeouts. Here's to your amazingly fast unloads that sometimes result in fantastic plays. Here's to you being the best sac bunter the Giants have. But here's to you hitting a home run for a major league baseball team, which is forever at #1 on my "Best Feats You Could Accomplish in Life" list.

Giants Don't Get Swept, Win 3-1

A roving band of Philadelphia thugs assaults a hapless pedestrian.

The good news is the Giants are getting plenty of hits. More than enough hits. The bad news is that none of these hits are coming with men in scoring position, or, in yesterday's case, the hits with runners in scoring position aren't actually scoring runs. The Giants should think about not calling second base "scoring position." From now on, "scoring position" should just be "when a Giants runner touches home plate directly, without first being tagged out." That's a little weighty, but far more accurate.

So the Giants, despite losing like twelve of their last ten, never left first place. The Pirates are coming to town toting a massive, massive losing streak and their pitchers have given up about twelve billion runs in the past ten games. Nothing's better for snapping a losing streak than playing the Giants, and nothing's better for pitchers with ERAs over 5.00 than facing some Giants bats. The Giants are the equal-opportunity defending World Champs. "Say, we feel just awful about your luck, fellas. We'll swing at first pitches the whole night, what say?"

Prediction: Giants take one of three, get two-hit in one of the games and shut out in another.

On Offense

There's a lot of baseball teams that I find very exciting this season. I'm really into the Pirates and their young, speedy contact guys and solid pitching. If everything does well, they're going to have a simply exhilarating team in a couple of seasons.

I like almost everything about the Brewers. I love their stadium. I love Bob Uecker. Their Friday throwback uniforms are probably the best-looking uniform in baseball and it's a real shame it's not their everyday outfit. They have a player named Nyjer Morgan whose "on-field name" is Tony Plush, and he's the best interview in baseball. I have trouble reconciling Prince Fielder's dickish and outright cheating antics with my love of massive-armed fat vegan dudes who crush deep home runs. I have trouble reconciling my hatred of Mark Teixiera facial expressions on Elijah Wood's face with the awesome baseball that Dave Braun plays. But most of all, I love that the Brewers are not the Cardinals.

There are a lot of teams that are fun or interesting to watch for a ton of very different reasons. The 2011 Mariners, Mets, Diamondbacks, Blue Jays, and Indians are fascinating thus far. It's been a spectacular baseball season, and we're only just into June.

But the truth is, since I got back into baseball full-bore in about 1999 after a really unfortunate few-year absence (the departure of Will Clark in the pre-internet, pre-MLB.tv era coincided with my abrupt cessation from playing organized baseball during my adolescence), my second-favorite team has been the Boston Red Sox. It made a lot more sense at the time. The Giants were the West Coast Red Sox, so why not root for another set of talented, hard-luck losers?

Having your favorite team play in a separate league from your second-favorite team is essentially like having two favorite teams. Also, watching these two maligned teams win historic World Series within six years of one another is...well, it's still sort of hard to believe. Especially considering the collapses of the seemingly-unstoppable Giants teams of 1987, 1989, 1993, 1997, 2000, and 2002, and basically every Red Sox season before 2004.

The Giants have a rich history of fearsome mashers. Will the Thrill, Stretch, the Say-Hey Kid, the Hackman, Matt "no nickname" Williams, Kevin Mitchell, Ellis Burks, Jeff Kent, and some guy named Barry. Since Number 25 departed, however, the Giants have had pitchers. Boy, have they ever had pitchers! On offense, they've had Randy Winn, Brian Bocock, Manny Burriss, John Bowker, Dave Roberts, Edgar Renteria, the old and fat version of Bengie Molina, and [see today's lineup].

The American League and the National league are fundamentally different. You watch the two different leagues and it's clear that they're two different leagues. But you watch a Giants game and then watch a Red Sox game...and it's two different solar systems. When a Giants starter gives up a run, you can honestly feel the Giants fan hivemind wail in despair. How can they possibly overcome this deficit? You run through the options. Who's up next inning? Huff? He'll roll one to the right side. Schierholtz and Ross might get a base hit or walk between them, but...oh, no. Rowand! God forbid the one good hitter in that day's lineup is leadoff off the next inning. Getting stranded after a leadoff double is even worse than three slow rollers to second base. Watching a Giants game in 2011 is slow and agonizing. How can they overcome a two-run deficit? It's just not possible! Evey Giants run scored is a tiny miracle, an anomaly. A Bret Hart loogie in the eye of God/Vince McMahon. Every Giants pitcher takes the field knowing they're going to have to be essentially perfect or that's the ballgame. Every Giants hitter stands at the plate knowing they're going to mess this one up. Those of us watching at home can't believe that Barry was here as recently as 2007. That can't be right, we think. That was a million years ago. Two million.

Watching a Red Sox game after a 2-0 Giants loss or a 2-1 Giants win is like the feeling you must get immediately following a complete mental break. So this is insanity. Huh. It's pretty crazy! The Red Sox go out and wallop the ball. Just absolutely abuse the thing. Ellsbury and Crawford hit triples. Pedroia and Youkilis bring them home. Gonzalez and Ortiz launch taters to every field. The runs just pile up and up, a seemingly inexhaustible supply. John Lackey might give up five runs in an inning, and you can see the Sox players look at one another and shrug. "Gee, I guess we'll just have to hit more home runs next inning. No big deal. It's what we do."

It's ridiculous that the Red Sox can have such an embarrassment of riches when it comes to putting up crooked numbers. Sure, you can point to their payroll and to the difference in play in the DH league. But the Red Sox team philosophy that Theo Epstein scrawled on the whiteboard in his office are the letters "OBP" crossed out, and below that, the words "HOME RUNZ" two feet high.

It's going to be very interesting for the rest of the 2011 season. The Giants have a phenomenal pitching staff, and no offense. None available, and none forthcoming. The Red Sox have a lineup of fearsome cave trolls that hit baseballs so hard the baseballs evaporate, and the umpires are forced to award the batters "super-homers" which count for twice the normal runs. I've always wanted to see a Giants-Red Sox World Series, and this might be the craziest year for that to happen. I don't believe it will, though. I don't believe the Giants can make it this far.

Pitching wins ballgames, sure. The Giants proved that last year. But you have to put a number on the board first. The Giants can't do that consistently. Sometimes they can't do it at all. The Red Sox have nothing but numbers. Sometimes they let their opponents score 4 or 5 or 7 runs, because they feel bad there's no mercy rule. "Sorry about the 16 runs, fellas. We're gonna just throw underhand for a while. No hard feelings, yeah?"

I like watching fantastic pitching that makes great hitters look like fools. I also like watching 500-foot home runs and three-run doubles off the wall. With my two favorite teams I get the best of both worlds.

Still about 100 games left. It's going to be one hell of a season.

- Bill

Aaron Rowand Drives in Three Runs, Steals Home, Summons Plague of Locusts

Obviously one of my favorite things to do here is vent my frustrations at the Giants' vexing center fielder, Aaron Rowand. But today, as the Allegheny River burst into flame and the sky began to bleed, he was the hero, picking up three RsBI, snapping the Giants' 0-for-17 with RISP for the series, and stealing home on a double-steal when the spectacularly-bearded Josh Doumit winged the ball into center field.

There were two other heroes in today's game. One of them was Ryan Vogelsong, returning to the Giants, who drafted him in 2000, pitching against the Pirates, to whom he was traded lo those many years ago for erstwhile ace Jason Schmidt, and making his first major-league start in eight years, filling in for the injured Barry Zito. Vogelsong had one problem inning, gave up a pair of runs to the Bucs, and needed a hundred pitches through five and two-thirds, but he also struck out eight, matching his career-high, and outpacing Zito's season total to date. He looked good tossing to backup backstop Eli Whiteside, so god only knows what kind of game he could throw when Buster Posey is completing the battery.

The other hero for the Giants was the Pirates' defense. Lordy, did they look terrible. four errors on the day, two by Lyle (clank) Overbay (clank clank). It's nice to see someone OPPOSITE the Giants Brooks Conrad-ing it up this season.

Other news: Mark DeRosa's wrist is still made of spun sugar and delicate wishes. He's back on the DL and Emmanuel Burriss is up from Fresno. Burriss was really raking it in AAA, but didn't look very impressive today, getting a gift infield single and booting a ball. The thing that really makes this bad news is that although backup shortstop Mike Fontenot had his first two hits off a right-handed pitcher this season, Mike Tejada got a meaningless pinch-hit single, which probably proves to Bruce Bochy that he's a gritty veteran gamer with true gamey grit back in his swing, and will start every game for the next three weeks.

The Giants head to our nation's capital, where they will all be asked to present their birth certificates. TOPICAL HUMOR~

Darren Ford: History's Greatest Monster

The above .gif is from last year, but the sentiment is the same. Following a brutal three-game sweep at home by Ted Turner's contemptible Braves, the Giants were looking like crud against the lowly Pirates and their Roy Halladay clone, whatshisname. They managed to tie the game on a couple of sac flies and wiggle out of a couple of jams, but the offense was nonexistent for most of the game, as is fitting with a team that is insisting on batting Aaron Rowand in the leadoff spot, and Michael Tejada in any spot.

BUT THEN the Giants got a huge Pirates misplay in the top of the tenth to get their leadoff batter standing on second. BUT THEN Freddy Sanchez induced a fielder's choice to eliminate said runner at third. BUT THEN Darren "Vroom" Ford -- he of the baserunning and outfield heroics, but without a major-league hit -- went first-to-third when the Pirates' pitcher bounced a pickoff throw into right field. And on another 4-3 putout, Ford broke for home, and it wasn't close.

Darren Ford: can't hit a lick, but the most exciting man in baseball on the basepaths. Big, much-needed win for the Giants yesterday, but they need their bats to wake up and their pitchers to settle down.

The Man, The Myth, The Nutting.

Would you buy a used ballplayer from this man?

Bob Nutting. The mention of his very name causes the blood of most Pirates fans to reach a boil not seen outside of Mount Saint Helens. It's easy to see why, he has a face that looks like a cat's asshole and he's the main guy in charge of the franchise with the longest losing streak in sports. His last name coincides with what a lot of fans think his family does all over the legacy of a once proud team. What's worse is that he's like a bizarro world Dan Snyder with all of the dickishness and none of the crazy spending. Funny thing, is that if the Pirates ever become respectable he's going to be the man responsible for it.

A little perspective on the history of Pirates ownership is in order here. The team was owned for forty years by John Galbreath, a wealthy commercial developer. From 1945 to 1985 he was in charge, becoming the first owner to sign a million dollar contract (to Dave Parker in 1979) but two things spelled the end for his ownership. The first was that John was in his late 80s, and the second being the Federal drug trials that largely centered on the Pirates. There was a real fear that the team would move, and a group of Pittsburgh businessmen bought the team and ran the show for ten years. Oddly it proved to be not that bad of an arrangement, since the team's business was run by the GM in charge instead of the gaggle of civic leaders who by and large didn't know shit about baseball and just didn't want the team to leave. However the time came where the group of leaders wanted to sell to someone who actually wanted to own a baseball team, and that's where the Troubles began.

Kevin McClatchy was presented as the primary owner of the team in 1996, but it became clear soon that the one really calling the shots was one Ogden Nutting. A newspaper magnate from West Virginia, Ogden is an old rich guy who also owns Seven Springs ski resort and is more or less an IRL Monty Burns. It's been speculated that he just wanted to own a professional team for the bragging rights and the Pirates were the cheapest ones on the market. The team did its best to convince the public that McClatchy was the HNIC, but even he became frustrated at the constant losing, which made it clear he was nothing more than the Darth Vader for Emperor Ogden. What's worse, is by all accounts he was an absentee landlord. Stories abound of McClatchy and various GMs more or less pleading with Ogden to do something, anything, to build a winning team but were given the brush off. The Nutting family became synonymous with the worst kind of bad owner: the one who doesn't even give a shit that their team's a laughingstock.

Enter son Bob Nutting. His reasons for taking over weren't entirely selfless, he's embarrassed his family name has become such a source of frustration and failure, and he wants to change that as much as he does to make a winning team. He's responded to calls to sell the team with saying he plans to have his kids inherit it, so if anything he wants to make sure his kids don't see their birthright as the World's Unfunniest Gag Gift. Bob bought enough shares to become primary owner in 2007 and quickly told McClatchy and his witless GM Dave Littlefield to get the fuck out in short order. He actually understands how teams like his need to compete, from within. The Pirates have actually spent more money in the draft than any other team the last few years. The minor league system that once made a nuclear wasteland look lush by comparison now has several prospects on the top 100 list. He's giving every impression that he's actually trying to improve the team, but everyone still hates him.

Why is a guy who's taking on the task of turning around the most wayward team in sports still not liked by the fans? Some of it is his fault and some is out of his control. The Pirates have not only had their own bad luck, they have to share their city with two of the most popular teams in US sports. Those teams are also owned by two of the most popular people in Pittsburgh, so whoever owns the Pirates is going to look like an asshole by comparison. What hurts Nutting is that he has all the social skills of the 40 year old virgin he appears to be. He very rarely makes public appearances or speaks out, sending team President Frank Coonelly or GM Neal Huntington instead. On one hand that's for the better since those two are far better public speakers than he is, on the other it makes him look like the same uninterested douchnozzle his dad was.

That's a lot of what it boils down to, Bob Nutting for all he's doing is really bad at PR. A team like this should be promoting the shit out of the efforts they make trying to produce homegrown talent, but instead he went out and got himself somewhat misquoted to make it appear he said the opposite of Coonelly when Frank answered the ever present payroll question by (correctly) stating the team couldn't afford to go out and double their payroll until they convince the fans they have a product worth supporting. Bob went out and completely ham-handed the same question and now all the SPORTZ BLAWGZ~! here are foaming with rage over "Bob blames the fans for low payroll". He really didn't, but it's so easy to hate the guy it's almost not even worth correcting everyone.

A lot of Pirates fans don't like that I don't share their rage for the Nuttings, and think if you don't storm PNC Park with fire and pitchforks you're somehow an apologist or on their payroll (ironic since their main argument is that they don't pay anyone!). I prefer to consider myself more a realist. The guy's said many times he's not going to sell the team ever. The dreams of a multi-million/billionaire waltzing in and suddenly putting the Pirates on par with the Yankees and Phils just isn't going to happen. It's just better for your own mental well being to just accept the ownership you have and hope one day they can field a respectable team. They tried the approach to spend a lot in advance and hope the revenue follows, that didn't work and it resulted in huge losses that caused trades like Aramis Ramirez for a bag of baseballs to take place.

What Pirates fans need to accept is the only way this is ever going to turn around is the way they're trying to do it now. If that fails, then it's time to storm the castle.

BF GIS HoF: DOCK ELLIS

[baseball feelings google image search hall of fame]

Eat Shit, Hitler: The Hank Greenberg Story

Not pictured: Hitler eating shit, but reports suggest he did.

There is much to be said for Hank Greenberg -- chiefly, that he owned -- and the place to hear it said is The Life and Times of Hank Greenberg, which you can and should watch on Netflix.  The synopsis: Hank Greenberg found it not entirely awesome to be a Jew in Detroit in the 1930s; Hank Greenberg hit a ton of home runs; Hank Greenberg went to war; Hank Greenberg came back and hit a ton of home runs.  Then, because baseball owners have always been crooked, he ended up in Pittsburgh, which is when Bing Crosby and Groucho Marx recorded this.


As a GM he put together a World Series winning team in Cleveland, which science has proven to be all but an impossible in the decades since.  He testified at Flood v. Kuhn that the reserve clause hurt players and should be struck down.  Hank Greenberg continued to be awesome until his death at the age of 75 in 1986.       


Eat shit, Hitler.  


KS

The Pirates, or "I swear, baby, it'll be different this time"

The gentleman pictured above is Ross Ohlendorf, and it's presumed he'll be part of the Pirates starting rotation this year just like he was last year. His ERA of 4.07 wasn't too bad, all things considered. His win-loss record? 1-11. That's right, when everyone was marveling at how bad Charlie Morton self destructed it turned out he didn't have the worst record among starting pitchers. Of course that's because he managed to go 2-12, so we're looking at going into 2011 with 2/5ths of the rotation supplying a whole 3 fucking wins last season. WE'RE GONNA BREAK THE STREAK, BABY!

But there's something odd going on around town. People are really getting into the Pirates. Last weekend they had their annual PirateFest convention which is basically where you walk around playing shitty carnival type games to win swag that didn't get given away at games plus you get to meet Pirates players. This year set an all time record with nearly 17,000 people attending the 3 day weekend. I didn't even get a chance to get an autograph from my main main Andrew McCutchen since the line for him was well over an hour and a half wait.

Why is this happening, when at first glance there's not really much different than the team that yet again lost 100+ games in 2010? Well a few key things actually. First, they fired John Russell, who I'm pretty sure was the baseball equivalent of Weekend At Bernie's. His complete lack of energy became a running gag to the point any time he left the dugout to argue a call (which rarely happened) was met with sarcastic cheers from a crowd shocked he actually was awake during a game. Clint Hurdle seems like he actually wants to manage this team, and he's not completely unfamiliar with the task of trying to turn around a team stuck in the doldrums. The second reason may not seem as clear to anyone who doesn't closely follow the team. There's actually some decent players on the horizon from within the system. Yeah, we have Cutch, Walker, Pedro, and Jose "what do you mean my wife is 40+ and crazy?" Tabata on the roster already, but there's quite a few guys tearing up the minors who should be arriving in a year or two. Sure, minor league dudes don't always pan out but if even half do it would mark a stark improvement over what the team has now.

You may think it's a sign of mental instability to be a fan of a team like the Pirates, and on some level it's hard to argue that. We've been lucky in this town to have two other franchises that are at least contenders for championships every year, and usually make a strong run at that. Then you look at baseball and see a team that is very much Steve Blass Disease: The Team. A once proud franchise that won three World Series in a 20 year period while contending for several others now hasn't even been able to have a winning season in 18 years. It's been pointed out that there is an entire generation of people in this town who have no memory of winning baseball. Hockey, which was once a distant third here after football and baseball, is now a stromg #2 and baseball is seen as struggling to maintain relevant.

But some of us remember. MLB Network aired the presumed-lost film of Game 7 of the 1960 World Series not too long ago. Watching the Pirates hit a game winning homer to win a championship....beating the Yankees no less.... made me jump out of my chair, even though the game happened 50 years ago and it was hardly a surprise. A few months prior, they showed the clinching game in the 1979 series as well. Even though there was a lot to be embarrassed about (the pajama-looking yellow uniforms, everyone sporting Afros and porn staches, Baltimore not even trying to remove the football lines from Memorial Stadium), there was that feeling again watching the Pirates...my team...winning a championship.

One day, it will happen again. May not be for 5 years. Or 10. One day, we're going to see winning baseball again here, and you know what? It'll make all the losing seem like it was just a minor rough patch.

Baseball, man. Just baseball.

This is the best picture I have ever seen.

KS