NATS RISE TO GLORY game twenty-nine

Yesterday was an afternoon businessman's special matinee, and The Ultimate Harper came to play. I had just written about being dialed-in, how he didn't seem to be dialed-in, and we'd just come off a questionable Strasborg performance the day before. There will always be questions regarding Strasborg/Harper because both were allegedly once-a-decade prospects (who were both hyped as once-in-a-lifetime talents), and they came back-to-back to this team. Well, yesterday Harper went 3-for-3 his first three times at the plate - 3 home runs that is. And sure, there's tons of players who probably have a hot day and get 3 HRs (well, maybe not a ton), but the fact after just fretting over whether he had dialed-in capability, he came out dialed the fuck in, it gave me excitement. That's all fucking baseball is anyways - a long boring slog through the slow decline of America, but with random chance bursts of excitement that may you think, "Hey, maybe 100 years ago ain't so bad!" But then we'll all die under the weight of our own greed and failure.
Nats are 14-15.

Blue Jays 13, Orioles 6: Jose Bautista vs. The Haters Still

E5 looking like a cool cool killer in this

Because the world is stupid, not everybody loves Jose Bautista openly and fearlessly, and so on occasion people are going to throw behind Jose Bautista; we know this because we have seen this. For the second time in this still-young season, though, Joseph Batstista has answered this demonstrably self-loathing hateration (in that hating in hating Jose Baustista you are obviously hating part of yourself, and probably one of the better parts of yourself, actually) by launching the shit out of a dinger in that selfsame at bat. That is how you do it, Jose Bautista; that is how you fvkkn do it.

Also Mark Buehrle, just getting out there, hucking it in, let's hear it for that guy. And E5.

KS

Blue Jays 10, Indians 8: There Were Like A Zillion Dingerz, Which Is The Ideal Number of Dingerz

middle-infield camaraderie might not mean a damn thing to you McNulty but it means a hell of a lot to me

Woah, dingers! Like so many! Let's see OK there was Jose Bautista's, then J.P. Arencibia hit one into the second deck I believe, then E5 with the mighty three-run wallop, and then finally Colby Rasmus who comes to the plate to what sounds like a parody of contemporary country-radio country music but which is I fear probably just contemporary country-radio country music. There were Indians home runs as well, it is perhaps worth noting, if only in passing. I will not detail them here because I do not want to pretend like I cared about them because intellectual and emotional honesty is important. Mark Buehrle wasn't really any good, which is bad, but he takes a Halladay-esque approach to not fucking around between pitches out there, so I will never ever be mad at him, I promise. There was nifty glove work from Emilio Bonifacio as he smoothly turned two with Jose Reyes, I was told by means of radio communication from Jerry Howarth and (*long inhale*) Jack Morris (*long exhale*) who, I guess I should say, really isn't terrible or anything, but he isn't all that good either, and he sure as heck isn't Alan Ashby, who is, I would argue, the most underrated broadcaster in baseball, and probably like the third or fourth best there even is. The Blue Jays could win ninety games this year (as they of course will) and I would still be like "I miss Alan Ashby" instead of talking about how Jose Bautista has eighty home runs. 

KS

Blue Jays 8, Yankees 1: An Intoxicating Admixture of Dingerz and Smoke

yussssssss

Dingerz dung by: J. P. Arencibia, E5, Joseph Batstista, Kelly Johnson


Smoke thrown by: Kyle Drabek


Intoxicating admixture of the above imbibed by: your faithful correspondent


KS

Twins 7, Blue Jays 6: At Least They Got It In, I Guess

baseball (above)

After a two-hour rain delay, Kyle Drabek (and the 'pen!) got slapped around to the tune of seven runs against a pretty awful lineup, but I have chosen to focus on the positive, which is to say: Jose Bautista's two dingers; E5's lone dinger; and the way the MLB guy doing the video recap of the game actually referred to Encarnacion as "E5" in the highlight package. These are all good things, except for how the pitching was, on this rainy night, if not an utter butt, then at least somewhat buttesque.


KS

Phillies 7, Blue Jays 0; Blue Jays 3, Red Sox 3; Blue Jays 6, Yankees 1; Blue Jays 11, Astros 1; Blue Jays 5, Astros 2: Not Enough of These Were On the Radio

Joseph Batstista, pondering haters 

I get that not everybody is going to listen to every inning of every spring training game and it might not make sense to broadcast every last one of them, but at the same time, I mind this fact more than you might think. Like, this week, even my admittedly and perhaps enviably bohemian life did not allow me to listen to as much of one of the games that was in fact broadcast as I would have liked, but I caught some of it, and even that felt pretty good, you know? Even if I can't really settle in for more than an inning or two, that inning or two can be pretty transporting, if I may be so bold as to say that about this. And a bro of mine who just signed up for Gameday Audio on the strength of my recommendation found on the first night of his subscription nothing available but a Spanish broadcast of the Marlins game. Finding it unlikely he would learn the language in one evening, he tuned out (also it is complicated because he is a bitter Expos fan and still understandably has feelings in the direction of Jeffry Loria who is undeniably evil, an aspect of his character not sufficiently examined in the recent Miami Marlins cover story in Sports Ilustrated in my view).


Putting all of that aside, in a triumphant return to the airwaves this afternoon Jose Bautista hit two home runs and Travis Snider hit another and Dustin McGowan pitched or two innings without his shoulder erupting into flames so that is a win in the fullest sense. Go Jays.


KS

Yankees 7, Blue Jays 6: Oh Come On

Mariano Rivera: Has Some Saves

Of the many ways to lose 7-6, none of them good, this one seemed particularly bad. After jumping out to a 6-1 lead through four innings, the Blue Jays batters figured everything was cool and so stopped hitting entirely, while Alex Rodriguez and Curtis Granderson took another approach, namely the approach of dingers. Henderson Alvarez just kind of hit a wall out there, and Carlos Villanueva, with whom I have absolutely no problem, was not at his best, and technically blew a save, even though it didn't really feel like it because it was the seventh. That Mariano Rivera came on to not blow, but in fact record a save, the record-tying 601st of his career, was unsurprising, but genuinely unwelcome. After four innings I was feeling pretty good about how the Blue Jays were totally going to win this weekend series, but now with Brandon Morrow on the mound in the rubber match I have absolutely no expectation that that is even a possibility in the least; like, not in the least.


I will say, however, that it was rad to have Colby Rasmus back and doing awesome things, like going 2-4 with a double and running down a ball drilled to deep right-centre to make a catch improbable enough that Robinson Cano, who had been speeding around the bases with abandon, actually passed Mark Teixeira (who was rightly holding up and tagging), which meant an inning-ending double play of a pretty weird kind. 


KS

Giants Manage Not to Mess the Bed, Win 6-0

Chris Stewart has been playing professional baseball for ten years. He's a plus-defense catcher with a great, if not entirely accurate, arm. He seems like the nicest dude in the world, and although he's not the offensive threat that Eli Whiteside is (note: Eli Whiteside can hardly be considered an "offensive threat" by any stretch), he doesn't fill you with cold terror every time Tim Lincecum throws a breaking ball in the dirt. This is important. Tim Lincecum is famously particular about his catchers, and the fact that he usually wants to throw to Stewart above Whiteside should tell you a lot.

The Whiteside/Stewart platoon that has been foisted upon us from that fateful day that Buster Posey's ankle flew to smithereens has been tough to watch on the best of days, but Eli Whiteside's bunny-hopping in front of Shane Victorino last week finally made the city of San Francisco chuckle to themselves and say, "Hey, maybe Whitey's okay after all." (Note: Eli Whiteside's nickname is actually "Whitey" because why not.)

It helps that he also made a sweet tackle.

And it also helps that he made a sweet catch on a foul bunt.

And yes, Eli Whiteside even hit a home run in that horrible losing effort that firmly entrenched the Phillies as loathsome arch-fiends in the mind of every Giants fan from now until forever. That has long been the dividing line between Whiteside and Stewart: Eli Whiteside hits home runs a few times a year. Chris Stewart has never hit a major-league home run.

Until last night. Chris Stewart took a first pitch over the left-field wall for his first career home run, and man alive was it a great moment. The grin on his face when he was greeted on the top step by Guillermo "Two Career Home Runs" Mota was possibly my favorite moment of the year. I'm really happy for the guy. Moreso than I'm happy the Giants were able to give Madison Bumgarner a dominating win when they all needed one most. Stay alive, bats. Please, please stay alive.

Lots of stories here. Huff possibly beginning to bounce back. Sergio Romo continuing his dominance. Madison Bumgarner doing historically fantastic things that no freshly-turned-22-year-old has any right doing. But I'm sticking with the Tale of Two Catchers (But Most Importantly the Catcher I Like Best).

So here's to you, Chris Stewart. Here's to your fist-pumping after big strikeouts. Here's to your amazingly fast unloads that sometimes result in fantastic plays. Here's to you being the best sac bunter the Giants have. But here's to you hitting a home run for a major league baseball team, which is forever at #1 on my "Best Feats You Could Accomplish in Life" list.

Live-Blogging the Home Run Derby or Chris Berman is a Fat Idiot

How do I shot dingerz

Home runs start at 8:00EST/5:00PDT.

4:51 - Really? The national anthem for this? Well all right.

5:00 - We're about to get underway. Strap in for two hours of lousy bands, terrible jokes, lots of Chris Berman, and occasionally a "home run." Spoilers: They're not actually home runs.

5:01 - They couldn't even get a name terrible new-country act for this thing, which should tell you a lot. When you can't even get Trace Adkins to appear on national television, you don't matter.

5:02 - The Diamondbacks' bobcat mascot -- yes, you read that correctly -- is TERRIFYING. Imagine if a furry's fursona was a baseball-playing Chewbacca. Now make it a nightmare.

5:03 - Scott Rolen's kids cover their ears, thus speaking for America.

5:04 - Chris Berman is pandering to the live crowd for some reason. Everyone hates him. "Are you guys ready for some long ball?" Yes, Chris. We didn't come for the lousy country-rock concert. Post-NutriSystem Chris Berman is so weird looking. Like, he lost a lot of weight but stayed roughly the same proportions. If he took his clothes off he'd look like his skin was made out of insulation and Oreo filling.

5:09 - As Matt Holliday is introduced and completely ignores everyone, Prince Fielder explains to his kids why everyone is booing him. Arizona demonstrates why they are the butthole of the nation by booing all the National League home run contestants, just because Fielder didn't pick a Diamondback for the Derby. I get it, I guess. I mean, Fielder made some weird picks, but what are you going to do?

5:11 - Nomar Garciaparra is amazed at how many players are sweating. I for one am looking forward to steady mansweat updates all evening.

5:13 - John Kruk predicts that Robinson Cano will hit a baseball into the pool in right field. I predict John Kruk will eat at least six gorditas during this telecast.

5:15 - In 2011, Billy Ripken looks more like Cal Ripken than Cal Ripken does. Berman says "Everyone is on their feet, as they should be." Yo Berman, it ain't the queen, it's Cal Ripken.

5:16 - WHY IS THERE A CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH

5:17 - Why is any of this stuff happening? No one cares. why aren't they swinging bats right this second

5:19 - In case you tuned in for the Home Run Derby, ESPN is now showing highlight packages of players who are not actually participating in the Home Run Derby.

5:20 - I've watched the Home Run Derby pretty much every year, and I think it's time to start renaming it "Let's look at baseball players' kids Derby"

5:20 - OH HEY WE'RE STARTING

5:21 - Adrian Gonzalez is up first and grounds out weakly, then pops one up. WOOOOOOOO

5:21 - Our first home run, just fair down the right field line. Not a single "backbackback" from Berman. We haven't heard "back" one.

5:22 - Kruk was right, the second home run of the night goes in the pool, but off the bat of Gonzalez.

5:23 - I think Berman isn't doing his "backbackbackback" schtick because of the three-man booth, not because it is the worst feat of announcing in history. Four-man booth, counting Jose Bautista. Everyone talking all over each other. Just a mess.

5:25 - First "backbackback" despite hardly anyone paying attention to what is actually happening. This is reminding me of a late-1990s Monday Night Raw, where there's an awesome Intercontinental Title match but the commentators just won't shut up about what the Undertaker's going to do during his confrontation with Kane later.

5:28 - Berman reveals that the "gold balls" -- balls that, if hit for a home run, result in a donation to charity -- contain actual gold leaf. Reminds me of the David Cross bit about eating gold leaf while the gold miner loses his limbs on the other side of the world.

5:30 - My inaugural complimentary statement about the Home Run Derby: I like the spray chart being shown after the batter is done with their round.

5:31 - Matt Holliday takes "I don't give a shit about the Home Run Derby" to the next level by having his pitcher be catcher Yadier Molina.

5:34 - What I'd really like to see is how Matt Holliday does in a "Touch Home Plate Derby"

5:35 -Sometimes I really want to like Lance Berkman, but he has two huge strikes against him. One: he plays for the Cardinals. Two: He looks like a Harvey comics character featuring some sort of strongman baby. Baby Muscles, they'd call it.

5:36 - First commercial break. Rickie Weeks is up next. Hope he bunts.

5:43 - Robinson Cano is crushing everything. Actually pretty awesome. The punchable-faced Shane Victorino is joining the booth, which reminds me of this:

5:46 - David Ortiz's accent is absolutely the best. Highlight: pronouncing Mark Teixiera's name as "tech-sarah"

5:47 - There is a gangly teen in the outfield who is at least a foot taller than all the other kids. He keeps making awkward catches and then dancing around like he's an honorary Crazy Frog Brother.

5:49 - Just had a terrifying thought about how the Home Run Derby could be worse: if John Sterling were the "play-by-play" man instead of Berman. Ugh. "Cano! ...Canoodles this one into the right field bleachers! Oh, Robinson! Rockin' Robinson! Cano believe it? nnnnIt is high...nnnnIt is far...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnRobinson!"

5:52 - Cano's done, now here's Weeks. Two meek popups and a fly ball and the crowd is really giving it to him.

5:53 - I love Rickie Weeks, but was Tsuyoshi Shinjo busy or something

5:54 - They're talking to Fielder about being booed as Weeks goes to 7 outs and 1 home run. I hope Fielder hits a hundred bombs in every round and asks Arizona how his ass tastes in his victory speech.

5:55 - My friend texts me with the pun of the night, suggesting that "Rickie Weeks" is what Julian Assange's website is called in Japan.

5:57 - Weeks finishes up with three home runs and a bunch of boos. Wild guess: the people who are booing have wildly unhappy lives.

5:59 - Here's an MLB commercial featuring a half-assed, poorly-autotuned collection of Jose Bautista home run calls. This is followed by a commercial for the final season of "Rescue Me." Not sure which is more up its own ass.

6:01 - More sweat talk! Chris Berman: "This is the definition of a 'four-shirt broadcast.'" Other Chris Berman activities that require four shirts:

- A trip to Buffalo Wild Wings

- A pool party

- Eating Doritos while watching NCIS

6:03 - Jose Bautista makes a couple of outs while ESPN shows us a wide shot of the field and some yellow lines.

6:04 - Bautista pauses to drink Gatorade and get advice from Ortiz and Cano. Advise, in a Home Run Derby.

6:05 - I hope Bautista finishes behind Weeks.

6:06 - OH MAN he just might!

6:06 - Well, he passes Weeks but just barely. He finishes with four, second-least so far. Top four hitters advance to the next round.

6:08 - Kemp vs. Ortiz next round. These two guys plus Fielder should be the best part, but the Home Run Derby is nothing if not endlessly disappointing.

6:13 - The current leader is Adrian Gonzalez, with 9 home runs. Who else misses steroids? Hint: not Albert Pujols! He's still on 'em!

6:16 - Matt Kemp is putting on a Home Run Derby appearance reminiscent of Brandon Inge's in 2009. Even his small child is mocking him.

6:17 - People of Arizona: "BOOOOO! BOOOOO! How dare you select the man who is second in the league in home runs for this home run contest?! Don't you know that Wily Mo Pena has upwards of THREE home runs! BOOOOOO"

6:18 - With 9 outs, Kemp cranks out two in a row, then pops up and goes, "Gdyawwwwww." Well said, Matthew.

6:20 - With just Ortiz and Fielder left to go, the bottom three are Bautista, Weeks, and Kemp, with 4, 3, and 2 home runs, respectively. I can't imagine Ortiz and Fielder will hit less than any of those.

6:21 - Ortiz up now, Fielder to follow. Finally, the answer to the classic battle, "Meat-eating juicehead vs. vegan juicehead"

6:22 - Andrew McCutchen joins the booth. If you're not rooting for the Pirates this season, man I just don't know. Also, if you don't think, "No deal, McCutchen. That moon money's mine!" every time he's mentioned...I similarly just don't know.

6:23 - Chris Berman leaps to assumptions that McCutchen must have admired David Ortiz from afar for a long time.

6:24 - Shots of Prince Fielder in the batting cage while Ortiz is hitting. It is a mystery to me why these guys say the Derby wears you out.

6:26 - Ortiz is at 4 home runs with 1 out remaining. He's not safe just yet.

6:27 - If Bud Selig really wanted to be radical, the Home Run Derby would determine home field advantage in the World Series.

6:28 - Ortiz finishes with 5 home runs. If Fielder hits more than 5, Ortiz and Holliday would have a "bat-off"

6:30 - wait a minute: this doctor in the Certain Dri commercial appears to be prescribing this product to attractive but smelly women that he has designs on! That seems unethical at best.

6:32 - More rousing boos for Fielder. "Arizona" is Spanish for "sour grapes" I guess.

6:33 - Prince Fielder might go down as the greatest fat muscle-bound vegan cheater showboating slugger of all time. (I love the guy.)

6:34 - It would be pretty awesome if the Giants could find $140 million in their payroll for Fielder next year.

6:35 - Home runs are down 40% from last year, but shockingly, "BACKBACKBACK"s are down nearly 70%!

6:36 - When even Chris Berman sounds bored, it's time to pack it in, fellas.

6:37 - Commentators saying Fielder is "Not tall, big." Does he also have a great personality? #fatshaming #nothowhashtagswork

6:38 - Fielder finishes at five home runs as well. A three-way Ortiz/Fielder/Holliday bat-off? Time to cross an item off my slashfic bucket list!

6:39 - They're describing Fielder's swing as "controlled aggression." Waiting for them to drop "testicular fortitude," "rabid wolverine," or "cerebral assassin"

6:43 - David Ortiz hits four home runs on five swings. Holliday had two, so Fielder needs at least three. Come on you cocky cheater, let's get this one done.

6:45 - LOL at the shot of Matt Holliday trying so hard to look like he doesn't care. Fielder eliminates him to be the last remaining National League guy, which was probably his plan all along. Which makes him the smartest man in baseball.

6:46 - Fielder goes 5 for 5 in the swing-off, and it was AWESOME.

6:47 - The semifinals will be Fielder, Ortiz, Gonzalez, and Cano.

6:48 - Chris Berman compares Fielder to "the boys in the Alamo, tryin' to fight 'em off!" I guess he's not to familiar with the fact that the state of Arizona is trying their damnedest to "fight 'em off" as we speak! (They hate Mexicans, is my general point.)

6:53 - Yo if the camera is on you and you're wearing a team shirt or jersey, pinching it near the letters with both hands and flouncing it up and down is like the bro-est thing you can do. Nothing makes you look like more of an assheaded schmuck, especially if it is a Sox or Yankees shirt.

6:55 - As Ortiz hits a home run, Berman squeals, "you can tell time by THIS!" apropos of nothing. what

6:56 - Ortiz asks them to turn on some home run hitting music. He then asks Adrian Gonzalez to fix him "my special shake I told you about" which he then follows with forty-five seconds of exaggerated winking.

7:01 - Heath Bell is walking around with a humorously oversized bat, cracking everyone up. This is the funniest thing to happen in baseball since Roger McDowell's hate-fueled homophobic rant in San Francisco. That guy's such a jokester!

7:02 - I believe "Fettuccini Alfredo Griffin" is Berman's first unnecessary pun nickname. Over two hours into the telecast! Chris Berman v2.0: now with a modicum of restraint.

7:04 - Robinson Cano really is hitting baseballs a real long way.

7:05 - One of Fielder's kids is hitting baseballs off a tee in the batting cage. Got a better swing than half the Astros lineup. Obvious jokes!

7:10 - Cano just won't stop hitting these g-d home runs.

7:12 - Looks like we're sticking with the three-man booth for the rest of the way. Cano's round brought out a plethora of "BACKBACKBACK" so here we go. For those of you watching along: guess the next Berman nickname. I'm guessing the obvious "Yo Adrian" and perhaps "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Fielder."

7:25 - Berman suggests an Adrian Gonzalez blast is "on its way to Yuma." Spoken like someone who didn't read Jon Bois's writeup at SBNation today.

7:28 - Gonzalez and Cano are tied at 20 home runs, so Fielder has to hit at least 15 to advance. Not looking good.

7:33 - Matt Kemp refers to his "homies" and Buck Gomez fights the urge to "slap him five"

7:34 - Yep, Fielder choked. Finals will be Cano and Gonzalez. Even the Home Run Derby manages to end up with ESPN talking about Yankees vs. Red Sox.

7:39 - In case there wasn't enough filler, here's a recap of the round you just watched.

7:40 - So they use a cumulative total for the first two rounds, but start a new home run total for the finals? Sure, whatever. Still shuddering thinking about John Sterling calling this.

7:42 - Nomar audibly gives not even the tiniest shit about any of this at this point.

7:43 - Lots of people in the pool at this point. Kudos to ESPN cameramen/director for not leering at the ladies.

7:44 - At least Berman doesn't try to shoehorn in current events. "He crushed that one like a car at the Tour de France!" "That ball was belted so hard it split Sudan into two countries!" etc.

7:48 - John Kruk announces he could go for some pork rinds, to the shock of literally no one.

7:49 - Gonzalez wraps up his final round with 11 dingers. Here's hoping Cano wraps this one up quickly so we can move along to looking forward to tomorrow night's slightly-less-meaningless festivities.

7:51 - Berman keeps referring to Gonzalez as a "Red Sock," singular, which either means he doesn't understand sports or doesn't understand English. There's a pick'em for you.

7:54 - It is revealed that there are cacti on either side of the ESPN announce desk. The production team was unable to locate napping Mexicans with serapes and oversize mustaches. Well, they located some, but Sheriff Joe shot them on sight.

7:57 - Pepsi has placed the "vacation Santa" from their "Take that, Coke!" ad campaign in the pool area next to a giant PEPSI logo. At least ESPN has held back on "Zookeeper" tie-ins thus far.

7:58 - They're playing Katy Perry's "Firework" which is unironically one of the best pop songs of the last few years. That's the most exciting thing that has happened in the past 20 minutes.

8:00 - "This is on its way to Flagstaff!" I guess he did read that article, after all! Everyone here owes Jon Bois a Coke! I mean Pepsi!

8:01 - Cano is going to win this. Which I guess Yankees fans will boast about when they miss the playoffs this year and/or get eliminated in the ALDS.

8:03 - ESPN is really pushing that we're supposed to be touched by Robinson Cano's terrifying-looking father pitching to him.

8:04 - Cano wins it with 12 in the Finals. Just a reminder: people presumably paid for tickets to this.

8:05 - Thanks for tuning in, BF readers. This was a good reminder than home runs, when removed from context or import, are usually super boring. Sleep tight, kids. And regarding the All-Star Game tomorrow: Go, National League! (Brian Wilson will blow the save.)

Blue Jays 7, Astros 5: Our Long National 0-8 Nightmare is Over

Breaking ball imo.

Imagine, if you will, that you are Houston Astros' right-hander Brett Myers. You are a major league baseball player, so your life should be a good one, but you pitch for the Astros, so instead it is misery. But not today: today, the offense has staked you to a 4-0 lead, and you have held the hometown Blue Jays off the board into the sixth inning. Sure, Jose Molina has just led off with a solid single up the middle, but you've got just the thing for that: you will compel Yunel Escobar to ground crisply to short, a perfect double play ball! And you actually manage to do it! But on this day, the usually sure-handed Clint Barmes forgets to shut the barm door, and it goes right through the wickets (this is not a mixed metaphor it is all literally true), and now you've got two on and oh shit that's Jose Bautista isn't it? 


Now open your eyes (I asked you to close them, right?). You are not Houston Astros' right-hander Brett Myers. Brett Myers is Houston Astros right-hander Brett Myers. But aside from that single detail, everything else that has just been imagined is all too real.


Bautista hit a three-run home run in the sixth and added a solo shot in the eighth -- and let us not overlook Escobar's blast in the seventh -- as the Blue Jays overcame some fair-to-moderate shakiness from Brendan Morrow and pulled this one out late. It was awesome. Jon Rauch did his best to blow it again but Ocatavio "Don't Ask" Dotel closed it out and I thank him for that; that's real to me. Coming into the game, Bautista was mired in his worst slump of the season, I think, 0-8 with a walk in there somewhere. But yesterday he came out clean shaven, perhaps in the interest of slump busting, and he went 3-4 with a single, those two home runs, 4 RBI, a stolen base, and he threw a dude out at third. Was the dude fat? Sure: it was Carlos Lee, who is listed at 6'2", 265 lbs. Was he probably actually safe? Absolutely. But whatever, Jose Bautista owns. That's 4.3 WAR on the season now, for those of you who are (sabermetrically) scoring at home. Also his beard was mostly back by the third.  


This is in all likelihood the only time I will be able to say this all season, so I'm just going to go ahead and say it: the Blue Jays are actually the hottest team in baseball right now, with eight wins in their last ten. They're only a-game-and-a-half back in both the division and the wild card. Playoffs? Almost a certainty. Almost.


KS 

What a Lovely Turn of Events

I should write negative BF previews more often. Just hours after posting my fears about the historically unkind bouncy-house known as Coors Field, the Giants went absolutely bonkers. Lincecum took a no-hitter into the seventh inning, while Nate Schierholtz (a notoriously light-hitting leftie whose only home run at the short-porched AT&T Park was an inside-the-parker) launched a ludicrous third-deck shot, one of three Giants taters on the evening. The good guys won by a final of 8-1, Tulowitzki went hitless, and Kung Fu Panda took three walks.

Pat Burrell picked up his fifth home run in nine hits, but his first non-solo homer of the season. It's always a blast watching Burrell launch his moon shots, because he has that humongous, goofy swing. He just goes WHAM, watches the ball only until he's sure it's not hooking foul, then stares at the ground and trots around the bases. He's so ashamed of his flashy displays of dingertry.

Looks like Cody Ross will be activated and Brandon Belt sent down today, which is fine. Let the bears pay the bear tax, I say. Here's hoping the Giants keep it up in "The Buckeye State," Colorado.