mathematically eliminated #15 the Milwaukee Brewers

With they loss today the Brewers are out of this shit. Prince Fielder is gone so they become a useless collection of useless fuckers to appease a white crowd. Ryan Braun is being hinted at a possible repeat as NL MVP. Let me just make this clear - fuck Ryan Braun, and fuck the Brewers. If there is any team whose history, uniforms, and star players reek of Aryanism, it is this team. I am glad they do not clutter up any postseason baseball with their innate ugliness.
Speaking of Fielder, I sometimes look forward to post-financial Apocalyptic America, because imagine the Tigers and Brewers teams fighting. And then imagine the city of Detroit fighting the city of Milwaukee, although I guess I shouldn't because I'm at first like, "Oh man, Detroit would kill them," but also Detroit is a dilapidated city and their wolve-human residents would have to ride in piecemeal old Ford cars like that Johnny Cash song where he stole one part a year, whereas Milwaukee would send tanks and shit into Michigan and probably broker some fucked up shady deal with Flint where the people of Flint stormed Detroit and there was massive rioting, and then Milwaukee tanks rolled in and just killed everybody and took over the city.
Of course Detroit, your stupid Robocop statue would do you no good then. But hey, you are still alive in this baseball season, have Prince Fielder's chunky monkey ass showing love, and Milwaukee is just riding out their last few games like a bunch of assholes. Makes me sad for Tony Plush though. I am always sad for Tony Plush though.

Brewers 9, Cardinals 6: That Six-Run Fifth Was Bananas

As hard as baseballs get hit, ever.

Much is rightly made of the Milwaukee crowd. They're crazy loud, for starters, and there are a lot of them, and both of those things are excellent, but what gets me is, who tailgates baseball at all, let alone with the single-minded intensity of Brewers fans? "The grills were smokin'," Bob Uecker reported about yesterday's pregame festivities. I bet! Sausages are the best.


I'll tell you who was not the best, at least not yesterday, was Zack Greinke, who recently denounced Chris Carpenter as "phony," which is pretty cold: six runs on eight hits and couple of walks in six innings is rarely going to get it done. Fortunately for him, though, Ryan Braun hit one out in the first -- Jaime Garcia responded by putting Prince Fielder on his considerable ass, although I can totally buy that it wasn't intentional, given that he was wild that entire inning -- and then the fifth inning was, as I may have already mentioned, bananas. If you haven't seen it, or if you have seen it, but without the accompaniment of Bob Uecker, you really should click here. Our highlight joins the inning already well under way, after a Cory Hart single and a double from Jerry Hairston; you'll see and hear the TBS call of Ryan Braun's ground rule double (what a crazy bounce!). Then you will hear Bob Uecker call Prince Fielder's two-run, Delgado-esque lined shot that leaves the ballpark as quickly as a baseball can do anything at all, really, and what I really love about the clip is not just how worked up Uecker gets, nor how worked up Fielder is as he crosses the plate and plays to the crowd and his teammates; the best part is just after that, when he's walking towards the end of the dugout, nobody else around him, and he's still completely riled up, as though all that other stuff he's done was for show, and now that he's alone he can really let go. Also stay tuned for Ueck's call of Yuniesky Betancourt's two run dinger: "HERE COMES YUNI BEEEEEEEEEE!" You will note that the mighty wallop was struck off of the hangingest breaking ball anyone has ever seen not just from Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, but, like, ever, as in ever ever.    


Despite the bananity of all of that, it could very well have been for naught, as Albert Pujols came up with two on and nobody out in the seventh. That he grounded into a classic, around-the-horn 5-4-3 double play to plate a run but end the threat of the big inning, was legitimately surprising to me, as I figured he would have launched one, you know? Since he is arguably the greatest right-handed hitter since Hank Greenberg? But double play ground balls happen, man, they just happen. What can be done? Here's a photograph of Albert Pujols from yesterday that I like -- it's not the double play ball; it's his single in the first, but here it is all the same:

I am all about pictures at the plate where you see the batter, catcher, and umpire all looking in exactly the same direction for a second. I can't say why. Also I am all about yesterday's game, and in this case I can say why: it is because it was so awesome and exciting.


KS

Brewers 4, Diamondbacks 1: Arguably, You Don't Pitch to Prince There

First pitch: Bob Uecker

Not that it mattered, much: the real mistake was probably pitching to Lucroy with two outs, Betancourt on third (from a triple! a triple that nearly killed Bob Uecker through excitement!), and the pitcher's spot due up next. Amazing, isn't it, that I can pay almost no attention at all to the National League all season, and yet front like I have a firm grasp on the strategies most appropriate to it as soon as the playoffs begin?


Anyway. Go Brewers. Also, please station paramedics immediately outside the radio booth. I worry that we almost lost Bob Uecker this afternoon, and this was only game one.

That's right: Bob Uecker.

KS

Blue Jays 7, Rays 3: This Is So Much More Like It, You Have No Idea

You got stuck in a rundown, and you can't get out of it.

Nobody knows exactly what hitting coach Dwayne Murphy said in the team meeting yesterday in which he is thought to have implored everyone to stop yapping at the umpires, except of course for me, with a big assist from both Imagination and the viewless wings of Poesy: "OK then (Jose Bautista), so everybody (Jose Bautista), I am going to keep this short (Jose Bautista), but (Jose Bautista) let's all just agree to lay off the umps (Jose Bautista), because it's getting out of hand (Jose Bautista), and we're getting the kind of reputation that's hard to shake (Jose Bautista), and the bottom line (Jose Bautista) is that it's not doing us any favours (Jose Bautista), so let's just cut it out. Jose Bautista." This issue had been troubling me, and so I am very glad that this has been dealt with.

I am equally glad that the Blue Jays avoided the four-game sweep last night by hitting everything. Ricky Romero once again looked slightly below his usual top-notch self: three runs over six is far from poor, but four walks to go along with six hits (including two Johnny Damon dingers, no less) and only two strikeouts is subprime Romering. But who cares? Every Blue Jay in the lineup last night had a hit, except for Dewayne Wise (did I mention Colby Rasmus is on the DL, and that that sucks?), but let's be reasonable in our expectations re: Dewayne Wise. It was just straight-up mashing of the best kind: Jose Bautista's thirty-eighth home run; Adam Lind's twenty-third; Kelly Johnson's three hits, including a triple; J. P. Arencibia's three hits, including a double, a triple, and a stolen base. All these things occurred, and owned. 


And the bullpen! Nobody would tell you the Blue Jays bullpen is anything but a butt, and so we should really show warmth and appreciation in the direction of Litsch, Janssen, and Francisco for allowing but one hit in three innings of relief last night, because it would have been depressing as hell to have blown that one, and don't act like it couldn't happen, because that sort of thing is happening on the reg/is killing me. Ricky Ro' is now a pretty choice 13-9 with a 2.84 ERA and four complete games (two shutouts). I know the advanced stats prefer Brandon "I'd rather look at the nerd stats" Morrow this year, bless his heart, and I am not a PITCHER WINZ guy by any stretch, but I just feel a whole lot better with Romero on the hill, friends, what can I tell you. The man is a bulldog out there, A Bulldog.   


In short, bring on the O's.


Hey also: I am not here to tell anybody how they would best enjoy the game of baseball, but let me say, you can do a whole lot worse than getting rid of all of your cable, giving our evil overlords at MLB twenty dollars to get access to every game on the radio (blackout free!), spending twenty minutes a day watching the luxurious and non-YankeeSox-centric game recaps at MLB.com (blackout free!), and checking in on whatever the MLB.TV free game of the day is (pending blackouts). It is seriously incredible how much baseball there is out there, and the kind of access we have to it. Being a baseball fan in 2011 is roughly a zillion times better than it was to be a baseball fan, say, twenty-five years ago. Let us not loose site of this (unless you really liked the Expos, I guess, in which case I would forgive you for loosing sight of this). Sometimes I think that the only thing about baseball that might not be as awesome as it was when I was a kid is baseball cards, but then you see something like the 2011 Topps Prince Fielder, and wonder if any baseball card has ever captured l'essence of its subject better:

Fattest vegan alive, friends; act surprised.

But then you remember, oh yeah right, his 2010 Topps:

Really, this got him beaned? Really? 

Anyway. Baseball. Let's hear it for it. 


KS

These Pitchers Are Good: Giants over Brewers, 2-1

Human anime character Ryan Braun's disappointment is palpable.

Do you know how many walks Madison Bumgarner has allowed since June 1? Two. Look at every one of his metrics besides W-L record and prepare to have your mind blown. Then look at his age. Yeah, that says "21." That sound? Your mind, being blown once again.

Do you know how many runs the Giants bullpen has allowed since the All-Star Break? One. You don't even know how amazing that is. Your puny brain can't even comprehend it.

Brian Wilson must have read my post-San Diego blog where I talked about what a lousy closer he is, because on Saturday night he threw a five-pitch save, and Sunday afternoon he struck out Fielder looking, induced a Rickie Weeks fly to right, and struck out Yuniesky Betancourt swinging. The Fielder at-bat was both his most important and best retired batter since a little gem you may remember:

The Giants pitching staff is so unbelievable that the Giants -- who have maybe two active roster members hitting above league average -- have the fifth-best record in baseball. They have taken 18 of 22 three-game series this season. THEY'RE WINNING GAMES WITHOUT RUNS. MLB should rename the Cy Young Award "The 2011 Giants Pitching Staff Award."

So the Giants remain four games in front of the Diamondbacks and helped the Pirates reclaim a share of first place in the NL Central. Unfortunately, the Giants have seven games on the road against the Phillies and the Reds. Who do the Diamondbacks play their next seven games against? The Padres and the Dodgers, that's who. Yeah. The Phillies series should be nice and gut-wrenching. It's really a worst-case scenario because the Giants will not be facing Cliff Lee nor Roy Halladay, who they really beat the piss out of. Please see below for photographic evidence.

It's going to be a crazy week, and the Giants may -- just may -- emerge on the other side of it clutching a shiny new Carlos Beltran.

- Bill

Live-Blogging the Home Run Derby or Chris Berman is a Fat Idiot

How do I shot dingerz

Home runs start at 8:00EST/5:00PDT.

4:51 - Really? The national anthem for this? Well all right.

5:00 - We're about to get underway. Strap in for two hours of lousy bands, terrible jokes, lots of Chris Berman, and occasionally a "home run." Spoilers: They're not actually home runs.

5:01 - They couldn't even get a name terrible new-country act for this thing, which should tell you a lot. When you can't even get Trace Adkins to appear on national television, you don't matter.

5:02 - The Diamondbacks' bobcat mascot -- yes, you read that correctly -- is TERRIFYING. Imagine if a furry's fursona was a baseball-playing Chewbacca. Now make it a nightmare.

5:03 - Scott Rolen's kids cover their ears, thus speaking for America.

5:04 - Chris Berman is pandering to the live crowd for some reason. Everyone hates him. "Are you guys ready for some long ball?" Yes, Chris. We didn't come for the lousy country-rock concert. Post-NutriSystem Chris Berman is so weird looking. Like, he lost a lot of weight but stayed roughly the same proportions. If he took his clothes off he'd look like his skin was made out of insulation and Oreo filling.

5:09 - As Matt Holliday is introduced and completely ignores everyone, Prince Fielder explains to his kids why everyone is booing him. Arizona demonstrates why they are the butthole of the nation by booing all the National League home run contestants, just because Fielder didn't pick a Diamondback for the Derby. I get it, I guess. I mean, Fielder made some weird picks, but what are you going to do?

5:11 - Nomar Garciaparra is amazed at how many players are sweating. I for one am looking forward to steady mansweat updates all evening.

5:13 - John Kruk predicts that Robinson Cano will hit a baseball into the pool in right field. I predict John Kruk will eat at least six gorditas during this telecast.

5:15 - In 2011, Billy Ripken looks more like Cal Ripken than Cal Ripken does. Berman says "Everyone is on their feet, as they should be." Yo Berman, it ain't the queen, it's Cal Ripken.

5:16 - WHY IS THERE A CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH

5:17 - Why is any of this stuff happening? No one cares. why aren't they swinging bats right this second

5:19 - In case you tuned in for the Home Run Derby, ESPN is now showing highlight packages of players who are not actually participating in the Home Run Derby.

5:20 - I've watched the Home Run Derby pretty much every year, and I think it's time to start renaming it "Let's look at baseball players' kids Derby"

5:20 - OH HEY WE'RE STARTING

5:21 - Adrian Gonzalez is up first and grounds out weakly, then pops one up. WOOOOOOOO

5:21 - Our first home run, just fair down the right field line. Not a single "backbackback" from Berman. We haven't heard "back" one.

5:22 - Kruk was right, the second home run of the night goes in the pool, but off the bat of Gonzalez.

5:23 - I think Berman isn't doing his "backbackbackback" schtick because of the three-man booth, not because it is the worst feat of announcing in history. Four-man booth, counting Jose Bautista. Everyone talking all over each other. Just a mess.

5:25 - First "backbackback" despite hardly anyone paying attention to what is actually happening. This is reminding me of a late-1990s Monday Night Raw, where there's an awesome Intercontinental Title match but the commentators just won't shut up about what the Undertaker's going to do during his confrontation with Kane later.

5:28 - Berman reveals that the "gold balls" -- balls that, if hit for a home run, result in a donation to charity -- contain actual gold leaf. Reminds me of the David Cross bit about eating gold leaf while the gold miner loses his limbs on the other side of the world.

5:30 - My inaugural complimentary statement about the Home Run Derby: I like the spray chart being shown after the batter is done with their round.

5:31 - Matt Holliday takes "I don't give a shit about the Home Run Derby" to the next level by having his pitcher be catcher Yadier Molina.

5:34 - What I'd really like to see is how Matt Holliday does in a "Touch Home Plate Derby"

5:35 -Sometimes I really want to like Lance Berkman, but he has two huge strikes against him. One: he plays for the Cardinals. Two: He looks like a Harvey comics character featuring some sort of strongman baby. Baby Muscles, they'd call it.

5:36 - First commercial break. Rickie Weeks is up next. Hope he bunts.

5:43 - Robinson Cano is crushing everything. Actually pretty awesome. The punchable-faced Shane Victorino is joining the booth, which reminds me of this:

5:46 - David Ortiz's accent is absolutely the best. Highlight: pronouncing Mark Teixiera's name as "tech-sarah"

5:47 - There is a gangly teen in the outfield who is at least a foot taller than all the other kids. He keeps making awkward catches and then dancing around like he's an honorary Crazy Frog Brother.

5:49 - Just had a terrifying thought about how the Home Run Derby could be worse: if John Sterling were the "play-by-play" man instead of Berman. Ugh. "Cano! ...Canoodles this one into the right field bleachers! Oh, Robinson! Rockin' Robinson! Cano believe it? nnnnIt is high...nnnnIt is far...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnRobinson!"

5:52 - Cano's done, now here's Weeks. Two meek popups and a fly ball and the crowd is really giving it to him.

5:53 - I love Rickie Weeks, but was Tsuyoshi Shinjo busy or something

5:54 - They're talking to Fielder about being booed as Weeks goes to 7 outs and 1 home run. I hope Fielder hits a hundred bombs in every round and asks Arizona how his ass tastes in his victory speech.

5:55 - My friend texts me with the pun of the night, suggesting that "Rickie Weeks" is what Julian Assange's website is called in Japan.

5:57 - Weeks finishes up with three home runs and a bunch of boos. Wild guess: the people who are booing have wildly unhappy lives.

5:59 - Here's an MLB commercial featuring a half-assed, poorly-autotuned collection of Jose Bautista home run calls. This is followed by a commercial for the final season of "Rescue Me." Not sure which is more up its own ass.

6:01 - More sweat talk! Chris Berman: "This is the definition of a 'four-shirt broadcast.'" Other Chris Berman activities that require four shirts:

- A trip to Buffalo Wild Wings

- A pool party

- Eating Doritos while watching NCIS

6:03 - Jose Bautista makes a couple of outs while ESPN shows us a wide shot of the field and some yellow lines.

6:04 - Bautista pauses to drink Gatorade and get advice from Ortiz and Cano. Advise, in a Home Run Derby.

6:05 - I hope Bautista finishes behind Weeks.

6:06 - OH MAN he just might!

6:06 - Well, he passes Weeks but just barely. He finishes with four, second-least so far. Top four hitters advance to the next round.

6:08 - Kemp vs. Ortiz next round. These two guys plus Fielder should be the best part, but the Home Run Derby is nothing if not endlessly disappointing.

6:13 - The current leader is Adrian Gonzalez, with 9 home runs. Who else misses steroids? Hint: not Albert Pujols! He's still on 'em!

6:16 - Matt Kemp is putting on a Home Run Derby appearance reminiscent of Brandon Inge's in 2009. Even his small child is mocking him.

6:17 - People of Arizona: "BOOOOO! BOOOOO! How dare you select the man who is second in the league in home runs for this home run contest?! Don't you know that Wily Mo Pena has upwards of THREE home runs! BOOOOOO"

6:18 - With 9 outs, Kemp cranks out two in a row, then pops up and goes, "Gdyawwwwww." Well said, Matthew.

6:20 - With just Ortiz and Fielder left to go, the bottom three are Bautista, Weeks, and Kemp, with 4, 3, and 2 home runs, respectively. I can't imagine Ortiz and Fielder will hit less than any of those.

6:21 - Ortiz up now, Fielder to follow. Finally, the answer to the classic battle, "Meat-eating juicehead vs. vegan juicehead"

6:22 - Andrew McCutchen joins the booth. If you're not rooting for the Pirates this season, man I just don't know. Also, if you don't think, "No deal, McCutchen. That moon money's mine!" every time he's mentioned...I similarly just don't know.

6:23 - Chris Berman leaps to assumptions that McCutchen must have admired David Ortiz from afar for a long time.

6:24 - Shots of Prince Fielder in the batting cage while Ortiz is hitting. It is a mystery to me why these guys say the Derby wears you out.

6:26 - Ortiz is at 4 home runs with 1 out remaining. He's not safe just yet.

6:27 - If Bud Selig really wanted to be radical, the Home Run Derby would determine home field advantage in the World Series.

6:28 - Ortiz finishes with 5 home runs. If Fielder hits more than 5, Ortiz and Holliday would have a "bat-off"

6:30 - wait a minute: this doctor in the Certain Dri commercial appears to be prescribing this product to attractive but smelly women that he has designs on! That seems unethical at best.

6:32 - More rousing boos for Fielder. "Arizona" is Spanish for "sour grapes" I guess.

6:33 - Prince Fielder might go down as the greatest fat muscle-bound vegan cheater showboating slugger of all time. (I love the guy.)

6:34 - It would be pretty awesome if the Giants could find $140 million in their payroll for Fielder next year.

6:35 - Home runs are down 40% from last year, but shockingly, "BACKBACKBACK"s are down nearly 70%!

6:36 - When even Chris Berman sounds bored, it's time to pack it in, fellas.

6:37 - Commentators saying Fielder is "Not tall, big." Does he also have a great personality? #fatshaming #nothowhashtagswork

6:38 - Fielder finishes at five home runs as well. A three-way Ortiz/Fielder/Holliday bat-off? Time to cross an item off my slashfic bucket list!

6:39 - They're describing Fielder's swing as "controlled aggression." Waiting for them to drop "testicular fortitude," "rabid wolverine," or "cerebral assassin"

6:43 - David Ortiz hits four home runs on five swings. Holliday had two, so Fielder needs at least three. Come on you cocky cheater, let's get this one done.

6:45 - LOL at the shot of Matt Holliday trying so hard to look like he doesn't care. Fielder eliminates him to be the last remaining National League guy, which was probably his plan all along. Which makes him the smartest man in baseball.

6:46 - Fielder goes 5 for 5 in the swing-off, and it was AWESOME.

6:47 - The semifinals will be Fielder, Ortiz, Gonzalez, and Cano.

6:48 - Chris Berman compares Fielder to "the boys in the Alamo, tryin' to fight 'em off!" I guess he's not to familiar with the fact that the state of Arizona is trying their damnedest to "fight 'em off" as we speak! (They hate Mexicans, is my general point.)

6:53 - Yo if the camera is on you and you're wearing a team shirt or jersey, pinching it near the letters with both hands and flouncing it up and down is like the bro-est thing you can do. Nothing makes you look like more of an assheaded schmuck, especially if it is a Sox or Yankees shirt.

6:55 - As Ortiz hits a home run, Berman squeals, "you can tell time by THIS!" apropos of nothing. what

6:56 - Ortiz asks them to turn on some home run hitting music. He then asks Adrian Gonzalez to fix him "my special shake I told you about" which he then follows with forty-five seconds of exaggerated winking.

7:01 - Heath Bell is walking around with a humorously oversized bat, cracking everyone up. This is the funniest thing to happen in baseball since Roger McDowell's hate-fueled homophobic rant in San Francisco. That guy's such a jokester!

7:02 - I believe "Fettuccini Alfredo Griffin" is Berman's first unnecessary pun nickname. Over two hours into the telecast! Chris Berman v2.0: now with a modicum of restraint.

7:04 - Robinson Cano really is hitting baseballs a real long way.

7:05 - One of Fielder's kids is hitting baseballs off a tee in the batting cage. Got a better swing than half the Astros lineup. Obvious jokes!

7:10 - Cano just won't stop hitting these g-d home runs.

7:12 - Looks like we're sticking with the three-man booth for the rest of the way. Cano's round brought out a plethora of "BACKBACKBACK" so here we go. For those of you watching along: guess the next Berman nickname. I'm guessing the obvious "Yo Adrian" and perhaps "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Fielder."

7:25 - Berman suggests an Adrian Gonzalez blast is "on its way to Yuma." Spoken like someone who didn't read Jon Bois's writeup at SBNation today.

7:28 - Gonzalez and Cano are tied at 20 home runs, so Fielder has to hit at least 15 to advance. Not looking good.

7:33 - Matt Kemp refers to his "homies" and Buck Gomez fights the urge to "slap him five"

7:34 - Yep, Fielder choked. Finals will be Cano and Gonzalez. Even the Home Run Derby manages to end up with ESPN talking about Yankees vs. Red Sox.

7:39 - In case there wasn't enough filler, here's a recap of the round you just watched.

7:40 - So they use a cumulative total for the first two rounds, but start a new home run total for the finals? Sure, whatever. Still shuddering thinking about John Sterling calling this.

7:42 - Nomar audibly gives not even the tiniest shit about any of this at this point.

7:43 - Lots of people in the pool at this point. Kudos to ESPN cameramen/director for not leering at the ladies.

7:44 - At least Berman doesn't try to shoehorn in current events. "He crushed that one like a car at the Tour de France!" "That ball was belted so hard it split Sudan into two countries!" etc.

7:48 - John Kruk announces he could go for some pork rinds, to the shock of literally no one.

7:49 - Gonzalez wraps up his final round with 11 dingers. Here's hoping Cano wraps this one up quickly so we can move along to looking forward to tomorrow night's slightly-less-meaningless festivities.

7:51 - Berman keeps referring to Gonzalez as a "Red Sock," singular, which either means he doesn't understand sports or doesn't understand English. There's a pick'em for you.

7:54 - It is revealed that there are cacti on either side of the ESPN announce desk. The production team was unable to locate napping Mexicans with serapes and oversize mustaches. Well, they located some, but Sheriff Joe shot them on sight.

7:57 - Pepsi has placed the "vacation Santa" from their "Take that, Coke!" ad campaign in the pool area next to a giant PEPSI logo. At least ESPN has held back on "Zookeeper" tie-ins thus far.

7:58 - They're playing Katy Perry's "Firework" which is unironically one of the best pop songs of the last few years. That's the most exciting thing that has happened in the past 20 minutes.

8:00 - "This is on its way to Flagstaff!" I guess he did read that article, after all! Everyone here owes Jon Bois a Coke! I mean Pepsi!

8:01 - Cano is going to win this. Which I guess Yankees fans will boast about when they miss the playoffs this year and/or get eliminated in the ALDS.

8:03 - ESPN is really pushing that we're supposed to be touched by Robinson Cano's terrifying-looking father pitching to him.

8:04 - Cano wins it with 12 in the Finals. Just a reminder: people presumably paid for tickets to this.

8:05 - Thanks for tuning in, BF readers. This was a good reminder than home runs, when removed from context or import, are usually super boring. Sleep tight, kids. And regarding the All-Star Game tomorrow: Go, National League! (Brian Wilson will blow the save.)

Brandon Crawford. Eli Whiteside. Giants Win, 5-4

Image courtesy of the incomparable Natto.

Brandon Crawford, promoted from high-A, hit a grand slam in his first major league game. Eli Whiteside countered Prince Fielder's forearm shiver with a Falcon Punch. The Giants win a vitally important game, and that is awesome.