mathematically eliminated #12 the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Somewhere towards the end of last season, Albert Pujols made that Sammy Sosa-like transition from baseball darling to evil cocksucker. So when he signed a majillion dollar deal to play for the Angels, it only made him seem worse. Thus the Angels season was a power struggle between Evil Asshole Under-performing Haha Stupid Angels and Young Kid Mike Trout Super Human Baseball Is Great memes. Personally, Mike Trout is too stereotypical a baseball player name for me not to assume he is a closet racist, rapes fat chicks for leisure on road trips, and is also a going to end up an evil asshole being he is young and malleable and under the tutelage of elder evil assholes of baseball like Pujols. Thus, the Angels not making the playoffs is really funny to me, like when the Red Sox or Yankees don't make it, just with a west coast flavor. Of course, you cannot make angry light of the Angels without mentioning how stupid the whole "Los Angelese Angels of Anaheim" thing is.
Also, Bobby Grich forever.

Cardinals 16, Rangers 7: I Think I Hate Narrative

guess where this one's going

So, after Game 2, which apparently St. Louis totally lost because Albert Pujols made a whisper of an error cutting a ball off on a bad throw from right in the ninth, Pujols, along with a couple of other Cardinals veterans, declined to speak with the media. This meant we were in for a couple of days of the dumbest possible stuff, if you are foolish enough to read the papers, which apparently I am. Here are the two things I learned about Albert Pujols in the last few days: (i) he is selfish, and (ii) he is definitely not a leader. These things we now know, because Albert Pujols did not make himself available to answer "how did it feel when you . . .?" questions after an awesome game where everybody should have had more than enough to write about. The biggest unanswered question coming out of all of this, in my view, has nothing to do with why Pujols misplayed the cutoff; it's why anybody would ever want to ask Pujols about anything in the first place, since he is amazingly uninteresting even by the lofty standard of uninteresting set by professional athletes. He's a proselytizing evangelical who is sure as can be that "everything happens for a reason," which is all well and good for him, I suppose, except that it means that there is only really one answer to every single question the man has ever been asked, and at this point we've heard it. "Albert, talk about [thing that occurred in a baseball game]," he is invariably asked, to which he reliably replies, "Well, everything happens for a reason and [brushes off rest of question]." And that's fine. I don't care that he's a bad interview. I don't care that he espouses a worldview that I do not share or that he spoke at Glenn Beck's big stupid thing. None of that matters to me in the least for one simple reason, and that reason is dingers (or, if you prefer, taters); he hits them, and they are awesome. 


And last night, of course, Pujols dingers were in glorious abundance, but it is clear that we are not going to be allowed to just enjoy those dingers qua dingers, but instead as part of a narrative unfolding between Albert Pujols and the media, in which media members themselves now get to be part of the story, which seems to run like this: "Albert Pujols was silent after his decisive error in Game 2, but his big bat spoke volumes to us last night and answered many of the questions we had about him and so maybe he is indeed a leader of some kind even though we were sure a minute ago that he wasn't and that he was instead a fraud of some type PS this is still totally about us." Please note that in the previous sentence I am at once quoting both nobody and everybody. Even my main man (well, he is certainly among my mainest of men) Dan Shulman couldn't avoid this kind of nonsense last night on the ESPN Radio broadcast, which was a little dispiriting (though I will not hold it against him, and in fairness he did preface the matter a couple of times with words along the lines of "not everybody will care about any of this, but . . ."). Anyway, there's nothing interesting here, really. I don't know why I'm carrying on. Sportswriters have long been the worst; they continue to be the worst; here they are being the worst, etc. 



But hey, how about Albert Pujols! Before last night, nobody in World Series history had ever had four hits, two home runs, and five runs batted in the same game. Pujols, last night, went 5-6 with 3 HR and 6 RBI. The only other players to ever hit three home runs in a single World Series game are of course Babe Ruth, who did it twice, and Reggie Jackson with his cool glasses and earflapless batting helmet, as well you know. It was easily the most amazing single-game World Series performance by a batter in my lifetime, and it totally felt that way while it was going on. It was still totally a game until Pujol's three-run shot in the sixth, too: 8-6 is workable, whereas 11-6 is entirely not. So while this was not Jackson's three home runs on three pitches in a 4-3 game, it wasn't an utterly empty three-homer World Series game (if such a thing is even conceivable). And fourteen total bases? Totally a record (wordplay).


Hey, you know who had an awful night? Mike Napoli: a swipe tag at first that should have been a double play had Ron Kulpa not missed it (great call on the Kinsler slide in Game 2; horrible call here), a two-run throwing error, and thrown at the plate (click here to see that play, and watch the clip all the way through to see Ron Washington, like gallop in sympathy and anticipation). That sucks.   


Finally, tremendous propers to ESPN Radio's Bobby Valentine, who mentioned early on, when Pujols was hitting but lowly singles, that Albert looked totally dialed in and was right on the ball. Valentine was of the opinion that sooner or later, Pujols was probably going to hit one out last night. Good eye, Bobby V!


KS

Cardinals 12, Brewers 3: Albert Pujols, Ladies and Gentlemen

Albert Pujols seen here looking insufficiently pleased with himself

Albert Pujols probably thinks it's cute that Ryan Braun is hitting .500 in the playoffs, but Pujols is hitting .556 now after last night's 4-5 with a home run and three fucking doubles. Poor Shaun Marcum, who just looks worn out, totally out of gas. I don't even know, man, this game was brutal. Let's just spend the off-day thinking about sausage races and reconvene tomorrow.

GO SAUSAGES

KS 

Brewers 9, Cardinals 6: That Six-Run Fifth Was Bananas

As hard as baseballs get hit, ever.

Much is rightly made of the Milwaukee crowd. They're crazy loud, for starters, and there are a lot of them, and both of those things are excellent, but what gets me is, who tailgates baseball at all, let alone with the single-minded intensity of Brewers fans? "The grills were smokin'," Bob Uecker reported about yesterday's pregame festivities. I bet! Sausages are the best.


I'll tell you who was not the best, at least not yesterday, was Zack Greinke, who recently denounced Chris Carpenter as "phony," which is pretty cold: six runs on eight hits and couple of walks in six innings is rarely going to get it done. Fortunately for him, though, Ryan Braun hit one out in the first -- Jaime Garcia responded by putting Prince Fielder on his considerable ass, although I can totally buy that it wasn't intentional, given that he was wild that entire inning -- and then the fifth inning was, as I may have already mentioned, bananas. If you haven't seen it, or if you have seen it, but without the accompaniment of Bob Uecker, you really should click here. Our highlight joins the inning already well under way, after a Cory Hart single and a double from Jerry Hairston; you'll see and hear the TBS call of Ryan Braun's ground rule double (what a crazy bounce!). Then you will hear Bob Uecker call Prince Fielder's two-run, Delgado-esque lined shot that leaves the ballpark as quickly as a baseball can do anything at all, really, and what I really love about the clip is not just how worked up Uecker gets, nor how worked up Fielder is as he crosses the plate and plays to the crowd and his teammates; the best part is just after that, when he's walking towards the end of the dugout, nobody else around him, and he's still completely riled up, as though all that other stuff he's done was for show, and now that he's alone he can really let go. Also stay tuned for Ueck's call of Yuniesky Betancourt's two run dinger: "HERE COMES YUNI BEEEEEEEEEE!" You will note that the mighty wallop was struck off of the hangingest breaking ball anyone has ever seen not just from Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, but, like, ever, as in ever ever.    


Despite the bananity of all of that, it could very well have been for naught, as Albert Pujols came up with two on and nobody out in the seventh. That he grounded into a classic, around-the-horn 5-4-3 double play to plate a run but end the threat of the big inning, was legitimately surprising to me, as I figured he would have launched one, you know? Since he is arguably the greatest right-handed hitter since Hank Greenberg? But double play ground balls happen, man, they just happen. What can be done? Here's a photograph of Albert Pujols from yesterday that I like -- it's not the double play ball; it's his single in the first, but here it is all the same:

I am all about pictures at the plate where you see the batter, catcher, and umpire all looking in exactly the same direction for a second. I can't say why. Also I am all about yesterday's game, and in this case I can say why: it is because it was so awesome and exciting.


KS

Cardinals 5, Phillies 3: Go Squirrel!

go squirrel go squirrel go squirrel

For the second day in a row, a squirrel -- the same squirrel? --- stole the show in St. Louis, and I am all for it, let me tell you. Tuesday night, s/he bombed around the infield and booked it down the left field line; last night, the marvelous creature you see in the above photograph made an appearance whilst Skip Schumaker took his cuts. Other cool things that happened: Shane Victoriano fell all over himself trying to get the ball back in from centre, and ended up throwing it behind him, which is not something you see every day; Albert Pujols pulled off the bag at first on a throw from short because he saw the runner at second breaking for third, gunned it, and got the out, which was amazing, frankly; Scrabble struck Ryan Howard out swinging in a key at bat late; and David Freese went berserk with a three-run home run and an RBI double. From that catalogue of notable occurrences, you might conclude that I have hopes for the Cardinals, but that is not in fact the case: it is entirely my hope and desire that Roy Halladay best Chris Carpenter Friday night in a winner-take-all showdown of former Blue Jays starting pitchers whom I will never forgive J. P. Ricciardi for losing. Play ball!


KS


UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE 


Here's Victorino:

also there is SQUIRREL GIF:

HERE HERE HERE is a link to some squirrel video, and below you will find an outstanding single frame from that video, which I have captured on my own using advanced computer technologies.

Cardinals 5, Phillies 4: Kind of A Hell of A Game, Actually

yer out

Stake Cliff Lee to a four-run lead early, and you're good to go, right? Apparently not so! The Cardinals put together a three-run fourth that ended with Jon Jay tagged out at the plate, gunned down, as they say, by Raul Ibanez to much bellowing of "Rauuuuuuuuuuuul." Or were they saying "Ruuuuuuuuiz?" As you can infer from the above photograph, it's kind of amazing Carlos held on, really. Jay brought the Cardinals even in the sixth, knocking in Theriot, and then in the seventh Pujols brought in the winning run. Notably, the win went to Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, who was repealed in the eighth in favour of Mark Rzepcynski; both of these fine gentlemen, as you will no doubt recall, were until quite recently members of your (which is to say "my") Toronto Blue Jays, and so are of particular interest go me. Good job, fellows! Also, the ESPN Radio broadcast kept talking about how Chris Carpenter was picked up for nothing after the Blue Jays decided to be dumb. That's totally what happened! I remember that vividly!


Also, and in closing, I hate Tony LaRussa, because he is literally the worst.


KS

Matt Kemp Beats Giants, 8-2

wheeeeee

Matt Kemp is really amazing. He's within spitting distance of the NL triple crown. Four points behind Braun for average, one home run behind Pujols, and leading the league in RBI. Not sure how anyone could possibly be considered for this league's MVP. He had three doubles and a home run tonight, and since the Giants offense consisted of solo home runs from Beltran and Sandoval, his one home run in late innings would have been more than enough for an easy victory. The Giants are really rotten, man. They stink on ice.

Let's hope the Diamondbacks make it quick and painless tomorrow night and really put a stomping on everyone to put the Giants out of their misery.

DO IT, JEFF FRANCOEUR

The other day, I heard on the radio that the only players with more extra base hits than Brett Lawrie in their first thirty MLB games were Albert Pujols and Jeff Francoeur, which sets some pretty broad boundaries, you know? But while Jeff Francoeur is quite famously not awesome, the above totally, totally is. 


KS