Phillies 3, Cardinals 2: Pitchers' Duel, Motherfucker

I left my heart in Ben Francisco and you know what, it was incredibly erotic.

If you wanted to be a jerk about it, you could point out that there were an awful lot of baserunners for a game that I am calling a pitchers' duel, but when you are scoreless headed into the seventh in the playoffs, then mister, you've got yourself a pitchers' duel as far as I'm concerned. Yesterday, the contemptible Tony La Russa, who is also a genius according to sportswriters who are fools, decided that there is just no way you can let a monster like Carlos Ruiz beat you, so you put him on, basically, never mind that, although the pitcher's spot is up next, Cole Hammels has thrown like 117 pitches so they would obviously go to the bench for a bat, right? You ignore that, because it isn't important. So then Ben Francisco comes up, and guides a three-run shot just over the wall in the left-centre, and that's pretty much the ballgame. Good game Tony! Really managed the shit out of that one! In his defense, it is entirely possible he was blinded by sublimity at the time. I mean, look:

Above: Baseball, a game played in the interest of awesomeness.

KS

Cardinals 5, Phillies 4: Kind of A Hell of A Game, Actually

yer out

Stake Cliff Lee to a four-run lead early, and you're good to go, right? Apparently not so! The Cardinals put together a three-run fourth that ended with Jon Jay tagged out at the plate, gunned down, as they say, by Raul Ibanez to much bellowing of "Rauuuuuuuuuuuul." Or were they saying "Ruuuuuuuuiz?" As you can infer from the above photograph, it's kind of amazing Carlos held on, really. Jay brought the Cardinals even in the sixth, knocking in Theriot, and then in the seventh Pujols brought in the winning run. Notably, the win went to Octavio "Don't Ask" Dotel, who was repealed in the eighth in favour of Mark Rzepcynski; both of these fine gentlemen, as you will no doubt recall, were until quite recently members of your (which is to say "my") Toronto Blue Jays, and so are of particular interest go me. Good job, fellows! Also, the ESPN Radio broadcast kept talking about how Chris Carpenter was picked up for nothing after the Blue Jays decided to be dumb. That's totally what happened! I remember that vividly!


Also, and in closing, I hate Tony LaRussa, because he is literally the worst.


KS

Tony LaRussa is a Terrible Person

Tony LaRussa signals for the rarely-used "double beanball."

In addition to my beloved Giants, I have been paying close attention to the NL Central race this season. The Reds, favorites to repeat as division champs, have fallen by the wayside, leaving a three-horse race between the lovable Milwaukee Brewers, the scandalous St. Louis "Yankees of the West" Cardinals, and the surprising feel-good story that is the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Although it does not seem as though the Pirates will truly be able to hang in this race, it has become vitally important that Tony "I Have Shingles" LaRussa's Redbirds do not advance to the playoffs. If it can't be the Pirates, I would love for it to be the Brewers that knocks them off their "perch" as it were. (birds) The Brewers and Cardinals went head to head over the past three days in a series that looks to have huge playoff ramifications.

Craig Calcaterra over at Hardball Talk has been breaking down the LaRussa news from the series extremely well, but I'd like to add my two cents on the matter.

To recap: last night's game went to extra innings. At one point, Pujols was up with two on and one out, and he leads the league in hitting into double plays. The Brewers pitcher accidentally plunked him, and LaRussa thought it was intentional. To "retaliate" he had his pitcher plunk Ryan Bruan to lead off the next inning. At a different point, Cards catcher Yadier Molina was called out on a close pitch and charged at the umpire, bumping him and covering him in spittle as he screamed at him in a display that would make any number of Alomars blush. At yet another point, Brewers fans were heckling LaRussa and one of them repeatedly yelled "I hope you get shingles again," which is hilarious but Tony felt it was over the line. As a show of gamesmanship, after the Cardinals won the extra-innings affair, LaRussa took the time to yell at and insult the fans behind the Cardinals dugout. What a leader!

Tony LaRussa has been labeled a "genius" by most baseball journalists. He's a "genius" in the sense that Phil Jackson is a "genius," which is to say that he's been fortunate enough to be the manager of teams with deep pockets, an embarrassment of talent, and well-stocked medicine cabinets. He piloted the juiced-to-the-gills Canseco/McGwire A's to three World Series in a row (and one title), then jumped to St. Louis, where the even-more-juiced McGwire revitalized baseball by having enormous forearms. He hung around until the Cardinals brought in a gigantic crop of mashers, and let the do-you-seriously-believe-he-isn't-on-the-gas Albert Pujols lead them to another couple World Series and another title.*

I'm not saying just anyone can have a pitcher bat in the eight-hole and let their chemical freaks pound on small-market teams, but LaRussa has a particular knack for it. He also has a knack for looking like a sore loser and taking himself too seriously at all times, even during victories.

Compounding the LaRussa problem is the fact that St. Louis fans have a reputati0n as being "the best fans in baseball" and have really let it go to their heads. Since about 2005, the Cardinals have slowly become the least likable team in baseball this side of the Yankess (and/or, depending on which side your bread is buttered, the Red Sox or Phillies). Even the contemptible Braves have a handful of people that are fun or worthy of rooting for. The Cardinals win with such a false veneer of "heh, had it all the way" that should only ever be present in the Bronx, and whine and cry whenever anything should dare not go their way. They even ran Colby Rasmus out of town on a rail when he (and his dad, to be fair) took umbrage with LaRussa or Cards brass, depending on which story your listening to.

But enough of me and my sour grapes. If the Diamondbacks sent a message in their "statement series" against the Giants, the Brewers unfurled a banner reading "HOW MY ASS TASTE" in twenty-foot-high letters and hoisted it above Miller Field this weekend. They lost a close game two, but came out swinging today, with Casey McGehee knocking three dingers and sent the Cards home in a huff. It was really, really awesome.

Lest I fail to mention it: not only did St. Louis send Rasmus packing before the trade deadline, but their big pickup was the .191-batting Rafael Furcal. That'll put butts in seats. You don't win titles with Furcals, QED.

* For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with PEDs, and I don't think they should be illegal, and I certainly don't think any athlete should be vilified for using them. If you think there's any professional athlete out there who isn't using SOMETHING, you're nuts. The only thing that rankles me is that Pujols has this squeaky-clean rep and is supposedly universally beloved, but the dude strikes me as twice the asshole Bonds ever was. Anyway, juice away, dudes. Chicks love the longball.

Aubrey Huff, Giants Brutalize Rookie Pitchers, Win 12-7

I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.

Well I'll be damned. The Giants got no-hit for three innings by call-up Lance Lynn while the Cardinals scored three runs and Jonathan Sanchez was turning in one of his Jonathan Sanchez-iest performances to date. But then Michael Tejada took a pitch off his helmet, and Aubrey Huff launched a bomb into the Cardinals bullpen to break the no-hitter and bring the Giants within a run.

Then...it got a little silly.

Jonathan Sanchez hit his fourth double of the year, Torres brought him home, Tejada ran the bases like some kind of savant, Huff blooped a single, and the Giants were ahead, 5-3. The next inning, LaRussa brought in another call-up. Eli Whiteside and Pat Burrell led off the inning with walks, Torres hit a double, and Freddy Sanchez of all people hit a three-run homer, and Huff went back-to-back with his second dinger of the evening. The Giants were up 10-3. Impossible. Unthinkable.

Since the Giants are the Giants, even a laugher can't be a laugher. Guillermo Mota served up a Colby Rasmus grand slam, making it a three-run game. Luckily, Huff jacked his THIRD HOME RUN of the game, his fourth in two games, his first three-homer game of his career. On his wife's birthday. 13 total bases, 4 hits, and 6 RBI for Huff Daddy, and a month's worth of positive regression in two days. Let's hope it sticks.

Taking three of four from the Cardinals in their house and finishing the road trip over .500 after losing Posey is ENORMOUS. They now play 19 of their next 22 in the bay area, and are back in first place by half a game. Hopefully they haven't tired themselves out scoring all these runs, but it is going to take a while to wash away the delicious taste of Tony LaRussa's shingles-ridden tears.

Giants Use Up All Their Runs for the Week, Beat Cardinals 7-3

KABLAMMO

So the Giants actually scored some runs against Genius Tony LaRussa and his Genius Band of St. LaRussas. Andres Torres mashed a grand slam and nearly lapped all the baserunners watching it go over the fence. Cody Ross clobbered a monster home run. Brandon Crawford got a key RBI. Madison Bumgarner was amazing, allowing only two runs, and those only came as the direct result of a horrifically blown call by an ump.

Even Tejada had a couple of singles, which of course came courtesy of the only way Michael Tejada can get a hit these days: a ground ball that manages to barely miss several gloves in succession. I would be worried about the fact that Tejada always seems to just get a couple singles right when his hitless streaks are about to become inexcusable, but beat writer extraordinaire Andrew Baggarly seems to get the impression dude's on the verge of either losing his starting job or getting straight DFA'd as soon as Pablo Sandoval can reasonably swing a bat again, which is a matter of weeks now. With recent call-ups Crawford and Burriss and the stalwart Mike Fontenot all contributing more to the team than Mikey T, it's hard not to agree. Even if you're Bruce "Gritty Veteran Fetish" Bochy.

Speaking of gritty veterans, Aaron Rowand took a pickoff throw directly to the dick yesterday, so he's questionable at the moment for today, but will be starting if his dick feels strong. Why will he be starting? His small sample size past success against today's Cardinals pitcher, of course. Bay City Ball today had a succinct post comparing the projected stats for Rowand against those of Belt. The results may not surprise anyone!

Good to see that the Giants just allowed the Marlins to sweep them in order to lull the Marlins into a false sense of confidence, allowing them to be repeatedly, utterly thrashed by the Dodgers and Diamondbacks. I'm just glad nothing bad happened during that Marlins series!

Anyway, these are the May 2011 Giants. Some days they can't score a single run against a mediocre pitching staff. Some days they hit grand slams. You know what doesn't happen on any days? Aubry Huff contributing. He was 0-for-4 yesterday with a walk, which I guess is good. He drew 83 walks and scored 100 runs in 2010. Baggs points out that in 2011, Huff's on pace for 49 walks and 43 runs. If you remixed all of Huff's at-bats this season into a YouTube video, it would sound like this:

popup popup popup
grounder, double-play
whiff whiff whiff whiff AARGH
popup double-play, weakly hit topper
whiff whiff swinging bunt
*REGGAETON HORN*