Giants Are a Bag of Butts, Lose 7-5

"What the dicks is this thing for?"

The first Astros batter of the game, the amazingly awesome Jose Altuve, hit his first career home run, a stand-up inside-the-park job, and it was game over from there on out. To the Giants' credit, they did not get shut out...a rare feat these days. In fact, they scored nearly three runs above what their second-half total has been thus far. The downside is that they have now used up all their runs for the coming homestand, which features another FOUR GAMES against these titans of offense, these unstoppable mashers, the Houston Astros. Also, Brandon Belt went 0-for-4, so we're never going to see him again.

Jonathan Sanchez is unable to start tomorrow's game, so the Giants will be getting swept behind the fearsome arm of whoever-the-hell, and we can put 2011 to bed. The Giants manage to keep pace with the Arizona Diamondbacks by no fault of their own, and it's clear that the NL West is full of despair and ruination and not a whole lot of good baseball. Just kidding, the Diamondbacks are a pretty solid team this year and only getting better in the future, and that is just the worst thing to realize late at night.

Giants Throw Three Bad Pitches, Lose 3-0

Oh yeah, dude. We're all REAL impressed.

On the surface, there are tons of things to be frustrated about: the Giants not being able to muster a single run against a Cliff Lee that really wasn't impressive last night, the fact that they didn't even get him over 100 pitches until the bottom of the ninth, Aaron Rowand and Cody Ross and everyone else in the lineup seeing the umpire calling inside pitches strikes ALL NIGHT, and still letting themselves get rung up on those pitches again and again and again, the Giants activating Mark DeRosa and sending Brandon Belt to Fresno AGAIN, and blah blah blah.

But you know what?

Madison Bumgarner shut down the Phillies' second-best lineup for six dominating innings after leaving two pitches up in the second and giving up two solo home runs. Santiago Casilla gave up his first run in a month. Hunter "Sure, This Lineup Scores 20 Runs a Game...But What if We Scored Twenty-Five?" Pence drove in two of the three runs. The Phillies looked touchable, but the Giants once again let their offense beat them. Three runs? Hey pal, we're not miracle workers.

It also helps that the Diamondbacks had the day off, meaning the Giants are still technically in first place.

Jonathan Sanchez returns today, meaning tonight's game is the true wild card. Will he pitch another no-hitter? Will he walk 12 in 4.2 innings? No one knows! (It's the second one.) With Cain and Lincecum pitching on Saturday and Sunday, a split is possible. A sweep is more likely. Bring on second place. We might overcome.

Giants Play Legitimate Baseball Game, Beat Reds 4-2

He's a good leadoff hitter, but the real money is in his hambone solos.

Early on, it looked like the same old, ridiculous Giants. Leadoff walk gets thrown out on a stupid steal attempt, a swing and miss on a hit-and-run, and Jonathan Sanchez walking batters who clearly couldn't even tell where the ball was going. But they turned it around and played a for-real baseball game. Huff got some hits and a couple of RBI. Schierholtz stayed in the game against a lefty and immediately lofted a sac fly for the go-ahead run. The defense was amazingly great behind a shaky Sanchez (pretty much the only guy who shows up these days). The Giants worked counts, the Reds made mistakes, and the good guys walked away with the win after outplaying Dusty Baker's lineup of mashers. Javier Lopez made Joey Votto and Jay Bruce look like they'd never held a bat before. It's a good win.

Pablo Sandoval comes back tomorrow as the Giants open a series in Arizona against the second-place Diamondbacks. A huge series. The Giants need some bats, and fast. Chris Stewart got the start at catcher yesterday and got a double, drew a walk, and gunned down a guy trying to steal second base. These are things that Eli Whiteside basically can't do. Stewart may have even blocked a pitch in the dirt at one point! Still, they need a for-real catcher. With Sandoval back and Fontenot coming back soon, it will be an interesting couple of weeks to see how Huff and the newly-arrived Bill Hall continue to perform. It will be July 31 soon, and the Giants will likely need a lot more help a lot sooner. It's scary, but it probably won't be dull.

- Bill

Boringest Story, Played on Least Interesting Guitar: Giants Lose, 2-1

'Bochy Prepares to Devour His Starter' - Goya, c. 1819-1823

The Giants had a second inning that consisted of a leadoff triple, followed by a double, before recording an out, and only scored one run. So it goes with a lousy, lousy, lousy offense. The Giants pitching and bullpen and defense (tonight at least) are so good that Jonathan Sanchez had a fairly crummy outing featuring a boatload of walks through five and only allowed two runs. Insurmountable. The Giants only -- only! -- left five on base tonight. The Nationals left eleven.So I guess they were technically less efficient than the Giants? That's something.

Get some bats, dudes. I can think of a dude you can use for trade bait. That Jonathan Sanchez guy. We've got Ryan Vogelsong now, and he's the new hotness.

Q: How do you erase the good vibes and fuzzy feelings associated with last night's instant-classic extra-innings victory?

A: Play a game like this.

WHAT IN THE: Giants Defeat Nationals 5-4 in 13 Innings

"Shpedoinkle!"

Unsustainable. Unbelievable. I don't know what the hell that game was. Time Lincecum struck out five batters through two innings, giving him exactly 1,000 career strikeouts (the fastest pitcher ever to 1K Ks), and then forgot what is a baseball game and coughed up four runs in the next two innings. I knew there was no way -- just no way -- that the Giants would score any runs in this game. Not with Tejada and Rowand taking up spots in the lineup. Not with Aubrey Huff being 0-for-13 since his three-homer game.

But the Giants scratched out four runs in the seventh and eighth innings. Even more importantly, the Giants bullpen was immaculate, combining for eight scoreless innings. Even Jeremy Affeldt -- who is basically just a left-handed can of kerosene -- had the best 1.2 innings I've ever seen him pitch.

It was an amazing, improbable game of the type that only the Giants have been able to crank out for the past two seasons. AT&T Park is filled with some insanely potent pixie dust (eight walk-off wins so far this season), but the Giants are in desperate need of offense, and soon.

Here's a rundown of the ways the Giants did NOT win last night's game.

- First Inning: Andres Torres gets a leadoff single. Freddy Sanchez walks with one out. The Giants do not score.

- Fourth Inning: Cody Ross gets a leadoff walk. The Giants do not score.

- Sixth Inning: Michael Tejada gets a leadoff bunt single. The Giants do not score.

(Now it gets silly)

- Ninth Inning: Andres Torres gets a leadoff walk. The Nationals pitcher couldn't locate the strike zone if he was Geordi LaForge bitten by a radioactive spider. Tejada delivers the hardest bunt I've ever seen on a 2-0 pitch, which should have been a double play, but first baseman Michael Morse goes for the force at first. Runner on second, one out. Pitcher is still effectively wild, and walks Freddy Sanchez as Torres steals third. Runners at the corners, one out. Cody Ross hits an easy double-play grounder, but the shortstop throws home and cuts down Torres. The Giants have runners on first and second. The Giants do not score.

- Tenth Inning: The Giants get a one-out single by Brandon Crawford, who takes second on a wild pitch. The pitcher is all over the zone this inning, but gets the .000-batting Chris Stewart to chase and strike out. Runner on second, two outs. Jeremy Affeldt comes to the plate and takes basically the ugliest swing in history at a ball a foot over his head. He looks at the next five pitches and takes his first walk since 2003. HIS FIRST WALK IN EIGHT YEARS. Runners on first and second, two outs, and Pudge Rodriguez is looking like the Canucks goalie behind home plate as every pitch is bouncing around like crazy. Still, Andres Torres swings at balls four, five, and six, and strikes out to end the inning. The Giants do not score.

So yeah, in terms of sheer ineptitude and feebleness with the bats, it's no wonder the Giants are constantly flirting with a negative run differential. It's no wonder that the vast majority of their games are one-run affairs. They invent whole new ways of not scoring on a daily basis. Luckily, Stewart was able to not swing at pitches in the 13th and get a leadoff walk, Tejada was able to run just fast enough to turn a double play into a fielder's choice, and Freddy Sanchez was able to flip a single into right field for the win.

Or maybe it's not lucky at all. Both teams were out of bench players and nearly out of pitchers. Bochy said after the game he was going to ask Tejada to pitch an inning when his bullpen ran out. That would have almost made TJ's contract worth it. Almost.

Aubrey Huff, Giants Brutalize Rookie Pitchers, Win 12-7

I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.

Well I'll be damned. The Giants got no-hit for three innings by call-up Lance Lynn while the Cardinals scored three runs and Jonathan Sanchez was turning in one of his Jonathan Sanchez-iest performances to date. But then Michael Tejada took a pitch off his helmet, and Aubrey Huff launched a bomb into the Cardinals bullpen to break the no-hitter and bring the Giants within a run.

Then...it got a little silly.

Jonathan Sanchez hit his fourth double of the year, Torres brought him home, Tejada ran the bases like some kind of savant, Huff blooped a single, and the Giants were ahead, 5-3. The next inning, LaRussa brought in another call-up. Eli Whiteside and Pat Burrell led off the inning with walks, Torres hit a double, and Freddy Sanchez of all people hit a three-run homer, and Huff went back-to-back with his second dinger of the evening. The Giants were up 10-3. Impossible. Unthinkable.

Since the Giants are the Giants, even a laugher can't be a laugher. Guillermo Mota served up a Colby Rasmus grand slam, making it a three-run game. Luckily, Huff jacked his THIRD HOME RUN of the game, his fourth in two games, his first three-homer game of his career. On his wife's birthday. 13 total bases, 4 hits, and 6 RBI for Huff Daddy, and a month's worth of positive regression in two days. Let's hope it sticks.

Taking three of four from the Cardinals in their house and finishing the road trip over .500 after losing Posey is ENORMOUS. They now play 19 of their next 22 in the bay area, and are back in first place by half a game. Hopefully they haven't tired themselves out scoring all these runs, but it is going to take a while to wash away the delicious taste of Tony LaRussa's shingles-ridden tears.

Giants Lose 5-3, Drop to Second Place

It ain't your fault, Dirty. Well, unless we're talking about why the Giants lost today.

For the first three innings, the Giants offense did everything right. For the first seven innings, the Giants defense did everything right. It should have been a 3-1 victory behind Jonathan Sanchez's best start this year by miles and miles. Instead, Bochy leaves him in too long (sound familiar?), and Sanchez wings a sac bunt into right field and there you go.

The good news is that the Giants don't have to come back to the pee-pee soaked heck-hole that is Coors Field until September. The bad news is that Bruce Bochy doesn't know when to go to his bullpen, or who to bring in when he does. When he finally yanked Sanchez in a 3-3 tie in the eighth, he brings in Javier Lopez -- who is awesome and I love the guy -- to face two right-handers before the lefty, Carlos Gonzalez. (Right-handers are hitting .360 against Lopez.) Gonzalez got just the third left-handed hit against Lopez this season but it shouldn't have gotten that far.

Honestly, it's not Bochy's fault Sanchez can't buckle down and handle his problems. But it's a tough pill to swallow the day after the Lincecum fiasco.

Whatever man, it's not the end of the season. But...man. Just so disgusted with these dudes right now.

Giants Do It For Willie, Beat Rockies 4-3

PUMPED

On Willie Mays' 80th birthday, on the day that was declared Willie Mays Day by the mayor of San Francisco, on the day where the Giants are playing their 11th game in a row after a flight from New York last night with the team mired in a hellacious slump on all fronts...there was a stunning, come-from-behind storybook evening. A game that was won on deep at-bats, clutch hits in late innings, sparkling defense, and unlikely heroes. It was...perfect. Eventually, anyway.

Matt Cain pitched 7 strong but gave up three runs to the Rockies, including giving up Troy Tulowitzki's 100th career tater. Unfortunately, the Giants looked as pathetic as ever on offense, going without a hit against Ubaldo Jiminez through the first four innings.

That doesn't really tell the whole story, however. The Giants had really fantastic at-bats all evening. They got Jiminez up to the 100 pitch mark in no time, made him throw a 20+ pitch first inning -- something the Giants never, EVER do -- took a ton of walks even before they got a hit, and just looked unlucky, getting the living daylights BABIP'd out of them. They were blistering pitches, just right at people. Rockies fielders waved their gloves blindly at seeing-eye grounders, which would seeing-eye right into the webbing. The breaks that Giants usually have go against them kept going against them.

BUT THEN in the sixth inning, Operation: Bat Mike Fontenot Third paid off yet again, with the hammerin' Hobbit getting a leadoff triple, then coming home to get the Giants on the board on Posey's fielder's choice. Huff struck out and Pat Burrell picked up his third walk of the night. with two on and two out, Nate Schierholz grounded out. Fontenot also contributed with an AMAZING defensive play in the top of the seventh inning. Mike Tejada had a leadoff single in the bottom of the seventh inning, but karma kicked in and he was left stranded as the Giants got three straight outs.

BUT THEN in the bottom of the eighth, Fontenot flied out, Posey got a big opposite-field single (a "Posey Special"), and Aubrey Huff struck out. With two outs, Pat Burrell had a grinder of an at-bat, then belted a double to Triples Alley (irony!), and a cannon-armed toss held up Posey at third. Darren "Vroom" Ford came in to run for Burrell and here was Nate Schierholz again, batting with two on and two out. He had yet another great at-bat, and doubled down the left-field line and plated both runs, tying the game.

Brian Wilson came in to pitch the top of the ninth, looking like Saturn about to eat his kid's heads. He tossed a seven-pitch inning and then here came the Giants again. Late replacement and slumper supreme Cody Ross led off the bottom of the ninth with a double down the right-field line. Aaron Rowand struck out (on a low slider, shock of shocks), and OTHER supreme slumper Freddy Sanchez came up. With the crowd rocking and rolling and chanting "FREDDY, FREDDY," Sanchez slapped a ball up the middle, just past Tulo's glove and into center field. Ross came roaring around third and scored standing up, one exultant fist held high.

The fireworks went off, Tony Bennett sang, the Giants hopped up and down and whooped and hollered, and I like to think Willie Mays was watching it all with a smile on his face. Earlier today, a thousand sports writers typed tens of thousands of words about what the Say Hey Kid means to baseball, and what he has meant to sports fans and to the world for about the past sixty years. Before the game, Willie shed a few tears as he chatted with his friends and teammates from the Black Barons, and with McCovey and Alou and Gaylord Perry, and listened to glowing words from Jon Miller and Lon Simmons and Tony Bennett and Barack Obama and Bill Clinton and Hank Aaron and Bill Cosby and forty-something thousand fans whose hearts swell with pride knowing that he belongs to them and vice versa, forever. And late tonight, at 24 Willie Mays Plaza, in the most gorgeous ballpark in baseball, a bunch of beat-up and dog-tired slump-stricken ne'er-do-wells -- and defending World Champions, as unlikely as it still seems -- came from behind to beat their hottest division rivals, and bring joy to the hearts of San Francisco fans all over again.

Say Hey! Thanks, Kid.

Giants Avoid Sweep, Fall to Mets 5-2

Babe Fontenot

That was...decidedly less fun.

Once again, the Giants fail to sweep, but end up coming off their ten-game road trip going 5-5, and I'll take it. How they managed to win five games playing as badly as they did for the past two weeks either says a lot about how good the 2011 Giants are, or how bad the 2011 Pirates, Nationals, and Mets are.

Operation: Bat Mike Fontenot Third continues to bear fruit, with Lil' Fontie going 1 for 2 with two walks and a big fly. Huff went hitless again, and the B-squad of Whiteside, Schierholz and Burriss did about what you'd expect. (Nothing.) Cody Ross continues to come up short in big situations, even after shaving and going to long pants. WHAT ELSE CAN HE DO YOU GUYS

The real loser was Jonathan Sanchez, who turned in what, honestly, was probably only his third-most Jonathan Sanchez-esque outing this season, walking the eight and nine hitters with two out before giving up a triple to Jose Reyes, and giving up a rare home run to Carlos Beltran. He continues to be all over the place, walking scores of hitters. To make matters worse, he didn't bother running on a terrible, terrible bunt attempt and bunted into a "lol we've got all day" inning-ending double-play. Bochy openly yelled at him in the dugout after that, and I hope he used his choicest and most insulting cusses. Bochy is scheduled to have a "private meeting" with Sanchez in the next couple days, and I'm going to assume that means taking him out back and giving him a blanket party.

Hank Schulman is under the impression that Mark DeRosa will be getting a chance to replace Mike Tejada at third base. That's fine in theory, as a trained sea elephant and most untrained walruses could turn in the type of performance that Tejada has shown thus far, but Mark DeRosa is essentially Mr. Glass from "Unbreakable." If he lasts a month without going on the DL again I'll be shocked.

The esteemed Mr. Tejada went 0 for 4 yesterday, notably coming up in the top of the ninth with the Giants down three runs, 1 out and the bases loaded. He struck out. It should be noted that he worked the count and did not ground into a double play, so the argument could be made that this is a vast improvement. It should also be noted that the next batter was pinch-hittin' Buster Posey, who grounded out. But it should ALSO also be noted that Tejada stinks and I can't imagine the Giants aren't thinking about cutting their losses and going with Sluggin' Mike Fontenot and whatever else they have once Sandoval returns from having surgery on his hamate bone. (It's the bone Sandoval uses to eat ham, so you know it's got a lot of wear on it.)

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS

woof

That was one of the ugliest, craziest games I have EVER seen. Giants defense allowed 9 walks, 3 hit batsmen, and an error...and two hits. Giants offense got 8 hits, was 1-for-9 with runners in scoring position, and got their runs on a solo homer by Eli Whiteside and a pinch-hit bases-loaded walk by Aubrey Huff.

The Giants were doubled off on second base on a 1-4 putout. Yeah, I don't know how to describe it. Brian Wilson recorded a save while giving up two walks and a HBP. Seriously, if you can find a way to watch this game, I recommend doing so. Especially if you're not invested in either the Giants or Nationals. Then you can be free to just laugh and laugh. Jonathan Sanchez and Brian Wilson were effectively wild, but check out that ump's strike zone above. Just ludicrous.

The Giants hottest hitters right now are Aaron Rowand, Eli Whiteside, and Mike Fontenot. Posey snapped his slump today and picked up two hits. You know who's not hitting well right now? Mike Tejada.

Oh, and Pablo Sandoval joins Andres Torres, Barry Zito, and Mark DeRosa on the DL with a broken bone in his right hand. Not...not good. Still, the Giants have managed to win three out of five games on this road trip thus far, so one can only imagine what this team is capable of when they have an offense.

FIRST GAME OF SPRING TRAINING YEAAAHHHHH

We're about four hours from the first San Francisco Giants spring training game of 2011. I don't know whether it will be broadcast on the KNBR website, or on XM, or if it's only on that mlb.tv scam*, but I have a hunch that it probably won't be shown on TV here in the backwoods of Los Angeles.

It's a hell of a thing. The Giants will be starting a mix of World Series Champion stars and Aaron Rowand, and Lincecum will be starting on the hill for an inning or two. It's terribly exciting. Look at that picture up there! The San Francisco Giants won the World Series last year. THEY DID THAT. At this time last year, they were expected to finish third or fourth in the division.

Spring training and 2011 baseball opens here and expands before us, people. Will Mark De Rosa's wrist disintegrate when he fields his first short-hop? Will Pablo Sandoval's girdle burst open at an inopportune time, revealing that he fooled us all during the offseason? Will Jonathan Sanchez be the new and improved Jonathan Sanchez from the first 150 games of 2010, or will he turn into Todd Wellemeyer, Part 2? There's so much we don't know.

I will certainly try to catch as much spring training as I can. Hopefully Buster "What it is Right Now" Posey and Brandon "The Risen Christ" Belt will knock the cover off the ball and make everyone else on the team look like a pile of Aaron Rowands. Whatever the case, go Giants!

And more importantly, go baseball. Go baseball.