mathematically eliminated #16 the Arizona Diamondbacks

And though they still haven't even finished playing tonight, by virtue of the Cardinals beating the Nationals, that fake team from out west that doesn't really exist - the Arizona Diamondbacks - has been officially eliminated from postseason contention, and any possibility of winning a World Series this year.

That was I wrote on Friday night before the Diamondbacks game was even over, but then it started raining and my satellite internet went wonky. I only have satellite internet, there is no alternative other than dial-up. I live in a rural area, which is fine, fuck your cyber 4G shit which doesn't make sense to me. I raise animals and eat them and grow my facial hair as wild as a blackberry bush and if it scares you then so be it.
I had looked up pictures of giant diamondback snakes, being caught and killed, being milked for venom, being poisonous crazy beasts. It is odd, in the wild the poisonous dangers are fairly obvious - snakes with rattles or mushrooms with red caps. It is in this invisible cyber world where the dangers are hidden in plain sight, unseen yet fucking up our primordial beauty even more.
Of course all of this is why Michael Morse is my favorite player ever right now. He looks somewhat caveman-like and he is tapped into that primordial tradition, through a baseball sense. You should google that wacky pretend home run last night, as it was fairly amazing. I do not mean to give you a link because I am pretty much done with the internet for the day. I am playing a James Taylor record on actual record (Mud Slide Slim - a classic Sunday morning lounger), and am about to cut two acorn squashes and three carnival squashes in half and bake those fuckers in about a half of inch of water with apple cider vinegar, then scoop it all out and make a dope ass fall squash soup motherfuckers. Today will be chill as fuck.

Sad DC 14-9

2 of the 29 people who came out for the home debut of The Ultimate Harper

who spent time playing softball by the Washington Monument

and is fucking awesome

Still the Nats lost to the stupid Arizona Diamondbacks

which sounds like a team from the Kenny Powers show

not an actual MLB baseball team

fuck Bud Selig

who is not fucking awesome

Brewers 3, Diamondbacks 2 (F/10): The Best Game

Not pictured: Bob Uecker, pleased

In the end, it was totally worth seeing the Diamondbacks tie it up in the top of the ninth on a safety squeeze, and add insult to injury with another ridiculous snake gesticulation (how I loathe "The Snake" -- say what you will about the Brewers' "Beast Mode," which is itself far from ideal, but I will take it over what basically amounts to this any day). Because holy cow, what a finish: ex-Regina Pat Nyjer Morgan, who you almost certainly know better as the ineffable Tony Plush, dribbled a single up the middle to bring Carlos Gomez, who had singled and stolen second, racing home ahead of the throw to the plate. It was awesome, an awesomeness rendered truly sublime by the even-more-ecstatic-than-usual Bob Uecker. Then Nyjer Morgan said "fuck" a lot on mic, and revealed in the post-game press conference that his greatest motivation is his desire to show the haters he can play this game. It was more than any of us could have ever asked for.


Have I mentioned Chris Young's catch? It is shabby of me if I have not, because it was pretty incredible, even though nobody will end up caring because the Diamondbacks lost.


Anyway: loved this one, absolutely loved it. As tight and tense a playoff game as you could ever hope to see.


KS

Diamondbacks 10, Brewers 6: This is Unacceptable

Unacceptable.

This has to stop. I totally get that the Diamondbacks had a worst-to-first turnaround, and they're an exciting underdog team, and they're hitting tons of home runs this series (including grand slams two nights in a row, which is something), and they've even got a couple of recently departed Blue Jays on the roster (Aaron Hill can still hit sometimes, looks like), so there is really no reason for me to feel this way. But, again, this has to stop. Because I hate it. Happily, the Brewers were a ridiculous 57-24 at home this year, and game five is indeed in Milwaukee, so things are looking up, a little, maybe?


KS

Diamondbacks 8, Brewers 1: shaunmarcum.gif

Not the homer, but still

In the fifth inning last night, Paul Goldschmidt hit grand slam off of former-Blue-Jay-of-whom-I-am-still-fond Shuan Marcum, as you can see from the following animated gif:

I tuned out in the eighth, with Ueck standing upon the perilous edge of going full Harry Doyle.


KS

Brewers 9, Diamondbacks 4: I Totally Didn't Catch Any of This One But Here Are Some Sausages

GO SAUSAGES!

KS

Brewers 4, Diamondbacks 1: Arguably, You Don't Pitch to Prince There

First pitch: Bob Uecker

Not that it mattered, much: the real mistake was probably pitching to Lucroy with two outs, Betancourt on third (from a triple! a triple that nearly killed Bob Uecker through excitement!), and the pitcher's spot due up next. Amazing, isn't it, that I can pay almost no attention at all to the National League all season, and yet front like I have a firm grasp on the strategies most appropriate to it as soon as the playoffs begin?


Anyway. Go Brewers. Also, please station paramedics immediately outside the radio booth. I worry that we almost lost Bob Uecker this afternoon, and this was only game one.

That's right: Bob Uecker.

KS