NATS (65-45) WORSE THAN GIANTS TWO DAYS AGO

 Strasburg's sixteenth win 
 did not happen, Giants scrapped 
 together a win 

 might this be playoff preview? 
 I hope Strasburg's loss was not 

NATS (52-36) BETTER THAN METS THREE DAYS AGO

 Stephen Strasburg is 
 an unstoppable force of 
 dominant presence 

 (I hope he doesn't break in 
 half before October though) 

NATS RISE TO GLORY game ten

Check this out - I didn't even have to look the game up because the chick from high school posted on her FB "Another curly W" with the W as the Washington hat. So I know they won. That's modern news bruh - somebody shares a dumb picture on social media & you're straight.
So Nats previously won 1 out of 3 each series, but open this what I'm assuming is a 4-game set with a win. They haven't impressed, at least not on paper (lol like I been looking at the paper), and yet they are 4-6. That's the fucked up thing nobody ever tells you openly about baseball - it's this giant long marathon of being barely better than everybody else's mediocre. That's all. Nobody wins 120 games. Barely above mediocre. Essentially it's a big long slogging heroin nod through the regular season, try to stay barely above mediocre or perhaps even slightly better, get into the playoffs, and then shift into over-thinking retard chess mode of baseball playoffs, plus get lucky, and win. Then you have achieved glory. So despite a less than impressive first two weeks, these Washington Nationals are right on schedule, if you ask me. (Fuck you if you don't ask me. Uppity fucker.)
Nats are 4-6.

I guess I should offer my valuable insight into the Stephen Strasburg shutdown debate as well

So it seems to me the biggest argument against the Nats shutting down Strasburg is that, hey, this just might be their year. Forget the fact they very purposely built towards having a long run of their years, which was supposed to begin next season. So really, they’ve done their job better than expected, and are reaping the rewards. Now in most professional cases, the response would be, “Oh cool, you’re really good at what you’re doing. I think I shall trust your judgment on matters pertaining to these continuing endeavors. Great job, brocephus.”
Except this is the baseball, a game worshipped by armchair theoretical physicists with two external hard drives full of sortable spreadsheets chock stuffed with obscure yet important data. However, these amateur statisticians, for whatever reason, very commonly are seduced by the lustful ramblings of strange fairies from the deep dark woods where Babe Ruth’s home run bats were hand-hewned by magical elves who understand the ways of baseball far more than us normal men ever could. And these strange fairies whisper unto the ears of every baseball player, pundit, blogger, and traditional newspaper columnist, “How dare these Nationals of the Washington shut down Stephen K. Strasburg, for this could be their magical year,” and then they laugh a laughter that sounds like feral children raised by coyotes playing “squirrel hunt” together. And yeah, I guess it makes sense if you believe in magical nonsense and all that shit. And sure, even Tommy John, who one would illogically assume is the ultimate authority on Tommy John Surgery, said Strasburg should keep pitching. Except, of course, Tommy John is not actually a surgeon; he is Tommy John, the guy who first had his elbow re-manufactured from Estonian parts.
But here is the one thing that keeps coming up in my mind (other than the aforementioned “If the Nats have proven ahead of schedule they know what the fuck they’re doing, then why would you question what they’re doing?”), over and over, that I’d ask you to riddle me if you will…
If this truly is the Nats one and only chance and the great magical year for their entire franchise’s existence and city’s existence to be remembered by baseball forever, then why the fuck would it matter if Strasburg plays again or not? If this is their chosen year, by magic and the universe, what slight is put upon magic and the universe that would cause them to be like, “Oh wait, fuck these Nats,” if Strasburg sat out the rest of the magical, destiny-soaked ride they are enjoying? What the fuck?
The whole thing is so stupid because it assumes the team is just along for the ride, that there’s not a ton more swirling around this franchise than Strasburg alone. Sure, he is a major part of the story, and along with Bryce Harper, the youthful double-face of this franchise’s future, but still, come on.
Basically what I think I’m saying is shut the fuck up everybody. I do not need to know everybody on earth’s opinion of how much Stephen Strasburg should pitch or not pitch. And while I believe in magic far more than the 500-page file on Tommy John surgery statistics the Nats allegedly have somewhere as guidance on this matter, I also believe enough in magic, and can recognize how magical this season has been, that one dude is not going to fuck it up by being gone. Baseball is so stupid with it’s “don’t jinx the no-hitter” and eating spaghetti before away afternoon games and all that hooha. And celebrity conjecture posing as serious analysis on Stephen Strasburg’s bionic elbow has just really gotten on my fucking nerves.
Also, fuck Chipper Jones. There, I said it. He looks like an asshole, and just because an asshole gets old doing the same thing over and over does not mean he is no longer an asshole, or at least looks like one.
Also here are some other baseball-related things I want to say fuck you too as we enter this postseason 2012, the year of our Magical Fairy Elves blessing the Nationals into the playoffs first time ever I MEAN EVER:
- that bowtie chump on Fox baseball
- all five Sam Malone from Cheers wannabes that host the pre-game/post-game thing, whose names I never remember other than they all sound like a pack of date-raping Theta Chi members I’d fistfight with drunkenly on my drunken way home from hanging out at a real bar, not some chump ass frat party
- the Yankees always and forever, especially A-Rod but really all of them
- people who think Bartolo Colon is somehow not as awesome as he was last week
- Presidential Election commercials on TV during baseball which is already hard enough to follow for a whole game without giant “PLEASE TURN OFF THIS MACHINE AND MOVE TO NORWAY BEFORE AMERICA IS EVEN STUPIDER THAN IT ALREADY IS” ads in between every half-inning
- and a bunch of other things most likely

2 Things 2 Remember

So I was barely awake after the 4 hour beginning of the All-Star game the other night, but luckily caught life towards the end of the NL reserves being announced, and there they were, side by side, Harper and Strasburg. I was still half-dullard from both my napping as well as the harsh consequences of the life I've led, but my brain sharpened up with the reality that this is real. We had been conjuring up fantasy images for a couple years, about what could be, what might happen, and then there they both were, All Stars, together.
(Not to be forgotten is Gio standing on the other side of Strasburg, and dare I say Gio Gonzalez may be my favorite solid bro on this Nats team.)
Secondly though, as the deliriums of "STRASBURG! HARPER!" dances through the minds of long-tormented Washington sports fans, who would have little in their life to reminisce fondly of had Joe Gibbs never been born, and we think to ourselves, "The Nationals have the best record in the National League, halfway through the season" and start to imagine imaginary imaginings, it is important to remember this wasn't even the time for this to have fermented. Strasburg will be shut down as he should, and Harper is still 19. There legitimately should be no World Series this year for the Nats. I mean, come on. Don't be greedy.
But there seems to be a process of contention/playoffs/World Series that every franchise must navigate if they are building (unless they are the Marlins who just sort of pop in and out of the World Series every so often like magic unicorns), and perhaps we do make the playoffs and give this young ragtag collection of oddballs, castoffs, and top prospects a little post-season seasoning. I have not forgotten that at the beginning of the season on this blog I was charting the path to .500 every 16 games. They should be able to hit their target for this season, so everything else will be extra slices of blueberry pie, so to speak.
Also, of course, this is DC sports, so some terribly stupid tragedy could happen and derail the whole thing by the middle of August. But hey, let's enjoy the moment.

Curly W 11-4

I did not know "Curly W" was a thing the radio guy said but apparently it is

another thing they've tried to push on people this year is NATTITUDE!

which has been translated as dumbass fans where dumbass shit

Nattitude is corny as fuck yo

you can't push crazy, you have to grow crazy

trust me, I've been growing it for 39 years

CASUAL WASHINGTON NATIONALS ROSTER PREVIEW

I am a casual baseball fan, at best, and adopted the Nationals as my own the day they moved to D.C. from Montreal, though technically it took them more than a day to move there, plus unpacking, and picking which lamp looked best in the family room, etc, etc. But I have contemplated even getting that “listen to MLB games on the interwebs” thing, though I probably won’t because let’s be honest here – am I gonna listen to old dudes describe baseball games or scour music blogs for obscure Iranian psych-funk from the early ‘70s? What is this – 2012 or 1943?
I thought though that it would be important, in this year of Nationals Hope that Something Great is Beginning, where even the possibility of playoffs has been bandied around like slop rags at a Tijuana donkey sex show, that I should go through the roster, and share my thoughts.

PROJECTED LINE-UP POSITION PLAYERS
SS IAN DESMOND – One of the dudes who is supposed to be awesome who has not gotten awesome yet. Baseball is full of guys like these. His name is Ian, which judging from the baseball card collection of my youth, is a promising name for a solid middle infielder.
2B DANNY ESPINOSA – He is the other guy who is just like Ian Desmond. I guess if one of them ends up awesome, this is great, and they are both still considered young and developing by baseball standards. But also the dudes who put together baseball teams will always be like, “Oh shit, that dude is a motherfuckin’ crystal cut diamond in the rough, you wait and see,” and you wait and wait and don’t ever see shit.
3B RYAN ZIMMERMAN – Just re-signed to a gazillion dollar contract, but is a solid dude, so I don’t mind. The kind of guy you can feel good being the veteran star of your team, although there is a certain Will Clark Bomb aspect to Zimmerman where we might find out in ten years he hates anybody who is not white and used to throw fried chicken at Dmitri Young in the locker room. Of course, perhaps out of stubborn militant pride, Dmitri Young gave up fried chicken, which is why he lost so much weight there that one magical stretch. Where is Dmitri Young? He should be our AA batting coach. I hope he was. I think a few four-hour bus rides sitting next to Dmitri Young going from Bumfuck, Pennsylvania, to Bumfuck, Virginia, probably would’ve been very good for Bryce Harper.
LF MICHAEL MORSE – Sort of came out of nowhere last year to be good. Unfortunately, contrary to what those dudes who put together baseball teams will tell you, in 2012 this is not always indicative of someone finding their stroke, but perhaps some weird experimental European PED. Still though, I have a friend from high school named Mike Morse who is a morning DJ in the Raleigh/Durham radio market, so because of that I support this other Mike Morse who instead plays baseball.
1B ADAM LAROCHE – I don’t know man, at 1B we had Dmitri Young, then Adam Dunn, both of whom are personable as fuck. Thus, Adam LaRoche is useless to me. Do we have some super dude coming up? Wasn’t there a reason they didn’t let Harper play 1B? I think as a casual fan instead of a super baseball dork, there’s something I’m missing here.
RF JAYSON WERTH – Lol, Shaggy Werth got a fat sack of Scooby snacks and all of a sudden wasn’t worth a shit. And now people are convincing themselves that he will start being good again. Whatever man. I can dig it. In order to go from being the Washington Nationals sucky team of eternity to Washington Nationals legitimate franchise, you have to show the world you are willing and able to blow money on useless shit, to show you are able to compete with the Yankees and Phillies and Tigers and Red Sox of the world. I would rather see them blow it on Werth and draft a bunch of dudes who are going to be good one day, just wait and see, than do what the Marlins did where they blow a ton of money at their new ballpark by hoping flashy names and a kitschy park will somehow make people care. At least the Nats are building something, and any long-term building project needs some overpaid stoner guy to be considered an elder and just kinda watch things come together and go, “Yeah, this shit is good.”
C WILSON RAMOS – While other people were dicking around in the offseason, Ramos got kidnapped and ransomed. At one point, motherfuckers were worried he was already dead. But then he was air rescued and now he’s back to catch baseballs. Fuck all other catchers.
CF RICK ANKIEL – Holding Harper’s spot for now, and is the rare occasion where when pitchers suddenly remember all sorts of repressed sexual abuse memories that happened at the hands (and penis) of a little league coach and can’t suddenly remember how to pitch a baseball anymore, he was able to turn it around. It took a of therapy and a complete positional change (remember, the dude was an MLB pitcher at one point), but he’s here, and he’s not queer. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. I’m good either way to be honest.

OTHER NOTABLE POSITION PLAYERS
OF BRYCE HARPER – He’s starting the year in AAA, for long-term contractual reasons, but make no fucking mistake bros, The Ultimate Harper is about to be unleashed upon the Universe, like a thousand Josh Hamiltons, blessed with the power of magma molecules from deep inside the dark mountains of Nevada/Arizona wastelands, not so much born as found under a joshua tree, surrounded by coyotes, standing on their hind legs, who gifted him to his parents, and thus gifted him to us all.
IF MARK DEROSA – I think I have a baseball card of this dude, which means he has to have been playing for at least 30 years. Wasn’t he and Manny Trillo boys or something?
IF STEVE LOMBARDOZZI – Rookie offspring of former wrestler The Brooklyn Brawler, whose cousin is fat bearded white rapper Action Bronson. I tell you this so you go watch some Action Bronson videos on youtube.

PROJECT PITCHING ROTATION
RH STEPHEN STRASBURG – I know he is supposed to be the greatest thing ever to have ever done anything, but I have to be honest with you – his goatee makes him suspicious in my mind. I do not have Excel spreadsheets and algebraic formulas to break all this down, as is the norm nowadays; I am old school, and I trust my gut, and something in my gut tells me this Strasburg kid is going to end ugly. Still though, I’ll take what we can out of him. Kerry Wood the motherfucker for all I care.
RH JORDAN ZIMMERMANN – The great thing about the possibility of Strasburg being the most awesome fucking thing ever is that Jordan Zimmermann also has some immense potential to be awesome as fuck, so in a game of hoping shit breaks well for you in terms of player development, our potential high watermark is really fucking high. As am I.
LH GIO GONZALEZ – The thing I love about the way the Nats continue to build their team is it is almost like somebody somewhere this off-season said, “You know, I know we have to let Livan Hernandez go, because he will most likely be murdered by Cuban drug lords at some point in the next two years, and we want to be removed from that. But there’s a lot of degenerate money-spending 30-something types who absolutely love Livan Hernandez. Perhaps we go throw a bunch of shit at the A’s and get this Gio Gonzelez kid, because he’s fairly insane, but he’s also young, and can eat up some innings, and might actually be pretty fucking good. But he’s crazy, so people will love him. And he most likely won’t get murdered by Cuban drug lords for at least another eight or nine years.” So they got him, and now we can all be dumbasses who go “NAT GIO” because it is a play on National Geographic and we are all retards nowadays, or at least slightly autistic as a whole, so simple stupid play on words like that make us giggle inside but we don’t call it giggling we call it lolol which feels weird to type an –ing after so I just left it like that. Man, shit is confusing nowadays.
RH EDWIN JACKSON – His name, to me at least, sounds like a gospel singer, and when I think of gospel singing, or more appropriately gospel sanging, I think of this song –

LH JOHN LANNAN – He is the fifth guy in our rotation. On the surface, that might not seem like a thing, but he has been as high as our #2 starter in the past, so trust me when I say it is a thing.

BULLPEN
RH DREW STOREN – With Joba Chamberlain’s bizarre ankle/blood-letting injury, Drew Storen now is the flattest hat in MLB, having picked that up from the Chief Chad Cordero, who is already retired apparently. Man, relievers have really become sports’ biggest bitch, haven’t they, used up and spit out like Russian whores in Prague. Storen is white as fuck. Like seriously, I bet that dude gets stoked to go to Applebees.
RH TYLER CLIPPARD – He is our set-up man, and he can go for multiple innings, which will be necessary as two of our five starters are using robot arms, one of them is old, and the other one is the crazy guy from Oakland. I know that’s only four, but fuck you. John Lannan is the other guy and I couldn’t think of how to disparage him. He’s just a hard-working second-tier starting pitcher who will help make 162 games disappear, and then hopefully sit in the bullpen during the playoffs.
RH CHIEN-MING WANG – He is already broke I think, which is a bad sign, as the key to our haphazard experimental surgery pitching rotation working was for nobody to break too badly. The fact our Wang is sore and we haven’t hit opening day is not a good sign.

So there you have it, friends. I could have also talked about Davey Johnson being a weird fucker as a manager, but weird fuckers as a manager are a dime a dozen nowadays. Davey Johnson is the perfect manager for this team at this point, to instill tradition in a tradition-less franchise, at least in this town. Maybe we get somebody else to managineer things in the future, but for now, there is nothing more perfect than Davey Johnson, who will say crazy things and take all the heat off of the young budding superstars as we wait and see, wait and see, wait and see.

So Your Team's Not Going to the Playoffs

It's down to the home stretch of the season, and it's pretty clear at this point who's going on to the postseason, and who isn't. Odds are good that your team didn't make the cut. Perhaps you have no idea with whom to cast your rooting lot, and why. We here at Baseball Feelings are pleased to present you with a rooting guide for the postseason that goes beyond the standard "Just root against the Yankees and Phillies." (But not too far beyond that.)

If your eliminated team plays in the NL West: Root for the Brewers. The Brewers have a fun, old-school team of unapologetic mashers, and they've never won a World Series. Ever. They've only been to one, in fact. The year that they won the AMERICAN LEAGUE pennant. The Brewers have the best uniform in baseball, even if it's just their Friday home alternate throwback jersey. They have a bunch of guys that are totally worth rooting for (Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Casey McGehee, Corey Hart, John Axford), and probably the most polarizing dude in MLB, Nyjer "Tony Plush" Morgan. I love the guy, but I love most people in sports who are open, unapologetic pricks. Dude's hilarious. Seeing him freak out like in the above picture when he hits a seeing-eye single is a true joy. This is the Brewers best shot at grabbing a championship for the foreseeable future, and it's always fun to see a storied franchise win it all for the first time ever. If you need a further reason to root for them, there's this: when they went to Houston to play the Astros recently, the whole team dressed up like cowboys just to be dicks.

If your eliminated team plays in the NL East or NL Central: Root for the Diamondbacks. They're an exciting, fun young team that broke out at least a year ahead of schedule and is woefully unappreciated by a tepid fanbase that would rather boo Prince Fielder and kick all of the brown people out of their state than show up and root for their team. This is a team worth rooting for, but they're in the thick of a playoff-berth-clinching run of playing insanely good baseball, and they're playing it in front of half-empty crowds. Justin Upton is one of those rare dudes who keeps coming up in key situations, and you just KNOW he's launching a moonshot, or smashing a double off the wall to clear the bases. Paul Goldschmidt just showed up out of nowhere, fully formed as a dude who hits no-stride taters with terrifying frequency. It's really amazing what Kirk Gibson has been able to do with this team this year. Oh yeah, Kirk Gibson is the manager of the Diamondbacks. It's worth watching their games for no other reason than to see him hobble out to the mound on his peg legs for every pitching change.

If you can't get enough of the status quo: Root for the Phillies or the Braves. There's technically nothing wrong with either team, and they both have one or two players you can get behind (Roy Halladay and Freddie Freeman, for example). But there's nothing really exciting or inspiring about either team.

Dan Uggla hit like a maniac for thirty games and almost made people forget that he's not really a consistent hitter, is a nightmare at second base, and is definitely the type of dude who kisses his own biceps while flexing at the mirror nightly. The most exciting players on the Braves are their bullpen guys. They for some unknown reason stuck with Freeman all year while mishandling Jason Heyward worse than anyone not named "Brandon Belt." They've been in the playoffs every year you've been alive. Oh yeah, and their big rally starter is everyone in the stadium being as racist as they can in unison.

Over on the Phillies side, they're a Philadelphia team, with all that entails. They have a ridiculously good, highly-hyped pitching staff. They have Raul Ibanez and Shane Victorino, two of the most thoroughly unlikeable baseball players of our generation. And they've got Hunter Pence, the creepiest creep that ever crabwalked onto a baseball diamond.

If your eliminated team plays in the AL East: Root for the Texas Rangers. They made it to their first World Series last year, and have a stronger team this season that could take them all the way. Their single biggest weakness is their manager, Ron Washington, who seems to believe that shooting oneself in one's foot is a surefire way to keep the opposing team offguard. (It rarely works.)

If your eliminated team plays in the AL West: Root for the Detroit Tigers, if for no other reason than to show support for our own beloved Neil. They've got Justin Verlander, and he's the most exciting pitcher in the American League. Their best hitter likes to get loaded and make friends with cops. What's not to like?

If you have no particular rooting interest: Root for the Red Sox. They're a really fun team that just goes out and scores run after run after run until the other team is in tears. They've got three legitimate MVP candidates in their starting lineup every day. They signed a guy to a contract for a hundred years and a million billion dollars so they could bat him seventh in the lineup. That's some depth, bro. It's always fun to see the Red Sox win a World Series. Well, for now. Maybe if they win one or two more it will start getting old. But it's still fun for now!

If you're a Yankees fan: Root for the Yankees. That's the only reason to.

Strasburg singing some Amy Winehouse "they bout to send my ass to rehab..."

while yall bitches is contemplating actual playoff pictures and trade deadline tomfoolery, for me it's all about this next week...


plus they had an SI fluff piece on how awesome The Ultimate Harper is going to be, and I went to a minor league base of the ball game the other weekend and was gonna write poetry about it, but then I thought I was gonna get fired at my for-real job and forgotted to do so. I will pull out my notebook later this week and update you on my In Real Life minor league Ultimate Harper watching findings, okay bros?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OPENING NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

I'm not going to complain about how terrible Bob Geren is as a Major League manager. I'm not going to complain about Daric Barton's lack of power. I'm not going to complain about how lucky Trevor Cahill was last year. I'm not going to complain about how worn down Kurt Suzuki was last season. I'm not going to complain about Kevin Kouzmanoff's piss poor slugging percentage. I'm not going to complain about Andrew Bailey opening the season on the disabled list. I'm not going to complain about the possibility of the A's moving out of Oakland. I'm not going to complain about the general boringness of Cliff Pennington. I'm not going to complain about the impending failure of Michael Taylor. I'm not going to complain about the waste of money that is Michael Ynoa. I'm not going to complain about the brittleness of Coco Crisp. I'm not going to complain about Eric Chavez wearing (gulp) pinstripes. I'm not going to complain about any of this crap because tonight is OPENING NIGHT and I cannot possibly be more pumped up. Baseball is finally here for my Athletics, and tonight the Road to the Playoffs begins. Get on board or get the hell out of the way.