Man Alive, What an Evening

Wow.

Bruce Bochy fielded his best white-flag team yesterday and the Giants got trounced 6-3 by the Rockies, exactly as expected. But who cares? Yesterday was possibly the most thrilling single day of regular-season baseball in history. Certainly in my lifetime. Four games with final postseason slot implications. The possibility of two separate 163rd games.

The Red Sox and Rays entered the day tied for the AL Wild Card Lead, and the Braves and Cardinals entered the day tied for the NL Wild Card. The Red Sox were in Baltimore, the Rays were hosting the Yankees, the Braves were hosting the Phillies, and the Cardinals were in Houston.

The Red Sox went into a 7th-inning rain delay leading the Orioles 3-2. The Rays fell behind to the Yankees 7-0 going into the 8th inning. The Braves were leading the Phillies 3-2 into the 8th. The lone uneventful game was the Cardinals, as expected, simultaneously mauling and shutting out the Astros (the worst team in baseball).

The Braves coughed up a Phillies tying run around the same time as the Rays put together a 6-run bottom of the eighth. The Cardinals game wrapped, ensuring them at worst a playoff game against the Braves the next day. The Red Sox game resumed and the Sox failed to score an insurance run that was gunned down at home plate. The Braves game headed into extra innings as a Rays .108 pinch-hitter -- who hadn't hit a home run since April -- bounced a line drive off the net of the foul pole with two out and two strikes in the bottom of the ninth inning to knot the score at 7 and send that game into extra innings as well.

The Braves got runners in scoring position for Martin Prado, who offered the worst swing I have ever seen in a pressure situation and ended the inning. The Phillies got a go-ahead run off a Hunter Pence BABIP Special, and the Braves bounced into a double play to give the Cardinals the NL Wild Card.

Back in Baltimore, Carl Crawford was unable to grab what would have been out number three as the Orioles got three consecutive two-out hits off of Jonathan "huck it down the middle" Papelbon, and stunned the Red Sox by winning the game, 4-3.

Three minutes after the Orioles dogpiled one another on their rain-soaked home field, Evan Longoria hit his second home run of the game, a laser beam that just cleared the fence inside the foul pole along the left-field line and clinched the Wild Card for Tampa Bay.

There are moment in baseball -- key moments, indelible moments -- that you know, as you are watching them, that they will be part of baseball lore forever. That you'll be seeing them on replay for the rest of your life. Aaron Boone's 2003 ALCS homer. Kevin Mitchell's barehanded grab. Dave Roberts' stolen base. Kirk Gibson. Bill Buckner. Carlton Fisk. Now we can add Longoria's home run to that elite group. He raced down the first base line, knowing that the ball might not clear the wall, but that he was going to have to try for extra bases if it didn't. Just before he got to the bag at first, both arms shot straight up in the air. The look of elation on his face matched that of the stunned and exultant crowd. His teammates flew out of the dugout as if shot from a cannon, and everyone watching could scarcely manage to come up with a sentiment any more profound than that of, "BASEBALL. OH MAN, BASEBALL."

This is why we watch. Baseball simply does not get any better than this, and no other sport on its best day can ever hope to match moments such as these.

So now we move beyond 2011 and into the postseason. Let us root for the Brewers. Let us root for the Rays. Let us root for the Diamondbacks and the Tigers and the Rangers. Let us root for baseball at its most glorious, at its most profound and affecting. Let us enjoy these next few weeks, for the winter is long and devoid of this glorious game. We will continue to be here talking about the feelings that the postseason and the hot stove and all that malarkey will bring, but baseball is now entering its yearly twilight.

This is going to be one hell of a postseason, my dear friends. Let's all be baseball fans together, for there is surely no greater thing.

So Your Team's Not Going to the Playoffs

It's down to the home stretch of the season, and it's pretty clear at this point who's going on to the postseason, and who isn't. Odds are good that your team didn't make the cut. Perhaps you have no idea with whom to cast your rooting lot, and why. We here at Baseball Feelings are pleased to present you with a rooting guide for the postseason that goes beyond the standard "Just root against the Yankees and Phillies." (But not too far beyond that.)

If your eliminated team plays in the NL West: Root for the Brewers. The Brewers have a fun, old-school team of unapologetic mashers, and they've never won a World Series. Ever. They've only been to one, in fact. The year that they won the AMERICAN LEAGUE pennant. The Brewers have the best uniform in baseball, even if it's just their Friday home alternate throwback jersey. They have a bunch of guys that are totally worth rooting for (Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Casey McGehee, Corey Hart, John Axford), and probably the most polarizing dude in MLB, Nyjer "Tony Plush" Morgan. I love the guy, but I love most people in sports who are open, unapologetic pricks. Dude's hilarious. Seeing him freak out like in the above picture when he hits a seeing-eye single is a true joy. This is the Brewers best shot at grabbing a championship for the foreseeable future, and it's always fun to see a storied franchise win it all for the first time ever. If you need a further reason to root for them, there's this: when they went to Houston to play the Astros recently, the whole team dressed up like cowboys just to be dicks.

If your eliminated team plays in the NL East or NL Central: Root for the Diamondbacks. They're an exciting, fun young team that broke out at least a year ahead of schedule and is woefully unappreciated by a tepid fanbase that would rather boo Prince Fielder and kick all of the brown people out of their state than show up and root for their team. This is a team worth rooting for, but they're in the thick of a playoff-berth-clinching run of playing insanely good baseball, and they're playing it in front of half-empty crowds. Justin Upton is one of those rare dudes who keeps coming up in key situations, and you just KNOW he's launching a moonshot, or smashing a double off the wall to clear the bases. Paul Goldschmidt just showed up out of nowhere, fully formed as a dude who hits no-stride taters with terrifying frequency. It's really amazing what Kirk Gibson has been able to do with this team this year. Oh yeah, Kirk Gibson is the manager of the Diamondbacks. It's worth watching their games for no other reason than to see him hobble out to the mound on his peg legs for every pitching change.

If you can't get enough of the status quo: Root for the Phillies or the Braves. There's technically nothing wrong with either team, and they both have one or two players you can get behind (Roy Halladay and Freddie Freeman, for example). But there's nothing really exciting or inspiring about either team.

Dan Uggla hit like a maniac for thirty games and almost made people forget that he's not really a consistent hitter, is a nightmare at second base, and is definitely the type of dude who kisses his own biceps while flexing at the mirror nightly. The most exciting players on the Braves are their bullpen guys. They for some unknown reason stuck with Freeman all year while mishandling Jason Heyward worse than anyone not named "Brandon Belt." They've been in the playoffs every year you've been alive. Oh yeah, and their big rally starter is everyone in the stadium being as racist as they can in unison.

Over on the Phillies side, they're a Philadelphia team, with all that entails. They have a ridiculously good, highly-hyped pitching staff. They have Raul Ibanez and Shane Victorino, two of the most thoroughly unlikeable baseball players of our generation. And they've got Hunter Pence, the creepiest creep that ever crabwalked onto a baseball diamond.

If your eliminated team plays in the AL East: Root for the Texas Rangers. They made it to their first World Series last year, and have a stronger team this season that could take them all the way. Their single biggest weakness is their manager, Ron Washington, who seems to believe that shooting oneself in one's foot is a surefire way to keep the opposing team offguard. (It rarely works.)

If your eliminated team plays in the AL West: Root for the Detroit Tigers, if for no other reason than to show support for our own beloved Neil. They've got Justin Verlander, and he's the most exciting pitcher in the American League. Their best hitter likes to get loaded and make friends with cops. What's not to like?

If you have no particular rooting interest: Root for the Red Sox. They're a really fun team that just goes out and scores run after run after run until the other team is in tears. They've got three legitimate MVP candidates in their starting lineup every day. They signed a guy to a contract for a hundred years and a million billion dollars so they could bat him seventh in the lineup. That's some depth, bro. It's always fun to see the Red Sox win a World Series. Well, for now. Maybe if they win one or two more it will start getting old. But it's still fun for now!

If you're a Yankees fan: Root for the Yankees. That's the only reason to.

On the topic of Michael Young

So, in a case of dumb shit amplified by more dumb shit, Michael Young has demanded a trade because... the team was listening to trade offers for him and saying they weren't trying to trade him. If that sounds like bullshit, that's because it probably is.



Michael "Roger Dorn" Young still wants to play the field, despite the fact that he is absolutely terrible at it, and is butt hurt that the Rangers are trying to get better, in spite of his leadership and slap hitting skillz. How dare they pay him $16 fucking million a season for his sub-.700 OPS and dare ask him to not "play" third base anymore. Then, when they acquire Napoli who dares to play first base, one of the positions Young would be asked to suck at on a replacement status, and also hits lefties a lot better than the Statue... oh shit, you DID NOT JUST DISRESPECT THE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE LIKE THAT TEXAS RANGERS FRONT OFFICE. HOW DARE YOU!?


By the time you read this, Douche Face and his crotch adjustments might have been traded. Good riddance, Young. Truthfully, Young might do 50 million things good for the community, but this is strike three for me. He is dead to me. Strike one was when he and his sycophant, Evan Grant, who I actually enjoy reading when he's not pontificating on the greatness of Face, got CJ Wilson kicked off the Rangers blog I read for calling other MLBers douches. Boy, he was right on there! Strike two was two years ago, when he publicly bitched and whined about being moved off short for someone who can actually play the position. Then, weeks after demanding a trade, he realized no team was fucking stupid enough to take on his insane contract and he very privately withdrew the request, only to then be considered a "team player" for moving.


May he rot in hell.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, Mike Napoli. But the Frank Francisco era has begun.

Of all these great reactions my favourite here is the lady in the jean jacket.

That Alex Anthopolous, boy, he is a wheeler and a dealer!  Mike Napoli is now a Texas Ranger, and Frank Francisco -- seen here hucking a chair at a dude who allegedly heckled another Rangers pitcher on the subject of a stillborn child but the chair totally didn't hit the heckler in question but instead his wife who was cut for stitches and then there were criminal and civil charges -- is now a Toronto Blue Jay.  It is like quantum leaps of unclassiness here from Vernon Wells (notably classy) to Mike Napoli (lewd party pics mère et fils) to Frank Francisco (heckler-revenge-by-proxy / lady assault).  But what a name!  Also he's pretty good.  Not that I'm saying he should close or anything but the Blue Jays pen is looking reasonable.  There is, at least, no chance of this happening in 2011, so cool.  


Edit: scooped by Chinballs! I came with the bigger picture though so who is the real winner?

DOOT DOOT DOOT BREAKING NEWS: Napoli to Rangers for Francisco

If by breaking, I mean shit that happened like two hours ago, yeah, but it hasn't been posted here yet.

Mike Napoli and his mom's titties are no longer property of the greater Toronto area (sorry KS) as they have been dealt to the Texas Rangers in exchange for Frank Francisco and his lucky steel chair.

Frank Frank La Parkaing some bitch.

Fare thee well, rad ass Frankie. May you own the AL East and get into some wild drunken shenanigans, so long as you throw up some meat balls when you face the Rangers.

Rangers Feelings

Usually, being a Rangers fan is not unlike constantly being kicked in the dick by fate. Fuck, prior to this year they were the only team in the league who had never even won a playoff series. The entire heights of my baseball fan life, prior to 2010, were Nolan Ryan punching the fuck out of Robin Ventura, and Game 1 vs. the Yankees, 1996.

Heading into 2010, the team was financially... fucked, after Tom "Blow Me Fuck Face Sr." Hicks, leveraged the Rangers and the Dallas Stars into buying another toy, Liverpool of the Premier League. When the economy keeled over and died, he defaulted on all of these leveraged loans, leaving the team in the hands of Bud fucking Selig and a bunch of creditors. The league found a group to buy the team, fronted by Chuck Greenberg and Nolan Ryan, who sounded like they knew what the hell they were doing... but this shit drug OUT... and OUT... and OUT, until the team was finally put up for auction between this group, and Mark Cuban's group, which seemingly only wanted the TV rights.


Nolan and Chuck won, and I can only assume it's because Chuck has a colossal dong... well, at least colossal enough to impress Mrs. Ryan. By this time, the majority of the 2010 season had passed, and it wouldn't be unwise to think the team was suffering. Amazingly, however, this was not the case. In 2010, the Rangers basically made the AL West their prison bitch from day one, and proceeded to fuck the other teams in the ass when they wanted, and where they wanted. The team tore the league a new asshole through a particularly great stretch in June, and played well enough the rest of the time, that the playoffs weren't really in doubt. In preparation, the team went out and acquired several new core and not so core players. Guys like Bengie Molina, Jorge Cantu, Cristian Guzman, Jeff Francouer, and Cliff Lee.

Bengie Molina

With the team playing out of it's fucking mind, they march through the Rays and then through the motherfucking Yankees, striking out Alex Rodriguez to head to their first World Series. Legit, one of the best sports moments of my life. I fucking loved this team. Then, as luck tends to do, it ran out, and the team looked like shit in 5 games I never really want to relive against the San Francisco Giants.

Which leads to the offseason: A lot of faces head out, not so many head back in. The Rangers made it priority number one to resign Cliff Lee. Originally, it seemed as if the Yankees were just going to moneyfuck him and his bitch ass wife to New York. Then, after a big meeting at Lee's house in Arkansas, the Rangers appeared to be the front runners, and I'm fully prepared to be just fucking ecstatic about it, even if the contract ended up being really stupid. However, in the 23rd fucking hour, he runs off to play second, or third, or fuck, maybe even fourth fiddle with the fucking Phillies. It's like finding out this chick you're trying to fuck called up her ex boyfriend, who'd moved on a year ago, offered to blow him in the back of a car, and now lives in a communal groupfuck with him and the new bitch. Just not right if you ask me.

So the Rangers counter the loss of a Cy Young winner with the gain of another, when they sign one-armed Brandon Webb to an incentive-laden deal, fresh off of reports that his heat was in the low 80s. I'm excited. Of course, he ended up not being the big fish. Adrian Beltre and his super sensitive head did.


The biggest plus for the Rangers, beyond how much fun Andres Blanco, David Murphy, and the other jokers on the team are going to have fucking with Beltre's head, is that Michael motherfucking Young, the Roger Dorn of modern day MLB, will be moved off of third base, where he would regularly dive at routine plays that just happened to fall out of his reach, making "past a diving Michael Young..." a meme on Rangers fan sites, and to the motherfucking bench where he will DH. What was merely a local joke became an international one in the ALCS, when upon a hard hit ball by Alex Rodriguez, Young moved OUT OF THE WAY OF THE BALL and then attempted to "Ole!" it. Sit your ass on the pine, face of the franchise.

Well, there were some Rangers feelings, I guess. Whenever the hell I decide to write again, it will probably be a season preview or something.