Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Proposed Stadiums of the Past

The great thing about architectural firms is they make like a ton of money just to imagineer shit before anything is done, so they have a whole slew of Mike Bradys sitting around making models on computers, out of Fimo clay, on drawering papers, every which way possible to dazzle and delight the eventual builders (usually govt. officials allegedly acting on behalf of the local citizenry) into taking their offer and gitting her done, so to speak. Well here is a website with a collection of such undeveloped proposed developments.
For example, look at what a wonderful, happy experience the New Fenway was going to be! It's almost as if they forgot it was going in Boston, around Bostonians. That place would smell like piss and hate any black guy who couldn't hit home runs by the time the fifth row of bricks was laid, at overpriced union labor most likely.

And scope out what they would've done to the Mets stadium had NYC gotten the 2012 Olympics. Knocked the left field wall out, extended the stadium to Olympic size, turned the parking lot into a stretching area, and then undone it all after the Olympics. And paid the Mets off in the process.

Below is what would have been had the Oakland Athletics become the Fremont Athletics. You see that guy mid-lower right in the giant colored cowboy hat? That would be early on in Fremont's ownership of the A's, with a Raiders Black Hole type guy not yet finding his way through this new sub-urban green and yellow green and yellow green and yellow AIGHT way of things. He will find his way, mostly because he is standing up now to get three more beers. By the end of the game he will be fighting security guards over an altercation with a overly homosexual tiny black dude pretzel salesman.

And my favorite is the proposed MLB stadium upgrade for Norfolk, Virginia. There is a AAA team there, and watching baseball in Norfolk is one of my favorite spots to see it, especially because I'm one of those contrarians that is all like, "Minor League ball no millionaires fans can get autographs more like old timey America when we cranked up our cars literally and women had sex when and where you wanted it and if they didn't, they were sluts and you would send them off to a home run by the state and find you a new younger model, just like cars, and we ate for real appley pies not pre-manufactured ones in boxes at Wal-Marts made by Chinamen with malevolence in their hearts. There was no DH, no $10 beer, and no dumbass like Brian Williams because he would get chloroformed at night and wake up on a Thai freight ship to work for the next six months, to try and learn that stupid shit out of him, or at least get it off our sacred soil!" Virginia will never get a baseball team, which is fine because now I have the Nationals, to constantly give me hope and then have it crashed in tragedy.

7 comments:

  1. Labatt Park is the one that gets me.

    Also, do know about how Michael Chabon was writing a book about this idealistic young architect who was doomed by his ridiculous dream of building old timey ballparks which was like a tragic impossibility and then they built Camden Yards and his novel was basically fucked? I think I am remembering that story right.

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  2. haha, that's awesome. I am going to GO TO GOOGLE on this one because nothing makes me feel better than the failed dreams of aspiring writers.

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  3. actually I missed it the first time thru but the Brooklyn dome at the bottom is pretty amazing.

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  4. Man, I'm so glad that dystopian space alien Omega Man Soylent Green Is People Tigers stadium never happened.

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  5. Fremont might have been a deal breaker for me as an A's fan. A city filled with rich white Prius driving assholes being the home to a franchise known for being eternal fuck ups would have been so anticlimactic.

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  6. Oh man, that 1963 Seattle concept with the below-sea-level stadium suspended within Puget Sound by concrete pillars is amazing; you can almost hear the screams of 30,000 drowning fans as a ferryboat with a drunken sea cap'n at the helm crashes through the windows and sends them to their watery grave.

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  7. ^^^ this calls for fanfic imo

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