Nationals destroy Marlins with awesomeness

Can't promise I'll post a lot this season, as I flailed out during last year's quest for .500 ball which ended up with the fucking playoffs. Can you believe that? This year hopes are even higher, with motherfuckers being like "World Series, yo." Whatever man it's a long season.
Nonetheless the first three game series went well, with Strasburg and Gio shutting shit down, Davey Johnson going to the bullpen early, and even Jordan Zimmermann looking good as fuck yesterday. I mean it is the Marlins so let's not get carried away, but there is a dangerous thing I want to talk about that could perhaps be our downfall. That thing is The Ultimate Harper.
On twitter a dude asked how the Nats could have gotten rid of Beast Mode, who is already being rather beastly in Seattle. I offered the theory that perhaps it was for the best of everybody that Beast Mode psychology not be allowed to ferment too heavily into the brain of the young and still impressionable Bryce Harper. Because Bryce Harper is kinda crazy. Like he's crazy athletic, and after two blasts in his first two at-bats, including this one to Jayson Werth hiding in the crowd...

he's on pace for like 148 HRs this season. But will he play the entire season? Here he is yesterday, Charlie Hustle 3000ing his way into scoring from first on a double...

Note the stiff blow to the jawbones, and yet the little crazy fucker with the rockabilly hair jumps up. He is Natitude basically, and it was probably best not to infuse that with too much Beast Mode, because let's face it, DC is a doomed town for sports. Our stars end up becoming broken (what up RG3?) or ran out of town like miscreants (what up Agent Zero?) or just never quite live up to the hopes and hype of a desperate public (what up Ovi?). And now the Nats have what looks to be maybe the player of his generation in Bryce Harper.
Actually let me address this Mike Trout/Bryce Harper debate that seems to be ongoing. Mike Trout is a baseball player, and although a good one, he's just some white guy who plays baseball, no different than Joe Mauer or Will Clark or really 19 thousand other white guys who were pretty good at a white guy sport (not counting the Hispanics, because lolol how can you count them all?) Bryce Harper is something different - a thing that happens very rarely. I seriously think he has Pete Rose qualities in that he plays on a different level than everyone else, and ultimately he will have some sort of horrible downfall out of boredom of fucking around with all these very regular white guys and Hispanics all his life. My fear is that The Ultimate Harper will be too Beastly and reckless in situations like above and destroy himself.
And yet at the same time that's my hope too. Fuck self-preservation. Self-preservation and pitch counts and retard chess like that is the worst part of baseball. Bryce Harper is going to destroy shit this year, and other teams are going to try to destroy him. I would put the over-under on bench-clearing brawls at Nats game this year at about 4, and up it to 5 or 6 if the possibility of facing the Cardinals in the playoffs looks very real late in the season. And I'm fine with that. I trust no man more than Davey Johnson to get this haphazard team of youthful wildlings into good fighting spirit. Let's not forget Johnson's greatest claim to managerial fame was the '86 Mets (who these Nats are often compared to in preseason previews), led by Darryl Strawberry (who had an underwhelming overall career considering his initial promise, but cocaine does that to you) and Dwight Gooden (who I don't know, was pretty great but coming out the same time with same fanfare as Roger Clemens, we certainly don't see him as like a Roger Clemens equivalent do we, and I'm not speaking with regards to what a douchebag Clemens is). I guess what I'm saying is that although sure The Ultimate Harper if allowed to be too much like he'd want to be will probably destroy himself and be Dickie Thonned by the Diamondbacks or some shit, I don't care. If you got 'em, smoke 'em. I would like that to be what Natitude is all about, if a PR term can ever actually be about anything real at all.
So yeah, that's what I have to say after our first series of the season. I'll try to check back in after the Reds series this weekend in Cincinnati but it's also getting spring and I've got some garden planting to do, so no promises, okay?

Blue Jays 10, Indians 8: There Were Like A Zillion Dingerz, Which Is The Ideal Number of Dingerz

middle-infield camaraderie might not mean a damn thing to you McNulty but it means a hell of a lot to me

Woah, dingers! Like so many! Let's see OK there was Jose Bautista's, then J.P. Arencibia hit one into the second deck I believe, then E5 with the mighty three-run wallop, and then finally Colby Rasmus who comes to the plate to what sounds like a parody of contemporary country-radio country music but which is I fear probably just contemporary country-radio country music. There were Indians home runs as well, it is perhaps worth noting, if only in passing. I will not detail them here because I do not want to pretend like I cared about them because intellectual and emotional honesty is important. Mark Buehrle wasn't really any good, which is bad, but he takes a Halladay-esque approach to not fucking around between pitches out there, so I will never ever be mad at him, I promise. There was nifty glove work from Emilio Bonifacio as he smoothly turned two with Jose Reyes, I was told by means of radio communication from Jerry Howarth and (*long inhale*) Jack Morris (*long exhale*) who, I guess I should say, really isn't terrible or anything, but he isn't all that good either, and he sure as heck isn't Alan Ashby, who is, I would argue, the most underrated broadcaster in baseball, and probably like the third or fourth best there even is. The Blue Jays could win ninety games this year (as they of course will) and I would still be like "I miss Alan Ashby" instead of talking about how Jose Bautista has eighty home runs. 

KS

Indians 3, Blue Jays 2 (F/11): I Have A Policy

eyeeeeaaaawwwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

I had almost all of this one on the radio (the computer radio) while I was engaged in other, extremely important activities and exercises befitting a human of my status and attainment, and it was actually kind of a honey. Brandon Morrow threw like a million pitches en route to being pretty awesome at times (this is his way), and Maicer Izturis improbably hit the first dinger (let us hope the first of many dingers) of this Blue Jays season. He also totally rushed a throw from third and winged it past E5 at first, allowing the go-ahead Cleveland run to score late, but, I mean, who among us. The number of throws from third I myself have hucked into the woods is totally disproportionate to the number of innings I logged at the hot corner in my youth, so I was not upset, particularly. And anyway after that Jose Bautista totally homered! I took my headphones off and raised my arms in jubilation! Things were thus tied after nine, and I called it a night. 

I did this because I have a policy and that is that it is not worth watching extra inning baseball games except in certain rare instances, and this is why: if I watch like thirteen innings and the Blue Jays lose, I will feel like I have wasted my life and all is blasted. If I watch like thirteen innings and the Blue Jays win, I will feel pretty good about it, but not that much better than if I skip out after nine and just find out later that they've won. There will be perhaps the slightest pang, the faintest sensation that it might have been neat to see that, but I will mostly be happy they won and move on with my affairs. But, again, to sit through an extra-innings loss is the worst, and I will not do it. 

If this strikes you as foolishness, which it almost certainly is, I will say in my defense that I have stayed patiently in my seat throughout the duration of hundreds of baseball games at the SkyDome, many of them utter shit-shows, without leaving early. I think I have left maybe three baseball games early ever, and in every case, if memory serves, it was because of concerts and shows and stuff. So do not think I am one of those people; the particular brand of foolishness I am advancing here is in some respects, I think, without precedent.

KS

Eff The Haters, R.A. Dickey is the Goddang Best Y'All or You Keep Rockin' Toronto

Indians 4, Blue Jays 1: Yes But Also Baseball

Jose Bautista, seen here looking like I feel whenever I think about Jose Bautista

Tonight was a judo night, which is a night even more sacred than a baseball night -- even, indeed(s), a baseball opening night -- so I didn't really catch any of the game except that except except except when I got in the car to go to judo there was totally baseball on the radio and when I got back in after judo there was totally also baseball on the radio and sure the Blue Jays were losing and it didn't sound at all awesome in that respect however the out-of-town update revealed that Yu Darvish had been striking out all of the Astros and was perfect through a substantial number of innings and on the whole my thoughts and indeed my feelings were like baseball yusssssss.

KS

A Baseball 2013 Preview by the Most Regular Guy on Earth in America

So the baseball has started and the internet is alive with people pretending it’s some glorious thing like daffodils blooming or the phlox turning purple and pink and showing how they’ve creeped another four inches since last spring. But look, baseball is lot like poetry and swing dancing and shit like that in normal people don’t really give that much of a fuck. I mean the white professional class in baseball cities cares because it’s an obvious way to fuck off an afternoon of work but pretend you are still working by taking some dude who might buy something at some unforeseen and barely imaginable point in the future.

Unfortunately a lot of baseball waxing and waning poetically is done by creepy baseball fetishists who think every kid dreams of being a baseball player still. These dudes also are from the 1980s school of Sports Illustrated sports writing who dream of being collected by the Oxford American at some point, and become angry at Grantland analytics charts (although to be fair, Grantland analytics charts and mathematical baseball theorists are just as fucking fruity as poet baseball fans… basically anything you can get a Ph.D. in should not be involved in baseball talk being most baseball players barely go to college if at all and most are either drafted out of high school or they are from a black Hispanic country and pretend to be 16 when they are 14 so that they can pretend to be 18 when they are 20 and play baseball in America).

Sidetracked into my brain bitching about shit, sorry. What I came here to do was give you a preview of the upcoming baseball season with full predictions by the Most Regular Guy on Earth in America, who is me. Let’s start in the American League, because it comes first alphabetically.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

(As you can see I’m starting out west to reverse standard patterns of your brain that start on the east. Fuck your brain. These are in predicted order of finish.)

#1: Anaheim Angels of California near Los Angeles – I don’t know man, they seem to sign everybody on earth so they have to be allowed to win something one year. They added Josh Hamilton to Albert Pujols as last year’s big free agent signing, potentially creating the largest most expensive underperformance in baseball history outside of most 21st century seasons of the Yankees. But they’ll win the division. Why? I don’t know man, bunch of famous fuckers on their team.

#2: Oakland Athletics – Essentially the anti-Angels, the A’s are infamous for doing wacky mathematical nonsense to find great players in piles of discarded hard drives ever since Seth Rogen’s little brother did that for them in the ‘90s or some shit. A commonly uncited reason for Athletic awesomeness though is the green and yellow color scheme. No professional sports teams really rock that, other than the As, and the now-defunct Seattle Supersonics. That, combined with Rollie Fingers mustache, and me seeing a picture of the weird Elephants shirt Ty Cobb wore when he played for the Philadelphia Athletics, gives them more psychic power than you can really fuck with. And they will wild card it up, because all of this shit is wild.

#3: Texas Rangers – Josh Hamilton’s straight edginess was the only thing that kept Ron Washington from being full-blown Ron Washington, which in his true wild habitat is sort of like one of Fred Sanford’s friends who would go to clubs with him and try to get him to play that fucking crazy washtub bass contraption. That type of full-blown wackiness is a little too much for an actual baseball team because about 45% of all baseball players are uptight assholes who want perfectly repeated routines during games, not some crazy duck-walking dude wired on life and powdered cocoa extract talking nonsense gibberish at them.

#4: Seattle Mariners – Sadly, perhaps the east coast bias is true because this is the most anonymous of teams out there, meaning they will find it hard to compete and win games when they are busy seeing how many AT&T passwords are just password123 and calling it “hacking”. Hackers make for horrible hitters too. On the plus side, baseball Beast Mode Michael Morse is now in Seattle along with football and original flavor Beast Mode of Marshawn Lynch, which hopefully will create some sort of chaotic power vacuum that allows for fun animated gifs galore. Ultimately that’s all I ask from baseball.

#5: Houston Astros – The Astros were so shitty they were going to get relegated but then somebody was like, “Baseball doesn’t have relegation. This is America you fuck,” so whoever was in charge was like, “lolol that’s right, well let’s move them to the AL, just for the fuck of it.” So essentially, in his devious ways, Bud Selig traded his Milwaukee Brewers to the National League for the Houston Astros, and all the AL got was this shitty striped throwback J.R. Richard jersey.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

(The Midwest is literally rusting back into the earth, and if it wasn’t for Mexican cartel leaders wagering large sums of money on games based around their main American hub of Chicago, two of these teams would just have one-third of their games simulated by EA Sports to save us all time and money.)

#1: Detroit Tigers – You may not know this but Justin Verlander is basically Monsanto corn in human form, which is a pretty good argument for genetically modified baseball players in my opinion. I know Verlander is a good dude because I bumped into him one time in Goochland County and we shared some stories outside of George’s Tavern store, and scratched off a shit load of lottery tickets. Eventually I hit a $20 scratcher and was like, “Oh shit! I’m gonna get me four chicken thighs and a forty! Well, not the forty because I quit drinking, so a big spicy V8 instead.” Verlander laughed and said, “Man, Miggy said that EXACT SAME FUCKING THING to me just last month.”

#2: Cleveland Indians – The MSM aka Lame-stream Media is not reporting these things, to keep panic down but there are already marauding gangs of post-Apocalyptic half-feral humans roaming the streets of Cleveland. They could care less about baseball, and most of what they consider true rock-n-roll will never even consider a thing like a “Hall of Fame” something you’d do, as halls of fame are a sign of over-civilization, and marauding gangs usually are against too much civilizational behavior, generally speaking. That being said, the Indians are still real, meaning they exist.

#3: Kansas City Royals – The Royals so desperately want everybody to believe they are the new Rays, building a strong team from within, being smart and practical, all that shit. Royals PR people are constantly trying to convince news sites and baseball experts to tout this talking point, but then they just end up being the Royals again.

#4: Minnesota Twins – The Twins are literally a machine that will never work correctly without a short, stocky black dude as their spark plug. It’s very literal, and until they replace Kirby Puckett, they’ll never be shit, no matter how many non-descript white guys do shampoo commercials. Also who the fuck buys enough shampoo to justify there being commercial endorsements for it? Do you buy special shampoo? Haha, fuck that. What’s wrong with you?

#5: Chicago White Sox – The White Sox are essentially back to being the shitty White Sox nobody cared about, though somebody made a good LaMarr Hoyt joke on twitter earlier, so they always have that to fall back on. Really, in my mind, the White Sox will eternally be nothing more than LaMarr Hoyt’s facial hair and Greg Luzinski’s gut muscles.

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST

(Basically the UEFA of MLB. At least one of these assholes always gets a wild card. Also I just made a veiled soccer reference inside an internet posting about baseball, which means I just plus-oned at internetting, which equals a half-minus at real life.)

#1: Toronto Blue Jays – They have oddly accumulated one of the strangest teams ever. Like if someone was to tell you, “Hey, a baseball team is going to amass a ridiculous amount of potentially still in-prime talent, out of nowhere, for the fuck of it,” you’d never have guessed the Blue Jays. I would’ve said Marlins, then Red Sox, then maybe the Phillies. But there it is. How long will it last? I don’t know. I don’t give a fuck. I just want to have sex up against the window of the outfield hotel room again, but they won’t let me rent the room any more after last time. For as liberalized as their health care is, Canadians are actually fairly conservative, especially with regards to exhibitionist goat sex.

#2: Tampa Bay Rays – Always a disruptive force in the AL East, which is funny considering most everybody in the Tampa/St. Petersburg area is a Yankees fan. It’s kind of like the shitty neglected son is always trying to outdo his asshole dad that everybody thinks is the greatest, so he just ends up being awesome out of spite. That’s the Rays, who literally only will ever sell out Yankees games at home, for eternity. Also wild card, trust me bro.

#3: New York Yankees – Watching the Yankees fail is always great. If you are a Yankees fan, I hope you live a long and suffering life, because you are probably a horrible person, as an individual as well as collectively when amongst others who think like you do. That being said, I’m always thankful for the Yankees signing and acquiring players because it helps me know who to hate. And the next few years, watching A-Rod go from perhaps the greatest player ever to baseball’s Lance Armstrong, oh man that’s going to be so fun to watch. Some people just look like they are born assholes, and A-Rod is one of those some peoples.

#4: Baltimore Orioles – The Orioles are fun and all I guess, but it’s kinda sad to watch Adam Jones career, as he’s the last American-born black kid to have played baseball. Truly the slow-ending of a great era. Imagine life without Jackie Robinson’s civil rights or Willie Mays’s greatness or Dave Parker’s menace. It’s sad. It’s a shame we have to import all our black people who play baseball nowadays, but it’s also a sign that baseball is not as relevant to Americans as the poet-philosopher-theoretical physicist-bloggers would have you believe. RIP Black American Baseball Player – God needed dudes who love sports cars, cocaine, and Loni Anderson, all three circa 1975.

#5: Boston Red Sox – It’s weird because the people who are Red Sox fans are more wretched than the people who are Yankees fans, but somehow it is way easier to hate the Yankees. Not sure why this is culturally. At least we can all be thankful the Red Sox are back to sucking. They should totally wear more green jerseys with shamrocks and shit like that appeal to their completely open-minded and non-racist fanbase. Also if you could somehow cross-breed Red Sox baseball fans with Israeli soccer fans, you would have most open-minded and non-racist fanbase that ever existed. Actually maybe that’s what Bill Simmons actually is?

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

(I am switching the geographical order this time to keep you confused. The NL East is an amazing place, full of amazing stories of baseball franchises with varied histories and futures that cross like Megabuses in the interstate night.)

#1: Atlanta Braves – Yes, I am saying the Braves will win the division, even though everyone on Earth is like, “WOW MAN THE NATIONALS!” Why? Because the Braves always win, even when they don’t. And then they go to the playoffs, and don’t win, even when they do. That is the dichotic nature of the Atlanta Braves, and it has to be enforced constantly by ill-humored baseball Gods, who actually live in Venezuela and are going to be even more ill-humored this year since Chavez is dead and Castro is dying.

#2: Washington Nationals – I am a Nats fan as much as the Most Regular Guy on Earth in America can actually be the fan of a baseball team. And it sure looks like wonderful things will potentially happen, doesn’t it? Two problems though. First, there is the psychically crushing end to last season’s miraculous playoff appearance. That shit kills souls, who never play good post-season baseball ever again. Secondly, Washington sports teams are cursed, perhaps in a karmic sense due to their close proximity to the American government, which is as ill as it comes, because it’s not dictator ill where you know shit is fucked; it’s marketing campaign ill, where you trick young girls into signing up for prostitution by making it seem cool and freedomly. So because of having watched this play out for many many years, I know that Strasburg is going to have his elbow splinter into three pieces or Bryce Harper is going to get arrested with transgender prostitutes in Baltimore or horrible horrible things are going to happen. Still though, they’ll get a wild card, because that’ll make it even more horrible when it ends again in traumatic fashion.

#3: Philadelphia Phillies – Man, fuck the Phillies.

#4: New York Mets – The Mets are never something I can hate because A) not the Yankees, and B) listening to AM radio from New York at night when the only station you pick up is 660 and hearing weird old dudes who are Mets fans talk about Mets shit. Plus lately I’ve been having recurring dreams where I’m a crazy old Dominican dude who builds secret drug compartments in SUVs for drug dealers at my shop along Jerome Avenue in the Bronx, and when I’m in that guy’s head in my dreams, he fucking loves listening to the Spanish broadcast of Mets games while working in his shop. It’s almost tricked me into ordering a Johan Santana jersey to be honest.

#5: Miami Marlins – As America falls, and the post-Apocalyptic marauders seen in Cleveland start to be nationwide, things like the Marlins new ball park will slowly dilapidate into these garish photos on some South American/African/Asian sub-continent Reddit sub-folder, kind of like the Chernobyl ferris wheel. The thing is, we shouldn’t feel bad; it’s just as hilarious this impending failure of America as the fall of communist Soviet Russia was. Immense failures of human civilization are always hilarious; that’s part of the natural beauty of baseball. (Note: That last sentence is designed to be the one you quote and tweet out when you are building your Personal Brand online by sharing stupid fucking links to stupid fucking shit like this article.)

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

(I’m not even panning across the country in order because seriously, fuck your brain and how it thinks things are supposed to go. I even contemplated not even doing this in order of finish, but I promised I would at the beginning, and I never break a promise, ever.)

#1: Los Angeles Dodgers – You know how annoying George Steinbrenner was, and football owners like Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder are? You may not realize this but you will come to regard Magic Johnson like that as well. He is cut from that same cloth, and his goofy, want-to-win-ness will eventually turn to overbearing, power-mad, assholeness. In a way, it’s refreshing that we have gotten to a point in American racial history where a black man can end up being an overbearing over-wealthy asshole like Magic will become, especially in baseball, where there will never be any more black American-born baseball players ever again. Also of note is how racial divides are not scientific at all but purely a political creation, which ultimately means when you hate a particular race, you are kind of hating a certain form of politics, although it actually is not hating politics because it plays into the hands of political goals. Shit is tricky nowadays. I go through a lot of yarrow tincture because of this.

#2: San Francisco Giants – The Giants are consistently consistent, and though I’m sad that the kid from Dazed and Confused finally cut his hair off, I’m hoping he balances this with some weird mustache. Wait, no I don’t, because the Giants are the ones with the stupid giant black beard thing going in their bullpen. Brian Wilson is the worst, a sports example of that hipster asshole type who doesn’t actually like anything, just accumulates weird tidbits of weirdness to be like, “I am so weird, aren’t I? But no, I’m normal. Just weird.” It’s all so forced and not organic at all, although organic is a government label not an actual thing so I would imagine Brian Wilson’s goofy bullshit may be certified organic, which just goes to show you shouldn’t trust labels, ever, because you have to ask yourself, who is deciding how the labels are applied? Also, wild card for the Giants, because why not.

#3: San Diego Padres – The Padres I don’t really care about. They do weird camo uniforms sometimes and it’s hard to believe a team could make camouflage uniforms look stupid but they somehow did it. If your organization can do something like that, how can I believe them to ever build a baseball team worth writing a half-witty blurb about?

#4: Arizona Diamondbacks – Always rank them at the bottom because it doesn’t feel like they really exist. “Arizona Diamondbacks” always sounds to me like a made-up team from a movie or TV show, like who Kenny Powers gets signed by when he goes back to the Major Leagues, pitching against the Orlando Breakers or Colorado Rockies or some other made-up shit like that.

#5: Colorado Rockies – See above, but also add in the fact Colorado is the whitest state on the American Earth, and full of people you should not ever like. They are the Yankees fans of the American socio-economic ladder, and instead of calling in to sports talk radio, they hire lobbyists.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

(The most poetic of all divisions, and I mean that in the bad way, but also the good way, partially. Does that make sense? Let me put it to you this way: this is the division that gives us things like memories of Dock Ellis or Dave Parker or Pete Rose as Charlie Hustle or goats going to baseball games but not getting to go so witchcraft taking place, more than any other division in baseball, which is a wonderful thing no doubt. But it also gives us Bob Costas’ soliloquies, and all the myriad of ridiculous self-important internetting that has been derived from such a thing, and that is a horrible thing.)

#1: St. Louis Cardinals – Did you know that Cardinals fans have written more books than any other professional sports fanbase, ever? They average 2 books written per every 5.3 fans. The Cardinals baseball team lives by that standard as well, essentially “tl;dr”ing their way to success year after year. They will do it again this year, and probably next year, and forever, and it will always seem painful to watch happen and nobody will ever remember a single piece of it, even as Bob Costas machines start to spread once artificial intelligence learns how to procreate, and there will be all these little flying drones performing indignant soliloquies constantly, everywhere, about how much better everything used to be when it was better and how everything is horrible now because of this horrible thing that is happening. Those days are coming.

#2: Cincinnati Reds – The Reds have become successful again by signing more guys that sound like fictional characters from a Young Adult novel about baseball than any other team. Dudes like Joey Votto and Homer Bailey and Bronson Arroyo are creating this weird magical element where what seems like it fictionally should happen actually happened last year in that they won a pennant. It’s a risky way to build a successful team because once the larger public realizes these guys actually exist and aren’t just a fictional creation from some book, the magic loses its power and the team starts to lose that psychic traction, which is more necessary in baseball than any other sport. Thus the Reds won’t repeat in the playoffs this year, because reality will catch up to them.

#3: Milwaukee Brewers – It says a lot for how shitty the Brewers actually are when their owner is the commissioner of baseball and he still can’t successfully fix them winning a World Series. This is part of why baseball is less relevant to your average American – they are not as good at engineering things as the NFL or even the NBA is. All major sports are fixed, to a certain extent, and to not realize that is naïve and consumer of you. I bet you buy shit because of advertisements too. Hahaha, you fucking fool; they are using your own brain chemistry against you, making our human species weaker and more vulnerable to extinction. And you don’t even fucking care, sitting there acting like a baseball game is a real competition between people who actually care one way or another whether they have more runs than the other team. Fucking pitiful.

#4: Pittsburgh Pirates – I always hope this year is the year for the Pirates but it never is. We should just be happy with half-year’s where Pittsburgh throws a victory parade when the Pirates would’ve gotten a wild card berth if the season ended during the All-Star break, and be stoked about that, then let the rest of the season go as it usually does.

#5: Chicago Cubs – What can be said about the Cubs that hasn’t already been said, to death, already? I actually feel sad for Cubs fans because a lot of them can’t help what they were born into. I mean I don’t laugh at Pakistani children who can’t sleep because of drone warfare, do I? Essentially, it’s the same thing, except instead of not being able to sleep at night because of the constant fear that your home may be accidentally destroyed by a missile that kills your family and yourself, you are kinda bummed your baseball team never ends up winning enough games to play a few more games.

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

Wild card round: Giants humble the Nats again Iron Sheik style; A’s over Rays in road greys during late September days (well one).

Divisional series round: Giants over Braves (again, because it’s the playoffs and Atlanta); Cardinals over Dodgers (stupid fucking Cardinals); Tigers over A’s; Angels over Blue Jays (because realizing it’s the playoffs is gonna freak out Toronto, trust me).

Championship series: Cardinals over Giants (stupid fucking Cardinals); Tigers over Angels.

World Series: Tigers over Cardinals, because I have faith that humanity can be wild and intelligently reckless and rebuild itself from this post-Apocalyptic nightmare we are already halfway inside the middle of, rather than sit around and write a bunch of goddamned books about how it should be and not do a fucking thing and humanity dies while it is busy over-analyzing itself in a self-important manner. Because ultimately that’s what this World Series will be about. Ultimately, that’s what everything is about.

A Soft Spot in My Heart for Triples and Astros and Oakland's Swings - Baseball Players as Game of Thrones Characters, Part Two

Welcome back to our Opening Weekend preview of both the 2013 baseball season, and the third season of Game of Thrones!  It was nice of Major League Baseball to realize that everyone would be glued to the GoT season premiere and act accordingly by programming a game featuring the Astros, wasn't it?  Without further ado, let's continue our comparison of Major League Baseball players to our favorite Westerosi inhabitants!  

Nelson Cruz is Khal Drogo

When you're featured in ESPN's The Body issue, there's a great deal of attention focused on your physical attributes, and Nelson Cruz, as told by Michael Young, has all of them.  

"Nelly goes about 6'3, 230 pounds and he's country strong.  We were in the weight room one day and some guys were benching 315 pounds.  Nelly walks in and says 'Let me hop in.'  And he just starting pushing 315 right away.  Without stretching.  As a warmup set."

I assume that the part of the story where he got an ingrown toenail and had to miss a quarter of the season was omitted, but the fact of the matter is, that when Cruz, like Drogo, is on the field, he's a game-changer and a destroyer of worlds, but the most seemingly minor of scratches can sideline him for weeks at a time.  Trust me, I've owned him in fantasy for the past four years and sometimes I can't help but think I want to smother him with a pillow.  Then he hits two homers and steals a base, and he's my moon and my stars again.  

 David Eckstein is Tyrion Lannister

Short, but winners all day y'all.  

Josh Hamilton is Bronn

There's nobody you'd rather have on your team, and there's nothing he'd rather have than that money.  

Scott Boras is Walder Frey

Nobody ever WANTS to do business with Scott Boras.  However, when one agent controls a majority of the best talent in baseball, when you're assembling a winning team, you need to go to him, hat in hand, and sell your soul.  That's the case with Robb Stark when the young king, eager to reach King's Landing to rip Joffrey's guts out and save his sisters, makes a deal with Frey to take on one of his little wiener kids as a squire, marry Arya to another of his wiener kids and, worst of all, marry himself to one of Frey's daughters that Walder deems suitable, all to cross a bridge.  

Much like teams that sign Boras' clients often find themselves with buyer's remorse in the sixth or seventh year of the deal, so too did Robb Stark regret making the deal when he fell in love, but as it all turned out, it was no big d.  

The 2013 Toronto Blue Jays Season Is Probably Real Life

always remember to limber-up even if it is just baseball you will be playing

This year I have done maybe my best job of ignoring spring training ever, especially if you consider the extent to which the Toronto Blue Jays are actually totally interesting even to the non-partisan, and are entirely worth paying attention to, or as worth paying attention to as any baseball team is worth paying attention to in spring training (which, again, to me, is basically not at all ever). It occurs to me just now that perhaps my indifference to spring training is not entirely unrelated to my profound disinterest in prospects, in that spring training itself is largely a study of prospects, sure, but also in that spring training is pretty much the prospect of the season. Unless you are a regular season baseball player playing in a regular season baseball game I am sorry but my uncommonly burdensome and involving duties and responsibilities preclude the possibility of me being baseball interested in you in the slightest, for which, again, I apologize but this is how it must be for me and indeed for us both. 

But after Matt reminded me that holy shit baseball starts this weekend (also Game of Thrones, a subject in which I have attained expertise through arduous study that cut pretty directly into my Baseball Mogul time now that I reflect on the shape of my life and experiences over the last year), I went to the MLB site and looked at the probable starters for the first three Blue Jays games, and it was like, holy smokes, all that stuff that happened this winter totally actually totally happened, because it's gonna be R. A. Dickey, Brandon Morrow, Mark Buehrle, and then Josh Johnson (and well OK fine sure also J. A. Happ a little). But what the fuck, right? Like, obviously I was aware of everything that was going on as it was going on, but it is worth noting, I think, that this is real and everything. 

It was somewhat discouraging that the once most boss-like Ricky Romero got sent most thoroughly down, all the way to Dunedin, but man he was brutal last year so what else can you do? As everyone has already totally noted, this isn't really like Roy Halladay going all the way down to change his arm slot and return to the majors as one of the best pitchers of his generation, because Romero is not a kid anymore, and it's nothing major like that they're going to try to switch up with him; they would just like it if he could figure out how to not be awful at pitching, and I sympathize with that, because I got fairly tall fairly quickly when I was a kid and so could throw pretty hard relative to my age for a while there and spent a lot of time on the mound even though I pretty much walked people, hit them inadvertently (but savagely) on the inside of the back ankle, and, when there was no more room on the bases, served up arrow-straight 40-MPH horseshit that got jacked into the woods. Pitching is crazy hard and as much as one's heart goes out to any of these guys (and it does a little sometimes; let us not front, not here, not to each other) my heart goes out to dudes who just lose it out there and can never find it. It's sad to watch. 

So usually I would be gutted by that but who the hell cares really R. A. Dickey is gonna knuckleball people the fuck out in this the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays Championship Season! Everybody else in the A.L. East is totally dodgy! The Red Sox are such a shambles I heard they are lowering beer prices! There is no way the Orioles do anything at all like they managed last year! The Yankees are kind of shit now which means they will only win like 88 games instead of 90-something! The Rays are actually probably totally going to be good aren't they I just kind of remembered that now! And the A.L. West teams will have a crazy advantage for the wild card this year because they'll all be wailing on the Astros this year won't they! I am still excited though because Jose Bautista is going to hit like eighty home runs and also there are new guys! 

Yours in baseball and of course also feelings,

KS

When You Play the Game of Baseballs, You Either Win or You Enter a Seemingly Interminable Rebuilding Phase (Part One)

A long time ago - it might have been months at this point - I noticed that the new season of Game of Thrones would be debuting on March 31.  

My first thought, (after "Thank GOD") was that it seemed like it would be around that time that baseball would be starting up again, and if history was any indication, that there might be the big Sunday Night kickoff game being played in Guam or the South of France or any other place that baseball might be looking to expand to.  

As it turns out, I was right, and so overjoyed was I to see that two of my favorite things would be returning in perfect tandem, I found no other way to celebrate this joy than to make arbitrary comparisons between the two.  So now, without further ado, I present Part One of our Opening Weekend series of baseball players as Game of Thrones characters!  

R.A. Dickey is Nymeria

This blog is something of an St. Dickey lovefest, and bound to become even moreso, since he leaves my favorite team to join KS's, where this beautiful creature will get all of the non-sporadic game write-up attention that he deserves.  I didn't even write anything when he won the Cy Young award, for heaven's sake.  

Anyway, he has to depart the Mets after doing the raddest thing ever for them, much like Nymeria had no choice but to leave Arya after doing the raddest thing ever.  Sure we would have loved to watch Dickey try to get another Cy Young in Queens, and seen Nymeria showered in the most luscious bones, but they both had to go for their own safety and well-being.  And much like Dickey's departure brought Mets fans hope for the future with Travis D'Arnaud and Noah Syndergaard, so too did Nymeria's departure pay dividends way down the line.  

Shane Victorino is King Joffrey Baratheon, First of His Name

Not gonna lie, this entire article is nothing more than an excuse to put these two pictures together.  That being said, any adjective that you can use to describe Joffrey: cutthroat, ruthless, spoiled, entitled, inept, etc., you can apply twofold to Shane Victorino.  As Joffrey is completely unworthy to rule a kingdom, we are equally surprised that they keep letting Shane Victorino play baseball, considering just how bad he is at it.  Just peruse his resume and try to tell me he doesn't deserve to be slapped by Peter Dinklage once every season.  

Jeffrey Loria is Tywin Lannister

It's rumored, by some, that Twyin Lannister shits gold, and while that has been unconfirmed up until this point, there is no denying that he would do anything to advance his status, and the status of his family name.  When he sees the opportunity to turn a battle in his favor by adding the tribes of the Vale to his ranks, he barely blinks when he finds out that the cost will be to send his son to the front lines with them. 

When Loria opened Marlins Park, (mostly funded, as it turns out by Miami taxpayers whom Mayor Thomas Regaldo says were 'raped') he did so with a team assembled when he opened his giant coffers of gold from past firesales.  By mid-season, he had traded Hanley Ramirez, and by winter, most of the other talent was gone, including Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson and Emilio Bonafacio.  All Loria has left is his cursed, garish Harrenhal of a stadium, Giancarlo Stanton, and Placido Polanco hitting cleanup.  

Rod Barajas is Hodor

Hodor.  

(Special thanks to Bill Hanstock for reminding me that it was Rod Barajas). 

Here is the fucked up thing about the Blue Jays trading for R. A. Dickey and becoming betting favourites to win the World Series

yeah that's right a split card in a Topps Total set that is how Pete Walker does it

So, obviously none of this is remotely new or anything, but the Blue Jays trade some apparently totally solid/elite prospects -- never mind that one of them is a catcher who has had back and knee trouble before playing an MLB game, but whatever, I really don't know anything about prospects -- and come away with NL Cy Young-winner R. A. Dickey, and the thing that probably made me happiest from this whole insane off-season is that the Blue Jays decided to promote Pete Walker from bullpen coach to pitching coach. Why would I care about that in the least? Why would anybody, except for Pete Walker and his immediate family? I honestly have no idea, but it gave me a totally good feeling. Maybe it is because his signature enriches my 2003 score-keeping book? Or maybe it is appealing because despite the promise of the 2013 season, Pete Walker represents a tangible link to the true rock-bottom shittiness of my most intimate years with the Blue Jays, in the stands for hundreds of games of just the worst, awfulest shit you can imagine. Also: I see you John Gibbons. I see you bro.

KS

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA; or, Alex Anthopoulos Has Made A Trade

Anthopoulupagus

What can you even say, man, what can you even say? When the news of this Ironborn-reaving of a trade began to trickle out last night, Twitter was awesome, and not just because of the cackling of my bros; there was a broader cackling, too: Bruce Arthur suggested Jeffrey Loria be jailed; Jose Bautista shared his feeling that it was a good day to be a Blue Jay; and Buster Olney argued that MLB's worst fears about the Marlins had been realized, effectively killing Miami as a market for baseball. That is how you know your guy has really pulled something off that is legitimately historic in its proportion: when the other team isn't just looking bad for a couple years, but no longer viable as a major league franchise. Robert MacLeod's Globe and Mail headline this gave me a pretty nice feeling, too: "Blue Jays Plunder Marlins in Blockbuster Trade."

May I begin by recalling the last true Blue Jays blockbuster trade, in fact the only one they'd ever had until yesterday? Not the Vernon Wells deal, mighty though that was, and upon which I have reflected previously in these very pages, but the 1990 trade with the San Diego Padres that brought us Joe Carter, who would later hit a home run you have heard about, and Roberto Alomar, the greatest player we have ever had. At the time, I was like eleven, and with basically no knowledge of any west coast players on account of bedtimes, I was sure we had been robbed, because Fred McGriff had this cool upright stance and Tony Fernandez threw the ball sidearm. How wrong I was on that day! And so I know all too well that judgments made too soon after a big trade can be foolish. 

That said, this trade is ridiculous and I love it and Alex Anthopoulos is the greatest general manager ever and I want to kiss him on his face like all over it. So we got Jose Reyes, who is speedy and neat, Mark Buehrle, workhorse of workhorses, Josh Johnson, who was not awesome last year but who is without question a guy, and Emilio Bonifacio who is no less certainly a guy and in fact just the kind of guy I would like to have thank you, and all for Yunel Escobar who we hated he is the worst the middle-infield needs to be a queer-positive space, Adeiny Hechavarria who is probably going to be good, sure, Henderson Alvarez, of whom I am actually quite fond, and Jeff Mathis, who I don't understand why they extended last year anyway. Also prospects: I will not pretend to know anything about Justin Nicolo and Anthony DeSclafani other than that people who pay attention to prospects think they are good ones of those; I neither know nor care at the moment, if I may be perfectly frank with you on this matter. And oh yeah they are making us take John Buck back.

But this is just completely awesome. I have absolutely no reservations about any of this and I have serious doubts about anyone who does. If anybody goes like hrrrnnnn I don't know that's a lot of payroll to take on hrrrrrnnnnnn I suggest you stop listening to them immediately: Rogers are as rich as anybody who owns a sports team in North America (also Croesus), and they got the team and the building for a song, and nobody should care about baseball business stuff anyway because it's dumb and the worst and if you choose to sully baseball the greatest and weirdest game ever by talking and thinking and writing about it as though it is best viewed as a place to enjoy more capitalism because you don't get enough of that during regular business hours fuck you not because there is something pristine and pastoral that you shouldn't be sullying but because it is really boring to talk about those things you should be more interesting than that. 

In short, and in summation, I am exceedingly glad about this, mostly because of how we got all kinds of good players. 

Thank you for your time. 

KS

Not Without My Butterfield

noooooooooooo

When all that silly business about John Farrell wrapped up, or so it appeared at the time, and dude left for Boston in exchange for a player who might actually be a league average second-basemen -- which I will totally take, thanks -- I could be fairly characterized as not giving the least hoot. Despite two years of rumours that he was the man the Red Sox wanted for the job, I couldn't see what all the fuss was about. There's a ton of stuff we'll never know about any manager, of course, but of the things we can actually see, what did John Farrell do so impressively that anyone should care one way or another whether or not he managed their baseball team? What was so exciting there? Was it the utterly misguided small-ball attempts that characterized his first year, or was it year two with the complete lack of accountability for repeatedly dumb base-running errors from young players that were so egregious that Omar Vizquel yeah that's right notorious clubhouse cancer and hotheaded troublemaker Omar Vizquel went public with his criticisms of the way young players were handled in the clubhouse? 

In short, I was perpetually mildly annoyed at John Farrell. Sort of like I was with Cito, I guess (though I was also very fond of Cito for the sake we call old time's). Mildly annoyed is the way you should be with pretty much every manager in baseball, probably, except for maybe Joe Madden and Terry Francona I guess. But even then, right? 

This was all before news came out today, though, that third-base coach and infield instructor Brian "Butters" Butterfield would be joining Farrell in Boston. And now I am devastated. Butters was awesome. He was the most ludicrously positive person I have ever heard interviewed in any context. He was a miracle worker with infielders. He had a cool nickname. 

Orlando Hudson, the O-Dog of Blue Jays seasons now long passed, credits Butters with turning him into the very fine defensive second baseman he became . Keith Law, asked about Butters on the Baseball Today podcast one time, was like, yeah, Butters is a phenomenal infield instructor, just look what he did with Orlando Hudson (all the while Eric Karabell seemed baffled as to who anyone was talking about when they said "Butters"). Back when I used to go to a ton of games, and they would announce the base coaches in the second inning, my wife would always be like, "WOOOOOOOO BUTTERS!" and then I would be like "lol" and then we would both be like "lol" and if anyone else was with us they'd be like "wtf" and we'd go "lol" again and carry on like that in internet acronyms for ages. 

So long, Butters. A lot of good times, man. I don't know.

KS

mathematically eliminated #7 the Oakland Athletics

It was such a magical glorious run for the A's, to not only fire up from nothing to challenge for the wild card, but to actually steal the AL West title on the last day of the season. They did not lead the division all year long until the very end of the last game. That is amazing. Then they drop the first two to Detroit and it looks like the magic was over. But no, the A's are cocksure assholes who looked at Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder's giant auras and said, "Fuck you Jobus, I do this for us," and they did it.
But then along comes Justin Verlander, who does what only he can do - shut a fucking team down for a complete game 4-hitter, on the road, like a boss. But those scrappy Athletics, who were supposed to be in some sort of pretend rebuilding process - which is what you are required to say the year after you trade away all your good players for a bunch of unknown dudes, had a great run, one that the poor tormented and cockteased fans of Oakland will long remember as the latest and greatest underdog moment of near glory. And as much as I dig the Tigers, I have to admit, it would've been pretty awesome to see an As/Os ALCS, not only for the double underdog factor, but also because of the beautiful uniform colors on display. Dark blue and white is so fucking boring, with pinstripes and old english Ds. Baseball doesn't need more of that. It needs more oranges and yellows and greens and craziness and magic. Alas, the magic came to an end, at least on the west coast.

mathematically eliminated #8 the Cincinnati Reds

Perhaps it is the curse of Dusty Baker. Such a solid season for the Reds, and started so dominantly in the NLDS, winning both at San Fran, only to come home and drop three. And just like that, it's over. I will tell you this much, when it comes to playoff baseball you cannot fuck with solid pitching, and I would not want to fuck with Matt Cain/Tim Lincecum if the kid from Dazed & Confused gets his shit together again come post-season, as he may have been doing.
Well Cincinnati Reds, and forlorn people of Ohio who are always so quick to hope success is going to fall on your wretched foreheads once again, I am sorry, it is over. Perhaps you have built to have more magic next year, or perhaps this was your dream's apex, and Joey Votto will turn back into a pumpkin. Only time will tell. Unfortunately though, that is what you have on your calendar now - time.

mathematically eliminated #9 the Texas Rangers

While on one hand I feel bad for the Texas Rangers for having crumbled just barely enough to have lost the AL West and then lose the wild card game, at the same time I don't care. They've had their run. It's always great to see Ron Washington walking like a chicken in the dugout, but whatever. Yu Darvish will have his chance to make others humble in postseason play. The real question is whether Josh Hamilton will be part of this any more.
Though it's also not a real question. Fuck the Rangers. They have weird font on their jerseys. Now I think we can all get behind the Orioles together as a whole to crush the evil entity that is the Yankees. And that's all that really matters in October baseball, right?

mathematically eliminated #10 the Atlanta Braves

So I get off of a shitty work day of a shitty work week and the baseball pre-game is on the amplified modulations of the radio. I check out a couple art openings, walk around the city a little, see a couple old friends, make a couple new ones, get home, tuck my children into the bed, chat with my wife about our individual and separate days, and then turn on the cyber box and the game is over. Haha, wild card game on an early Friday evening, you are so fucking wacky.
So nothing weird happened in this game at all, right?

Tying a Bow on this Incredibly Shitty Blue Jays Season

my problem has never been with Henderson Alvarez 

As I write this current internet post that I am now currently writing, Brandon Morrow is slicing up the Minnesota Twins lineup in a way that should be pleasing but which brings me no real pleasure, because this season has been miserably, just horrendously awful and I have hated it. 

The last few weeks have been, on the field, anyway, pretty much passable, but the actual baseball took a backseat to the thing where borderline Hall of Famer Omar Vizquel (I probably wouldn't put him in but nobody is going to ask me and I have no problem with Vizquel and furthermore what kind of monster would) spoke publicly about how basically this team is bullshit: the dumb kids make the same dumb kid mistakes again and again because nobody straightens them out re: their dumb kid ways. Brett Lawrie, for instance, who we were only able to pick up because he had earned himself a reputation as an uncoachable hothead before even playing a major league inning, totally turned out to be an uncoachable hothead: not only has he not followed up on his legitimately amazing 2011, but he just made a ton of dumb aggro mistakes and then insisted they weren't dumb aggro mistakes when writers would ask thim about those dumb aggro mistakes. Running into outs in the name of hustle is some Raul Mondesi-level shit and as such I oppose it with Carlos Delgado-like dignified vehemence (still miss u bro hope u are well). 

Also everybody got hurt. That was another problem. Never before in my baseball-watching life, which is a pretty sizable chunk of my overall life-watching life, have I seen arms go down like they did this year for the Blue Jays, so, I mean, even if everything else went totally awesomely, this still would have been an utterly lost year without a rotation. But the shitty way(s) everything else went makes you forget, almost, that at the heart of this whole disaster was an historically awesome rash of injuries. But even before that, things had started to go south: Ricky Romero, who was terrible even early on in the year when he was winning, persisted in being terrible throughout all stages of this Blue Jays season but the wheels were well and truly off just before everybody else got hurt. And Jose Bautista, dear sweet Jose Bautista, who was totally getting it together until his wrist exploded in New York. Brutal.

So what did I enjoy this year, other than the dulcet tones of Jerry Howarth and Alan Ashby, both of whom I am enjoying a great deal even as we speak, friends? E5 turning into an absolute monster of a dude is the standout thing, I guess, what with the forty-two-dang home runs that I totally did not see coming. Darren Oliver, who I have always liked for some reason, had a tremendous year out of the pen despite being a million years old, so that was cool. Right now, the crowd in Toronto is giving Omar Vizquel a really nice ovation, and yeah, it's been neat having Vizquel around this year, sure, why not. He's neat. 

But beyond that, it has all been shit. Pretty much everybody has been hurt, fair-to-middling, or disappointing. The kids who came up have been OK but not thrilling. I don't even know, man. I haven't felt like this since 2004, when the Blue Jays followed the totally, totally fun 86-win 2003 season where Doc won the Cy Young and Carlos made a serious run at AL MVP with a 94-loss disaster, at which point management decided Toronto was a tiny provincial town with broke owners, and let Delgado walk without so much as an offer. It was fucked, and eight years later I can still totally see Carlos lingering on the field for a good long while before walking down the clubhouse steps for the last time and apparently I am not done having hard feelings towards J. P. Ricciardi for all of that because I am getting sort of worked up at the moment actually which is a sign that is time to wrap this up. 

In short, I have hated the 2012 Toronto Blue Jays baseball season, and the last couple months of it have been the least connected I have been to the game in years. Bring on the freaky deaky new play-ins and then a bunch of postseason games that keep me up to absurd hours of the night despite real-world commitments that are completely non-negotiable. I am totally ready for all of that to happen. Also next year Jose Bautista will hit a thousand home runs.

KS

mathematically eliminated #11 the Los Angeles Dodgers

The St. Louis Cardinals did what they could, by losing earlier in the evening, but the Dodgers could not overcome their lifelong rival in the Giants later last night. All the great hype of Magic Johnson becoming part-owner and the Dodgers buying up a bunch of broke down high value baseball cards amounted to not quite enough. So we do not have any playoff intrigue (too much so) going into this final day of baseball. Oddly enough it brings to mind how the extra playoff spot actually kills some of the postseason intrigue unique to baseball, as we're basically recreating the excitement of a play-in game, but in the process, lessening the chances of a play-in games, at least this year. I guess we'll eventually have a year where there is a play-in to get into the wild card play-in. Still, rather than that normal mid-week showdown to set the playoff stage, we're already sitting around like assholes waiting for Friday's games to happen. This, ultimately, is the biggest flaw in MLB postseason scheduling - a lot of sitting around waiting like an asshole, which gives one too much time to explore the other entertainment offerings of the modern American experience.
Still though, a postseason with the As and Os and Nats and a rebirth of the Reds plus all the teams we all love to hate like the Cardinals and Braves and Yankees... we are down to ten, and that'll be quickly chopped to 8 by Saturday morning, and then we'll begin the long, overly dramatic slow codeine drip of the playoffs. I, for one, have my half bottle of hydrocodone ready. I also downloaded like 8gb of DJ Screw tapes, so I'll probably put the game on mute and just watch it while vibing out to chopped and screwed gangsta rap. Baseball should look into incorporating that. You could have regionally appropriate beats behind the broadcasts. It'd at least make Atlanta more interesting, and Miami more annoying.

mathematically eliminated #12 the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Somewhere towards the end of last season, Albert Pujols made that Sammy Sosa-like transition from baseball darling to evil cocksucker. So when he signed a majillion dollar deal to play for the Angels, it only made him seem worse. Thus the Angels season was a power struggle between Evil Asshole Under-performing Haha Stupid Angels and Young Kid Mike Trout Super Human Baseball Is Great memes. Personally, Mike Trout is too stereotypical a baseball player name for me not to assume he is a closet racist, rapes fat chicks for leisure on road trips, and is also a going to end up an evil asshole being he is young and malleable and under the tutelage of elder evil assholes of baseball like Pujols. Thus, the Angels not making the playoffs is really funny to me, like when the Red Sox or Yankees don't make it, just with a west coast flavor. Of course, you cannot make angry light of the Angels without mentioning how stupid the whole "Los Angelese Angels of Anaheim" thing is.
Also, Bobby Grich forever.

mathematically eliminated #13 the Tampa Bay Rays

Rays and Angels were both eliminated last night, even though both won. But the A's winning their game put the end on the season. For the Rays, their status as unheralded spoiler amidst the AL East apple cart was upset when the Orioles decided to play baseball for the first time in fifteen years. It will be interesting to see how the Rays unfold over time, as they have this rep as a solidly built young team, but they still get little fan support in a somewhat shithole locale. I mean, don't get me wrong, St. Petersburg is a chill place, kind of small towny even, and there's some awesome used book stores near the stadium. But that part of Florida is a steamroll flattened vast expanse of clustery suburbanisms, and most environments like that are full of people who don't care shit about shit but themselves. How long can the Rays hold it together?
It should be noted that my homeboy Dylan aka The Necro Butcher aka that guy who got dollar bills stapled to him in The Wrestler movie and made Mickey Rourke have a heart attack, he is a huge baseball fan, and has adopted the Rays as his team. I cannot think of the Rays without thinking of outlaw juggalo wrestler stoner guys with wild beards who were born and bred in the hills of West Virginia. It is a shame that is not their entire fanbase, because then eventually they could draw in the hipster crowds as peripheral parts of this experience, and even work out great marketing deals with Pabst Blue Ribbon and fixed gear bicycle makers and shit like that. It also would probably position them well for a move to Brooklyn a few years down the road, should that become necessary. Or fuck man, half of the baseball fans in the Tampa/St. Petersburg area are actually New Yorkers anyways, you could probably split the season's home games between Brooklyn and St. Petersburg and do pretty fucking well still. Just some ideas, you know, in case the three hits this post gets are MLB marketing dudes with a desire to initiate a bold vision for the futures.

mathematically eliminated #14 the Chicago White Sox

And the crushing collapse of the White Sox is now complete, even though they won earlier in the night. The Tigers finishing off the Royals also finished off the White Sox 2012 season, and there is nothing to do but play their last two meaningless games on the road in Cleveland of all godforsaken places and wait to die.
Tonight actually the final four regular season eliminations could all happen but only the White Sox have gone down officially as of now. I had planned on mocking Obama's White Sox fandom but all the pics I found were kinda stupid, and also when you mock the Prez you run the risk of idiot people thinking that means you love you some Romney. Apparently we are so conditioned to an A or B mentality in America that we have given up even thinking there are grey scales. Perhaps that is why the 50 Shades of Grey book was foisted upon us all as a cultural thing, to force us to accept grey possibilities that involve horrible writing and shitty fetishes (though not literally "shitty" fetishes, as even in our morally decadent state, that's a no-no).
But seriously, fuck the White Sox. I am a Nats fan, but as a fan of awesomeness, there is no way on earth one could ever root against the combination of Prince Fielder and Miggy Cabrera. So fuck the White Sox.

mathematically eliminated #15 the Milwaukee Brewers

With they loss today the Brewers are out of this shit. Prince Fielder is gone so they become a useless collection of useless fuckers to appease a white crowd. Ryan Braun is being hinted at a possible repeat as NL MVP. Let me just make this clear - fuck Ryan Braun, and fuck the Brewers. If there is any team whose history, uniforms, and star players reek of Aryanism, it is this team. I am glad they do not clutter up any postseason baseball with their innate ugliness.
Speaking of Fielder, I sometimes look forward to post-financial Apocalyptic America, because imagine the Tigers and Brewers teams fighting. And then imagine the city of Detroit fighting the city of Milwaukee, although I guess I shouldn't because I'm at first like, "Oh man, Detroit would kill them," but also Detroit is a dilapidated city and their wolve-human residents would have to ride in piecemeal old Ford cars like that Johnny Cash song where he stole one part a year, whereas Milwaukee would send tanks and shit into Michigan and probably broker some fucked up shady deal with Flint where the people of Flint stormed Detroit and there was massive rioting, and then Milwaukee tanks rolled in and just killed everybody and took over the city.
Of course Detroit, your stupid Robocop statue would do you no good then. But hey, you are still alive in this baseball season, have Prince Fielder's chunky monkey ass showing love, and Milwaukee is just riding out their last few games like a bunch of assholes. Makes me sad for Tony Plush though. I am always sad for Tony Plush though.

mathematically eliminated #16 the Arizona Diamondbacks

And though they still haven't even finished playing tonight, by virtue of the Cardinals beating the Nationals, that fake team from out west that doesn't really exist - the Arizona Diamondbacks - has been officially eliminated from postseason contention, and any possibility of winning a World Series this year.

That was I wrote on Friday night before the Diamondbacks game was even over, but then it started raining and my satellite internet went wonky. I only have satellite internet, there is no alternative other than dial-up. I live in a rural area, which is fine, fuck your cyber 4G shit which doesn't make sense to me. I raise animals and eat them and grow my facial hair as wild as a blackberry bush and if it scares you then so be it.
I had looked up pictures of giant diamondback snakes, being caught and killed, being milked for venom, being poisonous crazy beasts. It is odd, in the wild the poisonous dangers are fairly obvious - snakes with rattles or mushrooms with red caps. It is in this invisible cyber world where the dangers are hidden in plain sight, unseen yet fucking up our primordial beauty even more.
Of course all of this is why Michael Morse is my favorite player ever right now. He looks somewhat caveman-like and he is tapped into that primordial tradition, through a baseball sense. You should google that wacky pretend home run last night, as it was fairly amazing. I do not mean to give you a link because I am pretty much done with the internet for the day. I am playing a James Taylor record on actual record (Mud Slide Slim - a classic Sunday morning lounger), and am about to cut two acorn squashes and three carnival squashes in half and bake those fuckers in about a half of inch of water with apple cider vinegar, then scoop it all out and make a dope ass fall squash soup motherfuckers. Today will be chill as fuck.

mathematically eliminated #17 the Philadelphia Phillies

Though they made a valiant yet ultimately useless late season run towards a watered down wild card spot, the hole the Phillies dug for themselves in the beginning was just too deep to overcome. Thus, with a simple 2 to 1 loss at the Miami garishness empty stadium of Escobar, on this 28th day of September of the standard western calendar, they are done for the year. Remember when their pitching staff was going to be the most ominously great thing ever in the history of professional team sports on the Earth? That has not worked out quite like they had thunk, no?
Anyways, in honor of the Phillies and their very special fan base, here are some google image search results for drunken Phillies fans...