Let Me Tell You About All of The Baseball Teams

yeah all of them

I think you will agree that as a guy who really only follows one team closely and only finds out about other teams when the Blue Jays play them, they are on MLB.tv for free, or they are discussed on either the Baseball Today or FanGraphs podcasts, I am perhaps uniquely qualified to tell you exactly where everybody stands as we enter interleague play, which, whether you love it or hate it, is our first sign each year that a reasonable amount of baseball has been played. Let us go then!


AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


1. Baltimore Orioles (25-15): It is both staggering and upsetting that the Orioles have a better record than not only everyone else in the AL East, but the juggernaut Rangers, too. Nevertheless, I think they are junk. They will not last.


2. Tampa Bay Rays (24-15): Appear to be magic, unfortunately; will be in playoffs and I won't be able to mind. 


3. Toronto Blue Jays (21-18): The starting pitching has been admirable, E5 has been beastly, and Jose Bautista has hit five home runs in his last seven games and is starting to look aggressive to the point of cocky, which is when he is at his raddest. I will be so sad if this is not, if not the year, at least a year. Go Jays.


4. New York Yankees (20-18): Lacking in both aura and mystique these days but they'll win ninety or something. Jeter is hitting .363 in case you haven't checked in a while.


5. Boston Red Sox (18-20): I am concerned that the Red Sox might not be as dead as they first appeared. David Ortiz is fat as hell.


AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL


1. Cleveland Indians (22-16): This is last year all over again. It is deeply improbably they are at all this good.


2. Chicago White Sox (19-21): I have a rare genetic disorder that prevents me from knowing anything about the White Sox ever, even if they are playing the Blue Jays, even if they are in the playoffs, even if they are playing the Blue Jays in the playoffs, even if they have Tim Raines and are playing the Blue Jays in the playoffs. Imagine my life.


3. Detroit Tigers (18-20): Are unaccountably not good yet but don't need to be; will ultimately triumph.


4. Kansas City Royals (15-22): Were supposed to have a bunch of young pitching coming, right? Also they tend to lose in pretty excruciating fashion, which must be fun for the good people of KC.


5. Minnesota Twins (12-26): The worst team in baseball but the park is awesome so sunrise/sunset or something.


AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST


1. Texas Rangers (24-15): Josh Hamilton is the best and the Texas Rangers are amazing and will win the World Series if this sentence has anything to say about it and I would be pretty surprised if it didn't so there.


2. Oakland Athletics (20-19): Good for them. I would like to watch Moneyball again.


3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (17-22): It is weird that I am taking perverse delight in how badly both Albert Pujols and the Angels are doing this year because I would have told you that I have absolutely no problem with either. Vernon continues to suffer which seems unjust.


4. Seattle Mariners (16-24): At least the games are quick, and like Minnesota, there is a measure of ballpark consolation to be enjoyed here. Also do not pretend that Ichiro is anything less than still neat.


DISCLAIMER: I don't know about the National League very much.


NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST


1. Atlanta Braves (24-15): I don't get TBS anymore which is unfortunate because by all accounts these dudes are awesome.


2. Washington Nationals (23-15): Even were it not for the enthusiasm of our own dear Raven Mack I would be excited about these young Nationals what with all of the young excitement. If Stephen Strasburg turns out not to be Kerry Wood then hold onto your butts, not just this season's butts but your all-time butts also. I am prepared to hold onto mine.


3.  New York Mets (21-17): David Wright is ridiculous and everything but they run Miguel Batista out there which is not a sign of moral, intellectual, or baseball seriousness. Also as I write this, the Mets are getting ripped by the Blue Jays so they are in my view utter clowns. Sorry Matt.


4. Miami Marlins (20-18): Reactionaries unwilling to yield to the inevitably of history; will probably finish like third.


5. Philadelphia Phillies (20-19): They are hot now after not being that way earlier; Doc's velocity is down a little but I for one would welcome him back if he were to decide that the Blue Jays were, in the final analysis, the coolest.


NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL


1. St. Louis Cardinals (22-16): Why not, right? Good call walking away on Pujols, I guess. Less Tony LaRussa makes for a less contemptible organization top to bottom.


2. Cincinnati Reds (19-18): Still my pick here. They've been pretty mediocre and they're still only a couple games back.


3. Pittsburgh Pirates (18-20): Caught a few innings from Pittsburgh on MLB.tv the other day and my god what a ballpark. Run differential suggests that they are in truth awful and not just a little bit bad and I am not one to argue with run differential.


4. Houston Astros (17-21): Everybody thought they would be the worst but they are only not good!


5. Milwaukee Brewers (16-22): This is the first time all season I have so much of thought about Bob Uecker and I am a little ashamed of that.


6. Chicago Cubs (15-24): Nick Offerman likes them and Ron Swanson is my mustache role model but beyond that they could disappear tomorrow and I would not care.


NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST


1. L. A. Dodgers (25-13): Boy they sure sold for a lot of money! Matt Kemp is way better than last year, so far, and as such it is pretty much like when Spider-Man was imbued with the power cosmic and shit got uncannily real. Some of those numbers might normalize a little I guess.


2. San Francisco Giants (19-19): Still the most interesting team in the National League, as far as I'm concerned, as they are incredibly unbalanced to the point of seeming like a team you would make for your computer simulation game just to see. Lincecum's velocity dropping bothers me more than Halladay's being off, which is not a response I could have predicted. 


3. Arizona Diamondbacks (17-22): I do not care about the Arizona Diamondbacks.


4. Colorado Rockies (15-22): I do not care about the Colorado Rockies.


5. San Diego Padres (14-25): I do not care about the San Diego Padres.


So, admittedly, that petered out a little before the end, but before that I think you will agree that I told you about all of the baseball teams. 


Enjoy interleague! It's weird, I guess, but whatever!


KS