So here I am, 3000 miles away from Philadelphia freaking out about a season that hasn't even begun yet. Chase "Fuckin'" Utley and the 125 Million Dollar Man are probably going to miss half the season. Placido Polanco and his giant head are going to miss a lot of time. Hunter Pence is probably going to come back down to Earth a little bit. Jimmy Rollins is 33. And I can't keep expecting Halladay and Lee and Hamels to be this consistent, can I? Not to mention that RAJ plans on throwing a combination of Wiggy and Thome at first base and keeps fucking around with my boy Dom Brown.
Last year I was nostalgic about the shitty Phils teams. This year's squad is roughly a million times better than the '96 squad, but the lowered expectations of the 90's didn't leave me with these pains in the pit of my stomach. I'm dreading how many 3-2 losses I'll be seeing this year, banging my forehead on the sticky bar of downtown Portland's Buffalo Wild Wings. Let's look at the projected lineup on April 5, provided the rest of the old ass Phillies don't have their knees disintegrate in the next 2 1/2 weeks.
1. Jimmy Rollins, SS (33) - Aging leadoff hitter. I'll be shouting "FUUUUCK" during every 1 pitch leadoff at bat that he'll have this year, of which there will be many.
2. Shane Victorino, CF (31) - He designs really terrible Ed Hardy ripoff tee's and is friends with the guy from Jon and Kate Plus 8, but I love him so damn much. But still, his numbers will probably decline and he'll do a million stupid things that I'll curse him for.
3. Hunter Pence, RF (28) - He won't be as great as he was last year, but still pretty good. A+++.
4. John Mayberry, LF(28) - Oh God damnit.
5. Jim Thome, 1B (41) - Jesus.
6. Ty Wiggington, 3B (34) - You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
7. Carlos Ruiz, C (33) - I love you Chooch, but not even you can save us.
8. Freddy Galvis, 2B (22) - ZIPS Projection: .262/.299/.359! Woooo!
9. Halladay/Lee/Hamels/Worley/Fat Joe - Help us, you beautiful bastards.
But hey guys, at least we got Papelbon!!!!!!!
I assume you mean one of those one-pitch at bats where Jimmy hits a pop-up to shallow center field.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's not looking terribly promising. Here's my optimistic scenario, though:
1) The pitching holds the fort until Utley and Howard get back.
2) Utley and Howard get back (and are able to produce somewhere close to even last year's diminished levels).
3) Polanco (who'll probably be in the opening day line-up, btw), with regular rest, stays somewhat healthy, instead of becoming a ghost of himself by August.
4) Galvis doesn't suck.
5) Mayberry hits like he did last year.
6) Thome/Wiggington/Nix/[Podsednik? Pierre? Brown?] actually produce some offense (can't be any worse than last year with Martinez and Valdez in the line-up--sometimes together!--for a good part of the season).
7) Everyone else stays healthy and has a more or less typical season production-wise.
Granted, lotta if's in there, but it might not be as bad as it seems now. The Giants and Cardinals looked like they were dead in the water at various points in '10 and '11, and it turned out okay for them.
Hard to know when exactly it's coming, but once the Phillies get bad again they are going to be bad for a long time man a loooooooong time. But who knows, maybe the absurd pitching has a nice little run late and you get a second world championship out of this run, who knows.
ReplyDeleteWHO KNOWS.
KS
wah wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ReplyDeleteI know I really shouldn't complain all that much, seeing as how the pitching staff is pretty phenomenal and perhaps Chase Utley and Ryan Howard might come back from their injuries not playing like total butts and perhaps Dom Brown will break out and Galvis won't be totally inept at the plate and... God damnit the Marlins and Nats scare me. I think the extra playoff spot will save our asses and maybe JUST MAYBE we can do some damage in the playoffs with our pitching being what it is. But you know... As a Philadelphia fan I'm prepping myself for plenty of disappointment.
ReplyDeleteI know it's ridiculous when your idea of a disappointing season is not cruising to a sixth straight division title and a crack at another WS title, but I still fully expect plenty of teeth gnashing and cursing at the TV at the first signs of trouble.
ReplyDeleteMan, that lineup is pure ass. ASS TAH ASS
ReplyDelete