mathematically eliminated #24 the Seattle Mariners

They are now done apparently. I am not even sure of who is on their team as I have an east coast bias, which is why I wear my right pant leg bunched up around my knee at work, and use my office stapler to staple motherfuckers in the head who look at me wrong at the water cooler. EAST SIDE!
Seriously though, forgive my ignorance, but did the Mariners still exist after they traded away Ichiro Suzuki? Or are they in the Pacific Coast League now? Does the Pacific Coast League still exist? I know Triple-A went from three leagues to two leagues at some point a few years back, but I don't know which one ceased to exist. I grew up an International League man personally, seeing the Richmond Braves play as a little leaguer. Back then it was easy to know who the minor league team was a minor league team for, because they had the same nickname. Nowadays, with hat merchandising, there's no fucking way to tell. I went to a game last year to see Bryce Harper play in Richmond and it was the Richmond Flying Squirrels vs. the Harrisburg Winterfells, and they were hyping up a big weekend series against the Charleston Baby Bo$$e$ with fireworks and some sort of bobblehead promotion. Ultimately, this just furthers my belief that over-marketing has essentially ruined the joy of Western civilization, and now we are just left to suffer the diminishing returns of what we have wrought, until death.

Mariners 4, Blue Jays 1; Marines 7, Blue Jays 2; Mariners 5, Blue Jays 3; Athletics 4, Blue Jays 1; Athletics 5, Blue Jays 4 (F/15): OK Cool What Did I Miss

in there, regrettably

Due to my almost fanatical devotion to the Olympics in general and Olympic judo in particular, I have barely had baseball on at all over this last week, and one day I didn't even check the previous night's score until like three in the afternoon, a thing that is, I assure you, a thing that is rare. So let's see here what did I miss oh OK they have lost all of the games and traded away Eric Thames and Travis Snider alright see you in a bit.

KS

Blue Jays 7, Mariners 2: E5 again? Aw yeah, again and again.

two rad guys, one of whom is currently playing radly

Another home run? And a stolen base? Even if it was just on the tail end of a double steal, I don't care: E5 is cold killing it, and we should all embrace and celebrate him. Hey, you know who else homered? Back-up-catcher-who-can't-hit Jeff Mathis, who has been raking on those rare occasions he actually gets to play. Good for him! Good for us all! I am just excited generally right now, but I am particularly excited about my main man Henderson Alvarez, who allowed but a solitary run in his six innings today. Not excited about: Francisco Cordero, who needs to settle down and not be bad at pitching, in this observer's view. 

Tomorrow night is Kyle Drabek vs. Yu Darvish! Whose smoke shall be smokiest? Tune in! 


Also I wanted to mention that I caught a bunch of the Padres/Giants the other night as the MLB.tv free game of the day, and woah did it look awesome on my computer because that ballpark is the best and also woah did it sound awesome on my computer because John Miller is the best. And Lincecum pitched well! Well, everybody did, but the Padres got burnt on a bad call at first and that was the game, pretty much. 


Baseball,


KS

Blue Jays 7, Mariners 0: E5 BABY YEEEEAH

mostly they are happy they look so fresh in those new uniforms

A very good way to break an especially depressing four-game losing streak is for Brandon Morrow to pitch six innings, striking out nine and walking nary a dude, and for E5 to hit an opposite-field grand slam, complete with cocky bat flip, to cap off a 7-0 drubbing on a Saturday afternoon. This is so much more like it, you have no idea. 


DO IT EDWIN DO IT.

Edwin, doing it

KS

Mariners 9, Blue Jays 5 (F/10): I Renounce the Blue Jays Bullpen

guess which of these two guys just gave up a game-winning grand slam. seriously, guess.

Gosh, man. I don't even know. This was a pretty excellent game, in a way, but not a way that I am completely into right now. I could kind of appreciate Ichiro throwing J. P. Arencibia out at the plate in the late going, even though it was a play that obviously did not serve my overall interest here, because Ichiro is neat and good for him, I guess. But this Michael Saunders business, this home run in the ninth inning (and all the horseshit that followed for the tie) and then a grand slam to win it in the tenth, I am not doing as well with that. Romero pitched pretty OK-ly and would have left with the lead were it not for an early unearned run (in an inning he would have gotten out of anyway had he been quicker on a double play ball, so whatever). But the bullpen, man. The bullpen.


KS 

GAMBATTE ICHIROOOOOOOO

they are right to think he is cool

It is of course undeniable that Dustin Ackley and Felix Hernandez had a lot to do with the Mariners' 3-1, eleventh-inning win over the Athletics in Tokyo in the opening game of this probably glorious 2012 Major League season, but is it not awesome, I ask you, that Ichiro went 4-5 and knocked in a run? Is it not? Here, look at him busting out of the box on an infield single, the first hit of the year: 

ichiroooooooooooooooo

Also, and finally, I would like to propose that there always be a baseball game going on when I get up in the morning, because today I found this arrangement agreeable to the extreme.


KS

Blue Jays 8, Mariners 3: It's About Damn Time

Jose Bautista (left) seconds before being hellaciously bagtagged by Yunel Escobar (right)

After seven innings of making Jason Vargas look like Cy Young, the Blue Jays totally got a hold of the Mariners bullpen in a bat-around eighth that put six runs on the board, three of them coming by way of a Jose Bautista home run that owned particularly hard. (Strangely, for all that Bautista has been a beast thus far [1.125 OPS, haters], he'd only knocked in two runs, both on solo home runs, before the three-run shot today.) 


The Blue Jays went with their B roster today, really, but pretty much everybody ended up with at least a hit, except for John MacDonald, who we do not ask or expect to hit, and Juan Rivera, who can't be gotten rid of quickly enough to suit me. Top of the sixth, he grounds to short, and  he just kind of lopes out of the box until the short stop bobbles it, and so he gets his oh shit run on, and then the throw still beats him by a step. Which is all utter nonsense. I totally get that it's a 162-game season, and it's a grind, and there are going to be times in August when you're hurt and it's hot and you're playing a day game after a night game and they've started testing for amphetamines now and there's just no way you're going to be able to bust it down the line on every single routine play. I get all of that. But today, it's April, and god damn it, you're Juan Rivera, which is to say you've earned nothing. You are the fourth outfielder on a third-place team at best. My wife has never heard of you, bro. Run, Juan. Run.  


Unfortunately for Kyle Drabek, all of this happened too late to get him the win, but he had another solid start, giving up two earned runs in five and two-thirds. He picked Ryan Langerhans off first, too, which was pretty tight. 


And so farewell for now, Seattle: I admire your beautiful ballpark, and have long felt a fondness for you in your capacity as the Blue Jays' 1977 expansion cousins. Also it was awesome how Ken Griffey Jr. played for you, because that guy was amazing. But I kind of can't believe we dropped two of three to you just now, because this year you are an awful, awful baseball team.

Only five-and-a-half months to go, bro, stay strong.

KS