As I begin this where I have like 2 players in mind, there's two lines of thinking... I could plan this out and find awesome pictures for every player, or I could just throw the shit right the fuck at you straight from my bath salty mind. So obviously the second is the best choice, as this is the internet, where everyone thinks they think cleverly, instead of just admitting they are the giant but loveable dumbass they really are. So here I am.
This team will contain all 8 fielder positions, I guess a DH (even though seriously fuck a DH), a starting pitcher, a relief pitcher, and probably a couple of other things, and then also probably not some of the first things. Because. Fuck you. Here is the UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL ALL-BF (BASEBALL FEELINGS) MID-SEASON SUPERSTAR TEAM OF SUPER DUDES!
STARTING PITCHER: R.A. DICKEY - Sometimes there are players so wackily awesome they make you overlook the fact they play for a wretched soulless franchise with a socially sickening fanbase that you wish would all snort anthrax, like Gary Payton on the Lakers or that fat dude who beat up people in diners on the Yankees. R.A. Dickey is such a dude. First off, he is a knuckleballer, which is perhaps the best type of baller of all. Secondly, on top of already being a strange style of pitcher, he tops this off with a weird Zen Buddhist on salvia divinorum attitude about it all. He is a wonderful human being, and if baseball had any fucking sense about what makes baseball special, it would be plastering posters of R.A. Dickey all over the inside of the brains of the youth of America.
RELIEF PITCHER: JOSE VALVERDE - I find relief pitchers annoying because I think they all try too hard to be like "Wild Thing" Ricky Vaughn, drinking tiger blood with Jobu and shit. This in itself would not be a huge problem if there were still the Al Hrabosky types to balance this style, but there does not seem to be such things, at least not in my short attention span. And certainly one of the four of you reading this is thinking, "Well fuck bro, Valverde is that as much as anybody." Except to me, Jose Valverde looks like Malcolm X was brought back to life, but then did too much ketamine. So I imagine he's out there on the mound channeling spirit molecules using supreme mathematics, and that pretty much makes him the best.
STARTING PITCHER: See, I was only going to do one pitcher but WU DARVISH is some sort of Iranian Chinaman gifted with magical powers that makes him unstoppable. Somehow he ended up in Texas, probably because Nolan Ryan was drunk of scotch one night when the scouts were like, "Hey check out this Wu Darvish guy," and Ryan was like, "What the fuck is a Woo Darvish? Bring that goddamned chink sand nigger here to Texas and let's see if he can do it the Texas Ranger way." So they did. And right now is a secret battle of wills and ways between the stubborn old coot Nolan Ryan and the metaphysical super-athlete of the modern era Wu Darvish. Right now Wu is winning more games than anybody, and seems unstoppable, but so was J.R. Richard before he had a fucking heart attack and his career ended because of Nolan Ryan injecting him straight in the fucking heart with armadillo adrenaline. So we'll see.
THIRD BASE: MIGUEL CABRERA, because there is no more awesome player than Miguel Cabrera. He always has that shit-eating smile, like he just drank two shots of Jim Beam from between your favorite milf's big floppy breasts. And sometimes it may seem like he doesn't give a fuck while playing, which may upset traditionalists, but if you imagined him drunk in the middle of I-94 yelling at taser-armed cops, "THAT'S RIGHT CABRONES! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! CHINGA TE MOTHERFUCKER!" then you'd understand him not giving a fuck in the field at times is perfectly okay and appropriate.
LEFT FIELD: BRYCE HARPER, who has slowed down with the success the past couple weeks a little, as people are probably adjusting to him. But he's only 19, and he's pretty goddamned awesome. And this is a key positioning as well, even though he could play anywhere in the outfield (and does), but putting him out there behind Miggy, letting him learn from the old dude, that's a smart development move too. Being a 19-year-old Mormon fucker suddenly at the center of the universe, it could blow up a lot of people's minds pretty quickly. So you need a Miggy Cabrera there to teach the kid pacing, or at least try, kinda like when Robert Duval told Sean Penn that joke at the beginning of Colors about not running down and fucking one heifer as a bull but walking down and fucking them all. Remember how in the end Sean Penn was telling some other hard ass kid the same story, and Robert Duval was dead, and Frog had gotten sent to prison again? That could be Bryce Harper too.
CENTER FIELD: Well, even though he's sort of disappeared to an extent, it will always be NYJER MORGAN as long as he is a baseball player. He's a one-of-a-kind guy, and you want him on your team, if for nothing else to have the ever-present presence of mind to convince somebody at the bar to designated drive he and Cabrera back to the hotel.
DESIGNATED HITTER: JIM THOME, even though I contemplated giving ol' David Ortiz a little love here, but you just can't ever truly give props to a Red Sox player, mostly due to Red Sox fans, who are the fucking worst ever since the Red Sox got good there again. Good lord man, can you imagine how much Cubs fans will fucking absolutely suck should Theo Epstein work his tomfoolery again and enable the Cubs to win a couple of World Series? Holy shit man. It would be horrible. But Jim Thome has quietly been playing baseball since 1979, and somehow has even done it in recent years in Philadelphia where you actually have to play in the field if you wanna play the whole game, even at his ripe old age. I would expect him to go to the AL, perhaps in the coming weeks, where he will play for another decade at least.
RIGHT FIELD: JOSE BAUTISTA because this is basically a Blue Jays blog, and Bautista is the greatest spirit warrior on that cursed Canuck team. (Will you guys let me know when they get the one-way glass installed too, so I don't have to get arrested again for masturbating in public even though I'M IN MY FUCKING HOTEL ROOM! Expensive hotel room at that.)
At this point, I had a couple players in mind, but realized I was reaching out of the strike zone, so I'm gonna sit on this. Perhaps this will be the entire team, perhaps not. Dear KS, feel free to flesh out the rest if you want. Or maybe I'll remember this next week.
yes, this is our team
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