Friday, June 15, 2012

Metaphysical Statistical Hyper-Analysis

For approximately 17 hours the past two days, I have been feeding various forms of data culled from a multitude of sources into a 37-tabs Excel spreadsheet with highly complicated formulas. This data goes back to 1978, in regards to baseball as well as U.S. Census Bureau GMA statistics, and has been taken from online databanks as well as actually mildewy books from the library four blocks from where I work, which are reference only meaning I had to sit there and take notes into a dollar store composition book. Non-statistical sources include four in-depth phone interviews, one with a childhood friend's father who has an excellent unpublished manuscript completed about Negro League baseball, one with a local sports radio figure who spent years in sports journalism at a regional level, a former AAA ball player who flaked out Zen Buddhist style and now teaches Hsing-I martial arts in a former boxing gym, as well as a guy I used to get high as fuck with at baseball games (he always had an uncanny ability to see things develop before they did, being blessed the natural intuition of an old school scout, just scummy as fuck and covered in stereotypical tattoos thus unemployable). After having let all this data ferment together overnight on a lime green thumb drive kept in a zipper-lock sandwich bag underneath my oldest rooster's coop overnight, I plugged it into the ol' Mini-Mac this morning, opened up the main file, and the end result was that the New York Yankees fucking suck more than any other thing in sports could ever hope to suck. Not just on a baseball level, but a sports plane, that goes internationally, only really threatened as the most suck by two European-based football/soccer clubs. The franchise and the fans help highlight all that is bad with New York City, baseball, sports in general, humanity in general, people with the last name Rodriguez, Italian-Americans, and many other items far too numerous to even bother listing or we'd be here all weekend. Suffice it to say Go Nats!

Perhaps you are asking yourself what baseball teams was the second most suck in the end results of my data analysis? That's a clown question, bro.

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