NATS (14-4) BETTER THAN TWINS TODAY

 Harper batted in 
 tying run, bottom of ninth, 
 then forever came 

 bottom of sixteenth inning, 
 walk-off homer, game over 

NATS (13-4) BETTER THAN TWINS YESTERDAY

 April interleague 
 baseball is as exciting 
 as shit even gets 

 do Twins still have that dumbass 
 catcher Maury Povich dude? 

NATS (12-4) BETTER THAN TWINS TONIGHT

 Gio Gonzalez 
 victories always feel good, 
 he's so lovable 

 sentimentality in 
 baseball fandom leads to fucked 

NATS (11-4) WORSE THAN MARLINS JUST NOW

 Thursday afternoon 
 matinee fly-away game, 
 vacant Miami 

 hard to really give a fuck - 
 let's get to the airport, bros 

NATS (11-3) BETTER THAN MARLINS YESTERDAY

 unexpected ace 
 of early season Joe Ross 
 pulled early - uh oh 

 pitching hand callous became 
 blister but the Nats still won 

NATS (10-3) BETTER THAN MARLINS

 another grand slam 
 by the Ultimate Harper - 
 channeled energies 

 Strasborg (plus bullpen) kept it 
 zero on the other side 

NATS (9-3) WORSE THAN MARLINS YESTERDAY

 honestly sort of 
 halfway happy they're on a 
 two-game losing streak 

 it's only fucking April; 
 don't be peaking too early 

NATS (9-2) WORSE THAN PHILLIES YESTERDAY

 top of tenth inning 
 homer by Bryce Harper should 
 have sealed series sweep 

 but here comes ol' Papelbon 
 who of course fucked it all up 

NATS (9-1) BETTER THAN PHILLIES TWO DAYS AGO

 Maximum Scherzer 
 displayed maximum sport nerd 
 statistic value 

 Ultimate Harper blasted 
 another homer; the Nats romped 

NATS (8-1) WAY BETTER THAN PHILLIES LAST NIGHT

 Harper homered, five 
 top of first inning runs scored, 
 game over quickly 

 Joe Ross the team ace thus far? 
 I didn't see that shit coming 

NATS (7-1) BETTER THAN BRAVES TONIGHT

 this is what we dreamed 
 about - Strasborg went solid 
 8 innings, & won 

 Ultimate Harper smashed his 
 first ever grand slam - MOAR PLZ 

NATS (6-1) BETTER THAN BRAVES TONIGHT

 Strasborg had got sick, 
 so Tanner Roark threw seven 
 scoreless innings, bruh 

 Tanner Roark is only kid 
 from Bad News Bears to make pros 

NATS (5-1) BETTER THAN BRAVES YESTERDAY

 Ultimate Harper 
 knocked in both Nats runs bottom 
 of the 8th inning 

 an amazing player who 
 will look stupid in pinstripes 

NATS (4-1) BETTER THAN BRAVES TONIGHT

 googling the boxscore 
 trying to find out enough 
 shit to write five lines 

 my internet's maxed out though 
 'til data resets next week 

NATS (3-1) BETTER THAN MARLINS YESTERDAY

 Jonny Papelbon, 
 he of the anus mouth face, 
 somehow has three saves 

 at this pace, he will still be 
 cancerous tumor always 

NATS (2-1) WORSE THAN MARLINS JUST NOW

 home opener - didn't 
 catch even a minutiae 
 because soooooo boring 

 but congratulations to 
 pretend Miami Marlins 

NATS (2-0) BETTER THAN BRAVES TODAY

 first week of baseball 
 is staggered bullshit hodgepodge 
 of opening days 

 three-day two-game series wraps 
 up - NATS ARE UNDEFEATED! 

NATS (1-0) BETTER THAN BRAVES TODAY

 another season 
 of Washington Nationals 
 baseball feels begins 

 Ultimate Harper homers 
 in first at-bat; shit is lit